The Rise of Colonel Dodo

So I'm sure that we're all aware of Colonel Dodo and his horrible hearing, but do you know the story of how he came to be? The story of how one young Dodo came to be one of the most powerful and respected people in all of funnypasta history? The story of how Dodo came to control the seven seas and met his faithful accountant Captain Hook? No you don't or maybe you do to be honest I don't even know who you are. Get ready because is quite a long and heart warming story worthy enough to sail a hero's trophy.

Let me start by saying, that Colonel Dodo was born in the slums of London during the summer of 22. Back when there were still horse and carts and Mr Minstrel was married to Mrs Counter. Growing up, Colonel Dodo was pretty hard up, and wasn't particularly popular at school. To be honest, Dodo never really payed attention in school for he was busy on planning fulling his life long dream of being a world famous pirate. As a wee little dodo, Colonel Dodo grew up watching pirate films due to his father owning a theatre in Central London. Dodo spent most of his time trying his best to build his own pirate ship, but it rarely if ever worked out for him. One time, Dodo actually succeeded in getting one of his boat inventions out on the sea, but because it was made from paper it quickly dissolved into the ocean and Dodo very nearly drowned.

In high school, Colonel Dodo became the victim of school bully Gelman Hellman. Gelman Hellman was a big chungus of a school bully who had moved around a lot due to his father being a army captain or something. He spent two years in Empire Bay where he got kicked out of school for jamming a pencil through the headteacher's eye. In school, Gelman would often beat the snot out of Dodo. However, in Dodo's favour was Gelman's lack of intelligence. "What is the square of a pineapple when it spins?" Dodo would ask while getting beaten up by Gelman and his goons. This caused Gelman to say, "well gee I uh I don't know." Gelman and his goons then realised that they could use Colonel Dodo to their advantage, and had Dodo do all of their homework. This allowed for Dodo and Gelman to put aside their previous animosity, and with Dodo's help, Gelman was able to get into Fordham University where he studied accounting. Gelman also lost his weight, and became very slim like some kind of Micah Bell.

It was also in high school, that Colonel Dodo first got involved in criminal activities. Dodo and his friends including Gelman would raid the local candy store ran by a monster hog hybrid thing. The monster hog hybrid thing was incredibly slow, and took about 500 hours just to walk from one part of the store to the next. Because of this, Dodo and his crew were able to raid all the gobstoppers they could possibly want. It was quite funny, but in a fit of rage the monster hog hybrid killed his three assistants who then became ghosts. Due to the underworld having some strict policy changes, the three ghosts were never allowed to go onto the other side, and were forced to serve the hog hybrid for all eternity. So sad.

Anyways, it was in high school that Colonel Dodo got himself his first ever job on the shipyards where he worked for an incredibly nasty pirate named Captain Turnatable. Turnatable was a horrid man who had served as Captain Flint's first mate back in 1902. Dodo was tormented by Turnatable who replaced Gelman as Dodo's nemesis. He forced Dodo to scrub all the floors in the shipyards including the floors of his mighty pirate ship named, "The Mighty Beak." However, Colonel Dodo despite hating Turnatable loved listening to his stories about serving in Captain Flint's crew. Turnatable casually gloated about his brutal nature to the crew. He told them that one time he killed an onion farmer named Sam just because he put onions in Turnatable's hotdog. He told them another story which involved him and Flint setting fire to six ships which were carrying precious stones stolen from Bongo Hills. After Flint's crew discovered Treasure Island, Turnatable tried his best to take the treasure for himself only to have Flint nearly kill him in a gun duel. This led to Turnatable establishing his own crew, and departing Flint's side.

Anyways, Colonel Dodo then decided that he wanted Turnatable's ship, and with the help of some rogue members of Turnatable's crew planned to stage a munity. One incredibly hot morning, Dodo was scrubbing the floor of Turnatable's ship as normal when the captain himself appeared behind Dodo and gave him a right good kick up the arse. Dodo turned around to confront Turnatable only for Turnatable to give his beak a right good squeak. Dodo then pulled out a large sword, and began fighting with Turnatable. Dodo despite never being in a fight before was able to defeat Turnatable stabbing him in the eye killing him instantly. With Turntable dead, Dodo took control of the ship and set sail for the Lost City of Gold. Sorry folks but this apparently can't last as Dodo ended up crashing the ship into a nearby ice crew. Everyone on the crew sank to their deaths while Dodo survived by climbing on top of the ice berg. "Fiddle dee fiddly dee!" Colonel Dodo sang as he watched on as the entire boat sank to the deep dark abyss of the Atlantic Ocean. Dodo returned home to London where his angry parents were waiting for him at the harbour.

