The Battle of McDonaldland
We all know Ronald McDonald the primary mascot for the popular fast food chain McDonald's. Ronald and his friends' adventures over in McDonaldland have entertained children across the
world for decades. Sadly in recent years, Ronald and the gang have kind of been fazed out by McDonald's in favour of their new mascot Happy the Happy Meal Box. Happy is absolutely terrifying and makes me shutter and shit out egg shells just thinking of that dreaded box.
A lot of people including Eddie Scarpa have been curious as to where and why the legendary fast clown and his friends have gone. Many people claim that Ronald and his friends have gone to the great McDonalds in the sky. However Eddie felt differently and sought the help of Edgar Balthazar the ex lover of that smelly clown in order to find out what truly happened using an inside source. Edgar pulled Eddie close to his face and asked in a quiet whisper, "can you keep a secret? Oh of course you can!" Edgar then began Scarpa the story of the truth about Ronald McDonald and why McDonalds was so keen on getting rid of their icon.
Ronald McDonald off the camera was not the loveable clown that we all knew and loved. Far from it in fact according to Edgar, Ronald was quite the asshole. He would often shout and moan when the kids in the commercials starring him would goof off or forget their lines. He got so angry that sometimes a replacement played by Charlie Sheen would have to step in to replace Ronald. This was of course until Sheen demanded dinner with his homie Turban Beardie every hour on the hour and McDonalds' didn't the resources to waste for this so they fired him.
Off the set, Ronald was also horrible as was his co-star Grimace. Thanks to his sadistic nature, Ronald became Mayor of McDonaldland after drowning Mayor McCheese in the river of ketchup. Ronald was a tyrant and starved his people, he also had protesters made into hamburgers by Luca Brasi, and made Grimace his personal enforcer. No one dared visit the land as long as Ronald was in control even powerful business leaders such as Norm of the North were wary of avoiding it. Norm was busy anyway dancing with his undercover lover Father O'Father.
With Grimace providing the muscle, Ronald was an unstoppable force and demanded royalties from every McDonalds across the world. The Lost Heaven branch of the company tried to turn him down and Ronald responded by burning down the store killing everyone who worked there even Grandpa Joe.
A few of Ronald's friends had tried to talk some sense to that dreaded fast food clown but none of them were successful. Grimace meanwhile had completely fallen under Ronald's sway and had become solely loyal to the clown for he had developed an addiction to big macs and Ronald would supply him with free burgers as long as he did his bidding.
Captain Crook meanwhile became involved with Ronald acting as his accountant. He also craved cheese burgers but Ronald hated Crook and thus refused to give him any. "Ahoy! How about a cheese burger for me?" Captain Crook would ask only to get a slap across his face from Ronald's yellow gloved hand. Meanwhile, Sundae had become fat and lazy as Ronald fed him like a king. He still loved his dear dog and it was one of the only good things the people in McDonaldland could say about ole Ronald. Meanwhile, Officer Big Mac became Ronald's cop on payroll and also helped Ronald with the murder of Mayor McCheese.
People like Hamburglar and Birdie The Early Bird were treated the worse by Ronald. Birdie especially as Ronald planned on turning her into chicken nuggets and was fattening her up until the time was right. Hamburglar meanwhile was put to work in one of Ronald's many factories and was forced to work extra hard as Ronald despised him more than anyone else. Hamburgler couldn't blame Ronald as he did try and steal hamburgers in the past but even still Ronald's actions seemed bang out of order to him at least. Also, Mac Tonight was the only one wise enough to leave McDonaldland behind. He moved to Empire Bay and became a world famous talk show host.
Hamburglar and the Mcnugget Buddies as well as the Fry Kids and the Professor were planning a revolution which would end with Ronald's death and Hamburgler replacing him as Mayor. Hamburgler hoped that with Ronald dead and him as Mayor he would bring peace back to McDonaldland. "I will set you free!" Hamburgler sang to Birdie but sadly it was far too late for her. As only one day after Hamburgler sang this to her, Ronald and Grimace paid her a visit with Grimace holding a meatcleaver.
