The Jimmy Nutrin Ritual

Do you love science? Do you wish to solve the mysteries that have puzzled science for centuries? Do you want to create shrink rays, time machines, Robotic door-to-door salesmen and more? There is a way... To summon the spirit Jimmy Nutrin himself.

You will need

A residence in the sub-urbs (does not have to be yours). A method of precisely telling the time. A candle. A television. A land-line telephone. A source of pizza that will keep you supplied for a few days, such as a restaurant or a stockpile of frozen pizzas. A functioning shotgun with twelve-gauge or ten-gauge ammunition (pump action combat shotguns have yielded the best results). A life-size cardboard cutout of Judy Nutrin. A generous amount of garlic powder.

Preparations

This ritual may be completed alone or with a few friends. Prior to preforming the ritual, you must consume only pizza and water for at least thirty-six (36) hours. Your body must be clear of all other delicious dinner meals in order for the ritual to work. Note that it does not matter what you top the pizza with, so long as you do not eat anything that is a separate entity from the pizza except for drinking water. Have the cutout set up somewhere indoors where you can shoot it without damaging anything important, such as your shrine to the Ogrelord. On the night of the ritual, turn off all lights and electronics in the house, but be ready to use the television and answer the front door. Light the candle. All of this must be done prior to 4:20 AM.

The ritual

At precisely 4:20 AM, shoot the cutout and say: "Jimmy, your mom is dead." Without dialing any number, pick up the phone and ask: "Hello can I get a large pizza pie for the Nutrin household?" It may seem as though nobody was on the other line, but trust me – someone heard you. Proceed to blow out the candle and turn on the T.V. Sit down and watch the T.V. until you hear a knock at the door. Open the door. A pizza will slowly pass through the doorway and the words "Heers ya'arr pisseh" will be heard. Be prepared to dodge. The pizza is aggressive. The pie will then launch itself into the room and attempt to decapitate whomever it can, bouncing of the walls until it loses momentum and falls to the floor. You have the option to surround yourself with a ring of garlic powder, which will do absolutely nothing for you. It is strongly recommended that you or any companions yell "Oh shit!" right before moving to dodge the pizza, because should you fail, this will reverse any damage caused once the ritual is completed. This pizza will be your method of summoning the spirit. Without moving it, place your hands on the crust and utter the phrase: "Bond with me, Jimmy." The spirit of Jimmy Nutrin will rise from the cheese and watch T.V. with you. From here, you can ask the boy genius any science-related question and he will give you the correct answer. To close the ritual, say "Just another day in the life of Jimmy Nutrin" and Jimmy will promptly return to the Retrorealm. Enjoy your newfound knowledge. If you plan on building a shrink ray, you'd better use it on your own fat ass after eating all that pizza AYYYYYYYYYYY

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