After leaving high school, Colonel Dodo attempted attending an art college but left because it was just too much art and not enough fart. Then World War II came, and Dodo was summoned to fight. Dodo spent the majority of the war scheming to get out from being sent on the frontline by his commander General Melchett. General Melchett was a wicked man who was incredibly crazy, and always spouts the words "bah," at every opportunity. Melchett a self confessed normal person forced Dodo to do several gruelling tasks while he and his friend Darling got to eat tea and scones up in Walnut Pass until the sun went down. While Colonel Dodo never won any medals during his time in the war, he still managed to win the honour of being the first animal in animal history to get kicked out of the army.

You see: one day, Dodo accidentally shot a carrier pigeon while trying out his new handgun. Dodo decided that in order not to face consequences for killing the pigeon due it being a court-martial offense decided to eat it for dinner. After eating the pigeon, Dodo and his unit received a visit from General Melchett who asked why Dodo had not gone on the frontlines as instructed by the carrier pigeon. "Ah well you see..." Colonel Dodo began but was cut off by Private Baldrick who said, "we didn't receive any messages, and Dodo definitely didn't kill this delicious plump juicy bird!" "WHAT!?" Dodo was then arrested, and sentenced to death, and was to be shot the very next day at dawn by a firing squad led by one overly excited soldier.

However, Colonel Dodo was able to escape, as the night after his arrest, Baldrick came to visit him, and offered a cunning plan to get him out. He presented Dodo with an escape kit which included a wooden duck which Dodo could balance on his head while in the water in order to disguise himself. After Baldrick departed leaving Dodo with the escape kit, he then using a method taught to him by his mentor Freddy Krueger was able to walk through the walls of the prison. Upon leaving the prison, Colonel Dodo broke out into a ran, and ran and ran and ran some more. He ran all the way to the docks where he caught the ferry to Empire Bay. While on the ferry, Dodo sat in his room, and looked out the window as the streets of London glowed like the fires of Hell. Once General Melchett discovered that he had broken free, all Hell would break loose, but Dodo wouldn't be there.

Arriving in Empire Bay, Dodo worked a serious of mundane jobs until 1951 when he landed a job working in a shop owned by Norris Fielding. Now in the 1950's, Norris was not the crazy lunatic with a hatred for shurbert lemons that we all know today. No for back in the 1950's, Norris was a much calmer but still annoying man with a full head of hair, and a lot of passion for one young Norris. Dodo worked for Norris as a security guard, and help beat up any punks who tried to rob Norris of his stock. "Just look at these blooming things! Pink buttons what's wrong with starbursts and gobstoppers?" Norris had asked Dodo one day who responded simply with, "I don't know matey boy."

For the next two years, Dodo worked happily at the store, and even got promoted to become Norris' assistant. That was until, the pair received a visit from Captain Hawkeye. Hawkeye was formally the first mate of James Turnatable, and had survived Dodo's munity as well as the ship crashing into the iceberg like some kind of Titanic. Hawkeye revealed that he was collecting protection money from all the shops in Empire Bay, and demanded that Fielding pay up. Fielding who didn't have a cent to his name opted to let Dodo go in exchange for getting Hawkeye's son a job there. Hawkeye's son was a really fucking annoying goat who was so fucking stupid it should be a sin. Yes Hawkeye's son was a goat. So sad. "Hey I got cabin fever too!" Hawkeye Jr sang as he danced into the store while Dodo was thrown off the premises by two of Hawkeye's guards.

That evening, Dodo returned home to his apartment in Little Italy, and got ready to return home to London when he received a visit from someone who would change his life forever. It was none other than Captain Hook himself who would later go on to become Dodo's accountant. He was accompanied by Dodo's first ever first mate Henry Albatross. The pair who were wary of Dodo's actions during the war, and asked for his help in stealing a truck carrying diamonds which belonged to Hawkeye.