Birdie's death was slow and incredibly painful. After she was killed, Ronald and Grimace made Birdie into chicken nuggets and had served her in local McDonalds stores. She had enough chicken on her to last Ronald for at least a month or two. He'd even have some leftovers to give to Sundae for his dinner. Ronald and Grimace also expressed interest in taking control of the nearby Burger King Land ran by the Burger King himself. The King was far too powerful and also had connections to Gus Polinski the poker king of the Midwest making him practically untouchable. This kept Ronald and Grimace away well at least for now anyway.
The night after Birdie was killed, Hamburglar arranged a meeting with the Professor, Mcnugget Buddies, and Fry Kids at the back room of the factory he worked at. Hamburgler's plan was simple. The group would recruit as many as people as they could to aid in their crusade against Ronald McDonald. Then they would all form together and perform an assault on McDonald Manor killing Ronald in the process.
The next few days went by, Hamburglar's cohorts went around town asking for people to join their Resistance. Many people joined them including the Waste Baskets, Norm of The North, Edgar Balthazar, Mrs Duper, The Burger King, Cap'n Crunch, Gus Polinski, and even Sully CEO of Monsters Incorporated. Ronald was not dumb however and had his mansion secured like a fortress with waves upon waves of bodyguards and corrupt cops hired to protect it. Officer Big Mac manned the front gate like it was his own child. Grimace meanwhile accompanied Ronald everywhere as his bodyguard, and no one could get to see Ronald without going through Grimace first.
Three weeks after the recruitments, Hamburglar felt like he and his Resistance had waited long enough and now was the perfect time to strike and take on Ronald McDonald. The Resistance sat on a nearby hill armed to the teeth with Hamburgler standing in front in order to lead the assault. "We'll have to move fast." Hamburgler said before continuing with, "Ronald's built himself an army." The Mcnuggets began shaking violently to which Sully asked, "why are you so scared fellas?" "Because we're chicken!" The Mcnugget buddies cried as Hamburglar yelled, "now!"
Hamburglar charged towards McDonald Manor with his cohorts following behind him. They made their way up to the front gate where big surprise Officer Big Mac was waiting for them with a sinister glare in his eyes. "You lot best turn back right now if you know what's good for ya." Officer Big Mac ordered. "Poker twist." Gus Polinski said as he grabbed Officer Big Mac with his immense strength, and proceeded to lift him up into the air. Polinski then proceeded to twist Officer Big Mac in unmentionable ways. He twisted him to the point of no return and essentially completely mutilated the officer. Officer Big Mac died from the twisting as Hamburglar said, "next we take on Captain Crook."
At that moment, the Professor pulled out a large machine gun from his ass and handed it over to Hamburglar. "You're gonna need this son." The Professor warned as the gate opened up slowly and surely. Inside the front garden stood waves upon waves of Ronald's guards already armed to teeth with incredibly powerful weapons. "Hello and goodbye." Patrick Star said as he pushed Hamburglar out of the way and began shooting the machine gun himself. He slaughtered massacres of Ronald's men allowing the Resistance to advance inside the Manor itself.
The Professor, Sully, and Norm were sent after Captain Crook who was hiding in Ronald's basement like some kind of Charmx. Upon entering said basement, Captain Crook looked at the three before asking, "oh really?" Norm then proceeded to bust into a groovy dance to which Captain Crook responded by shooting him in the gut with a shotgun. Norm died instantly from the blast and the Professor responded by shooting Captain Crook with a ray gun killing him instantly as well as avenging Norm's death in the process.
With Captain Crook dead, Hamburglar's main problem was Grimace who was far too strong for even Sully to take on in a fight. It was the Burger King himself who had an idea this time. He led the group to the Grimace Lounge which was an entire lounge made specifically for Grimace and his homies to chill out and eat cheeseburgers to their hearts content. They found Grimace chilling on a large purple sofa reading a magazine. He looked up and said evilly, "some people are going to die tonight!"
Grimace began charging towards the group with immense speed but was stopped when the Burger King held up his hand as if he was telling Grimace to shut up. Grimace stopped in his tracks as he was just as curious and confused as the King's friends were. He reached inside his pocket and removed a large cheese burger. Grimace began licking his lips and grabbed the burger out of the King's hands eating it all in one bite. Suddenly, a loud stomach grumble could be heard as Grimace's belly began shaking uncontrollably. "Oh dear." Grimace said as he exploded into a million bite size pieces. "No one from McDonalds can handle my burger's steamy taste." The King said as he spoke for the very first time. Also he sounded like Matt Berry for some bizarre reason.
