The Death of Mr Potato
I never really understood my father's tastes when it came to television. He loved Peppa Pig, and everything about it as he was a major man child. He had decorated his entire bedroom with Peppa Pig merchandise. He had all the DVD's, video games, plush toys, and CD's.
He had even gone as far as to form his own gang of pals who met every week in my living room to discuss the show. They called themselves: The Stinky-Oinking Pigging Boys.
It wasn't a large group as it only consisted of my father and four other guys. The first man was named Doctor Gareth Smellnick who was incredibly smelly. Sadly there's no cure for it so he's been smelly since the day he was built by Doctor Heinz at the Baked Bean Factory, the second was General Asquith who led the entire British Military. He was also the identical twin brother of the late great police commissioner Richard Asquith. The third was Luca Brasi, and the fourth and final man was a quiet man who never spoke he only ever listened his name was Mr Shadow.
My father often forced me to take part in their discussions, and used me for an outsiders opinion. Despite the fact, I've told him time and time again: I have no interest in such topics, but any disagreements in the matter leads to General Asquith threatening to put my house under Marshall law. Also, they made me dress up like Daddy Pig while they ate hardcore cornflakes with gravy.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I had asked one day. "Because if we didn't do it then someone else would!" They sang while downing sevearl bottles of The Shadow Reader's homemade otter sauce. "We do it for the fear and love of Don Corleone himself." Luca explained while making hot steamey steamed hams with Skinner the spicy chef. Get it?
I was desperate to get revenge so I sought the help of a well dressed man named Victor Kennedy who claimed to be my salvation. He lent me a DVD of Peppa Pig, and told me that it contained a never before seen episode which he had specially produced for me. It was just a blank DVD case with nothing on it. "Wow lazy cover design." I said which caused Victor to slap me with his cane. "You stupid man!" He yelled as he made his way back into the shadows of the night.
I took the DVD to my house, and presented it to my father and the rest of his psychotic gang. As soon as he saw it he took the DVD, and kissed the case violently. He then headed into the kitchen to make us some popcorn while Luca put the disc into the DVD player. "So uh how are things with you Mr Shadow?" I asked. He didn't respond instead he played with a small otter plush toy which was sitting proudly upon his shoulder.
"Why you bring this DVD to me you want me to talk to my Don?" Luca asked confused. "No." I said as the DVD started with a brief clip which had a scarecrow in a field. A small school boy came up to him, and gave him a pack of Starbursts. The scarecrow was unable to reach the starbursts due to his short little arms, and he ended up collapsing onto the ground. "SHIT!!" The scarecrow yelled angrily.
The clip ended as my father came back into the living room placing a large bowl of popcorn onto the table in front of us. "So where exactly did you get this DVD from?" My father asked as he sat sown next to me on the sofa. "Some DVD store a few blocks down the road." I explained while Smellnick smelt some smelly CD's. My father seemed to buy the lie as the episode began with the normal theme song which was completely normal. It was so normal it caused Smellnick to jump out of the three story window catching a bus to Scotland. I fricking love Scotland. Just thought I'd let you know that dear reader.
The episode then started with an outside view of Peppa Pig's house with the narrator saying, "it was a normal day in Peppa's house." Only the narrator sounded incredibly awkward like he had forgotten his lines as he was constantly mumbling them, and sounded drunk as if he downed a whole bottle of vodka before recording them.
Inside the house, Peppa, George, Mommy, and Daddy Pig were all sitting in the living room with saucy looks plastered on their faces. My father paused the episode briefly. and began eating his foot. Once he was done eating, he pressed play on the remote as the episode continued with the narrator saying in a happy tone, "Peppa and her family were watching the News, but what they heard was very pleasant indeed."
On the TV, a guy who looked like he was in his late forties was doing a news report. "In other boring news: newly elected prime minister Mr Potato is coming down here today to discuss better work relations in the Tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob."
Peppa and George began jumping up and down on the sofa after hearing this, and demanded that Daddy and Mommy take them to see Mr Potato. "Okay Peppa but first you need to scrub the floors." The king of Highrule said as he came in farting violently as he did so. "Okay." Rainbow Dash said as Peppa began violently scrubbing the floor.
