Tetris.EXE II: Morte di un Imperatore

It has been over a year since I saved president Obama from death by the Tetris Devil Demon. But I doubt you would have heard of that as none of the news stations covered it. They should have seen it was an amazing battle to save the universe from such an evil force.

After my digital escapades, I took my love of Tetris to a whole new level. Yes, I became a CHAMPION of the game, scoring some of the highest scores ever. Soon, I was at the championships.

Me and my opponent battled furiously to get the highest score, but in the end, I lost by one point. What sucks even worse was how he gave all his winnings to a charity for sick orphans. I would have spent it all on beer and vidya games. I went home and cried for about ten hours.

When I was able to calm down, I went on my computer to whine and complain like a little shit on 4chan.

I had been complaining for about seven days strait, when I received my first actual response from someone. Imagine that, someone actually cared about my petty, sad and pathetic tantrum.

The message read; Bitch, it's time for my revengence. Get in the goddamn computer scrub.

What a horrible thing to say, I thought. How can someone be so inconsiderate of others? I mean, it's not like I ever did anything like that, right.

I wrote a horrible reply full of swear words up the wazoo. When I was done, I hit the enter key, satisfied.

As soon as I hit the enter key, my computer exploded into an enormous portal to hell that began to suck in my room. I screamed and bricks of solid shit came flying out of me like a fully automatic gun.

A giant hand of rotten flesh came out of the portal and grabbed me. It dragged me into hell, and I screamed, leaving enough shit bricks to build an empire state building out of shit.

Then my house exploded and was dragged to hell. Some fat man sitting on his lawn across the street observed this, nonchalantly, as did everyone in the world.

"That's why you don't play with Ouija boards" said the fat man as he drank a beer.

The portal closed, and all that remained of a house was a giant ass crater.

I landed in hell. It was hot and made entirely of obsidian, with magma everywhere. Demons flew, swam, and ran everywhere. It was like a city. Building made of obsidian. Some had magma falls coming out of windows.

Then two burly demons came down to me. They looked like body builders with shark heads, dragon wings, eagle feet, bear paws, and crocodile tails. They also wore tuxedos. They had a red and black color scheme.

"Le patron nous a envoyés pour vous récupérer" one said.

"Ven sin lucha, y no te sobrevendrá mal" said the other.

I looked at both confused. I told them I have absolutely no idea what they are saying.

They both face palmed and began to drag me away. I kicked and screamed, yelling about how I have rights, and they were being horribly violated.

I was taken into a ware house, and thrown to the ground.

" Ici, il est le patron. Celui que vous avez demandé"

"Espero que estábamos de buen servicio a usted jefe"

Then I heard it, a voice I had not heard in over a year.

"Yes, you did an excellent job, you shall be paid handsomely in hell money" It was... THE TETRIS DEVIL DEMON.

I screamed, how could the TDD still be alive, I saw Obama kill him. So I asked him how it was possible.

"Through the power of human sacrifice, satanic ritual, and the healing magic of friendship, I was resurrected"

So much shit was being sprayed that moment, I was going to die.

"Welcome to die, fucker" said the TDD as he drew a sword that was waaaay to big for him to use, but was still somehow able to.

"Say good bye, TO LIFE" he yelled as the sword swung down.

But I was still alive. I opened my eyes to several gasps of terror from the surrounding demons.  Even the TDD was scared shitless.

The sword was inched from my neck, but something was holding it back.  The sword was being held back by what appeared to be a python with jet black scales, glowing red eyes, two arms and legs, and was covered in spikes. But oddly enough wore a "My little pony shirt".

"You know TDD that this is agents the rules of hell, correct" said the Snake.

The TDD just nodded yes.  

"Well ma boy. You are lucky that good old Lucifer came to save your sorry ass from death. Or so it seems. You were dragged here by TDD. So you can't just waltz on out anymore.  If you were invited here, it would be a different story. But you weren't" said Satan.

I asked him how I get out then.

"I'm glad you asked, for to escape, you must survive a three floor Trouble Dungeon set up by the one who summoned you. I.E the TDD.  Don't worry, I'll make sure it's somewhat possible to complete by a mortal. I always do. Good luck scrub" said Satan as he teleported all of us out of the room.

