The One In Forden (Friends Lost Episode)

I didn't want to write this ya know? The heating's packed up at the retirement home so I'm writing this in the back of a Taxi cab while they sort it out. The cab driver keeps glaring at me as I write this down, but I'm sorry dearest cab driver I have to tell this story right here and now. There's no way on God's earth that I can keep this story a secret any longer. I really did mean it at the beginning when I said I had no intention of ever writing this down. As a matter of fact, my friends and part-time lovers begged me not to write my experience down. After reading this story, you'll soon ask the same questions that I was asking; how could I possibly keep such a juicy story like this under wraps for so long? I guess I should explain some things. Names are typically very important during accounts like this so I shall give you mine. My name is Gary Horton and I am a resident at Smelly Oaks Retirement Home in Oakton City. I never had any interest in going to a retirement home, but my bastard son in law tricked me into going there for my 76th birthday. For that birthday, me and the fam went out into the town for a night at The Purple Otter but it turns out the bartender; Floyd Mouse an incredibly sinister mouse and part-time hitman for hire was actually working with my family as he drugged my pint of Guinness. After downing said pint of Guinness, I awoke several hours in a daze and found myself chained to an old red sofa in the dining room of the Smelly Oak Retirement Home. Smelly Oak Retirement Home is widely considered to be one of the worst retirement homes in the entire country, and its so bad that when General Asquith and his soldiers gave out Christmas presents to all the retirement homes in Great Britain, they made it a personal pact to never visit this place unless they were forced to do by a court of law.

Smelly Oaks Retirement Home had a terrible reputation because quite frankly it wasn't a very well run company. It was ran by incredibly scary staff who have teeth as sharp as knives and they also haul you off for experiments if you're not active enough for their liking. The home has a strict exercise program in place, and hired a well known Larry The Lobster stand in; Mikey Red to act as our fitness instructor. Smelly Oaks higher ups had hired Red in the understanding that he bared a perfect likeness to Larry The Lobster, but the resemblance I'm afraid had been greatly exaggerated. Mr Red was very mean to us as he made us perform activities that let's face it people no elderly people even ones in the prime of their life would be able to perform without great struggle. For some reason, Mr Red seemed to have it out for me the most as he often taunted me for being skinnier than a cocktail sausage he had at an Iceland Christmas banquet many moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. Oh to make matters even worse, Mr Red also works as a cook in the home's canteen and he is not a very cook even though he claims to have attended catering school. He also claimed to have trained under acclaimed British chef Marco Pierre White. Though after some digging, I discovered that Pierre doesn't even know who Red is and actually threatened to sue if he continued to claim that the two were connected. Red's cooking was so vile that one time he gave me a beef joint which gave me a bad case of the runs right before some people from The Sun came to interview me about my opinion on trainlines closing down. It's just another sign of the times is what I say Mrs Jones! Ahem! Sorry about that, now because of the awful cooking me and my chums often go out into town and spend the afternoons at the local bingo hall in Townsend Street.

Sadly, the heating at the bingo hall wasn't very good as if often gets packed up meaning that my chums and I are forced to dine at the local McDonalds across the street. My chums all believed that the heating was packed up, but what they didn't know is that I was actually a liar. In reality, I had deliberately tampered with the heating so's we could get to eat out at McDonalds. I was never really a big fan of bingo, and I much preferred the comfort of the Monopoly board game which McDonalds sometimes gave me for free. Sounds to meeeeeee! Ahem! Sorry I got a fly stuck in my throat and I can't seem to get the bugger out. Anyways, in order to keep the ruse up, I have to pretend to be a miserable sod who hates fast food whenever we go to McDonald's. In reality, I love the taste of fast food and I can't stop going there! I was so good at playing the role of a miserable sod that my best friend at the retirement home Walter Knittingworth was unable to call my bluff. I was nearly got caught because one time I forgot to tuck the spanner away into my suit pocket. Yes, every two weeks I sneak into the backroom of the bingo hall and mess around with the heating. The security guards have not pointed a finger at me due to me bribing them with some of Glady's homemade pastries to keep their mouths shut. So like I was saying, I very nearly got caught as while we ordering our food at the front desk Walter whined, "the heating's packed up at the bingo hall!" Realising that I had the spanner sticking out from my pocket, I very quickly covered it with my hand while the front desk cashier smiled at me knowingly. Say was that a wink? Now even though both Walter Knittingworth and Gladys and the rest of my chums were unable to see through my ruse, one of my other best friends Shanty. Oh Emmet sing me a sea shanty! Shanty was an old dog who formally worked on a boat owned by Governor Archimbaldo. What a dumb fecking name am I right?

