The Legend of the Brown Note

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Have you ever heard of the Brown Note? It’s a sound, so low, and so intense, that it causes anyone who hears it to defecate uncontrollably. This note was allegedly discovered hundreds of years ago by a bard who played so poorly that everyone in the audience began to poop their pants. However, I know its true origins.

In 1963, Russian scientists had begun experimenting with using sound as a weapon. They kidnapped several citizens, and placed them in a room with speakers that would play different sounds. Their hope was to find one that would immediately kill the listener, and to then find a way to harness it into a projectile. While many of the sounds annoyed the test subjects, one sound caused them great distress... Gastric distress. They began slamming on the windows, begging to be let out. The scientists, intrigued by their discovery, kept them trapped. They turned the sound up higher, to see how prolonged exposure would affect a human.

Within a few hours, the subjects had run out of fecal matter. They had also begun to run out of stomach acid, which had begun trickling out in the absence of guano. They cried uncontrollably from the trauma of the note, the burning of their buns, and being trapped in their own waste. Two more hours passed, and though they seemed tired, they could not sleep. The scientists believed it to be a result of exposure to the note. They changed shifts, and continued to observe the subjects. This continued for several days, with the subjects growing emaciated over the course of the experiment.

On the seventh day, a chemical spill caused the facility to be evacuated. Everyone escaped... except for the test subjects. The cleanup took a whole day, and in this time, nothing had been recorded. When the scientists returned, they found a sight more horrific than they could have anticipated. The sound had been left to play, and the floor was covered in yet more dookie. However, where there were 6 people, there was now only one. He looked at them, his face mangled, body covered in wounds and butt paste.

A smile crept onto his face. He laughed, and exclaimed “Я какашка, и я стал более могущественным, чем вы могли когда-либо мечтать стать!” Put through modern translation software, this comes out to mean “I am a turd and I am more powerful than you could ever dream of becoming!” The man then leapt at the window, but as it was bulletproof glass, he smashed into it and died. During the autopsy, they discovered not only chunks of his fellow subjects, but that he had no organs. All of his insides had been replaced by caca.

Many of the scientists later committed suicide, and the findings were burned. Or, so they thought. A janitor took the findings, and burned false documents. 50 years later, he sold them on an evil website known as Ebay, which is how I came into possession of this story, and now... You know the truth behind the infamous brown note.

Written by Stevaniel
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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