Once she was done, Peppa and George got into the car with Mommy and Daddy. They made their drive towards the local shopping centre where Mr Potato would be visiting. How they knew what shop he was visiting, and what time he would be there was anyone's guess. Suddenly, Sollozzo's face came on screen, and he said, "I need a million dollars in cash. I need a man with powerful friends. I need Don Corleone those politicians you carry in your pocket like so many nickels and dimes."
The episode then cut to show the Pig family along with the other families waiting outside of the shopping centre when a small limousine pulled up on the parking lot. Mr Potato got out, and greeted Daddy Pig with, "oh hello sexy." Daddy Pig blushed. It was shown via flashbacks that Daddy Pig had become Potato's lover to escape prison when Brexit came to pass.
Mr Potato began speaking with, "my dear children. Today's the today. Today is the day when Brexit will finally come to pass." "Trust me on this," Potato's bodyguard said while holding his thumb up. It had dirrahea all over it. Mr Potato then explained that his plans for Brexit were to put the whole city under Vegetable Law, and that anyone who apposes the emergency protocols will get a beat down by Mr Krabs.
"Ah Peppa George so glad to see you again!" Mr Potato greeted Peppa and George in his French accent. "Have you been eating your vegetables?" He asked. "Yes yes yes. We've been eating carrots, onions, potatoes..." Peppa said as Mr Potato cut her off with, "oh sugar honey ice tea!" Suddenly, Potato's bodyguard's eyes turned into potatoes, and he said, "I am totally radical for a baked potato!" He then pulled a machete, and proceeded to brutally chop Mr Potato into pieces.
He made Mr Potato into french fries, and had himself a lovely fish supper with the Fat Controller and his lover Sam the conductor while Thomas died from indigestion. (A/N: I told you this was a weird story.) Peppa and George watched on in horror as Daddy Pig assisted the bodyguard in the murder as well as Sollozzo who fell from the sky. They crushed the french fries, and made it into mash potatoes.
Daddy Pig then turned to the screen, and said, "I'm Prime Minister now bitches!" He then got into the limousine with the bodyguard as they made the drive back to Downing Street.
The narrator then said, "three months had passed, and Great Britain now under Daddy Pig's leadership had seen Brexit fall into the abyss." It then showed that with Daddy Pig as the new prime minister Britain had fallen into a dictatorship. He had people who protested his leadership skills gunned down in the street, starved his people, and used government money to build himself his very own castle on a hill. Because when the sun hits those hills just right they sing. Get it?
The episode then showed the tombstone of Mr Potato. A small thunder strike is shown as a large hand comes out from under the tombstone, as an evil laugh is heard in the background. The episode then ended with the normal credits. There was also a post credit scene which Pig from Back On The Barnyard talking to the screen. "Hey folks viewer mail time again! This one's from The Shadow Reader. Dear Pig aren't you a pig?" Pig then answered this question with, "well the answer is no." The clip then ended as the DVD popped out of the DVD player by itself.
After we were done watching the episode, my father passed out onto the floor and Asquith got up from his chair, and made a phone call to his superiors in the US asking to place Great Britain under marshal law. Several hours later in the early hours of the following morning, a large group of soldiers were outside my house. I told Asquith my story, and he had his soldiers looking all over the city for Victor Kennedy.
Luca Brasi had left due to him being sent on a mission to infiltrate a rival gang on the orders of his boss. My father was placed into sedation to cure his newly found insanity he earned from watching the episode. So within just a day, the Pigging Boys had officially disbanded.
I was just as confused as my father, and I spent the next few days trying to find information and footage of the episode online, but unfortunately there was no such luck in that regard. I eventually got a text from Mr Shadow asking me to meet with him at the local Starbucks.