Captain Hook was born in London, and had grown up pretty hard seeing first hand how power could corrupt people after his uncle was killed by the local Cartel. Henry meanwhile was homeless for many years until he eventually headed to Empire Bay a city where one could find a better life. Dodo's similar story of bullying and perseverance inspired the pair to let Dodo in on their robbing ways. So, Dodo despite initial reluctance greed to help them with the robbery.

So, the robbery went off without a hitch. Henry Albatross then carried the jewels up to his nest in Kingston in order to keep them safe until after Hawkeye has forgotten about them. Sadly, the following day, Hawkeye confronted Dodo at his own apartment, and demanded that his diamonds be brought back to his ship by sundown in three days time. "Three sunrises, three sunsets, three days Dodo." Hawkeye said as he spat in Dodo's eye before making his way outside onto the busy streets of Empire Bay.

Now, Henry and Hook both wanted to pay Hawkeye a million loan of a million dollars, but Dodo had other ideas. He suggested to the pair that instead of paying Hawkeye back the money, they instead kill Hawkeye, and take control of his ship. The pair looked at each other dumbfounded, and asked, "but why?" "Why? Why!? Well I'll tell ya," Dodo said before continuing with, "all my life all I've ever wanted is to sail the seas without having to have a fear in the world." "If we actually manage to pull this off we'll be making history." Captain Hook said like some kind of Detective Norman.

The trio of Dodo, Hook, and Henry then proceeded to head down to the bayou where Captain Hawkeye and his crew were getting their hands on a shipment full of cigars. I haven't smoked a good cigar in quite a while! Ha ha! Anyways, Captain Hawkeye upon noticing the trio pulled an incredibly smug face as he then asked, "hey you got the oysters?" "Nah I got something better." Dodo said in an incredibly smug voice as Captain Hook and Henry Albatross both dawned machine guns. They began mowing down all of Hawkeye's henchmen. Hawkeye then made an urgent distress call to one of his friends who dispatched an entire army of corrupt soldiers to kill Dodo, however Dodo and his friends moved too quick and were able to kill all of the soldiers. Hawkeye attempted to make a break for it by heading inside an old abandoned hotel, but Dodo was hot on his tail. Dodo followed Hawkeye up to the penthouse suite, and pulled out a solid gold revolver. He pushed the revolver right up to Hawkeye's head who remarked, "hey can't we just be friends?" "Say hello to Turnatable for me." Dodo said as he shot the bullet right into Hawkeye's forehead killing him instantly. With Hawkeye dead, Dodo and his friends took control of his ship, and sailed onward to Oakton City.

In Oakton City, one of Hawkeye's best friends: a corrupt governor named Tackleton was plotting to make piracy legal, but with Hawkeye dead, he was getting ready to cancel that idea. Knowing fully well that Tackleton had the power and the resources to bring him to justice, Dodo brought with him Tackleton's long lost twin brother Burly who had served as a debt collector in Hawkeye's crew. Dodo knew that with Tackleton's own flesh and blood being a pirate, he would be forced to approve of piracy becoming legal in the world. Yes you see; Tackleton was an incredibly powerful governor who was part of the board of directors. The board of directors decided on all the laws that the world had to follow. When Tackleton saw Dodo enter his domain without an invitation he began sobbing heavily, but not because of Colonel Dodo. No, Tackleton began sobbing heavily because his fiancée had left him for a cricket. Yes a fucking cricket! Cricket on the hearth my ass! Torch that little fucker do it now!

Governor Tackleton's tears of despair were then changed into tears of happiness upon seeing his long lost twin brother Burly for the first time in over 30 years. "I feel as light as a log! Heavy as a hummingbird!" Tackleton sang as he began dancing with his bro to 1970's jazz music. "Hey don't feel bad that you just lost your wife just love Christmas instead!" Dodo proclaimed in an incredibly dumb voice which was rather out of character for ole Dodo, but what the Hell it's Christmas! "Okay!" Tackleton proclaimed happily as he then proceeded to get extra close to Dodo's face. He didn't look Dodo directly in the eye, but his breath man did it stink! It smelt like wotsits and eggs. Ew that's nasty I must say! Somehow, Dodo's plan worked, and that very evening, Governor Tackleton and the board of directors made piracy legal, and Dodo and his friends were able to go on pirating without the fear of Tackleton hunting them down later.

