The Holder of Shit
This is a joke story, please don't actually do this
In any town, in any city in America, there is a toilet. Find your nearest restaurant and enter the bathroom. Knock on the stall door three times. A pair of human legs with their pants down will fold backwards, and the door will click open. Enter and close the door.
Write the words "Suck my dick" in black sharpie. Draw a picture of a dick, including the head of a penis, shaft and balls. Tap on the stall door and the mineral fiber ceiling tile will fall in. There will be a rope. Pull on the rope. Asbestos-laced Confetti will rain down, hold your breath. There will also be a hackey sack and a promotional item, the texas cheese twist. Scream "Aye Carumba" at the top of your lungs.
The manager will enter, confused. He will demand to know why your ballsack is out. The police will be called, but this is an illusion. When the man wearing the costume arrives, offer him the cheese twist. Place it on the rim of the seat with the lid of the sit in an upright position. When he attempts to eat the cheese twist, slam the toilet seat on his head. He will scream and drop his walkie talkie. Pick up the walkie talkie and tell the man on the other line you need back up, and to bring laxatives, you'll explain later. The manager will likely be crying, but do not listen to him, for he is an illusion. Another police officer will enter and cuff you to the stall door. Offer him a texas cheesetwist. Place this one inside the bowl of the toilet. This officer will get sick and pass out due to the smell. Confiscate the laxatives. Place the laxatives in the unconscious police officer's mouth. He will shit his pants. Pull his pants down and retrieve a golden key. Find the lock behind the toilet. Tap on the tile behind the toilet three times and a mouse in a top hat and tuxedo will walk out.
Give the mouse the key, and a homeless man will come out from behind the tile door. He'll insist 9/11 was an inside job, ignore him. Pull on his beard and his glass eye will pop out. Pick it up and put it in the toilet. Flush the toilet. The toilet will over flow. Place your hand in the toilet. Shit will come out of the toilet. You will be covered in shit. Congratulations, you are now the holder of shit.
The crying manager will demand to know where all these strange bathroom contraptions came from. Tell him you purchased them at Ikea. Throw the shit at him. He will continue to cry and remove the tiny lapel pin. He quit. Pick up the pin and put it on.
Congratulations, you are now the manager.
Enter the serving station and prepare the refried beans. Your hands will still be covered in shit, but it's indistinguishable from the normal menu items. Prepare The tacos to become the holder of tacos, and serve the tacos to the customer.
Congratulations, the health department has been called. The health inspector will demand to know why two police officers and a restaurant manager are unconscious with their faces down in raw sewage. Tell them it's fiesta month, and you're planning a new promotional item: beating up the health inspector. Beat up the health inspector. Tell him to "inspect your fist" as you pummel him with a barrage of fists the likes of which no local mom 'n pop bacteria-laden greasetrap could ever prepare him for. Congratulations, you're an asshole.
Take off the health inspector's clothes and put them on. Forge his checklist and leave the naked body in the kitchen, covering his genitals with tomatoes and refried beans. Refer to the manager handbook for more information. Congratulations, you're now the regional director of sales for the corporation. Do not turn your eyes in disgust; you must honor your new position and watch fat Americans shove tortilla laden horse lard down their throats, even as the pants fall away into the ground as their belts disintegrate. That belt is object 2 of 576, reduce your caloric intake and maybe you won't be such a fat fuck.
Credited to Schizima
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