The Red Eye Ritual
Author's note: This is obvious a joke story lol don't actually do this
This is extremely spooky ritual that I believe Jesus was using when he rised from da dead to fuck with people. I don't want to spoil the ritual, so I tell you how I did it first, for reasons you'll see propably later so shut the fuck up and listen, you rude prick.
There are seven items you need to have for this, they are pretty easy to get.
First item is blood from the ancient gods. You can get that from the supermarket or travelling to other dimensions to fight gods, but thats completely up to you.
Second item is pretty much the hardest to get, cheese plate. I'm not sure where you can get that, I had to get my private investigator to get it.
Third item is something everyone has, The holy Bible of Snoop Doggs. If you dont have it, why the fuck you even wake up in the morning.
Fourth item is somewhat wierd, it's this white crystals that you put in your juice to get that sweet taste. It's called sooger or something.
Fifth item is Big Mac, and you soon see why.
Sixth item is da master kush or whatever illegal weed substance you want, it can be heroine or cocaine too but it's possible that it doesnt work then so dont u fucking dare to use dat. If you're from somewhere where weed is legal, you need to travel somewhere it's not legal, like Finnish police stations or Pewdiepies house in the middle of the night.
There is no seventh item, I forgot, sorry, dont blame me, i'm high as a fucking rocket going to mars to plant those sweet potatoes. Why won't they plant like this cheesecake factory in mars, so you could look where it was made and only thing you see is that it was "not from our world". Shit man back to the ritual.
There are seven to five thousend steps, I'm not quite sure because I just stepped on a fucking lego and I'm pissed.
First, smoke that dank kush. When that is done, proceed to step two, that is summoning the Baphomet with your Necronomicon. Oh yeah you need necronomicon too, find it on the libary or something, that was the seventh item shit man i'm sorry it was honest mistake fuck you.
Once the baphomet is chilling with you, ask him to drink the blood of the ancient god. If you were succesful with the ritual, you'd laugh your ass off because he would be throwing up because the blood taste like shit :DDDDD but back to the ritual. Baphomet will send you to the hell to chill with satan, but be aware, Satan is not a nice guy. I played Mario Kart with him, and he cheated. Like who does that? He's literally the worst. But keep your calm, you dant want to make him apset, or he might not speak to you for 30 mins and you'd get bored. Ask satan to give you some of that sweet Purple Haze, that is so good you'll be send back to earth. Now you can start the ritual. Smoke the spliff, and you'll notice that you have your cellphone in your hand. Now wait for 10 seconds and turn arounf 500 times. people will think you are losing your fucking mind and they'll call the fucking ambulance to pick you the fuck up. This is good, if you can't handle the weed and you get into a psychosis. Now, call snoop and ask him to hang and play some CTR. If everything is done correctly, you should see Snoop on your front door. Let him inside, but be aware that he might also be a cop and you would be fucked man. Ask Snoop for a hit from da bong, and if he gives you da hit, your eyes should be red. Now, to maintain your sanity, ask for some juice. He would say, "dude i got this Koolaid with me, but it doesnt taste sweet man, it needs the socrerer or something." That's why you need the sugar. Pour sugar to the juice and then drink it. Then you notice the empty feeling in your stomache. Eat the BiG Mac. Now you have done the ritual. To end the ritual, say you're gonna watch some SOG and that Mutahar is kinda fun guy, and Snoop would just say "fuck this life is too short" and run the fuck away. Proceed to watch Mutahar speaking about games and skellingtons and shit. You might think now that Mutahar is from the US, but dont be fooled. He is actually indian guy who lives in CANADA and is a shop keeper and shit I dont know what he does, youtube videos and shit i guess. I'm pretty sure he filmed some porn too but i dont have a fucking clue.
You should be aware that there are some risks in this. If Satan is a douche, he might not give you da kush and you'll be like "daymn what the fuck satan I thought you were cool and you have to hang out with satan until your mom picks you up. If you are trying to call snoop but Mutahar answers, you accidentally called Customers services and spooky skellies will be at your door in five minutes. If you failed this in any way, next time you search for "unspoopy skellies" you will find few pretty spooky skeletons. I warned you. My eyes are red now.... and I love it!
Written by PimpHustla420
Content is available under CC BY-SA
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
