Taxi Kermit
Have you ever had a really bad day?
Have you ever stopped to consider for a moment that no matter how good life is going for you, it might not be for someone else?
Have you ever stopped to realize how grateful you should be for everything that you have, and everything that's gone right for you? Have you taken a moment or two out of your day just to appreciate everything you've got?
The truth is, all of us should.
And I learned this lesson in one of the strangest ways imaginable. We've heard the stories about what happens when someone can't take it anymore. A lot of people don't REALLY listen, but we all hear them.
Some people go crazy amidst all the chaos.
I guess maybe that's why I wanted to find and watch the movie Taxi Driver. If you've seen the film before, than you know a disturbed guy named Travis Bickle wants to clean up New York City and starts taking the whole thing into his own hands- violently. I had only ever heard it discussed through online buzz and never had the chance to watch it myself.
I finally decided to watch the movie one night when it was raining like crazy outside, and I had to cancel plans with some friends. I could always reschedule, and in my case, I'm rather determined, so even if it were to take me another 6 months or longer, my friends and I were going to have that party. But for now, I might as well stay inside and watch this movie I'd been getting curious about.
I don't know if it was the bad weather outside or what, but my Netflix app was being a pain in the ass, if I'm being honest. It kept loading me into some dummy profile, doing this over and over again to the point I wondered if maybe my account had been hacked, or something along those lines. I guess I could still watch the movie, though. I typed "Taxi Driver" into the search bar, and the film popped up as it should've, but...there was a second result.
This had to have been some kind of glitch. On my menu, right next to Taxi Driver, was a movie called "Taxi Kermit", which looked like a very similar movie except for the part where the main character was Kermit the Frog. I laughed at this, but for some reason, I couldn't resist the urge to click on it. So I did, figuring I'd probably just end up stopping it a few minutes in anyway.
The film opened on Kermit putting in an application to be a midnight taxi driver while some other character sitting at a desk asked him several menial questions. On the right next to Kermit was a newspaper he seemed to keep glancing at. "Muppet Theatre in Trouble" its headline read.
"Kermit? Kermit the Frog?" Someone asked him. "What are you doing working some job like this?"
Kermit turned around and said "I just gotta get away from all the noise. I don't sleep much anymore".
It was funny hearing those words in Kermit's voice, I guess, but it was also kind of jarring. The scene played on, and we see Kermit driving his taxi through New York City. In the front window was what looked like a torn-up picture of Miss Piggy. Kermit came to a red light and answered a text from his current girlfriend, another character named Denise, who looked similar to Miss Piggy, but not quite the same.
Kermit didn't really seem happy with her. I guess he took what he could get after he broke up with Piggy. Maybe at this point he'd just accepted defeat, that life was different now for him and the best days were all behind him. He couldn't really get over it, so he drowned it in what he could get, and the business of his work.
There were other texts on Kermit's phone, all of them unanswered. They were from the other Muppet Show stars. Business wasn't going well over there. The Muppets were failing, and interest from the Walt Disney company wasn't helping as much as it should have.
This scene actually upset me. Kermit's dreams were falling apart. As he drove his taxi through the streets, onlookers pressed their faces to the windows to ask him questions. Kermit ignored them all. He just kept driving.
We see one scene where a deranged passenger gets in Kermit's car and starts talking about killing people. Kermit didn't say a single word to the passenger, he just dropped him off. The passenger went to go do something, probably killing someone based on what he said, and Kermit just drove away, numb, and tired of the city and the people living in it.
Kermit sadly hummed the beginning of the Rainbow Connection to himself as he pulled up in front of a fancy business where Miss Piggy now worked. He stared through the window, still in love with her, even as he finally drove home to Denise.
I couldn't tell when exactly this movie was supposed to be set, what with Kermit having a cell phone and all, but this version of New York City looked just as beat as it had been in the 70s. On his way home, Kermit passed the Muppet Theatre, which was also located in New York City for the purposes of the film. Outside of the theatre, a crowd of protesters insisted that nobody could shut the Muppets down. Kermit smiled at them as he passed by, until someone violently broke into the group of protesters and scared them off before breaking one of the theatre's windows. Kermit sighed, and just kept on driving until he finally got home.
When he got there, Denise was angry with him. She kept asking him where he was.
I could tell she already knew.
Eventually, Kermit admitted to her that he had taken his taxi and stopped in front of Miss Piggy's business again. Kermit finally told Denise it wasn't honest of him to keep telling Denise he loved her. They had a massive fight, Denise broke something, and she stormed off.
