The Trouble With Extra Crunchy Crisps
Author's note: This story is a funnypasta and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously. Please make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
Crisps sure are delicious aren't they? When you ask anyone what their favourite flavour of crisps are the answer will never be the same. Some people would say Monster Munch or Doritos. If you were to ask any British people what their favourite type of crisps was. The majority of them would say Walkers. Not just any type of Walkers though I'm talking about the extra crunchy Walkers. There is however a problem with the extra crunchy crisps that I as a level headed member of the community feel inclined to warn you about.
Now let me start by saying that the extra crunchy crisps' main issue is the fact that they are incredibly addictive. More addictive than any drug on the planet. You have one bite of them and before you know it the entire bag is gone. If people cannot get their hands on the crisps for a certain amount of time they go bananas. How bananas? I hear you not asking. Well let me tell you my friend.
Acclaimed singer Lionel Richie is a massive fan of the extra crunchy crisps. One day, Lionel ran out of crisps in his condo and went crazy like King Louie. He needed some crisps and fast. He went around town singing to people who were just trying to eat their picnic. "Share them together new extra crunchy." Lionel would sing before getting a slap across his face by Lord Farquad. Lionel eventually made his way to a local ASDA, and if you don't know what that is well all I can really say is shut up dear.
At ASDA, Lionel saw a man buying a bag of extra crunchy crisps. Lionel pushed past all of the people in the store before confronting the man while singing, "first you then me." The man ran out of the store with Lionel in hot pursuit. Lionel chased that man for two days straight before the man eventually got onto a plane which was heading to the North Pole with the Muppets. Sadly, Lionel Richie happened to be on the same flight and said, "ooh yeah share." The man cried in agony before jumping out of the plane's window. Lionel suddenly grew wings and used them to fly to the ground to safety as the plane crashed into Farmer Francis' field. He then stole the man's crisps as the man had somehow managed to survive the fall.
Lionel Richie was not the only person to lose their mind from the crispy taste of extra crunchy crisps. Far from it in fact. Another person to lose their mind was Sabe the Pepsi for TV game guy. Sabe had survived the steamed hams fiasco and had moved to London where he got a job in an underground bunker selling disgusting cups of warm orange juice. So the papers were true. Anyway, Sabe has since gotten over his addiction of steamed hams in favour of a new addiction to extra crunchy crisps. He could eat about 5000 packs in one sitting. It was quite amazing to behold actually.
Just like Richie, one day, Sabe sadly ran out of his precious crisps and completely lost it. "Hey let's start the game!" Sabe bellowed as he downed a huge bottle of Pepsi then another and then another and then another. He would have continued if it wasn't for the Pepsi Man tackling him to the cold hard ground. "Whoa!" Pepsi Man yelled as he stole all of Sabe's Pepsi. The rude carrot onion. He tried to make a break for it only to run right into a wall killing him instantly. "Some of those Pepsi bottles were my children." Sabe cried as he sat there in a mess of Pepsi and crushed up crisp packets.
Because of the crisp's addictive nature several criminal organisations have made big bucks from selling the stuff on the streets. Most notably, the Clemente Family from Empire Bay has made huge bucks from selling it to addicts who live in the city. Don Alberto Clemente owns a crisp manufacturing plant over in Riverside. He is also a paranoid wreck as he believes his right-hand man Luca Gurino is snitching to Frito-Lay Inc despite there being no evidence of this. Clemente eventually had enough and had Luca hacked into pieces by his enforcer Sammy Coin. He then sold Luca's meat to an incredibly old and smelly lunch lady who has no toes. I'm not even joking. Her feet were squares. Bloody Minecraft feet am I right? Despite having no toes, the lunch lady is incredibly rich and owns a super mansion up in Walnut Pass where the Trix Rabbit once won a race many moons ago. So sad.
Sorry I'm getting distracted as my uncle just bought me Shrek 2 on Xbox. Anyways, Clemente was facing competition with several rival gangs in the area including the rival Scarpa Crime Family ran by none other than Eddie Scarpa himself. Scarpa made more crisps than Clemente did as he was close friends with the CEO of Walkers; Henry Tomasino. Henry was introduced to Eddie at his bar the Maltese Falcon. "Pleased to meet you Mr Scarpa." Tomasino said to which Eddie replied with, "don't call me Mr Scarpa my friends call me Eddie." I sense some romantic tension going on there as Eddie seemed very nervous while in Henry's presence. Oh whatever it's not like you care anyway right? You'd rather be watching Caillou right now wouldn't you? How rude.
Outside of the criminal underworld, Bob an incredibly quiet man from Alaska has been making big bucks from selling extra crunchy crisps to addicts. He had gotten a shipment of the crisps from his cousin Speckling. Speckling had intended for Bob to sell to Tesco and other supermarket chains but Bob had other ideas. He knew that selling the stuff on to addicts like Lionel and Sabe would make him far more money. He was also doing the crisp trafficking to keep him occupied as he planned on killing his wife's lover Gordy. You see Bob's wife was cheating on him regularly with a corrupt security guard named Gordy. Sadly Bob couldn't get anywhere near Gordy as he owned a bear as a pet. The bear was also an acclaimed BBC actor which made it very ill advised for Bob to kill him.