EEEENNNNDDD OFFFF CHAAAAAAPTER!!!!!!!!!

I was brought to a nice waiting room with a couch, bed, mini refrigerator, and microwave oven. The carpet was gold, and the wall paper was light blue. This is where I was staying until the Trouble Dungeon. I stayed there for what seemed like a week. I played hell themed versions of vidya games like, Call of Damned; Hell ops,  Super Demon Galaxy, Demon's Souls,  and Beelzebub the Hedgehog. Then I got a letter telling me the Trouble Dungeon was "Kompleatedid" Well, time to go die I thought as I left the room.

I stepped out of the room into a giant ass field of grass and hills. The sky was a clear blue, and the sun was shining. This doesn't seem like much of a Trouble Dungeon to me. Then I fell into a pitfall trap.

I landed in a giant maze. The floors were chain link and there was magma below me. More shit fell. The TDD came over a loud speaker and said "This is the first floor of the amazing Trouble Dungeon. Get your sorry ass to the keys to unlock the door out of here before it fills with magma. There are six keys, six locks, and six minutes to do this. Get your ass moving scrub" he said. Then the magma started to rise slowly.

I got the first two keys no problem, and then lava demons started to appear. They tried to eat me. It was a struggle to evade them, but I did get the next two keys. After that, the Lava demons fused into what looked like a Beholder from Dungeons and Dragons. Only made of lava.

I had one and a half minutes before I was DED, so I started to sprint; I almost fell of the path multiple times. The lavaholder, as I called it, was faster than I expected. But I got the fifth key. Yea! But no time for a happy dance. Sliding under the Lavaholder, I got the last key.

Upon getting the last key, the Lavaholder screamed as six keyholes opened on its face. I threw all six keys into the keyholes, and the Lava holder went boom, leaving a portal. With ten seconds left, I got through the portal.  

I was clear, or so I thought. A giant ass monster made of iron came out of the sky. It looked like a cauldron with four crab legs and an angry face on one side. Then the TDD spoke once more.

"You didn't think I would let a floor end without an epic boss fight at the end, did you. Kill him, and you move on".

The Cauldron demon was a tough ass foe, I could do nothing to hurt its iron hide. My punches only did one point of damage to it. I was ded, and I knew it.  Then a sword fell from the sky. I grabbed it and swug it like an ass hole. I had no idea how to use a sword, my only skill was Tetris.

I eventually rammed the sword into the Cauldron Demons Eye, it screamed and died. Then melted into a mass of molten iron. My sword disintegrated too.

I got a one day break, then the portal to the next floor of the trouble dungeon was opened.

I was transported to the entrance of a valley. It was very dark, and a black mist was rising from it. "This is the Valley of Die, cross it as the second floor of the Trouble Dungeon" said the TDD.

So what, this will be easy. It was not. As soon as I got in, seven skeletons surrounded me .It was very spooky, especially when they started slashing at me with swords. It hurt, a lot.

I ran like the little shit I am, aggroed more skeletons, and even several being of darkness. Soon I was suuronded. So I used my fists to punch my way out of the horde of skeletons. It failed miserably.  

Then I ran some more. I took cover in a crevice in da wall and the skeletons and shadow beings passed me. I was safe for now. I crept out of de wall and continued on down the valley.

I soon came to a giant pit. There appeared to be some sort of contraption to lower a bridge across the gap. There appeared to be some complicated puzzle to go along with it. I walked up, punched it, then urinated all over the control panel. The thing exploded and the bridge caught fire.

But it still lowerd and when the fire died I crossed the bridge. In the center of the bridge there was a strange object. Upon examination, it was a pick axe. Was this my weapon for the boss, I thought.

I was almost at the other side of the bridge, when out of the smoke a creature came into view. It was a horse, a giant horse. It was twelve feet tall, had a black coat, and its mane and tail were midnight blue with white dots, like the night sky. It had red reptilian eyes and a maw of sharp teeth. So this was the boss.

The horse stood there , not doing anything. So I took a step forwards.