Governor Archimbaldo was once one of the rulers of the seven seas until of course a certain dodo came and put a spanner in the works. He and his pet parrot Prado planned on one day taking control of the ocean, but sadly much like dreams of medical school it was not to be. Shanty worked for Archimbaldo as a navigator until he was eventually framed by Archimbaldo's lover James Beard The III. James Beard manipulated Archimbaldo into thinking that Shanty was an undercover vice detective. Furthermore, James Beard went on to say that Shanty loved licking the many golden plates which occupied Archimbaldo's kitchen. The chefs and waiters who were very fond of Shanty tried their best to defend the old sea dog and protest his innocence, but each one of them were murdered by James Beard and his crew before they got a chance to do so. Archimbaldo eventually gave Beard the clearance to kill Shanty, and the two had a massive sword fight up on a jagged rock in Blood Heights. James Beard seemed to have come out on top, but in reality Shanty had faked his death and by tying his beard to two sea turtles he was able to reach Oakton City. He got a job selling hot drinks at Smelly Oaks, and eventually became a full time resident there much like the rest of us. Also, Archimbaldo feeling guilty for having Shanty 'killed', attempted to sail away only to get his ship blown up by a dodo whose name I shall not mention for I do not care for the dodo. Honestly I truly don't. Grabbing onto an old piece of lumber, Archimbaldo was able to survive the explosion and sailed away into the misty wind with Prado by his side as really smelly music played in the background. It was so fecking smelly in fact that even talking about in this account makes me want to vomit out my insides.

Now aside from his work as a member of Archimbaldo's crew, Shanty was also known to be a Man Of The Cloth whatever that means and as such he frequently tried his best to get me to stop lying and to get me to start attending church. Shanty's neighbour's wife's solicitor's great uncle's brother's washing machine dealer worked as a priest there and would be willingly to get me a job cleaning the organs, but I wasn't particularly interested in holding down a job right now. Shanty was very disgusted with my lying ways, and on many occasions he'd put his hand upon my shoulder as he said, "oh my lord you really are a scoundrel ya know that love?" "Yeah? And what does that make you exactly? A chemist?" I joked but Shanty remained impassive as he let out a big old fart. Shanty was also very annoyed with the way I treated two local pamphlet salesman; their names were Carlos and Juan. Much like Shanty, the pair had worked for Archimbaldo all those moons ago. They helped unload cargo onto Archimbaldo's ship. Sadly, the pair were very lazy and spent most of their days drinking dirty water. The pair were incredibly stupid as they failed to realise that dirty water is incredibly dangerous to drink, but they don't give a flying hoot no Siree they don't! Not one hoot! Somehow, the pair seemed to be immune to the effects of the dirty water. One time, Carlos took a big old swig of the stuff as his face then began convulsing in a violent Tarantella as he then proclaimed, "now that's what I call some nasty water!" After getting fired from Archimbaldo's crew due to Prado being a massive racist and he believed that the pair were working for the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. The pair then moved to Oakton where they got a job selling pamphlets and glasses of dirty water for a pound a pop and the fun don't stop!

I treated Carlos and Juan with very little respect as I had something of a contempt for the salesman type characters like those two. The ones who shove leaflets in your face while you're busy trying to eat your fecking custard and spotted dick. Spotted what!? Ahem sorry about that, now I have been very upfront in regards to my hatred of the two men as I frequently yell at them to get themselves a proper job sweeping the roads like Joe or anything that doesn't involve peddling dirty water onto poor innocent folk. The pair however were so very stupid and they thought that I was only yelling at him so's I could get my dirty water for free. In a reaction to this lynching, Juan tipped my head back while Carlos poured a big ole glass of dirty water down my gullet which ended up giving me a bad stomach ache. After ingesting the horrid drink, Carlos wrapped his big hairy arm around me as he asked, "now about that stew?" I then ended up passing out a result of the bad water and as a result I was carried back to Smelly Oaks on a stretcher curtesy of Shanty and Walter. When I awoke, I found myself sitting in the lounge room of the retirement home drinking from a steamy hot cup of tea. Shanty sat on the large red lounge chair across from me smoking from a pipe as he said, "well you've got no to blame but yourself Gary." "And why is this?" I inquired as I began to sip my tea violently. Shanty coughed out some eye balls as he said with an iconic grin, "those two boys Carlos and Juan were doing no harm and you go and insult them day in and out? How do you sleep at night I wonder?" "Shanty are you having stroke? Those two feckers were trying to poison people with their dirty water! I deserve a medal!" At that moment, one of the caretakers stood in front of the television in order to tell me that I had some visitors. Those visitors of course just so happened to be none other than Carlos and Juan themselves.

