The History of Mario

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File:260px-200px-Shigeru Miyamoto cropped.jpg
"Taking drugs give you creative ideas." - Shigeru Miyamoto

NOTE: This article was inspired by the funny article about Mario on the UnMario Wiki.

1978: Dreams Don't Come True

At teh young age of 16, Shigeru Miyamoto had dis crazy idea of killing people in vidya games. However, the stupid americans (white people) didn't like dis idea. So Miyamoto created a more friendly approach. A fat itallian carpenter that carried a gun to KILL!!!!! Miyamoto came up with the name "Mario" because he met a drug dealer named "Mario" in the streets of New York. Miyamoto then showed his idea to Sony. Sony said "We like your image you drew for the character. But since its not a FPS,

File:Mario with da gun.jpg
Miyamoto's drawling of teh character.

we will not use this idea."

Miyamoto then went to Nintendo, a company that used to sell moonshine and other dangerous drugs that can kill YOU!!! Nintendo liked Miyamoto's idea and made a game about it. Miyamoto wanted teh game to run 99 frames per second. But due to the limitations of the NES it couldn't be done. Miyamoto also wanted the game to be a FPS because they where so popular on PCs. Once again, the NES could not handle the engine of a FPS. Instead they had to make the game a 2D platformer. He wanted the game to be really hard and not fun to play, cuz he wanted the game to be a FPS. Miyamoto wanted to people to complain to Nintendo

File:Call of butt.jpg
Miyamoto wanted the game to look like dis.

that it wasn't a FPS. The game was called "Arch Hound" Anyways, The game was released worldwide June 23rd 1978.

The game wasn't a big success, only selling 10,000 copies in Japan alone. It sold 650 copies everywhere else.

1979: A Tough Year For Miyamoto

After the terrible success of Arch Hound, Miyamoto then started to work on a FPS on the PC.

File:Miymotos gheym.jpg
Instead, the game looked like dis.

This game would be about Mario fighting of a army of terrorist in teh north west. However, Miyamoto had to go serve in the military himself. Tak-ashi-Tez-uka (Takashi Tezuka) took over teh project. He redesign Mario to look less violent

File:Mario farmer hardcore.jpg
Takashi Tezuka's redesign of the character.

and more hyper realistic. (Look at da picture below.) The game was called "Arch Hound: Operation Rainfall" and was released only in Iceland on December 11th 1979.

The game sold a little better than its predecessor but not that much. It only sold 25,000 copies during its life span.

1980: Things Get Worse

After Mr. Miyamoto return from teh army, he quickly rushed out another Mario game. This time it would be a live action video game-thing called "Arch Hound: Heroes On The Move." It would be released on the awful Sega CD in the fall of 1980. Miyamoto hired Tom Hanks to be teh actor of Mario and hired Arnold Swartsanager as Luigi. Miyamoto would start recording in Hawai in the spring. The game only had a budget of 120,000$ wich means no CGI!!!!!! Since Miyamoto was now an adult, he decided to drink lots of beer while working on teh game. He had serious hangovers and was rushed to the hospital. Since Mr. Miyamoto was at the hospital...Yuji Naka took over the project.

Since da gayme was rushed, it was released a little earlier. It was released August 18th, 1980. It sold about 8,000 copies which is TERRIBLE!!!!! Miyamoto then retired from making video games and made his own drug store in Japan.

The Future....SUCKS!!!

The series was handed over to Takashi Tezuka. He made games like:

  • Arch Hound: Die Rise (1981) 25,000 copies
  • Arch Hound: 3D (1983) 10,000 copies
  • Arch Hound: Archen City (1986) 15,000 copies
  • Arch Hound: Black Flag (1987) 15,000 copies
  • Arch Hound: Modern Warfare (1991) 28,000,000,00 copies
  • Arch Hound: Black Lops (1993) 32,000,000,00 copies
  • Arch Hound: The Regginator (1994) 10,000 copies

1994 was the end of Mario and the Arch Hound series.

Miyamoto killed 15 people his whole life! OH MY GOSH!!!!!


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