The Mario Helpline
Mario was huge in the 80's and 90's we were all crazy about that valiant plumber and who couldn't be. Unless you've been living under a rock you would know who the famous beloved video game character is, the mascot that brought joy to so many young hearts, the common working man who always saved the day and always got the princess that is if you are good at the game and those games were not easy. But I know something very different and after what I found out I never wanted to play another Mario game again.
I had got home from school and went to play on my NES but I was such a pro at gaming that I had beaten most of the games in library and I had almost every game that was ever made for the NES. I beat all the Mario games so many times and even hard games like Silver Surfer and Terminator". So I flipped through the pages of a local gaming magazine I saw advert for a gaming helpline which was simply called "The Mario Helpline" and I thought "this sounds like I laugh" I will give it call. This was the biggest mistake of my life.
The phone rang for what seemed like five minutes and then it was answered and I heard the voice of that plumber we all know and love "It's a-me, Mario! you are on the phone with a Mario. Thank you so much for playing my game!" and I said "Mario why are your games so easy bro? I beat all your games what are you goanna do about it" and then there was a silence that seemed to go on for fifteen seconds and then Mario said "Okey dokey, yousa are gonna to regret this. You want a hard game I give you the hardest game of them all" and I thought he meant that they were going to send my the legendary Mario rom hack made by Nintendo themselves but it turned out to be something much worse and now I cannot think of Mario as anything more than something wicked...something evil.
Nothing strange happened at first apart from the crazy preacher who was always raving outside the school looked me in the eyes and said "God is coming to rape the sinners" but I didn't think anything of that just crazy old Rory raving again. But he must have known about the evil that was coming for me and my friends, if only I had listened.
So, the following days I bragged to my bros at school about how I will be getting a wicked sick NES game that will be hardest one ever made, and they didn't believe me. When I told them about the Mario helpline, they laughed at me even harder. I only had my best friend Toby and my other friend Nate to console me. Then one day I received a phone call and I picked it up and it was Mario on the phone "It's a me a Mario and I am coming to kill you! Oh yeah!" I sighed this was clearly a prank call by the school bully Ricky Ryan and "Very funny" but Mario only threatened me further "Hoo hoo! It no joke I am a coming to kill you and your friends! Let's-a go!" and I hang up the phone.
I didn't think anything of that helpline at all that week until I went to school one morning and one of the teachers took me out of class. It was Mrs Havisham one of the strictest and meanest teachers in the whole school but this time she wasn't strict but looked sorry for me and she said "your best friend Toby has been murdered" and I could not believe it he was my best friend and now he was gone. Who could have done this? Why did this have to happen to me? I was taken to the police who questioned me but what could I say I could not think my mind was a haze I didn't know anyone who could kill Toby he was nicest person on the whole planet.
The following days were a blur I went to school seeing the same faces warn out places going nowhere. Nate tried to console me, but I didn't listen what could he know or understand? Nate was a simple guy who only wanted to get a nice house and marry and impregnate a woman so they could have children. But that wicked Plumber would snatch that dream away from him all to soon. When I got back home I received another call "Wa-hoo! You only have one life in real life Oh yeah! and Toby learnt that the hard way" and I growled at him "you sick bastard how could you kill my friend?" and he laughed "I told you that you would get that hardest game. Mama Mia! Nate won't be able to make anyone a Mamma now cause I am chopping off his spicy meatballs" my god that could only mean one thing! He is castrating Nate I had to run to save my friend right away and so I hung up and ran to his house but it was too late he could not live without his manhood and he died from blood loss.
That night I barricaded up all the windows and doors my parents were away, but that sick bastard plumber had probably killed them too. I sat in my room waiting for that evil plumber to come in and then it hit me I knew now why he wears red clothes because those are blood stained clothes from all the innocent people he has murdered. The sadistic bastard is mass murder and Nintendo has the gall to pretend he is ‘happy go lucky hero!' They are covering up the true psychopath that he is, the mass murdering bastard son of a demon.
Then there was another phone call and I answered it and there was silence for what seemed like thirty seconds and I almost thought it was one of those strange cold callers but I should be so lucky it was that monstrous plumber "Mario time! I coming to slit you throat! Wa-hoo! And then I will gut you like a pig! Here we go!". I heard those dreaded words and I slammed down the phone.
Then I had the greatest revelation yet, Mario clothes were not just red because they are blood stained but red because Mario is a communist bastard and red is the color of Communism! Those Chinese reds are using Mario to destroy good Christian kids like me and Mario is the key part of that. Mario is really Maorio and he is coming to kill me.
Then I heard his mocking voice coming up the stairs "Oh, yeah! Heee-yaaaahhhh!!" and "Hoo hoo!This way!" and "Here I go!" and then outside my door "Hoo hoo! Just what I needed!" What was just what he needed and the I remembered my Daddy's crowbar that he got for Christmas Mario must have it and he sure did. He broke through the barricade and I could not run. He took out a knife put it against my throat and said, "Mario time!" and then he slit my throat and killed me, and I died.
I then knew the truth and from that day on I cannot look at that so-called ‘happy mascot' without shuddering. I know the truth the truth Nintendo don't want anyone to know about their beloved Mario he is an evil mass murdering psychopath and communist bastard! This is the real truth about Mario!
So that's my story now you all know the truth about Mario and his evil satanic ways that lay beneath his happy lucky attitude
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Credited to X-MarioFan
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