In the 1980's, Colonel Dodo had a big falling out with Captain Hook over a bad lamb shalab which had landed Dodo in the hospital for a month. Dodo and Hook then opted to go their separate ways for a couple years. Separate ways separate ways. Ha! Dodo failed in keep the seas under control without Hook managing his accounts for him so he took up a job as a level low level street sweeper. This was when Dodo met Duck who he then went on to help with founding the Toilet Duck company. Sadly, Dodo departed from Duck's side in around 1985 or thereabouts for he had come far too busy with his latest business idea. He founded his very own propane company entitled Dodo Incorporated

Dodo Incorporated was intended to serve as the biggest manufacturer of propane in the United Kingdom, and it did succeed in doing so for several decades until it was burnt to the ground by Hank Hill. Dodo used some of the money he had stolen from Hawkeye's safe to invest into the company, and used an old abandoned warehouse on Burbank Avenue as the base of his operations. It was also around this time that he reconciled with Captain Hook. Yeah sure glad we resolved that conflict literally between two paragraphs! Dodo and Hook with help from Henry Albatross were able to make Dodo Incorporated worldwide. You see; Henry would fly around the world delivering propane to all the people in the world. Some say that every 15th of October, Henry delivers propane to an elderly couple in Turkey. This however as yet to be confirmed.

Now, Dodo Incorporated brought Dodo a lot of money. He then used that money to buy himself an even bigger ship than the one he had taken from Captain Hawkeye many moons ago. Dodo then decided that it was finally time to take control of the entire ocean. In order to do so, Dodo needed to defeat the Almighty Octopus whose nesting place was in the very centre of the ocean. Upon telling Hook and Albatross this, they both looked at Dodo with confused faces. "We got a plan then?" Hook asked. "Just follow my lead Hook." Colonel Dodo responded as they made their onto Dodo's new ship. They then proceeded to travel towards the centre of the ocean where they endured freezing old evenings and chilly mornings. Charlie is always chilly! He is chilly on his elbows!

Sorry about that, anyways I guess I should explain who this Almighty Octopus is right? Well I'm going to anyway whether you like it or not. The Almighty Octopus is said to have been around since the beginning of time, though it wasn't until 1936 when the Octopus was brought to attention after acclaimed author Paulie Lombardo. In Lombardo's critically acclaimed book; "Demon Beneath The Sea," discussed the Almighty Octopus, and how it had the power to crush ships just by using it's mind. Lombardo also discussed the fact that the Octopus may have been around since the dinosaurs were pondering around, and he believes the Octopus got it's sea controlling power due to a precious gemstone imbedded on it's head. According to Lombardo, by using the stone, the octopus is able to control the seas like it's nothing. If Colonel Dodo wanted to take control of the ocean, he needed that gemstone, and he was going to get it no matter what!

Reaching the centre of the ocean, Colonel Dodo and Henry Albatross decided to give the Almighty Octopus some bait. They wanted to have the creature distracted; that way it wouldn't put up much of a fight. Dodo reached inside a large Tesco carrier bag, and pulled out a rabbit. "Hey what's the matter with me?" The rabbit asked as he was thrown into the water by Dodo. Not even ten seconds later, the Almighty Octopus flew out of the ocean like some kind of Great White Shark, and ate the rabbit up in all one bite. Dodo and Albatross were gobsmacked for they had no idea the Almighty Octopus would be so quick. "You're gonna need a bigger boat!" Henry Albatross cried at the very top of his lungs as the Octopus began using it's mighty gemstone which caused the ship to start sinking. The Almighty Octopus then decided that appranately wasn't enough, and grabbed Dodo and Henry with two of it's tentacles. The Octopus lifted Dodo and Henry high up into the early afternoon sky. Dodo closed his eyes braising for the impact that was sure to follow as AO opened up it's mighty mouth revealing it to be full of razor sharp teeth. Sharp as knives with a breath which stank like cat vomit. Dodo and Henry were sure they were done!

