The Assless Chap
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NSFW WARNING
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I was on my way home last month when I first saw him. He was gone so quick I wasn't actually sure that I had seen anything at all. I happened to turn my head towards a dark alley just in time to catch a man-like figure dart behind an overflowing garbage bin. I thought I must have been seeing things, perhaps it was just my imagination going into overdrive after a long shift. That's what I assumed anyway, until a week later when I saw him again.
It was the same alley as last time, around the same time. Only this time he didn't dart away. He just stood there staring at me. He looked fairly normal, around six foot-something, shaggy hair, very average for a middle aged man. He did look a little older than he should, like the years had not been kind to him. It didn't take me long to notice that he was missing something... his ass. A concerned look must have crossed my face because he darted behind the same garbage bin, probably in shame. I wanted to investigate, but it was almost 1am and following a strange, assless man into an alley probably wasn't such a good idea. So I just shrugged it off and kept walking. As I continued walking I'd occasionally hear a scurrying behind me, but no matter how quickly i'd turn around, there would be nothing there.
When I finally got home that night I laid awake in bed thinking about the assless man and where his ass went. Did he lose a bet with a friend? Did he make a powerful enemy? Was having an ass against his religion? All these questions raced through my mind.
Now I want to be very clear about something, when I say this man had no ass, I do not mean he was flat, I mean that his ass was visibly inverted, by like... a lot. If his ass was a belly button, it'd be an innie. It was like he had every part of his ass surgically removed, but why?
The next night was the same as the last, only this time for the rest of my journey home after passing the alley it seemed like the wind was whispering to me. What was it saying? "Assssss. My asssss." Needless to say I walked home a little quicker that night. When I got inside my roommate could tell that I was visibly distraught.
"What's wrong? Was Mikey in the kitchen giving you shit again?" She asked, not looking up from her phone, seemingly uninterested.
"No," I sighed "it's the damnedest thing. You know the alley on third and sixteenth? I keep seeing this man there and, well I'm going to sound crazy, but... he has no ass."
As soon as I said that she fumbled with her phone so hard it went flying across the room shattering a candle sitting on the windowsill. After staring at me wide eyed for quite some time she finally spoke.
"Repeat that last part." She whispered, her face pale as the mans ass would have been.
"He has... no ass?" I repeated, confused. As soon as I said that she burst into tears. I tried to console her, but nothing could get her to calm down. Eventually through sobs she began to speak.
"They... they took his ass" she hiccupped "so now, he's going to take yours." Her sobbing continued for hours. When she was finally calm enough to speak in coherent sentences she told me the full story. The story of the Assless Chap. Apparently back in the early nineties there was a man named Pip, he was an ass model. It was said that he had the fattest, juiciest badonkadonk in all of the country. He had it all, fame, fortune... an ass. Then one day everything changed. Suddenly nothing was enough for him. He got greedy. He got ass implants. Making his badonkadonk even fatter and juicier. The other ass models were already struggling as it was, but with those implants, he ruined their lives. There were no ass modeling jobs left for anyone else. Children starved. Models were evicted from their homes. Their asses seemed to deflate just as quickly as their spirits did. That's when the failed, saggy assed, former ass models got together and decided to teach him a lesson. They decided no one man deserved the power of such a fat, juicy ass. They decided they needed to take it. So they did.
On June nineth 1996 they cornered him in that same alley I had seen him in the past few weeks. He begged and pleaded, but it was useless. After a very painful half an hour or so, they had done it. They removed his entire ass and then some. Then they made him watch as person by person they surgically implanted a piece of his ass into their own. It was no longer his ass, it was their ass. Without his ass he was nothing, his wife left him, he couldn't get a paying gig anywhere, nobody wanted to hire a man with no ass. He had no choice but to turn to the sewers, to hide in the darkness amongst the shit that he can no longer make... because he has no ass.
Now it's rumored that five years later around that date the Assless Chap emerged from the sewers an returned to that same alley to find a victim with a fat, juicy badonkadonk, so he could take their ass for himself. He would turn them into the Assless Chap, leaving them to wander the sewers until a week before June nineth, where they're allowed to return to the alley and use that entire week to search for the perfect ass to steal and make their own. If you heard "Assss. My asssss." in the wind that's how you know you were chosen.
I convinced myself my roommate was just fucking with me. She had to be, right? Regardless, seeing as it was June nineth, I slept with my gun on my bedside table that night. It took me hours to fall asleep, but somehow I finally did. What felt like seconds after I heard my door creak open. Without hesitation I pulled out my gun and shot at the shadowy figure in my room. As the body thudded to the floor I heard a familiar voice scream out "I was just checking to make sure you still had your ass!" It was my roommate. She wasn't trying to steal my ass, she was trying to save my ass.
I shot up and ran to her now lifeless body, leaving my gun behind. I was kneeled over her, begging for forgiveness, but she couldn't hear me. As I was bent over her I felt a sharp pain on my ass cheek, almost like a sawing, I turned around, but it was already too late. The assless chap was stealing my ass. I watched in horror as my fat juicy badonkadonk got smaller and smaller, going from a dummy thicc outie, to a sad, dried up innie. The Assless Chaps got fatter and fatter as mine got smaller and smaller. "My asssssss. MY assssss!" the Assless Chap hissed and he took the last of what used to be my ass before using his newly installed ass to bounce his way out of my apartment.
As I lay there assless and friendless I think about all the times I took my ass for granted. My roommate I could take or leave, she couldn't hold her phone for more than two minutes without accidentally yeeting it into something, but my ass... now that I will truly miss.
So let this be your warning, stay away from the alley the week of June nineth, I'm on the hunt for a fat, juicy, badonkadonk.... and it just might end up being yours.
Credited to hovdeisfunny
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