The Billy Mays Channel

In February of 2010, Billy Mays returned from the grave and started his own cable service. He called it, "Billy Mays Channels". In 2011, the cable service disappeared from the face of the earth. What you are about to see are transcripts of every show on every channel we could find.

Channel 1

HIYA, HIYA, HIY-KABOOM SUPER HERCULES MAYS HAMMER!

Channel 2

CHURNT ON BEES!

Channel 3

BILLY MAYS HAS THE POWER TO REMOVE YOUR CAR WITH A BAZOOKA! IT'S THAT EASY!

(Billy Mays fires a bazooka at your car)

Channel 4

JUST PLACE THE OXI-CLEAN DETERGENT BALL IN THE BLUE TOSS-AND-GO DISPENSER, JUST TOSS AND SMASH YOUR WASHER WITH A HAMMER WHILE IT CLEANS NOTHING! LAUNDRY JUST GOT HARDER!

Channel 5

WOW A TOILET! ALL THIS TOILET REALLY NEEDS IS WOPPING SIX-POUND BALLS OF STEEL!

Channel 6

Billy Mays: HI BILLY MAYS HERE! DO YOU ENJOY MY AGONIZING SHOUTING?!

Old Man: I suppose.

(Billy Mays hits the old man with wooden plank)

Billy Mays: SHUT UP OLD MAN!

Channel 7

HI DOCTOR BILLY ROBOTNIK HERE TO SMASH YOUR CAR!

Channel 8

(Billy Mays pours what may be Orange Glo on a pile of random objects while loud music plays)

Channel 9

CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP!

Channel 10

BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MIGHTY PUTTY! BUT I'M HIGH ON CRACK RIGHT NOW AND I'LL TRIPLE THE OFFER! I'LL SEND YOU SIX STICKS OF MIGHTY PUTTY ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Channel 11

I'LL SPRAY MYSELF DOWN WITH SOME COROSIVE ACID! OH MY GOD!

Channel 12

WHY AM I MAPPING WITH HAMMER?!

Channel 13 (Music Channel)

HI, HI, HI, HI HI HI, HI, HI, HI, BILL, EE, MAYS!

Channel 14 (Music Channel)

BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS BILLY MAYS!

Channel 15

WHY AM I SHOUTING?! I AM BILLY MAYS YOU ASSHOLE AND I SHOUT ALL THE TIME!

Channel 16

Woman: I'm on the ball!

Old Woman: I'm on the ball!

Billy Mays: ARE YOU ON THE BALL?

(Billy Mays throws an Oxi-Clean detergent ball to Woman 3)

Woman 3: Wow, what's this?

Billy Mays: GET OFF THE FUCKING BALL! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE BALL, BITCH!

(Billy Mays takes the Oxi-Clean detergent balls from everyone)

Channel 17

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?! YOU WANNA WATCH BILLY MAYS BUT YOU CAN'T FIND THE TV?! OR THE BILLY MAYS YOU WANT IS SHIT?! BILLY MAYS HERE WITH BILLYMAYS.COM! IT'S THE BILLY MAYS YOU WANT, WHEREVER YOU ARE! MIGHTY SHINE, ORANGE GLO, KABOOM AND SO MUCH MORE! EVEN MY FAMILY LOVES IT! SO DOES MY DOG! LOG ONTO BILLYMAYS.COM RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Channel 18

(Camera pans down to a Graveyard while text fades in that says "RIP Billy Mays 1958-2009" and some sad music plays when a wild Billy Mays appears along with an record scratch)

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET!

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