However, the impact never came for Captain Hook who had been in the bathroom taking a big ole shit threw a harpoon at AO. The harpoon caught the poor octopus right on the head which caused it to let go of Dodo and Henry. The pair were brought back on the ship by Captain Hook. However, AO was still very much alive, and pulled the harpoon out from it's head, and threw it back at Hook who only just narrowly managed to avoid getting hit. AO then began using it's powers to cause an incredibly violent maelstrom to appear in the centre of the ocean. The maelstrom began pulling Dodo's ship towards it with Hook trying his upmost best to steer the ship away. Dodo then headed inside the captain's quarters, and opened up a large steel briefcase which sat upon his mighty dodo bed. Inside the case was a grenade launcher. Dodo went back onto the front deck, and pointed the grenade launcher directly at AO's face. "Smile you son of a bitch!" Dodo said as he shot a fatal shot right at AO causing it to explode into a million bite size pieces.

Suddenly, the gemstone began flying in mid-air, and then as if by magic turned into fairy wearing a blue dress. "Hello there!" The blue fairy proclaimed happily to which Henry Albatross asked, "who is you?" "I am the blue fairy, and I was the one who gave Almighty Octopus or J Keg as I like to call him all of his powers." The blue fairy explained. "So uh what happens now?" Captain Hook asked to which the blue fairy responded with, "with J Keg... I mean Almighty Octopus dead; that puts you three in control of the seas." The blue fairy went on, "just remember that the sea is a very delicate mistress, and it must therefore be treated with the upmost respect do you understand?" "Uh so basically I control the ocean now?" Colonel Dodo asked which caused the blue fairy to get right up in his dodo face. "That's what I said didn't I?" The blue fairy asked rhetorically, and with that she disappeared into a cloud of smoke leaving behind the gemstone. Dodo picked the gemstone up with his feathers and remarked, "great George I've finally done it!" Dodo then turned to face Hook and Henry, and he then proclaimed, "the entire ocean is ours! The seven seas belong to us and now alone!" "Where are you going to keep that gemstone Dodo?" Captain Hook asked to which Dodo responded with, "oh I have a place Hooky." He then proceeded to place the gem inside his hat. The gem is still inside Dodo's hat even now as I'm writing this.

After receiving the gemstone, Dodo and his friends celebrated by having a massive party down in Walnut Pass which lasted for five days straight! Isn't that swell? Dodo and his friends danced all through the night and danced until the sun went down in Hushaby Mountain. That's when Dodo came to a pretty shocking realization. If a regular schmuck like him could kill the most powerful creature on the ocean then what was good was all it's power? It occurred to Colonel Dodo that no matter how strong someone was there would always be stronger to clip their wings. Dodo then decided that if he was going to be new supreme ruler of the ocean he would need to be extra careful.

After they were finally done partying it up, Dodo, Hook, and Henry announced their status as the new rulers of the ocean at a press conference in Brecon. Dodo was being treated with more respect than he could ever hoped of getting. He was getting praise from everyone and I do mean everyone. Even his old school teachers looked on in amazement with one of them even remarking, "dear God that's Dodo!" He then proceeded to shove a massive spoonful of mash potato into his mouth as Emmerdale had just started. For shame!

In control of the entire ocean, Dodo despite Hook and Henry urging him to do so opted against buying another ship, and instead used government money to rebuild his old one which had nearly been destroyed by Almighty Octopus. Speaking of the government, Dodo had actually tried to run for Prime Minister in around 2005ish but lost to Tony Blair. Now that's just really sad, and I mean seriously Dodo how could you possibly lose to Tony Blair? I guess he's just got the flair that Dodo lacks I suppose. Dodo also used his new found status as the head of the seas to make good friends in politics including the aforementioned Governor Tackleton and many others including Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Mr Parks, Governor Frank Burning, and so many others. Heck, he even befriended the damn cricket which had stolen Tackleton's one true love right from under him. Under the covers! So I guess that's why they call it the blues!

