That Depressed Old Lady: Difference between revisions

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<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">There’s only so much you can do at 6 in the morning while pumped with caffeine. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">There's only so much you can do at 6 in the morning while pumped with caffeine. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">You can stare at the ceiling for 4 hours and move on with your life, watch porn or switch to cocaine. I always choose the latter. It’s good while it lasts. Or maybe the last two at the same time. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">You can stare at the ceiling for 4 hours and move on with your life, watch porn or switch to cocaine. I always choose the latter. It's good while it lasts. Or maybe the last two at the same time. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Alright, with that out of the way, let me tell you about the time where the sweet face of safety hid itself behind fear and disgust and changed my life… </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Alright, with that out of the way, let me tell you about the time where the sweet face of safety hid itself behind fear and disgust and changed my life… </span></p>
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[[File:Oldlady.jpg|thumb|For those of you that don't know, this is an old lady.]]
[[File:Oldlady.jpg|thumb|For those of you that don't know, this is an old lady.]]


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">She looked so depressed she sucked all the happiness from me, so I wanted to slap her in the neck, but when I tried to, she reversed and DDT’d me to the floor. I thought something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t point my finger at it, so I got up. I asked why was</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> she</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> so depressed. She whispered that she</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">'d</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> seen "the ungodly face of evil" and that "no one is safe". </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">She looked so depressed she sucked all the happiness from me, so I wanted to slap her in the neck, but when I tried to, she reversed and DDT'd me to the floor. I thought something wasn't right, but I couldn't point my finger at it, so I got up. I asked why was</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> she</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> so depressed. She whispered that she</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">'d</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> seen "the ungodly face of evil" and that "no one is safe". </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Next thing I know, she gave me a piece of paper, and on it, the following message: </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Next thing I know, she gave me a piece of paper, and on it, the following message: </span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language: EN-US"> went home, entered Google Maps, and searched the sequence </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">of numbers and letters</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">, only to find a street a few blocks away from the county fair. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language: EN-US"> went home, entered Google Maps, and searched the sequence </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">of numbers and letters</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">, only to find a street a few blocks away from the county fair. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I took my bike and carried on his wayward. "All this…", I thought, "It doesn’t make sense… What was that old lady talking about? Why did she give me the coordinates? Why me?". </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I took my bike and carried on his wayward. "All this…", I thought, "It doesn't make sense… What was that old lady talking about? Why did she give me the coordinates? Why me?". </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I’d soon find out. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I'd soon find out. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">When I arrived at my destination, night had fallen upon me, and it was fucking scary, because darkness. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">When I arrived at my destination, night had fallen upon me, and it was fucking scary, because darkness. </span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">It looked abandoned, therefore, spooky, but I put my bike down and went inside. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">It looked abandoned, therefore, spooky, but I put my bike down and went inside. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">The door felt like it was made of Legos, so I Leroy Jenkins’d inside, and took a look around: dusty, old furniture in the middle of a cobweb infested room and some torture instruments lying around in the floor. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">The door felt like it was made of Legos, so I Leroy Jenkins'd inside, and took a look around: dusty, old furniture in the middle of a cobweb infested room and some torture instruments lying around in the floor. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I explored the division, and found another door. This time, there was a hallway behind it. When I went through, the door shut itself. At this point, I felt something wasn’t right. I opened it again. Turned around. Slam. Opened it. Turned. Slam. Opened. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Slowly t</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">urned, but this quickly looking back. Slam. Missed it. Opened. Tu- Oh, fuck it. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I explored the division, and found another door. This time, there was a hallway behind it. When I went through, the door shut itself. At this point, I felt something wasn't right. I opened it again. Turned around. Slam. Opened it. Turned. Slam. Opened. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Slowly t</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">urned, but this quickly looking back. Slam. Missed it. Opened. Tu- Oh, fuck it. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">There was only one door in the end of the hallway. When I got close, blood started to come out beneath it.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> I thought it was a glitch, so I ignored it.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> But when I got even closer, the blood started to consume the door, so I screamed. I wasn’t going to touch that. No, no old lady would tell me what to do. I curled into a ball and a demon invaded my thoughts. For some reason. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">There was only one door in the end of the hallway. When I got close, blood started to come out beneath it.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> I thought it was a glitch, so I ignored it.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> But when I got even closer, the blood started to consume the door, so I screamed. I wasn't going to touch that. No, no old lady would tell me what to do. I curled into a ball and a demon invaded my thoughts. For some reason. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"I’m waiting for you... Dik Dik Van Dik…" </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"I'm waiting for you... Dik Dik Van Dik…" </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">How do you know my name?" </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-fareast-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">How do you know my name?" </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">But before </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">he could answer me</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">, he disappeared. Apparently, I was in a coma for four years. Somehow, my phone battery didn’t run out so I could conveniently see the date through the calendar of my Nokia. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">But before </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family: "TimesNewRoman";mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";color:black; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">he could answer me</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%;mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">, he disappeared. Apparently, I was in a coma for four years. Somehow, my phone battery didn't run out so I could conveniently see the date through the calendar of my Nokia. </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I was still in the same place, which was weird, and the door was still in front of me. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">I was still in the same place, which was weird, and the door was still in front of me. </span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"Oh! You came! What took you so long?" </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">"Oh! You came! What took you so long?" </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:115%;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri; color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-US"> </span></p>


<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">After that, she made tea, and we talked about our pets. She was really nice and anticlimactic, and even offered to call a cab. All she wanted was some help cutting the lawn, and seeing I was full of packs, I was the perfect candidate. My family might’ve thought I was dead for a while so I called them, and it was all very emotional and shit, and I went home. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:14.0pt;line-height:115%; mso-bidi-font-family:"TimesNewRoman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">After that, she made tea, and we talked about our pets. She was really nice and anticlimactic, and even offered to call a cab. All she wanted was some help cutting the lawn, and seeing I was full of packs, I was the perfect candidate. My family might've thought I was dead for a while so I called them, and it was all very emotional and shit, and I went home. </span></p>


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