"Well, it's not easy being green." Kermit said, just like his signature catchphrase, as Denise left, slammed the door, called someone else's taxi, and drove away. Clearly, that relationship was over. Kermit seemed sad for a moment, but then he just.... shrugged it off and started making some plan to win Miss Piggy back.
The next few scenes were some kind of montage of Kermit getting threatening mail that the Muppet Theatre was to be closed within a week. Kermit began to stop by Piggy's business more and more frequently, but she never knew he was there.
Finally, one day, he went inside and applied for a job at the business just to be close to Piggy. Well, Piggy worked in the fashion business, and so Kermit had to work for some fashion icon. And since Kermit knew nothing about fashion, he started quickly struggling in the job. Yet, every day, Kermit kept coming back to work, just to catch a quick glimpse of Miss Piggy, who said a brief word to him once or twice, but otherwise ignored him. Kermit seemed to still feel like his plan was working untill his friend Gonzo texted him asking why he had missed a rehearsal at the Muppet Theatre.
Kermit then left work in the middle of the day to go to the rehearsal, but when he came back, his supervisor told him he was fired.
"You don't understand this job, you left work in the middle of the day, and let's face it, you're only here to catch a glimpse of Miss Piggy because you can't let her go. You're fired, asshole." the supervisor told Kermit, who dejectedly left. I expected Kermit to say something in return...but he just left, troubled.
As you might expect, Kermit didn't take being fired well. There was a disturbingly long scene in which Kermit is shown driving his taxi and muttering to himself. At one point he picks up a passenger who turns out to be another lunatic who recognizes Kermit and starts talking about how he wants to burn Kermit's theatre down. The camera filming this shot zoomed close to Kermit and I could see him shaking visibly with anger, but he didn't say anything as he took the passenger to his destination.
Despite being fired from Miss Piggy's business, the very next day, Kermit came back to work anyway.
Kermit walked in, but was immediately stopped by two guards.
"C'mon, man. You know she doesn't want to see you." one of the guards said.
"Please. I have to." Kermit pleaded, but the guards kept trying to push him back.
"Come on, man, leave!" the other guard yelled at him. Kermit kept pushing and pushing to try and get past, but the security guards were stronger than him.
Kermit got irritated and started fighting back, but one of the guards threw him to the ground as Miss Piggy finally showed up to see what all the commotion was about, staring at Kermit in shock.
Kermit kept yelling to her about how he needed her back, but Piggy wouldn't even talk to him. She just....looked at him as the guards carried him out of the building and threw him through the front doors.
Kermit pressed his face to the door as Piggy walked away. Passerbys walked by, pointing and laughing at him and his desperation, but Kermit acted like he didn't care. Kermit didn't care about them at all as he continued to wait by the door until one of the security guards came outside and told him to move.
The next scene... disturbed me.
Kermit tries to get back in, but a couple of teenagers start calling to him.
"Hey, look! It's Kermit the Frog!" one says mockingly.
"Your theatre's fucking dead, pal!" yelled the other as they grabbed Kermit and smashed his face through a car window. Kermit just kept getting beat up until he finally laid motionless on the pavement and the teenagers walked away.
Shit, that was brutal. Kermit was lying on the ground in a pool of blood as he blacked out.
When Kermit came to, he was in his old friend Fozzie Bear's apartment.
"You're lucky I found you" Fozzie said. "You passed out in the middle of the road!" Fozzie sounded like he was just trying to avoid an awkward conversation. There was no way he couldn't have known that Kermit had been attacked.
There was a noise outside Fozzie's door. It sounded like a bunch of people were talking. Kermit must've heard it too, because he turned towards the door and started asking about the noise.
"Fozzie, what's going on out there?" Kermit asked.
"It's not good, Kermit." Fozzie said. "We've been trying our best without you, but we're not getting very far."
"Without me?" Kermit asked, clearly confused. We then get a flashback scene as Kermit remembered. He hadn't been answering his phone, and he'd even missed shows at the theatre. He was so upset, he'd stopped trying to save the Muppets altogether.
"Fozzie, I'm sorry". Kermit said. "I'll make this right. I promise."
Fozzie just sighed and shook his head as the Swedish Chef suddenly burst into the room.
"Fozzie? What's happening?" Kermit asked, but Fozzie didn't answer. More and more Muppets started walking in. Fozzie must've brought them all there. The whole thing was a set-up. Fozzie had turned on Kermit.
"I'm sorry, Kermit." Fozzie said as all of Kermit's fellow Muppet cast members started flooding into the room.