Sitting down on a stool across from my chair, Juan apologized profusely for his and Carlos' actions. Basically, the pair were having a lot of bad lucky lately after they required a rather gambling debt. They had been out gambling at The Lobster Inn and their bad gambling habits were known by everyone especially a kid known as The Checker. The Checker is this really dumb kid who has the worse haircut you'd ever see, and he also wore a tuxedo all the damn time on the account of his father being part of the Cartel. The Checker has a lot of connections to a bunch of Russian mobsters, and as such he took advantage of Carlos and Juan's gambling debts and forced the pair to work for him as pamphlet salesman. In truth, Carlos and Juan both had a lot of self confidence issues and they felt very uncomfortable when it came to selling their dirty water on the streets to people. In order to say sorry for poisoning me with their smelly water, Carlos reached inside a small Tesco Extra carrier bag and revealed a small blank DVD case. He handed the DVD to me and gave me a wink as he did so. You know something? I think ole Carlos might have a crush on my washing machine dealer. Maybe I could set up a date? Now, there's something you should know and that is I can't read very well in my old age so I handed the case over to Shanty who grinned from ear to ear while reading the contents. "My oh my!" Shanty proclaimed as he then continued with, "you brought Gary a Friends DVD. How delightfully PG Tips. How apt." To this day, I am still curious as to how Carlos and Juan were able to find out about Friends being my favourite show of all time, though one could assume that they simply read the papers. Carlos once again put his big meaty arm around my shoulder as he said, "we got that DVD from our friend in the courts. We wanted to get something for you which would truly say we were sorry for getting you sick."

Having nothing better to do anyway, I decided to watch the DVD right here now. It's as good a time as any to mention that the viewing of the DVD took place on Thursday. Mikey Red always takes Thursdays off in order to attend the choir. That's not even a joke! How dare you laugh? Also if you ever get to attend the choir with Red, please don't laugh even if the man on the stage is trying to hide his erection. If you dare laugh even once, Red will tie you to the back of his truck and laugh menacingly as you are driven around town as you scream and scream some more for fish and chips. This was of course one of the many factors why Red had not married yet because pressure from his overbearing parents especially his father whose an old sea dog. I'm getting a tad bit distracted aren't I? Anyways, Shanty, Gladys, and Walter all sat next to me on the sofa while Carlos sat on the floor as he didn't believe himself to be worthy enough to earn his salt. I have to respect him for that. Juan meanwhile set the DVD player up, but he was having quite a bit of trouble with it. To this end, Juan ended up pouring a glass of dirty water onto the DVD player which of course allowed for the system to start working properly. Juan sat himself down on the floor next to Carlos as the DVD started with a brief two second clip which had Scrooge McDuck sitting on the edge of someone's bed. Scrooge glared at the camera with the most sinister glare that I had ever seen. This only served to make me feel just a tad bit uncomfortable. Looking back, this was only a sign of things to come. Carlos didn't seem to mind as he let out a big old fart and began shaking violently as Juan said, "too long at sea Carlos."

The episode then began with the opening theme song to Friends, but the theme was well I'll be honest it was not too sweet. Firstly, Ross was shown getting chased down a massive cornfield by bees. He wasn't even acting from the look of things as he looked legitimately terrified. Chandler was replaced with a massive chandelier who ended up falling on top of some New Yorkers killing them instantly, Monica was shown taking her nose off and laughing hysterically about it, Rachel and Phoebe were shown driving an ice cream truck which ended up crashing into the Big Smoke Orphanage in Manhattan, and finally Joey was shown being cooked on a massive BBQ by a bunch of cynical looking monkeys. I guess Joey joked around just one too many times. After the theme song ended, the episode started with Ross, Joey, and Chandler in their car. They were on a massive road trip out of New York City, and were heading into the rural countryside in order to meet up with the girls who had rented themselves a trailer for Spring Break. Ross turned to face Joey who was clearly struggling to keep the damn car on the road as he said, "let's face it Joey we're getting lost. We should have asked that local for directions." "Hey the guy was a big scary biker ain't no way I'm asking him for directions!" Joey added. According to Joey, the trio were heading into the rural countryside because the girls had rented themselves a trailer. Chandler didn't seem to see the point in heading to the trailer when it was much sweeter at the docks, and to be honest with you as much as it pains me to admit he is right. After driving the car for what seemed like hours, Joey eventually had to pull over as he really needed to ask a local for directions. The trio had driven themselves into this rather quaint little village miles out from New York City. After asking a local, Joey discovered the village was named Forden.