"Arrrrrggg, you shall die, mortal" was all I heard as a severed head was thrown onto the bridge from below, said head had burnt, charred black skin, with sunken in eye sockets with two blue lights in them. His hair was long and black, and his mouth was in a sinister smile. Then an armored body fell from the sky. It was ten feet tall, and had heavy knight armor covering its entire body. In its left hand it held a whip that appeared to be made of a human spine, it picked up his head in his other hand.

He jumped into the air and landed on his horse, cracking his whip. The horses eyes glowed red, and it readied for combat. Then the TDD spoke.

"The boss of  The Valley of Die is a Dullahan. Good luck scrub, for it just ran out on you".

"Ha ha ha! Time to feel some Pain" said the Dullahan. And the boss began.

The Dullahan was fast, and his whip could hit me from a great distance. I tried to smack it with my pick axe, but he kept evading my hits. It was infuriating. Soon he ran up, and smacked me with his head.

"Feel the burn" he yelled as this happened.

He put his whip away, grabbed me by the neck, and threw me into the ground.

"Come on and slam, and welcome to the pain jam" he said as he did this.

I was very unpleased with the way this boss was going. So I told him to stop attacking me and let me kill him.

"I will not" he replied.

He then whipped me 42 times in the chest. But I was somehow still alive. So I ran to the other side of the bridge to hopefully escape the Dullahan .  Long story short, I hit an invisible wall, and Dullahans don't give up that easily.

Then I saw a shiny thing in the wall, forgetting about the Dullahan, I hit the wall with the pickaxe, and a small nugget of gold fell to the ground. I was rich! I had found gold. Oh yea, there is a Dullahan who wants me dead. I turned around to face my on coming Scooby doom, but the Dullahan had stopped.

"I-is that G-g-g-GOLD" he yelled.

I told him yes, and that it was my gold. But he seemed scared of the gold. So I picked it up and walked towards him with the gold nugget. He screamed and fled. So, Dullahans were scared of gold? Who could have guessed such a thing? But regardless, I cleared the second floor of the Trouble Dungeon.

I was taken to a black room, and given a one day break once more. Then a set of stares appeared up wards, leading to the final floor of the trouble dungeon. What could it be?

Find out, next time on; Morte di un Imperatore... Which starts right fucking NOW!

I ascended the stair way to the final floor of the Trouble Dungeon, leaving a brick of solid shit on every step. What could it be? Then the TDD spoke.

"I am surprised to see you make it this far, I was sure you would die on floor one. But regardless, the final floor will certainly be your grave" he said.

I soon found myself at a door. What horror lay beyond this door? I opened it, and found out.

I stood before an enormous pyramid. It was broken into sections, like the...food pyramid? Then the TDD spoke once more.

"The final floor of the Trouble Dungeon, SCALE THE FOOD PYRAMID" he yelled. And I was given a giant bread knife.

I made my way to the grains section of the Pyramid. As soon as I set foot in the pyramid, bread knights materialized before me. They had swords made of bread sticks, guns that shot pasta, and threw flour to blind me. So I drew my giant knife, and began to slice, but I soon found out, that the knights could only be killed, if I cut off their head. So I did.

When killed, they became piles of flour, but their weapons remained. Then I saw something on the wall. "The only way to live a healthy life is to eat a balanced diet". There was an empty fuel tank next to the sign. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a bread sword, and ate it. The tank filled slightly. So I must eat the daily requirements of the food pyramid to progress? I hope my stomach can handle all that food. So I did just that, and soon, I ate enough grains to continue.

I found myself in the fruit section of the pyramid. Then found myself confronted by apples, with angry faces and limbs. The wielded banana guns and pineapple grenades. I used my knife to combat the apple warriors and get the fruit weapons. I tore into the bananas and pine apples greedily. I then pounced on an apple, and ate one of his arms.

Then the heavy artillery came in, the durian warriors. They had clubs. I had to slice off parts of them and eat it while they beat me. I ended up with a lot of injuries, but I ate enough fruits to continue.

Vegetables were up next. I was immediately confronted by a giant thing of broccoli and cauliflower. The broccoli was small, fast, and had a lightning spear, while the cauliflower was huge and used a giant hammer. They combo me, and it was painful. But using my knife, I was eventually able to slay the cauliflower. Then the Broccoli absorbed the strength of his fallen komrad, and grew huge as well. He also became a fusion of the two veggies.

