The Ballad of Daddy Pig
I really hate my grandpa. I'm sorry for starting this so negatively but I just wish to express my utter disdain for my grandpa and his zany antics. He treats me like a two year old even though I've been to Fordham University twice and work as a waiter at a high class restaurant called Singy Eatey Time. Every time a birthday or Christmas comes by my grandpa will make it his soul goal to give me loads of kids show DVD's. The worst kind of kids show like Peppa Pig, Super Why, Little Einstein's, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse etc.
My grandpa works as an assistant in a CEX and is a personal protégé of his boss Mr Carface who supplies my grandpa with loads of free DVD's. Mr Carface is a fat fucking bulldog who stinks of cheese and wee. He also can't go two seconds without smoking a cigar and that just makes me sick to my stomach.
Of all the shows my grandpa forces me to sit through the worse of them in my opinion is none other than Peppa Pig. It is the worst frecking show I have ever seen. I never liked it even when I was a wee two year old living in the hills of Russia. I not gonna bother explaining the lore of Peppa Pig because quite frankly dear I haven't got the time as I really need to take a shit like some kind of Mickey Mouse.
My grandpa and Mr Carface are fully aware of my immense hatred for Peppa Pig and Mr Carface supplies my grandpa with buckets upon buckets of Peppa Pig DVD's, video games, and plush toys even though CEX doesn't sell plush toys. What the fuck!?
One warm Spring afternoon, I was making a fishy zimbatue sandwich and if you don't know what that is. Well let me just say you're gonna find out someday. While I was making the sandwich my grandpa came in holding a CEX bag. "I got you a new DVD boyio." My grandpa said while shoving a cigar into his mouth or at least I certainly hope it was a cigar. Looked like a bunch of hot air to me!
I looked at my grandpa with contempt before asking, "oh and let me guess it's another Peppa Pig DVD isn't it Grandpa?" My grandpa smiled a wicked onion cat smile before saying, "why yes my boy yes it is!" My grandpa then proceeded to reach inside the plastic bag and threw me the DVD. I hit me in the chest and caused me to start vomiting outside my intestines but that's a whole other story. It's far too long to tell without a drink in my hand. Know what I mean?
I looked the DVD over. The cover had a picture of Daddy Pig standing on top of a hill with flames in the background. Also Daddy Pig was pulling a very evil grin. The back of the DVD was rather odd it was a picture of Patchy the Pirate dealing cookie dough with the Empire Bay Triads. Who on Earth took that picture? I wonder what the story was behind that.
Anyways, I proceeded to try and explain to my grandpa that I was really busy for work as I was working a late shift but my grandpa was having none of it. He forced me to sit down in the living room and threw my half made sandwich in the trash can. The rude carrot onion. My grandpa proceeded to put the disc into the nearby DVD player. I began browsing on my phone when my neighbour Frank Coughdrops came to the window and poked his disgusting face through it. "Bruce! You must stop watching that DVD before...." Coughdrops was silenced when my grandpa threw a brick at Coughdrop's face. Suddenly Big Smoke came in and asked, "what was that all about baby?" "Never you mind Smoke." My grandpa instructed as the commercials began to play. Only they were extremely weird.
One commercial had the local potato farmer getting beat up by a debt collector, another had Larry the Lobster downing protein shakes with Richard Bagg laughing as he had laced them with mega colon blow, and another one had BSL Reaction Asylum watching a Mario YouTube Poop. "IT'S BREAD!" BSL yelled at the top of his mighty lungs of mightiness. You see old BSL was quite high on toast.
After this the main menu finally appeared. It was rather bland and was just a picture of Peppa and George playing on the computer with Daddy Pig. There was also a HORRID instrumental of the main theme playing in the background. It sounded awful and made my ears bleed out egg shells. There was over 9000 options to choose from but I did not have time to go through all of them. One of the options read "Rap Rat Talks Back." Curious I clicked it and was treated to a video of my grandpa rapping with Rap Rat and Cool Cat while Daddy Derek was dancing with Globox in the background. "It's hip a hop with the coolest cat and the best rat." Derek sang in his sickly strong Southern accent. Suddenly the king of Hyrule came into my house and yelled, "enough!"
I exited out of the video and clicked 'play episode' instead and the episode began with the normal theme song. Well actually it was anything but normal. Well for starters none of the other characters were present in the intro it was only Daddy Pig and all the snort noises were placed with farts. Big ones too.
So the episode started with an outside view of Peppa's house. The title appeared on screen and it read, "The Ballad of Daddy Pig." Now I've seen about every single episode of Peppa Pig because of my grandpa forcing me to watch them but I ain't ever seen an episode named that before. I shook it off because I was quite a big fan of Taylor Swift after all.
The episode then showed the inside of Peppa's house with Daddy Pig watching TV in the living room. Suddenly Peppa came in and yelled, "Daddy you need go for a run and lose that fat belly of yours!" Daddy Pig shook his head violently before saying, "just a minute Peppa I want to finish my show." All of the sudden the TV switched off as Goofy had pulled out the plug. Goofy then looked at Daddy Pig with an incredibly cheesey grin. It was cheesey than Wallace's cheese collection.
Daddy Pig was then forced to go on a run and was clearly very tired as he had just gotten home from an incredibly long and hard day at work. He tried to tell Peppa and Mommy Pig about this but they were having absolutely none of it. The sick bastards.
Anyways, Daddy eventually returned home and fell on top of the sofa and tried to take a nap. Suddenly the TV switched on and Mr Potato came on screen holding a picture of Daddy Pig. "Daddy Pig is very fat isn't he children?" Mr Potato asked before continuing with, "Daddy Pig needs some exercise!" This caused Daddy Pig to shoot up like a brick and ask, "eh what!?" Mr Potato then yelled, "dance piggy dance!" It kind of reminded me of how Squidward was once tormented by fat Billy Nobair but that's another story entirely.