After spending not even two seconds in Forden, the guys ended up getting their car clamped by Officer Steve Grabowski. "Hey man what the hell are you doing?" Ross asked as he got from the car. Grabowski turned to face Ross and said, "hey mate can't you see the sign?" Ross turned around to where Grabowski was pointing and saw a big no parking sign which had Christmas lights attached to it. The lights were so bright that Gladys' hair ended up catching on fire. I took her hair off and learned that it was a wig. I always knew there was something not quite about her hair ya know? I placed the wig onto the hair and began beating it with my shoes in an attempt to cool the flames down. Meanwhile in the episode, Ross tried his best to make some excuse to make Grabowski remove the clamp from the car. Grabowski then mentioned that he didn't really want to clamp the car, but he had to do in order to appease his watch commander who has began harassing his grandmother out of her pound coins. "What are pound coins?" Joey asked. I know Joey's meant to be stupid, but that sounded way too dumb even for him. Offended Grabowski grabbed Joey by the collar of his shirt and lifted him high up into the sky. He then pulled out a spanner from his ear and held it up to Joey's throat as he asked in a dark cold dark voice, "Oh, ya think ya clever do ya?" "Well not really but..." Joey was cut off as he was thrown at the car by Grabowski and his immense strength. Grabowski then turned his attention to Ross and Chandler who responded by sinking to their knees and putting their arms up in the air in order to surrender. Grabowski did a really annoying tsk tsk noise as he then said, "I was going to let you three off with a warning, but now I got to take you to meet my boss. He'll talk some sense into you." The trio were taken inside of a police cruiser, and were taken to the Forden Police Station.

Meanwhile, Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica were shown sitting inside their dingy little trailer drinking cups of tea when Rachel all of the sudden got a text on her phone. It was from Joey, and it basically explained that he and the other guys had been arrested and were in Forden. "Forden?" Monica asked rhetorically as she then continued with, "oh Rachel we can't go there!" "And why not?" Phoebe inquired while pulling the slyest facial expression you'd ever see. "Didn't you two hear the story of the Fisherman Of Forden?" Monica inquired to which Rachel and Phoebe both responded by shaking their heads. According to Monica, many moons ago back when the world was new and no one had to pay for air, there was this old fish and chip place located in the very heart of Forden. The owner was an old fisherman who had no name, and he wasn't no man for he was a mouse who used to work in a travelling show. The Fisherman Of Forden was very sadistic and he would cook people into fish and chips. How would he do it? Well, you'd go up to the front desk and order your food, and then you'd put your hand onto the stove which the Fisherman had carefully decorated to look like a kitchen counter. As your hands slowly burn away, you are forced to answer a bunch of trivial questions regarding the atmos in the workplace. The Fisherman will pour salt on your hands, and laugh with you while his talking fish tells horrid jokes. The fish used to be a man until well let's just say the Baraboots got to him. Oh lord don't make tell you that story. I'm 75 years old, and even I can't get through that story without tearing up. Once you've established a good friendship with the Fisherman, that's when he goes in for the kill and pulls you over the stove and begins to cook if you know what I mean. Of course, he didn't always use human meat for his fish and actually used real fish on occasion. Though the fish could always talk, and one time a fish sang, "fishy fishy," as it was gutted by the Fisherman.

Monica then went on to explain that the Forden Police Department led by Lord Mercer raided the spot, but the Fisherman had already vanished the previous morning. The police had been tipped off about the cannibalistic formula by a lucky victim who had managed to escape due to the Fisherman being a big fan of her novels. He was quite the well read fisherman he certainly was. This was way back in the 1980's, and the fish and chip spot had since been converted into a community centre for old and smelly people like myself. But the story goes that the Fisherman's spirit still hides within the walls of Forden. "How do you know all this?" Rachel asked in a rather dumb tone of voice which seems very out of character for her somehow. Monica let out a small sigh as she then asked, "uh you stupid Rachel?" Before Rachel could complain about the fact she had just been called stupid, Monica had already continued speaking with, "because my father was one of the lucky few to go free. The Fisherman had a thing for my father so he allowed for him to go free. The Fisherman placed a Jammy Dodger in my father's mouth, and sent him on his way." Phoebe then suggested that she, Rachel, and Monica head to the Forden Community Centre in order to see if there's a ghost lurking through the walls. "But what about Ross and the others?" Rachel asked to which Monica responded by holding her hand up to Rachel's face as she then said, "no don't worry about it Rach, I'm sure they'll be fine. They're real tough cookies after all." The trio then left the trailer behind and got into Rachel's car as they began driving towards the Forden Community Centre. Oh and before we continue on with the episode, I should probably explain that the episode had no laugh track and it had overly large Russian subtitles at the bottom of the screen. I asked Carlos about the subtitles and what they meant, but I got no response as Carlos let out another big fart which caused the entire fecking room to start shaking and for Walter's glass of scotch to get all over me shoes. Goddammit new shoes ugh! Juan patted Carlos on the back as he proclaimed once again, "too long at sea Carlos!"

