The Long As Shit Story

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So one day I was drinking hot chocolate and playing videogames. I had just popped in Super Mario 64 in my N64, when I noticed that everything was going all blurry. "Shit", I thought to myself as I passed out. "My mom must have planted some weird drugs in my drink to try to kill me again!" As aforementioned, I then passed out.

When I came too, it looked like I was actually outside of Peach's castle in Super Mario 64. "Such graphics. Much realistic. Wow", I muttered in amazement. All of a sudden, Captain Falcon jumped out and shouted, "Show me the moves, bitch!" He prepared to do the dreaded FAAAALLLCOON PUUUUNNNCHHHHH! But I kicked him in the shin, and then he exploded. A giant dildo flew out of the explosion and smacked me in the face. Then Mario, Luigi, Peach and Yoshi ran out of the castle towards me. " Mama Mia, thank you for getting rid of that-a-asshole!", exclaimed Mario. I turned towards Luigi. "Wait, you're not supposed to be in this game!" I exclaimed. "Mama fucker", Luigi cussed as he dissolved into a bright glowing light.

Then Captain Falcon reanimated as a walker because this world apparently runs by The Walking Dead rules, where you reanimate upon death. However, Daryl Dixon showed up and killed the Falcon walker. Then Mario and the others ushered me into the castle. "I'm-a-so sorry to tell you-a-this", Mario explained, "but you've been-a-trapped within this-a-game!" "Oh cool", I muttered nonchalantly. "But the only way to send you-a-back, is if you enter some of the-a-pictures in the castle and collect enough of the-a-power stars."

So then I entered the first picture. Instead of it being the original first stage of the game where King Bo-bomb lives, it looked like a real life rendition of the first Super Mario Bros. 1 level. The Koopas and goombas that all resided in this stage all had hyper realistic scary faces though. I was so scared, that I farted for about a minute. A cloud of my ass gass then formed in the air and floated towards the carnivorous critters. As soon as they came into contact with the noxious gass, there bodies began to melt, almost like in the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Continuing on through this world, I made it to 1-4. As I reached the end of the castle, I saw what looked to be Bowser getting a blowjob from princess Peach. However, it was actually just Toad in disguise. When Bowser found out, he was so distraught that he jumped into the pool of lava. I raced over to Toad and he presented to me the first power star.

The next painting took me to what looked like Brinstar, from the Metroid series. I saw what appeared to be Samus' ship. As I approached it, I was attacked by what looked to be a giant pterodactyl. It was Ridley! I stared in horror at the towering monstrosity. "Hi!" Ridley said, in what sounded like the Ridley voice that Slowbeef and Diabeetus from Retsuprae do. "Hi, I'm Ridley and I'm here to fight you or something. Who exactly are anyways? This is kind of embarrassing AAAHHH!" Upon regaining my sense, I pulled a Pokeball from my belt and shouted," Go! Charizard!" And a giant orange dragon with fire at the end of tail popped out. "What the hells the matter with you kid, I'm not a Pokemon! AHHH!" Screamed Ridley. "CHARIZARD, Use flame thrower!" I shouted. "Flame thrower, fuck that! AHHH!" Screamed Ridley as a stream of flames engulfed and incinerated him. So then Samus appeared and thanked me for killing Ridley and joined me on my mission. As we were talking, a power star emerged from Ridleys steaming corpse.

The next picture took me to Namek, where Goku and Vegeta were fighting Cell and Frieza. They were defeating the villains when all of a sudden, Super Buu showed up via instant teleportation. He absorbed Cell and Frieza to become the greatest threat ever known to the universe: Chris Hanson. " I, a saiyan elite, will not be defeated by a mere mortal!" Shouted Vegeta. He flew up to Hanson and attempted to punch him in the concussion, but Chris Hanson nimbly dodged his attacked and kicked him back down to the planets surface. " Why don't you have a seat right there Vegeta." Goku tried to use his kamehameha, but Chris Hanson's intense stare knocked him unconscious. I flew up to him and tried farting in his face, but it wasn't very effective. Suddenly, Samus had a plan. She began firing her super missiles at him and just when he was about to dodge them, I kicked him in the back of the head. This distracted him long enough for the missiles to hit him. He was blown to smithereens. I descended back to the ground, and hugged Samus. "Excuse me", said Goku. "But since you helped as save the universe, we are allowing you to have one wish on the Namekian Dragon Balls." "Damint Kakarot, I need to use one of those wishes to become immortal so I can finally annihilate you!", shouted Vegeta. "Don't worry Vegeta, I only need one to wish for all the power stars so I can return to my own world."