The fight continued, and He hit me hard with his spear attacks, but I sliced off parts of him with my knife. Soon, he only had his arms left. And I slew him. He exploded into many little tiny bits of Broccoli and Cauliflower. And I ate my daily dose. I also got a tiny flame thrower. Odd I thought. Then it was on to meats and proteins.

The room was squishy and made of flesh, in the center was a human torso fused to the ground. But it was made of chop meat and had six arms. It also had a head made of sushi. He could shoot caviar out of his eyes and lasers out of his hands. I was eventually able to slice off one arm. But I can't eat raw meat. I continued to slice off arms, until it was only a torso and head.

I rammed my knife through were its heart would be, and he exploded. I then remembered I had a flame thrower, and used it to cook the meat and eat my requirement.  

Now it's time for dairy. I landed in an ocean of milk. And a kraken made of cheese erupted from the depths of the sea. He shot yogurt at me from his beak, then slapped me several times with his arms. He also shot lasers out of his eyes. But I was too smart for him, for I drank the milk we were swimming in until I had met my quota on dairy. The kraken exploded, and I passed.

I had reached the summit of the food pyramid, The fats and oils. What greeted me was a stick of butter. I took a bite out of it, and was done. I had completed the trouble dungeon.

Then an enormous titan fell from the sky. He was comprised of all the foods. His torso was made of meat, his left leg was celery and his right leg was made of bananas and apples. His left arm was made of Swiss cheese; his right arm was made of bread. His head was made of butter and was constantly crying olive oil. Then he started to sing.

"Somebody once told me that, I was gunna kill you, I'll use the sharpest tool in the shed" he sang. He then began to dual wield a rototiller and a lawn mower.

He swung and I almost died once more.

"Your brain gets dead, and your head comes off" he sang.

"All that glitters is blood! Only shootin staars save your sououl" he sang. But I was able to sing back in response.

"CRALLING IN MY SKIIIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL" I sang. But my song did nothing to stop his. So I was eaten by him. But I was able to cut my way out with my knife. But I failed. So I used my flame thrower. And I burned my way out. I stood back and watched ad he burned to death.

"All that glitters is gold! Only shooting stars break the mold" were his last words before he died.

I had done it; I had bested the Trouble Dungeon! I was going home! I triumphantly left the food pyramid behind and walked up the stare way to earth. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I was free!

...or so I thought! (To be continued)

...Right now.

I exited the stare way and found myself on top of an empty air craft carrier. Judging by the clouds and heavy rain, it was flying through a hurricane. Then the TDD appeared before me. The robotic jester of black and white with glowing red robot eyes was dual wielding great swords. He threw me a Katana and said;

"There was one more rule about the trouble dungeon that I "forgot" to mention. You must fight me to the death once the dungeon is complete. Think of it as a final boss of sorts. Prepare to die, you filthy waste of flesh". He took a battle pose.

I had no idea how to use a sword. But he was soon swinging at me wildly, trying to gut me like a fish. I was barely able to avoid his blades. The Rain made it hard to see what was going on. And soon I was sliced in half. But as I bled out, the sky was cleaved, and president Obama came to Finnish his fight.  

"Your luck just ran out" said Obama.

Obama was wearing armor made of obsidian, and used a 20 foot long katana made of titanium. It was also on fire.

The true final battle commenced, The two parried, blocked, and sliced at each other in a true battle of chivalry. It went on for 200 days, and 100 nights. But eventually, Obama sliced off one of the TDD's arms, right as he sliced off one of Obama's legs. As one last desperation attack, both swung with all their might. Obama cut the TDD in half diagonally across his shoulder, and the TDD decapitated Obama.  It was ogre, and the rain stopped.

I was able to feel the sun on my face. I was magically put back together, and on my burnt front lawn. The remains of my house stood behind me. I had bested hell, and was free. I stood up and walked down the street. The sun was out, and there was a light breeze. I had learned a very valuable lesion in hell, what it is I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure I learned something.

End 

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