At the Forden Police Station, Ross, Joey, and Chandler were shown sitting in the waiting room and were eventually called into the office of Lord Mercer; the man who found a way to run the small village like a kingdom! Mr Mercer was a big brute of a man, but he was actually quite the gentle giant as he claimed to feel no ill will towards Joey and his cruel treatment of Officer Grabowski. "Okay so why are we here then?" Chandler inquired as he began playing with a small Rubix cube on Mercer's desk. Lord Mercer then told the trio that he would be perfectly willingly to let them go free right here and now, but he had a few repercussions. Rather he had a few things that he wanted the trio to do for him first. "Oh really and what would that be might I ask?" Joey asked while rubbing his chin knowingly. Lord Mercer lowered his sunglasses and flashed Joey an iconic grin as he said, "I want to hear play some music." "But we aren't singers." Ross said as two officers in the room pointed shotguns directly at his head as he then said very sheepishly, "uh never mind!" Lord Mercer chuckled before wiping his nose on his sleeve as he then said, "that's what I like to hear! Come now. We must make haste and head to the Lowfield Inn." During the car journey over to the Lowfield Inn, Ross and the others quickly discovered that Lord Mercer had mistaken Joey for another Joey Tribbiani who worked as a famous blues musician during the 1980's in a band with Puggsy, Lucas Valdez, and The Man In The Hat. Yes, Puggsy used to put on those red shoes and play the blues. Oh how times have sadly changed. Of course, Joey tried explaining to Lord Mercer that he was not the man that the lord wanted, but Mercer was a very stupid man and he ordered Joey to start singing the blues or else he'll have him hung in the town square by midnight. Oh that Lord Mercer he's such a scamp!

The Lowfield Inn was apparently known as the go to place to dine in Forden, and it was located at the very tail end of a dimly lit street where all the houses had no windows but they certainly had doors that one thing is very important to note. Actually no it isn't. Anyways, At the Lowfield Inn, Ross almost immediately made a bad impression by yelling at an old man and causing him to start choking on his bread rolls, and Chandler tripped on a banana peel and his elbow ended up landing in some fat old lady's pea and ham soup. Also, the waiters at the Inn were these very scary crickets or cockroaches I'm not too sure and they seemed to like terrorising Chandler the most as he known for his fear of insects. Chandler's fear of insects was actually going to be explored in an unproduced episode of Friends entitled, "The One With All The Bugs." Sadly the episode was scrapped, and Mike Labson whoever that is commented that the episode was scrapped for a scene which involved Monica shoving cockroaches down Chandler's throat in an attempt to cure him of his phobia. There was also a SICK scene in which Joey planned on serving Chandler and his party guests creepy crawly pudding. It was a huge blob of jelly which had fake gummy worms coming out from it. The wiggly jelly gave it the impression that the worms were moving. Disgusted, Chandler held a tissue up to his mouth as he cried, "count me out Joey!" He then proceeded to leave the apartment while really smelly music played in the background. The music was so smelly that it'll make you sick. Very sick may I add. I'm appear to be getting a tad bit distracted. I am very sorry about that. Anyways, Chandler attempted to flee the scene by using the fire exit but he was pulled away from the fire exit by Ross and Joey who wanted to put on a show for Lord Mercer and his cops. The head waiter; Francois took the trio to the dressing room located at the back of the stage. Yes, the restaurant had a stage but it had no stairs which gives you a lot of protection should the Windy Bagels come to town. Whoever the feck they are.

Suddenly, the lights on the stage turned blue and the curtains were drawn and the stage was set as Joey, Chandler, and Ross all appeared dressed in fancy suits, hats, and sunglasses. They were not very good singers at first, but soon got into the rhythm of things by singing a blues song all about the effects that drinking orange whip can have. Lord Mercer was very impressed with the song, and waved a friendly wave at Ross. Hmm if I didn't know better I'd say that ole Mercer has some feelings for Ross Geller. But that's a story for another day. Nope not gonna do it. Lord Mercer didn't seem to or in the very least failed to realise that the song was actually insulting him for his love of orange whips. Mercer didn't seem to care, and tapped his hand on the table as Ross and the others sang their hearts out. Once the song was over, Ross got ready to leave the stage only to get pulled back by the collar by Francois who said, "you ain't going anywhere! We need more songs! We need more!" And so, Ross, Chandler, and Joey were forced to sing more songs from their collections of blues songs including a horrid blues rendition of the song Out Of Touch by Hall And Oates which featured a solo involving Francois dressing up as an oat. I shit you not. While they were performing the blues, the girls had made their way to Forden and found the aforementioned community centre which was actually not that far from the Lowfield Inn. The community centre was located in a massive field and was holding a massive BBQ for elderly people and the local choir who were using the community centre to practice before they go on tour to Italy to attend an audience with an incredibly cynical opera master.