"I don't think so! This has gone on long enough!", came a booming voice. A pair of scaly reptilian hands with claws on them grabbed and pulled me into what looked like a floating vortex. When I came out of the other side of the vortex, I was back into Peach's castle. Only this time, there was an army of Koopas, goombas, lakitus, hammer brothers and chain chomps. At the top of the stairs stood Bowser and his 8 children. Princess Peach was unconscious in bowsers hands, while Mario was laying unconscious in a corner. "Give me the power stars!" Growled Bowser. "Never!" I shouted. "You are completely out matched, and you stand no chance of winning. Hand them over peacefully and maybe I shall spare you and keep you as a pet you curr." "I will not". "Fine then. Morton, Wendy, Ludwig. Go down there and collect the stars from him. Three of Bowser's children leaped down in front of me. Morton was big burly and wore black shades. "I'm going to break every bone in your body, you wimp!" Wendy was wearing a pink and white bracelets and a red lipstick. "My kiss will stun you so you don't feel a thing darling." Ludwig had an eye patch and spoke with a German accent. "Heil Bowser!" He shouted as he pulled one of the magic wands from Super Mario Bros. 3 out from his shell. He fired the rings from the wand at me. I narrowly managed to avoid them. However Morton was anticipating where I would be and punched me hard in the face, sending me crashing into the wall. As I struggled to get up, Wendy blew kisses at me, which sent out rings of energy at me. I narrowly dodged those too. Ludwig fired at me again, but this time is I shot a ball of energy and at him too. We both managed to dodge the attacks. Morton lunged at me, but I kicked him in the face. He shrugged it off and grabbed my leg, spun me around again and again and threw me into the corner again. I lay against the wall, feeling broken. "Well wimp, it looks like the game is over." He bent down to take the power stars from my pocket. As he did so I fired a beam of energy through his chest. Morton slumped to the ground, a look of surprise on his corpses face. Breathing heavily, I got back to my feet. Ludwig launched himself at me, and pinned both my arms behind me. "Now sister stun him while we still have time!" Wendy blew her kiss rings at me again. With no way to escape, the rings hit me head on. "Oh how cute, you couldn't resist my charm, could you?" She giggled. She approached me and placed a hand on my cheek. "Now you are finished." I pulled with all my might and was free of Ludwig's grasp. I punched Wendy in the face full force. She flew through the air and crashed into one the airs. She hit the floor and lay there, unmoving. Ludwig was furious he tried firing more rings from the wand again, I reached out grabbed it. After a brief struggle, I was able to pry it from his grasp. I fired some his rings at him and he was incinerated.

"Kill him! Kill him proper!", Roared Bowser. Just then, there was a great commotion. Several fire balls, energy balls, missiles and crossbow arrows flew through the air and quite a few enemies. I turned and saw Luigi, Samus, Daryl, Charizard, Mario, Goku and Vegeta all standing behind me. "What is this? Fine kill them all!", Roared Bowser. The rest of Bowser's children and army attacked, but they were no match. Daryl, Goku and Vegeta easy defeated the rest of Bowser's children, while Mario, Luigi and Charizard finished off the goombas, Koopas, hammer bros. And lakitus. Me and Samus cornered Bowser. "Can you believe this shit?" He growled to the unconscious Peach. "Fine, I might not be able to kill you. But I can close the portal back to your home world. He dropped Peach and disappeared up in a cloud of smoke. "That's okay, I like it here anyways." So from then on, I lived in this world. It's not so bad. I got married to Samus, and get to go on many exciting adventures with the rest of the gang. Perhaps I will relate more of these stories to you in the future. Fare well for now though.

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