Daddy Pig then proceeded to dance to the rhythm of the jungle all the while Mr Potato constantly went on off on Daddy Pig for being so fat. Suddenly Peppa and George came in with Peppa yelling, "work that fat belly Daddy!" This caused Daddy Pig to start tearing up as Mr Worry came in and said, "this could be trouble." Daddy Pig then fell to the floor and fell fast asleep.
The following day, Daddy Pig woke up late for work and found out that his car had been towed by Miss Rabbit for some unknown reason. "Oh dear." The narrator said as Daddy Pig began racing down the hill all the way to his work. At work, Daddy's boss Mr Hinkle forced Daddy to drop and give him 20 push ups. He then increased the number to 69 as the old Hinkle did have a thing for Daddy Pig. So all the rumours were true.
Returning home that night, Daddy Pig plopped down onto the sofa and Peppa came in and changed the channel which caused Daddy Pig to say, "but Peppa I was watching that!" "But it was a bit boring Daddy." Peppa said. Suddenly Mommy Pig came in and forced Daddy Pig into making pancakes. "The secret behind a smelly pancake is to flip it." Daddy Pig said as he attempted to flip the pancake only to have stick to the celling. "What a shit pancake." Mommy Pig laughed. All of the sudden Squidward came on screen and smiled but it was a rather sinister squidy smile.
Suddenly a lighting strike could be heard outside as Daddy yelled, "that's it! I have had enough!" Daddy Pig then proceeded to beat Mommy Pig senselessly with the frying pan. He then turned his attention to Peppa and proceeded to throw her out the window. He then proceeded to sit on top of George crushing him to death in the process.
Daddy Pig then ran upstairs into his bedroom and pulled out a shotgun. "I never thought I'd have to use this!" Daddy Pig proclaimed as he ran outside to find out that his car was still towed. Police constable Al Priss came up to Daddy Pig and said, "we've had complaints about a domestic violence dispute can you..." Daddy Pig proceeded to shoot Priss in the head with his shotgun killing him instantly. He then proceeded to kill Miss Rabbit, Rebecca Rabbit, Suzy Sheep, Danny Dog, and Madam Gazelle among others. Daddy then proceeded to reach the theatre where Mr Potato and his family were fliming a dumb Christmas show even though it wasn't even a Christmas themed episode.
Daddy Pig jumped on top of the stage and killed Mr Potato's family before yelling, "Mr Potato I've come for you" "Oh sugar honey ice tea!" Mr Potato cried as Daddy Pig proceed to grab Mr Potato and lift him into the air with his immense strength, Daddy Pig then proceeded to drag Mr Potato outside and threw him into the trunk of his car. Arriving back at the house, Daddy Pig threw Mr Potato onto the kitchen side and grabbed a potato masher and proceeded to mash Mr Potato into mash potatoes and he then ate the messy potato in two seconds flat.
Suddenly the narrator in human form came into the house, and said, "Daddy Pig is very handsome!" Daddy Pig then proposed to the narrator and the two got married two months later with a time montage being shown which included their wedding and them moving into Mr Potato's Mansion. Daddy Pig is then seen eating a pumpkin and says, "pumpkins are the only thing I can eat." Suddenly Mr Pumpkin came in and yelled, "no I don't want that!"
With that the episode ended with the normal credits. Only there was a post credit scene which featured Mr Pumpkin at a restaurant owned by Markipiler of all people. "Give me the jam." Mr Pumpkin said to which Markipiler asked, "are you selling drugs mister?" Mr Pumpkin's eyes dashed violently from left to right as he said quickly, "of course not!" Markipiler had caught wind of the drug business Mr Pumpkin had going on with the Marcano Crime Family. For Mr Pumpkin was a close friend of Uncle Lou. Too close one could say but I digress. I am a big fan of Wii Sports after all but then again who isn't really?
Suddenly I felt a revolver touch the back of my head as my grandpa said in a quiet voice, "stick em up cowboy." "Not today!" I proclaimed angrily as I punched my grandpa square in the face. We then proceeded to have an epic fight with Frank Coughdrops and the king of Hyrule cheering us on in the background. "Kick his ass!" Coughdrops yelled as I proceeded to beat the ever living snots out of my grandpa.
I then proceeded to call the police who arrived at my house two hours later to take my grandpa to jail. The policers officers who came to arrest my grandpa were none other than Sam and Max themselves. "Jumping jellyfish on a sardine sandwich we finally got him Max!" Sam proclaimed happily. You see as it turns out my grandpa was involved in a nefarious business with Mr Carface. They were getting their products from the Empire Bay Triads who wished to take over the French Ward and Mr Carface was more than happy to oblige by cutting his ties with the Marcano Family.
After my grandpa was arrested, Mr Carface was caught not long after and both of them were given life in prison. Also a huge chunk of the Triads were put in the electric chair. They may be sticking a firecracker up my ass but I could not give a flying duck.
Life began getting better for me as well. I ended up moving to Empire Bay and got a respectable job as property magnate and rumoured crime boss Leo Galante's accountant. I get paid $100,000 per month and used my money to buy a house in Greenfield and have my own luxury shurbert frigate the best sports car in the whole ducking world.
Meanwhile Mr Coughdrops took over the CEX that my grandpa once worked at and turned into a spotted dick manufacturing plant. I learned something from that Peppa Pig episode ya know? I learned that there comes a time when you must stand up to people who insult and belittle you no matter whose backing them. When you finally learn to stand up for yourself good times can happen. Now if you excuse me dear readers I need to go and take a steamy dump. Goodbye for now!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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