Once inside the community centre, Rachel did up some scouting around until she found a storage room which had the words 'DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME PORK RINDS... OH AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE A DIET COKE AND A FETA CHEESE' written on it in big red letters. Rachel began to turn the golden door handle as a large hairy hand was placed upon her shoulder. Rachel very nearly jumped out of her skin as she turned around and came face to face with the head of the community centre; Pat. Pat was a very fat and very patronising woman as she got right up in Rachel's face and asked, "you and your friends will stay for lunch won't you?" "Uh well we'd love to but..." Rachel was cut off as Pat started ushering her outside in order to marvel the burgers which were cooking on the inferred grill. The cook was very happy with the inferred grill and the girls were forced to eat loads of really badly cooked BBQ food including a corn on the cob which had onion paste on it. Phoebe gagged at the sight, but she had to pretend to enjoy it as Pat was watching her every move as well as the moves of both Monica and Rachel. After getting their food, Phoebe and the others made their way back inside the centre and began tucking into their meals. The food was not very good. And if you think the corn on the cob is bad, oh man just wait until you see the hamburgers. Oh good fecking God the hamburgers were they smelly! They were perhaps the smelliest hamburgers that I have ever seen. According to the cook who had a hard on for inferred grills, the hamburgers had come from inside the trash cans located just outside of Northwestern Medical School. If you get caught between the moon and Northwestern, the best that you can do is not eat the hamburgers. Under any circumstances! Rachel had an especially hard time eating the burger but had to chew it down as Pat sat down at the table next to her and began pestering her about possibly joining the choir. Oh Pat you fat salmon sandwich can't you see they're trying to eat?

The boys weren't very faring much better as they were very tired now but had to keep singing out of fear of Francois sending a hitman after them. Aside from being the Lowfield Inn's head waiter, Francois also ran a covert hitman business. He was also a fantastic cook and used his meals as payment instead of actually giving his crew proper money for any hit that they performed. After performing their 16th song, Ross finally made the request for a bathroom break and both Francois and Lord Mercer agreed happily. Heading inside the bathroom, Chandler fell onto the smelly tiled floor as he asked, "what the hell are we going to do now Ross?" "Look I don't know alright? Wait a second!" Ross proclaimed as he eyed a window. Ross then suggested that they use the window to escape the Inn, and although initially reluctant both Joey and Chandler quickly came to the realisation that they had no better options left in them. The trio each took separate times climbing out from the window, and once out on the main streets they hailed a cab which took them to the local church as Ross needed a place to regroup and he knew for a fact that Lord Mercer and his cops would never think to look for the trio inside of a church. He knew this because during the car ride over to the Lowfield Inn, Lord Mercer had explained that no cop in his village has ever stood a foot in that church. Not a foot! You'll soon find out why as the cab pulled up in the church's parking lot. Ross paid the cab driver in full, and before getting out of the cab Joey gave the driver's bald head a good old rub which made the driver smile a smile which says, "I'm gonna kill your washing machine dealer!" The church actually looked really sweet, much nicer than the church we got in Oakton City. That bloody church only opens on Christmas Eve, and the DA's been thinking of turning it into a brand new pizza chain. PIZZA CHAIN!? Are you kidding me!? Me wife and I got married in that place!

The church was in the middle of it's late afternoon service and Chandler was dismayed to learn that there were cult bugs performing a service. The cult bugs were actually Praying Mantis and they were singing about sleeping and dreaming as we have a creator God who loves your Thneeds. A fine thing that all the people need! The cult bugs took a very amorous interest in Joey and threw a cultist robe over him and forced him to stand at the altar. Joey was then asked to recite his vows. Joey had no idea what that meant so he instead opted to dance like he's never danced before. The Cult Bugs were very impressed with Joey's dancing, but soon turned savage once Chandler made an off hand remark to Joey that the Cult Bugs were bugging him like crazy. The Cult Bugs suddenly grew twice in size and chased Joey and the others outside of the church. Once outside the church, the trio stole a car GTA style and began speeding down the streets all the while getting chased down not just by the Cult Bugs but also by Lord Mercer, Francois, and the entire Forden police department who wished for the trio to sing some Ian. While getting chased, Ross poked his head out from the window and began shooting at Mercer's car with a handgun. Mercer managed to dodge the bullets with ease as his car was then rammed into by a tanker. While inside the tanker, Mercer told the dispatcher, "yeah we're in a truck. What to do?" Hmm that sounded rather dumb I honestly expected better from you Mercer. I mean it I really did! After finally losing sight of their pursuers, the car ended up running out of gas and the trio decided to explore the streets of Forden in order to think up a plan to escape.

That's when Ross received a call from Rachel. "Hey Rach what's the word hummingbird?" Ross sang to which Rachel responded with, "this is no time for jokes Ross. Listen me, Monica, and Phoebe are being held captive at the local community centre can you please hurry and save us? It's not too far from the Lowfield Inn." Ross gulped heavily as he knew the Lowfield Inn was going to be swarming with cops. The girls had been forced by Pat to perform in the choir. The choir was very strict and they had a rule where you were not allowed to laugh at the conductor who looks like he really needs a poo. Monica stifled a few laughs while Rachel and Phoebe just looked ill most likely as a result of the smelly hamburgers. Were the trio forced to join the choir? Well after Pat FINALLY decided to go and bother someone else who was eating their din dins, Rachel and the others checked the storage closet only to find that it was actually just an underground bunker where a dog faced pirate man was shown sitting on a twins sized bed. He looked at the trio with a grin as he said, "ever since I were a young lad all I wanted was to travel the sea." Rachel gagged as Pat once placer her hand upon her shoulder and said, "time to earn your wings kid." Pat basically issued Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe an ultimatum. Either they sing in the choir or they will be killed by the cook who planned on releasing an all new brand of chicken burgers. Get the hint? Now surprisingly, Forden was a very beautiful place when it was quiet and Chandler took some time out of his trek along the riverbend with Ross and Joey to take some photos. Ross was beginning to grow very impatient as he turned to face Chandler and barked, "come on Chandler the girls are counting on us to... to... to... oh buggering buggerton!" "I'm sorry what was that?" Chandler asked as he lowered the camera only to come face to face with a terrifying swan.