By the 2000's, Colonel Dodo had built himself an empire, and was one of the richest people in the entire world. It was said that even Mr Parks himself was jealous of Dodo's new found success, and it's not very hard to see why quite honestly. Dodo's fame and glory had even seen him land a few movie parts over the years. Granted, they were only bit parts, but even still Dodo was very grateful for the opportunity. He even got his own biopic entitled, "Dodo My Modo," which starred Leonardo DiCaprio as Colonel Dodo having been personally selected by the dodo himself. For the part, DiCaprio had to wear an incredibly dodgy looking Dodo costume. Despite the costume, the film was a box office success and won about 15 awards including a golden parsnip award now that's just cheeky Colonel Dodo! Sadly, the same level of success cannot be said for Captain Hook and Henry Albatross.

The pair had very quickly grown jealous of Dodo's fame and success, but did not say anything about it out of fear of it possibly destroying their friendship. After all in a weird sense, the trio had grown up together. Eventually, Henry departed from Dodo's side after more than 50 years, for Henry had finally found true love in the mother of Bob. The same Bob who never speaks. Sadly, Bob is still planning to kill Gordy but will the bad guys let him do it? I highly fucking doubt it. So, Henry and his love began traveling the world together. Dodo still gets postcards from Henry from time to time.

With Henry gone, Dodo decided that he needed a new first mate so he began interviewing several possible candidates including Mr Badger and incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant, before eventually deciding on Peck Fex. Peck had actually met Dodo many years ago when he and Hook were chopping down trees up in Granit Pass. Peck joined Dodo's crew, and though the pair did become very close friends, Dodo just never got that same attachment to Peck that he had with Henry. "Is that supposed to be a secret code it's just a simple mathematical equation!" Peck proclaimed happily which annoyed Hook greatly who was trying his darn best to do some accounting work. "Blasted bird!" Hook yelled angrily while trying his best to strangle Peck to death only to get stopped by Dodo.

Sadly, Colonel Dodo's happy life was upturned when both Hook and Peck left him in around May 2020. After his old ship was destroyed by Hank Hill, Dodo and his cohorts set out to find a new one which was been sold in Empire Bay by Captain Kiddie who formally worked at Dodo Incorporated. During the adventure, Hook was able to divert the army which allowed for Dodo and Peck to progress further into the countryside. After losing the military, Hook opted not to return to Dodo, and instead got a job as a stockbroker in London. He also bought his own pirate ship which he then turned into a bed and breakfast for the homeless. He ran the B&B with his first mate Smee. However, unlike Henry, Hook decided to not keep in contact with Colonel Dodo. So sad.

Colonel Dodo was then dealt another crushing blow when the trek to Empire Bay resulted in Peck Fex getting ran over and killed by a truck. Though, Dodo did eventually succeed in getting the boat he fell into a deep depression which he tries his best to get through by smiling a happy face, but I don't think he'll ever truly be happy again. Maybe he needs some of Tackleton's Patterned Milk! I swear its Springfield's only choice! Dodo did try offering Henry his job back, but Henry declined for he was getting married, and his fiancée did not approve of Colonel Dodo for unknown reasons. The pair couldn't have left Dodo at a worse time either for Dodo Incorporated was also burnt down by Hank Hill.

With Hook and Peck both gone, Dodo became more reckless for he no longer had anyone to calm him down. He now gave in to his anger, and showed off a more darker side of the colonel that had never been seen before. For example, Dodo willingly had Captain Kiddie beaten to a pulp after the latter failed to pay off his debt in time. He also burnt down Richard Bagg's own propane company due to him thinking that Richard was responsible for it burning it down. He never even for one second suspected that Hank Hill was responsible. Heck, Dodo even began getting involved with lost media something which he never would have done had Hook and Peck or Henry still been around. You know something, ia weird sort of way, with his new darker personality, Dodo became more like James Turntable and Captain Hawkeye. He became exactly who he said he never would be. Some people including yours truly eagerly await the day that Dodo gives up control of the ocean, but until then it's all just a matter of time.

So ladies and gentlemen, if you ever see Colonel Dodo, just ignore him. Don't bother talking to him, just walk past Dodo, and pray to God that he hasn't just a bad day. Cause if he has oh man you better run! You had better run or else Dodo will feed you to his new pet guard dogs he gotten from a pet store ran by Bill Sykes. Yes Bill Sykes not even joking on that one! Just keep a level profile, and just remember that not all heroes are happy. Maybe one day, Dodo will become the dodo that we used to know, but until that day comes... well I'm loving angels instead.

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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