The Lost Episode of Wheel of Fortune
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Does anyone remember that world famous game show, The Wheel of Fortune? ... Ehr, I mean, Wheel of Fortune... sorry, English isn't my first language. Anyway, it turns out that that wheel isn't very fortunate at all. In fact, it brought me worlds and worlds of misfortune. It ruined my life. I had it all... until that moment...
Anyway, I was a janitor at a local elementary school for the behaviorally impaired. A lot of the kids who went there were the type who'd shove their gym teacher if they lost at ping pong, or would trade Digimon cards and tell their friends they were just strange new Japanese-only Pokemon, that sort of thing. ... So yeah, I loved everything that there was about my job. Anyway, after cleaning up some kiddie vomit during recess period, I noticed a VHS tape underneath the lunch table.
At first, I thought it was just a black box with some decaying earthworms inside of it from science class, but no, it was a VHS tape alright. I didn't even bother to wonder how a VHS tape got there, or why a kid in the year 2013 would be carrying a VHS tape around, but yeah. 'The Lost Episode of Wheel Fortune', it read in bold and italicized size 16 Comic Sans font on the side, both regularly and upside down, in English, Russian, and a hieroglyphic looking language of eyes and pyramids and stuff. I couldn't contain my joy. In fact, I figured it was a gift for me, given that the eyes and pyramids were reflective of my native language. I guess they figured I'd notice it because of the vomit lying next to it. I threw down my mop and left the bucket alone with the watery vomit mix still inside, not thrown away... and I ran home to enjoy one of my favorite TV shows of all-time.
It was about a 3 1/2 to 4 mile run back to my boarded up apartment, but I could use the exercise. Cafeteria food is mostly pizza and fries these days, and it put 30 or 40 pounds on me this past school year, so I'm pretty overweight. Man, doesn't anybody care about these kids these days? ... Anyway, this meant I abandoned my job and would be regarded as quitting, but I felt... possessed, almost. I had to know what was on that tape, immediately. I felt that it was probably left there by the principal or some other higher up, so it should be okay if I ran home and watched it, right?
Once I got home, I dusted off my VCR. An old Richard Simmons workout tape was in the slot, but Richard Simmons looked a little strange on it. He looked... disheveled. Regardless, I threw Richard Simmons in the wastebasket and popped in 'The Lost Episode of Wheel of Fortune'. I grabbed some pepperoni pizza hot pockets, ice water, and a hot fudge sundae from the fridge, and then I lifted my finger and pressed play on the VCR remote. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would ever watch a VHS tape.
The Wheel of Fortune theme song played as usual. Absolutely nothing was off, other than Pat Sajak enjoying a steaming hot bowl of Campbell's Soup. Oh, okay, I thought. TV personalities get hungry sometimes, too, and this was probably an advertisement for the show. It's not like he was advertising cigarettes or Depends or something, so, okay, whatever.
"Want some crackers, Charles?" Pat Sajak smiled and winked to the camera. I didn't know how Pat Sajak knew my real name, but I didn't care. I spilled the piping hot pepperoni pizza hot pocket on my manhood and there was some slight burning through my torn-up grunge era style blue jeans, but I picked up the hot pocket and ate it anyway. I was pretty hungry.
The first contestant, Rebecca, spun the wheel. She was wearing a skirt or something, and had innocent, sad looking eyes like one of those anime chicks. It landed on $666. I don't remember that being a monetary value in the show, and you'd think that would piss off some adults and really superstitious people, but you know, whatever. Maybe this was a Halloween episode, but I figured that Pat Sajak eating a bowl of soup would be a pretty shitty costume, so I didn't know what to think, really.
The next thing I heard... really scared the shit out of me.
"I would like to buy a person, Pat."
A loud buzzing was heard. It was so loud that I was surprised I could hear it, and not just dogs. I felt a slight ringing in my ears and a little anxiety, but I calmed down and continued watching the tape.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Slavery ended years ago. Please spin again."
Pat Sajak was sorry that slavery ended? Oh, man... how did the tabloids miss this one? What was even worse was that the audience was laughing, as if it was some kind of hilarious joke. This wasn't funny at all.
An incredibly sexy woman named Judy was the next to spin the wheel. She had ruby red lips, soft blue-gray eyes, and long, flowing, brown hair. Since she was incredibly sexy, I was hoping that she'd be the one to win. Sadly, the wheel's pin landed on bankrupt. I felt sorry for the financial situation she would inevitably suffer through.
"Well, you know what that means! You're morally bankrupt!", Mr. Sajak howled. That wasn't how the show was supposed to work! At this point, my anxiety disorder was really kicking into a higher gear. I could feel sweat pour down my brow and my eyes getting bigger and bigger, like Rebecca's.
There was no way I could've predicted what happened next.
Suddenly, Judy's fancy dress was gone, as if it was edited out with Sony Vegas. I figured someone pulled it with a string or a fish hook above the set, but there was no string or fish hook that I could see, unless they were doing a magic trick. You could see her breasts uncovered, as she wasn't wearing a bra, and her face was covered in cocaine powder. She didn't look surprised at all... was acting kind of like a tease, actually. I could feel an erection bulge in my pants. Fuck that other stuff, I was loving this tape.
"That means morally bankrupt!"
I stopped loving this tape.
A man who looked like Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka came out and grabbed Judy, hands right underneath her breast area, and then they both stopped and stared onward awkwardly, as if someone caught them in the act. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong about this guy who came out, but I couldn't place my finger on it.
And then, there was what happened after that, which... killed my erection. And my mood. And made me want to call the police.
Instead of the usual puzzle, solution board, whatever you want to call it, there was a giant Illuminati eye sigil, and Pat Sajak looked really, really serious. And not that he sounded like Pat Sajak at all throughout this episode, but now his voice was a lot more sinister, like you might expect a throaty demon's to be like:
"You thought that we were retarded. You tried to lock us away, put us in special schools, took down our websites, made fun of us on cable television. But we're never going away. And you can't deter us. We've got the power now. We've got the people. We know how to make you pay attention. We know how to make you pay. It starts with TV. Your favorite characters. But it ends in reality. 9/11. The JFK Assassination. The Swine Flu Outbreak. Bestiality. Think about it. Just think about it. Put it all together. And then you will see."
With that, the Illuminati eye sigil grew bigger and bigger. I would love to say that I ripped out the VHS and the VHS player and set them both on fire, but I can't. I stared deeper and deeper into the ever-growing eye. My mind's eye was hypnotized, and everything started to make sense in ways that haven't since I was a little boy.
The truth is that, when you're a kid, you look up to adults to try to grow and learn. Because they're bigger and they have more control and you have to rely on them, you end up being the one to ask them questions, and they're the ones who, you know, teach you. But what do they really know? Experience isn't what actually makes us. It's following the path of truth. As we get older, that path becomes more and more distorted, until we can't figure out which way we even came in, let alone where to head out.
What I can tell you, is what happened to my head. I'm in a white, padded cell, wearing some sort of complex shirt that ties my arms together. I'm told that if I'm good and agree that there's no tape, no school, no job, and no kiddie vomit, that I'll be given a free ride home. But where is home? I don't even remember anymore. I feel more at home than I ever have before.
Won't you be my... neighbor?
The end.
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