The swan as you'd might expect was incredibly aggressive and was also very short sighted as it believed Chandler and the others had come to do damage to it's beloved eggs. Well Ross and Chandler hadn't intended to do any harm nor had Joey, but Mr Uppity certainly did. Upon turning around for a brief moment, the swan was horrified to catch a glimpse of Mr Uppity destroying it's eggs with his feet. Why exactly was Uppity doing this? I haven't got a fecking clue! Thinking quickly, Joey pulled an umbrella out from his ear and handed it over to Mr Uppity who thanked Joey profusely for this all the while using the umbrella to smash the eggs into smithereens. Mr Uppity would have continued until he was swept up by a bird who carried him up towards the sunset in it's beak. "Whoa where are you taking me?" Mr Uppity asked. "Mr Uppity I'm taking you home to a flying hammock as a reward for saying thank you." The bird explained in a soft Irish accent as both it and Mr Uppity both disappeared into the early evening sunset. The swan meanwhile finally turned it's attention back to the boys who had stupidly failed to use Mr Uppity's egg killing distraction as an advantage. The swan chased the boys down the river until they crossed a nearby road where the swan ended up getting run over by a car. The man driving the car out from his vehicle and began making out with the swan until it eventually came back to life and bit the man's dick off. It was really something to see. Now I was fine with that, but what disturbed me was the fact that Walter licked his lips during this part as he said with a grin, "oh my word I say!" I could feel the urge to vomit growing stronger and stronger as the boys finally reached the community centre.

Joey was about to talk inside the centre only to get the door slammed in his face as the choir all came marching out. According to Pat, the choir were on their way to the airport in order to catch their plane to Italy in order to attend the aforementioned audience with the oh so cynical opera master. Ross tried asking to have a word with Monica and the others, but Pat responded to this by hitting Ross repeatedly with her handbag. Thinking quickly, Chandler distracted Pat about asking some general questions about the visit to Italy and how long she had been in charge of the community centre. Meanwhile, Joey busied himself by lacing Pat's flask of boiling hot tea with wild green berries. Joey's agent Eddie Seal at Widdecombe and Pump had warned Joey from using wild green berries as they were known for being nature's laxative but Joey don't give no fecks. Feeling thirsty after explaining her life story to Chandler, Pat opted to take a big old sip from her flask of tea and ended up needing to go to the bathroom real bad. She ran down the streets farting violently all the while Chandler snickered a snicker whilst hiding his face behind a box of Walnut Whip. Meanwhile, Joey remained impassive as Ross put his arms around everyone and proclaimed, "guys let's go home!" "Not so fast!" Lord Mercer yelled at the very top of his lungs as he and a huge group of cops, Cult Bugs, and swans armed with baseball bats appeared on the scene. Thinking quickly, Ross commented that Mercer's shoes were untied. They actually were. Lord Mercer had never been thought how to tie his shoes, and asked, "does anyone here know how to tie shoes?" For the next several minutes, everyone even the swans took turns trying to help Mercer tie his shoes. Taking advantage of Mercer's lack of shoe tying skills, the Friends made their way through the streets of Forden after stealing a limousine which was driving the sickest dog you ever did see. He looked very ill as his skin was green and he was most likely going to the morgue. Cause he's gonna ride this one out in style!