I went to Starbucks, and bought myself a hot chocolate while I awaited the arrival of Mr Shadow. Mr Shadow soon came in five minutes later, and sat down on the chair across from mine with the otter plush still placed proudly upon his shoulder. "You have so much to see my friend. So much." Mr Shadow said as I asked. "what do you mean?" "That Victor Kennedy bloke you bought the DVD from was an employee of... Rabe Maniels." Mr Shadow explained. "Bullshit! Rabe Maniels is dead. The Shadow Reader and his friends defeated him by ending him into the end of time." I said as Mr Shadow sighed before saying, "we didn't defeat him. He managed to escape the crack somehow. We don't know how or why." Mr Shadow explained. "Who exactly are you?" I asked as Mr Shadow sighed before removing his gimp mask. Yes he wore a gimp mask. He removed it revealing the face of none other than The Shadow Reader himself.
"Now I think we understand each other." Shadow said as we made our way out of the Starbucks onto the busy streets. We made our way back to my house. Asquith's soldiers didn't bother to stop us due to them being on Shadow's payroll for big money.
We made our way up to my living room window where we saw General Asquith having a heated discussion with a man with a bold head. "I got the White House phoning me direct because Downing Street won't answer their calls! This is outrageous. We haven't even started the vaccination program." Asquith yelled angrily as the bold guy said, "well it has all been a bit of a shock." "This is the greatest crisis in morden history, and you've done nothing! Your behaviour has been shameful Sir. You're supposed to be charge, and we need postive leadership." Asquith went on.
Then all of the sudden, the bald guy began farting violently which disgusted Asquith, but made me hard like a motherducking racecar. "What's going on here?" Asquith asked before continuing, "and where's the rest of the cabinet why haven't they been airlifted in?"
The man continued farting before saying, "they'd of gotten in the way so I cancelled the airlifts." "Oh I'm shaking my booty!" The man said as he let out the most smelly fart that had ever been smelt. It smelt like dirrahea, rotten meat, and rat pee mixed together in a bag underneath a house in North Point not South Point. We're not that sick. The constant farting as well the man's lame excuses prompoted to Asquith to yell: "Sir! Under section five of the emergency protocols it is my duty to relieve you from command!" This caused Rabe to stop farting and giggling, and look at Asquith with a sinister glare. "And by God I'll put Downing Street under martial law as well if I have to!"
"Um who's that bold guy Asquith's yelling at? " I asked which caused Mr Shadow to let out a heavy sigh. That's Rabe Maniels." Shadow said before continuing, "and he's the new prime minister of Great Britain." "WHAT!?" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I looked back inside the window, and saw Rabe pulling out a large sword from his pants. He whacked Asquith over the head with, and he screamed in pain as he was killed.
Suddenly another big fat guy (the one from A Mung Daal Failed and The Spyro 3 Copy From Hell btw) came into the room, and asked, "is he dead?" "Yep so get changed." Rabe said as he brought Asquith's now lifeless body over to the fat guy. I recongised the fat man as being Greg Blakeman: head teacher of Hartley Dale High School.
Twenty minutes later, 'Greg' removed his skin suit revealing him to be a large green alien. He then replaced his suit of Greg with that of General Asquith's in order to be able to take over the British Military. In his new body, the alien remarked, "so what do you think? How's the compression? I don't know I think I've got too much ballice around the middle." He then let out a massive fart, and said, "oh that's better."
"Better get rid of his skin." Rabe said as he handed 'Asquith' the discarded skin of Blakeman. "Shame I quite enjoyed being Greg. He had a wife, a mistress, and a young farmer." The false Asquith chuckled as he threw the discarded skin suit into the pantry we used to store our shoes. "God I was busy." The false Asquith said as he and Rabe made their way out of the backdoor. "Back to work. I have an army to command." The false Asquith said as he and Rabe disappeared from our sight.
"What just happened?" I asked Shadow confused. "That thing you saw was a member of the Slitheen Family a family of criminals from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius. They use the skin of people they've killed to disguise themselves, and now in Asquith's body that Slitheen has control of the entire army. With Rabe as prime minister and that Slitheen general of the army, we are in deep shit without a paddle." Shadow explained.
We then got into a car which had parked a few blocks down the road from my house, and we made our way towards Shadow's house to discuss a plan of action.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
