The Real Reason Why Sonic Doesn’t Eat Chilli Dogs Any More
Do you sometimes watch your favourite cartoons in different languages? After hearing my story, you won't want to. Trust me.
...what do you mean people don't do that? Fuck you, I'm telling it anyway.
One day I walked into my local charity shop to do my usual routine of fucking up the DVD rack trying to find anything of value. After throwing 5836 used copies of Frozen off the racks, one box finally caught my eye: A sleeveless case with "AVENTURAS DE SONIC LA ERIZO" written on it. After my eye stopped bleeding from it getting caught on the box, I looked at it and realised this had to be an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog I'd never seen! Instead of checking the internet to see if my random assumption was correct like a normal person, I ran straight home with the DVD.
I got home quickly, narrowly avoiding the massive police manhunt that was now ongoing because I stole a 50p DVD. When I went to open the case however, it was empty! But glancing at my DVD player, I saw that somehow the DVD was already in the player! I assumed this was just a glitch and closed the tray on the player.
Strangely there was no DVD menu or title sequence, but because I'm an impatient little shit I didn't mind. There would be nothing to delay this brand new episode. The episode title, "SANGRE HIPERREALISTA", faded in along with a standard Morbius landscape. I spelled the planet's name correctly right? Just checking.
Exactly 3426083 microseconds later, the familiar sight of horribly mutated roadkill using two tails coming out of it's asshole to piss on all known laws of physics appeared on-screen. It was none other than Miles "Did you know his name is a pun on miles-per-hour Tails" Prower! This was soon followed by the living smear frame, Sonic "Fast Man" Hedgehog! Upon seeing these two I immediately gave a standing ovation. But it wasn't what I saw that was going to horrify me forever... it was what I heard.
"Heya Sonic! Wanna get some Chilli Dogs?" Tails said in his all-too familiar voice that convinced idiots he was a girl. But that sense of familiarity came crashing down when Sonic opened his mouth, terrifying me to my very core with his words:
"Sí, ¡me vendría bien un poco de carne ahora mismo!"
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Why in gods name was Sonic, the famous American character, speaking Spanish?! This goes completely against his established personality! He would never say such a horrible thing!
What's worse is that Tails seemed oblivious to the horrible abuse being flung at him, just saying "Let's go!" and zooming off! My entire 3-piece suit I was wearing for this momentous event was now stained brown from the shock of what just happened. I could have just turned off the DVD, but I have to be stupid as humanly possible for this story to- I mean uhhh, curiosity got the best of me.
Once I regained my composure, I saw that the scene had changed to Tails and this demon masquerading as Sonic standing by a hot dog stand. But I knew the evil had infected this scene too. Bizarre yellow and red flags with shields on them littered the background. For some reason the hot dog cart was filled with paella. There was a distinct smell of smoked cooked meats in the air. If you're wondering how I could smell something from a DVD, shut up.
I froze up when I realised Sonic had opened his mouth to speak again.
"¡Danos un perro, por favor!"
Hearing this eldritch black speech made my heart feel like it had been impaled by a spike. Impaled by a spike twice because of the spike iframe bug in Sonic 1. Look I need to keep this about Sonic SOMEHOW.
A pulsating arm of bleeding flesh came from off-screen to hand Sonic the hot dog. Finally, something resembling the normality of the show. But as Sonic went to take a bite, I realised something horrifying was happening. The sausage inside the bun was not an all-American shit stick of random meat...
It was a chorizo sausage.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I ran up to my TV, grabbed it by the sides and screamed at the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE FUCK!!! THIS ISN'T SONIC!!!". But my rage quickly turned into stunned silence when I realised... Sonic had stopped trying to eat his chorizo abomination. He was staring at me instead. He then turned directly to face the camera. I knew what was coming, and my heart sank.
"¡ESO FUE BASTANTE GROSERO E INNECESARIO!"
The volume of those horrible words almost deafened me. The shock alone made me fall to the ground, breaking several bones in my body, as if the pain of my ears bleeding wasn't enough punishment from Sonic. And then my TV promptly exploded.
Before I could process what happened, I noticed a strange throbbing sensation between my legs. Which was odd, as Sally Acorn wasn't in this cartoon. As it got harder and harder, I went to take a look to see what it was, but no words can properly describe the terror I felt, when I saw...
...my penis had turned into a chorizo sausage.
The moment I saw this, the rest of my body followed suit in transforming into various cooked meats. I couldn't even do as much as scream before my arms and legs turned into chorizo slices. As I lost the feeling in all my limbs and my consciousness started to fade, my whole life flashed before my eyes...
Like the time I stole a 50p DVD. The time a DVD magically appeared in my DVD player. The time I saw Sonic speak Spanish. The time I shat my entire 3-piece suit. The time my whole body turned into chorizo.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in Spain.
Written by Yoshiatom
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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