"C'mon, man! We need to get paid!" Rowlf the Dog, the Muppet pianist, yelled in Kermit's face. Kermit kept trying to explain that he didn't have the money to pay anyone, but then Bunsen Honeydew pulled out a fucking gun and demanded his pay. "Don't make me do this!" Bunsen yelled. "I just need money to eat!"
"Woah, Honeydew! Chill out!" yelled Fozzie.
Kermit suddenly grabbed the gun out of Bunsen's hands and started waving it around the room.
"Shit! Please, man! They're shutting the theatre down tonight! You gotta do something!" Rowlf yelled again.
"You wanna see me do something?" Kermit screamed. "I'll FUCKING do something!"
Kermit then stormed out, still pointing Bunsen's gun at anyone who tried to stop him. He got in his taxi furiously and sped off.
Kermit then passes by a political rally for some politician who's running for president and attempts to push his way into the crowd, trying to make his way towards the presidential candidate. I guess maybe Kermit thought he could make some kind of change in society by taking this guy out. The crowd was too thick, and eventually, Kermit went back to his taxi and drove off.
Kermit then stopped at a convenience store on his way back to his apartment, and shortly after he entered the store some guy walked in and started trying to rob the place. Kermit started shaking violently again, then finally snapped, walked out from behind a shelf, and shot the robber. The guy at the cash register thanked him, but Kermit just nodded and left.
We see another montage type scene where Kermit practices his aim with the gun he stole from Bunsen Honeydew. He keeps imagining himself shooting someone, preparing for the big moment.
Kermit turns on the TV to find where that same presidential candidate from before is holding his next rally, and decides to attempt to assassinate him again. We see Kermit trying to impersonate a member of the secret service, but one of the other secret service agents catches on, and started chasing Kermit through the crowd. Kermit jumped over a fence with surprising agility, although I guess he was a frog after all. He got back in his taxi and sped off, deciding instead to go to the Muppet Theatre.
"I'm gonna do something. I'm really gonna do something." Kermit said over and over again. "I'm going to save the Muppets."
Kermit started twisting the gun in his hand as he constructed a violent plan to save the Muppet Theatre.
When Kermit got to the theatre, there were a couple of businessman types trying to lock the place up.
Kermit concealed his gun in a raincoat, coat out if the taxi, and started walking towards the businessmen.
"Oh, come on, man." One of them said to Kermit. "You here to bother us about taking your theatre? We gave you plenty of time to make the payment."
"I've got your payment right here." Kermit said as he pulled out the gun and shot the first businessman right in the throat.
"Shit!" the other guy yelled, trying to run away, but Kermit shot him as he ran.
"You want my theatre? Come and get it!" Kermit yelled, as several protestors started helping Kermit beat the absolute shit out of the rest of the people who were coming to claim the theatre. Kermit happened to see the guy who broke the window at the start of the movie and shot him in the legs, before getting in his taxi and running the guy over, splattering blood into the streets.
Kermit continued on his rampage until the police finally arrived and started firing on him. He wasn't killed, but the cops did manage to arrest him and several protestors. Some of the protestors tried to break Kermit out of the police car, but it didn't work.
We see Kermit in prison now.
Fozzie visits Kermit in jail and tells him that the Muppets got to keep the theatre after Kermit's actions sparked a massive fundraising campaign led by the protestors. Fozzie then tells Kermit that he has become somewhat of a hero to the outside world, despite his violent actions.
Kermit then says "Well, y'know Fozzie, it's better to fight for your dream than to lose it." before Fozzie nodded his head and left.
The final scene is Miss Piggy finally coming to speak to Kermit again after all this time. After that, the movie ended, and I was left to process what I had just seen. I mean, the plot differed quite a bit from the original Taxi Driver from what I understood, but Taxi Kermit said something all on its own.
Better to fight for your dream than to lose it, Kermit had said. I didn't agree with all the shooting and killing, but those were some pretty powerful words considering the were coming from a fucking puppet frog.
As the credits rolled on Taxi Kermit, I was left wondering how this movie had ever come to exist in the first place. I didn't recognize any of the names in the credits, other than Steve Whitmire, the old voice of Kermit the Frog, who must've been playing him here.
Unfortunately after that, due to the terrible weather outside, the power went out in my house, and when it finally came back on the next day and I loaded Netflix up again, Taxi Kermit was gone, like it had never existed in the first place. But the memories of what I saw will be with me forever.
Alright folks. I have a busy day at work tomorrow, so I'll be signing off here.
Remember, always be thankful for what you have, and remember to fight the good fight for your dreams- although, please don't shoot anyone like Kermit did.
Credited to Chimichangar
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