After a long boring drive, the Friends eventually found themselves at the train station as they were planning to jump onto the train as it drove past. "What a day!" Ross said as he rested his head onto the steering wheel. "I know right. I mean seriously Forden more like For Done am I right?" Phoebe joked. Chandler then turned to face Joey only to find that there was no one there in his seat. "Oh buggering buggerton! Guys we left Joey behind!" Chandler cried at the very top of his lungs. Indeed, the group were so focused on escaping from Mercer and stealing the limo from the SICK dog, that they had completely failed to notice that they had left Joey behind to fend for himself. Joey didn't seem to mind however as he had hopped onto top of a police cruiser wearing his suit and sunglasses from earlier and had began entertaining Mercer and his cops with some classic blues music. At one point in the song, Joey even started twerking much to the disgust of the swans who covered their faces with their fathers but Lord Mercer didn't seem to mind as he once again lowered his sunglasses and gave Joey a wink. Say was that a wink? Actually yes it was! Although Joey's little song and dance routine appeared to be all in good run, the man was actually singing about his hatred for the current sociological mandates including this brand new pizza chain. PIZZA CHAIN!? Sorry that one still annoys me. Meanwhile, the Friends were shown sitting inside their car debating on what to do next. "Well I say we go back and get him." Monica suggested as all of the sudden the Fisherman appeared in the backseat where Joey should have been sitting as he sang, "oh I do love to be beside the seaside. Oh I do to love to be beside the sea!" The Friends all screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed some more as the episode came to an end with the normal credits. Though the credits were not normal and a horrid saxophone rendition of the main theme song could be heard playing during them. It was so bad that I got ready to eject the DVD when a small cannon ball rolled up beside the player. "What is this?" I asked as the DVD player, the TV, and ashtray all blew up into a million tiny bite size pieces.

Another massive explosion then occurred as the walls of the living room were blown clean off as James Beard and his crew made their way onto the scene. James Beard walked right up to me as he said, "hand the DVD over Gary." "You destroyed the DVD when you blew the fecking thing up with your bomb ya stupid pug nosed prick!" I then asked James how he was able to know my name, and that's when he revealed the crushing truth that Gladys was actually working for him as a spy. She had told him all about the Friends DVD and James Beard had planned on selling the DVD to Egypt in an attempt to con the Emperor. Does Egypt even have an emperor? I wouldn't know why are you asking me for love? Wanting to buy me and the others some time, Shanty pulled out a large sword and started duking it out with James while me and the others made our way into the restroom. Whilst in the restroom, I took a peak through the keyhole like some kind of Mr Bean and saw James stabbing Shanty right in the chest killing him or so I thought. Shanty collapsed onto the floor like a rag doll and he gave me a wink as he did so. In a deleted scene, Shanty had mentioned to me that he was wearing a sword proof fibre glass woollen undershirt explaining how James had not been able to kill him. Acting under the false assumption that Shanty was dead, James Beard turned his attention to the restroom as he said, "blow the door down!" Gladys then tried pleading with James to let us go as he had told her that no harm would come to us. "Here's a new flash for ya; I lied!" James Beard laughed as he picked Gladys up with his immense strength. He then proceeded to snap Gladys in half like a Twix chocolate bar killing her instantly.

With his informant disposed of, James and his crew blew down the door with the cannon ball as me and my cohorts climbed out the window. Carlos very nearly got caught as his fat ass got stuck in the window, but Juan managed to save him by rubbing some butter across the window frame. Whilst buttering the window, Juan remarked; "I always knew this butter would come in handy Carlos!" After freeing Carlos, we all began running down the streets but Carlos was very slow. Not for very long however, as Juan gave Carlos a big ole glass of dirty water which caused him to start wheezing and coughing as he proclaimed. "let's a go!" You ain't no Mario Juan! You're more of a sea hawk in my humble bumble opinion. Heh heh bumble it's like bumblebee. I oughta write that one down in me little ole black book of yarns. Anyways, after Carlos regained his composure, we found ourselves corned in the town square by James Claude and his crew. Just across the square look at Quasi there! James had used his pirate ship to chase us down the streets of Oakton City, and had made a huge fecking mess in the process. James pulled his sword out from his beard and held it up against Walter's throat as he said evilly, "You got no chance you're all dead men! I killed your friend hell I enjoyed killing her." "You killed Gladys you bastard!" Juan yelled angrily as he pulled a large smelly hamburger out from the Tesco carrier bag which he and Carlos had brought the Friends DVD in. "Chow on this!" Juan yelled again as he threw the hamburger in the direction of James Beard's mouth. James Beard chewed on the smelly burger and gagged with every bite. He then smiled an iconic smile and held his finger up into the air as if he was going to say something only to then fall onto the floor. He was dead. With James dead, I swiped the sweat from my brow as me and my friends all had a massive group hug.

With James Beard and Gladys dead, I decided that now was a good time as any to confess to Walter that I had lied to him about the heating not working at the bingo hall and that I had been tampering with the heating. Walter placed his hand upon my shoulder as he said, "oh Gary you know you can just be honest with me." "Speaking of McDonald's whose in the mood for some milkshake and fries?" Carlos asked as he once again placed his large hairy arm around my shoulder but this time I didn't care. For Carlos was my friend and I didn't care who knew it goddammit! That's when Shanty pulled up on the scene on his brand new moped which he totally hadn't stolen. Wink. Anyways, Shanty was delighted to learn that I had told the truth for once and agreed to come with us to McDonald's for lovely milkshake and fries. You know something? The truth never tasted so good. Me and my friends danced through the streets singing to our hearts content as we made our way over to McDonalds to get ourselves five McChicken Mayos.

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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