Hamburglar went into alone to confront Ronald in his penthouse suite as the rest of the Resistance had to deal with the reinforcements Ronald had sent to protect him. Ronald was busy playing Shrek 2 on Xbox but knew exactly what had been happening. "You killed Grimace did ya? Hamburgler you're no better than me. You'll kill me and then you'll be an even worse leader than I was." Ronald said as he proceeded to shut the Xbox off. Hamburglar pointed his gun at Ronald's face and said, "you killed Birdie Ronald. You enslaved the entire McDonaldland into doing your dirty business." Ronald laughed before saying, "I did what was best Hamburglar. It was just business know what I'm saying? Besides you only ever cared about yourself and don't pretend otherwise. Don't think I cannot see through you prick."
Ronald then pulled out a large shotgun and began shooting at Hamburglar. Hamburglar tried to shoot Ronald but had no effect as Ronald was wearing body armour and lots of it too. "Now you die." Ronald said when all of the sudden two familiar voices began singing from behind Ronald. "That's right we are and we'd like to ask a favour of you!" Ronald turned around to see the wastebaskets dancing towards him. "Oh fuck!" Ronald yelled as Hamburglar punched Ronald in the face causing him to fall to the floor. He couldn't get up to fight Hamburglar back as the wastebaskets began consuming their next meal. "Hamburgler if you have a problem with me let's sort it out ourselves okay? We don't have to bring the wastebaskets into this!" Ronald pleaded as an unmoved Hamburglar responded simply with, "sorry Ronald it was nothing personal just business." "Oh... oh God! I'm sorry... Please please... no no." Ronald's feeble last attempts at pleading with Hamburgler were cut short as he was fully consumed by the wastebaskets. The wastebaskets continued singing with, "don't forget to feed the wastebaskets at McDonalds at McDonaldland at McDonalds."
Leaving the Manor, Hamburglar returned outside to see that the Resistance had successfully killed all of Ronald's reinforcements. Hamburgler made a speech and said, "and from this day forward no more lives will be lost in McDonaldland for Ronald McDonald's reign of terror is finally over!" Everybody cheered even the miserable Mr Parks squeezed an apple in admiration for Hamburgler.
Hamburglar took over as Mayor and under his control, McDonaldland became a happy place once again. He developed better relations with Burger King Land as well as KFC and Wendy's Land. He closed down all the factories and cut his ties with the McDonalds company for good giving them back all the royalties that were given to Ronald in the process. Hamburglar was a better leader than Ronald ever was. The Professor became a world famous scientist, the Mcnugget Buddies became actors, and the Fry Kids opened up their own hair salon. It was all going well but McDonalds themselves were facing problems.
With their mascot dead and the McDonaldland crew essentially cutting all their ties with the company, McDonalds needed a new mascot. At first they sought out Richard Fatchurd but he ate all the hamburgers making him unsuitable for the job, and they even tried the Tin Man but he and his husband the Scarecrow had gone vegan and refused to partner up with McDonalds unless the company paid over $9000 to the local vegan house owned by Gaston. Yes Gaston not even joking on that one.
Finally McDonalds settled upon Happy the Hamburger Box who was one of the only people to survive Hamburgler's assault on McDonald Manor. He became the company's new mascot replacing Ronald and his friends. He became far more famous and loved than that evil clown could ever hope to have done. Also after Edgar told Eddie all of this Scarpa published the events in a book which is now the best selling novel ever to based on fast food. Also a documentary film was released with each Resistance member giving their version of the story and anecdotes surrounding their lives during Ronald McDonalds' tyrannous reign as Mayor. Sadly this documentary has long since been lost; it is buried deep in the caves of Androzani.
To this day Ronald McDonald is still seen by many as McDonald's true mascot Happy even by yours truly actually. He practically built that company's success himself. It was too bad that such an iconic character could make such a fatale mistake that late in life. At least we can rest a little easier now knowing that McDonaldland is safe once again.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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