The Carl Sagan Ritual

Carl Sagan is known by many as a scientist, but in reality, he was a wizard. He knew all the spells ever and was the prime minister of Hogwarts. In fact, he didn't even die. He only faked his death to hide his immortality. Want to know how to meet him and become a Freemas- uh, I mean wizard yourself? Well, you must follow this ritual.

Step 1: To start this ritual, you will need to obtain the following items: a cross, 1 gram of cocaine, a double-sided dildo, a Nazi armband, some Legos, Edward Penishands, some white rice, a mutant banana (also known as a plantain), a liter of fake blood, a ventriloquist dummy, a PSone (the small one, not to be confused with PS1), a piece of paper, a Fleshlight, three chocolate bars, and Jerry Seinfeld. I know that sounds like a lot, but you need it all to survive.

Step 2: Put all the items into a suitcase or other portable storage device.

Step 3: Take the white rice and stuff it into the ventriloquist dummy. Then, take the double-sided dildo and dip it into the fake blood. Then, on the piece of paper, write the word: Dickbutt. The dummy should come to life. Ask him if he knows where the nearest restroom is. If he says yes, pack up all your items except for the dummy and proceed to the nearest restroom. If he says no, smash him with the PSone and flee to Russia.

Step 4: Once you are in the restroom, lock the door and leave the paper on the floor so the dummy doesn't attack you. Then, a portal will open up. Go through the portal and you will end up on an island. You will be stranded for days, and your skin will become so dark that people will think you're of African-American descent.

Step 5: After you are stranded for 40 days, you will be picked up by a cruise ship. Go straight to the stern, and you will find the one and only Moon Man. If you go up to him, he will kill you, because he's racist and you look black. So, you will need to rub the cocaine all over your body to appear white. After you're done rubbing, go up to Moon Man and ask him if he likes cocaine. He will always say yes, and he will snort some off your nipple. Now that he's stunned, you must take the mutant banana and shove it down his throat. He will choke to death, and you will obtain his magical sword. Don't stay too long, however, as the Legend of Zelda item get sound will play on an infinite loop, and this will catch the attention of the guards. So, you must jump off the boat.

Step 666: Now that you are in the ocean, let a shark swallow you. Then, you must stab its uvula with the cross. Make sure that you stab it at a 37 degree angle. Then, a portal will appear. Jump through it, and you will be teleported to Outworld.

Step 7: Once you are in Outworld, Su-Metal, Yuimetal, and Moametal will appear and ask you for chocolate. You must then grab the three chocolate bars and give one to each of them. They will thank you and leave. Be sure to give the chocolate to them within 1.5602934716 seconds, or else they will become Tarkatan and eat you because you look black. Then, you must find a portal to EarthRealm and go to the nearest bathroom. This is where you must Heil Hitler exactly 69420 times. Be sure to equip the Nazi armband before you start. Then, you will be sucked into purgatory.

Step 8: Once in purgatory, you will meet Ed Sheeran. He will challenge you to build a Lego house in 5 seconds. This is where you must take the few Legos you brought and stack them. If Ed says that it's not a house, just say that you have Down syndrome and that if he doesn't accept that it's a house, he is a racist and an ableist. He will grant you access to Jeff's house this is where the fun begins.

Step 69: You will become very horny at this point. This is where you must disrobe and fuck your Fleshlight and get fucked by your double-sided dildo. As you cum, Jeff will walk in and be turned on. This is where you must throw the liter of fake blood at Jeff. He will  think it's hyper realistic blood and explode. You must  now bathe in his blood to become white again (this ritual only works for white people). Then, the final portal will open up.

Step 10: As you go through the portal, you will come face to face with Carl Sagan himself. This is where you must throw Jerry Seinfeld at Mr. Sagan. As Carl Sagan is distracted, you must stab him with Moon Man's magic sword. As he dies, you will now become a wizard and return home.

CONGLATURATION!  You are now a wizard and can do whatever the fuck you want to.

P.S.: You don't actually need Edward Penishands. I just wanted to make a reference to Edward Penishands.

FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO HAVE PERFORMED THIS RITUAL

EVIL PATRIXXX

EVIL LLCOOLJXXX

Tom Cruise

Mr. T

EVILIGGYAZALEAXXX

Forrest Gump

Ben Affleck

Fred Durst

EVIL2PACXXX

Filthy Frank

Edward Penishands

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