The SpongeBob Bootleg DVD...

Have you ever heard of SpongeBob SquarePants, that classic cartoon that first aired in 1999 that everyone knows of? Well, I've heard of it too, even watching a few seasons from time to time. However, one time I bought the first season on a bootleg DVD and made a severe mistake that I'll never forget. Here is what happened...

So it all started in the afternoon when I left the carnival down the road (terrible place by the way, go anywhere but to that carnival!). At the time, I was in a very sour mood from all the screaming sugared-up 8-year-olds, loud generic pop songs playing from the run-down light-covered ferris wheels, and burning grease I thought was 'food'. I was caught up by a homeless man who had a large, greyed-out beard, red eyes like he was about to cry himself into a trip, a stench of expired groceries and rat venom, and a deep, crooked voice that could only perform 14% volume... In the middle of a shouting crowd!

"Do you have time for this kids show right here?" he shivered, holding a blank white disc with 'spongbob 1' written on it. I knew he wanted me to buy it so he could eat, and looking back, I probably should have been softer on him, but with the day I had before, it was not that nice anyways. "No thanks, I'm okay" I passively rejected, trying not to scream murder at him. "I assure you that it contains good messages and funny jokes for your kids" he desperately replied, trying to change my mind. He not only failed miserably, but finally made me snap.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID SPONGEBOB DVD, OKAY?" I busted out my vocal cords. The man slumps down and quietly lets out "Okay, if you insist... Just wanted to entertain you, but it's fine, I guess" before dipping his head into his knees and softly sobbing. I stormed off, just wanting to slam the door shut and put on Netflix's Hoops (because I really think it's pretty funny, even if anyone says otherwise). When I approached the pedestrian crossing lights though, I started to feel guilty. Maybe he did want to make me happy and I was just being too mean? I walked all the way back to where the man was, still feeling glum, and told him "Okay, I'll give you a chance". I told him where my house was if he needs me (or if I need him, but more on that later) and asked "Now, what's the cost?". He hesitated to speak, but then answered "Only 4 for one", and I gave him $4 for a DVD of SpongeBob Season One... Oh, how I wish I never did that... EVER!

I got back home and turned on the TV and my DVD player (technically a Blu-Ray player though) and set the TV to the DVD insertion menu. Then, I opened the player, popped the disc in, rolled the disc holder in (or just pushed the Open/Close button to be literal) and sat back for some fun. Here is what I saw...

The Nickelodeon logo from 2009 played out, indicating this was a modern print of the first season. This wasn't too out of the ordinary because... Well, Nick's gotta profit off of nostalgia somehow. Then it cut to the Paramount Home Entertainment warning screen with the navy blue background (ironic considering what disc the screen was on). I was pleasently surprised with this print, especially after knowing what it looked like on the outside, but then it cut to a DVD ad for Go Diego Go... I wish I was lying to you!

This DVD of the first season of SpongeBob SquarePants, a show that most people wouldn't consider 'for toddlers', with some rather violent imagery and scary scenes compared to these shows, advertised a spinoff of one of the most unappealing baby shows possible. Of course, I'd be okay with it being shoved in my face if I was watching... I dunno, Blue's Clues, but with SPONGEBOB, GODDAMN, SQUAREPANTS, either Nick forgot their own target audience or the homeless man scammed me out of my pathetic $4.

So when the Go Diego Go trailer ended, I hoped it would cut to the menu so I could get it over with. I wasn't thinking logically however, as a DVD trailer for Ni Hao, Kai-Lan played after. I was waiting for it to stop so I could watch SpongeBoy get Bobbed in his... You get the point, when I realized there wasn't a DVD trailer for Dora. That makes no sense! It wasn't a Dora DVD so it should've been advertising one, and they advertised a Go Diego Go DVD, and yet they didn't on here? Something was very wrong, and it was only when the trailer ended and the menu started that I figured it all out...

The menu was a poor recording of the SpongeBob intro on the TV, with a baby crying and a woman shouting (presumably at the baby) in the background. To make the recording even shoddier, the TV screen also had a TV-Y7-FV symbol and the Nickelodeon watermark overlayed on top of the intro. In the foreground were two options, 'play all' and 'episode selcect' (select was misspelled on the menu). The text was white and in Calibri (Body), and the only indication that you selected one of the options was the text turning a discreet yellowish-white.

I was laughing myself to death from how terrible the menu was. Of course, I really should have expected the menu to suck considering who I got the DVD from, but I still wasn't expecting it to be this incompetent! However, after a few minutes of forgetting how to breathe properly, I suddenly figured out what the DVD originally was, and it all made sense.

The DVD was actually a rip of a Dora DVD that was modified to a DVD of the first season of SpongeBob SquarePants so more kids would buy it and give the homeless man more money to spend on mushrooms. How did I figure this out? Well, I figured that it could be why there were an ad for Go Diego Go on DVD but not Dora the Explorer on DVD, why the Nickelodeon logo was the 2009 one when the SpongeBob season one DVD came out way earlier, and also why the logos, warnings and trailers were even there when the quality of the menu is significantly worse than all of them. It also explains why there's an anti-piracy warning on a pirated DVD. In short: I used enough braincells to outdo a homeless man.

So what did this mean in the end? I'll tell you right now, I wasn't being sold a bootleg copy of a kids show by a hobo. I was being scammed out of petty cash by a FUCKING IDIOT! So I took the DVD out of the DVD player, turned it and the TV off, stormed back out of the house and walked over to where I last saw the man. Fortunately for me, I saw him lying on his back in a dirty alleyway sucking on a mushroom (I think he was training himself, but I don't know what for). Then, with all that frustration finally put to use, I snapped the disc in half, ran up to him, and stabbed his throat with the sharp half of the disc.

He made a gargled scream as blood sprayed from his neck, his face turning pale as his eyes faded away. He eventually fell into a perminent slumber, not even getting to feel the acid he consumed. I decided to be nice and stuffed the mushroom into his mouth while opening and closing his jaw so he could munch on it. It didn't matter though as now I needed to hide his body so I wouldn't get thrown into the slammer. I noticed a large bin that was also not too full, so I chucked him in there and wiped the blood off my face with the other part of the disc. Just to be safe (and also because who would even want it), I threw the disc away, so sorry if you want to see it, because you can't! Anyways, I went back home and put on Netflix's Hoops (remember, I like this show).

So what did we learn, boys and girls? Well, today's moral is: Don't buy bootleg DVDs from strangers, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE HOMELESS! Okay, bye.

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