Bob also served as a supplier for Eddie Scarpa who paid him in buckets of fish so Bob could make himself fish and chips as it was the only thing he could actually cook. He also didn't speak ever. Every time Bob goes to speak; his wife interrupts him. As you may have heard if you've got the Oliver Charles funnypasta guide, Bob hasn't spoken since the great fire of 82. A fire of which he was personally responsible for. Poor poor Bob the tomato.
Another big supplier for Walkers was Stinky a burger truck van owner from Somerset. He sold crisps to local teenagers who were the prime addicts to the crunchy crisps. Whenever someone questioned Stinky, he'd make up a bullshit sob story about how his mother used to have to wash his clothes in the oven. This made everyone feel sorry for him and offer to buy more of his merchandise. Stinky was also incredibly racist to crabs as he refused to sell to Mr Krabs and Plankton calling them, "rag boy and Smelly ton." Stinky was also not working with Scarpa like Bob was which made his truck vulnerable to attack. A great example of this was when Stinky was captured by gangsters working for Scarpa after a truck of their crunchy crisps had gone missing. Scarpa falsey believed that Stinky had been the truck stealer due to his thieving nature. "Where's the fucking crisps!? We lost our truck full!" One of the gangsters yelled while pointing a gun to Stinky's head. This issue was thankfully later resolved after Stinky paid a smell fine of 60 grand to Scarpa. Thankfully. Stinky was eventually arrested for getting kids addicted to extra crunchy crisps. He is currently serving life in Hartmann Federal Penitentiary. So sa... actually no fuck Stinky! He smells like shit as the name implies.
Walkers meanwhile have been facing complaints over the addictiveness of their extra crunchy crisps. An incredibly rude news reporter named Gareth Eggplant asked Henry Tomasino at a press conference once; "why do you keep selling Walkers if they're killing people?" "Uh........" Henry said as the conference came to an abrupt end.
The Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham were especially offended by the crisps because of course they were. They made a PSA on an incredibly hard to access website about the dangers of eating the crisps. Now I would give you a link but uh I wouldn't actually recommend going to that site if I were you. Maybe I am you. I dunno shit. The website is incredibly dangerous and every time you press play on the video it cuts to an incredibly smelly man eating basil from a jar. He looks like Clancy Brown. He then presses a button on an intercom and says, "just relax." His voice is incredibly gruff sounding. He then proceeds to play Pirates of the Caribbean for the original Xbox as incredibly loud music plays in the background. It sounds like a bus going down a hill.
Ahem now if you are willingly to sit through the gruff man's six hour long lets play, you'll eventually be able to see the PSA that the Easily Offended Knights made. The video has a eggplant named Eggplant Edwardson talking to his crush Grasshopper Gregory. "Hey there Grasshopper Gregory how are you doing today?" Edwardson asked as Grasshopper Gregory replied with, "I'm doing bad Eggplant Edwardson. I need something to munch while I wait for my shopping to come." "How about these extra crunchy crisps I just got from Tesco?" Eggplant Edwardson suggested as he handed Gregory the crisps. "Oh thank you so much!" Gregory proclaimed as he began eating the crunchy crisps.
A card then came on screen which read, "Sadly Grasshopper Gregory DIED three years later after this incident because he developed an addiction to the extra crunchy crisps." Also, some really out of place happy music played in the background. It sounded like something from out of a Super Mario game. The card then changed to show Eggplant Edwardson attending Gregory's funeral. In the sky above Eggplant Edwardson black text appeared which read, "Put to an end to Walkers by singing the petition." Sadly, the petition was taken down by Mr Parks who was also addicted to extra crunchy crisps because why wouldn't he be?
The Knights have been trying their best to get the governor of the land Governor Swan to place a ban on all of Walkers Crisps. "Are you accepting the commodore's proposal?" Governor Swan asked. You see in order for the deal to work one of the knights would have to marry the smelly commodore. The commodore was very smelly and has a thing for people who can't spot him at a train station. He also smokes a pipe. I don't why I feel inclined to tell you that reader I just do I guess.
The petition as well as the Knights' PSA video led to Walkers' chief financial backer Mr Heathcliff paying a special visit to the company's headquarters in West Berlin. Heathcliff was a horrid man with an even horrider temper. Massive skulled and incredibly strong, he was disliked by everyone in the company with the exception of Henry Tomasino. He also drank gone off milk as he was addicted to it. When asked what he was drinking, Heathcliff will lie and say it was hair tonic like any rational and sane person would do right?
Mr Heathcliff and his personal assistant Mel Brooks were brought into the security room to look over some old security footage. Heathcliff was shown footage of Henry Tomasino dealing crisps with Eddie Scarpa and his boys. However rather than fire Tomasino, Heathcliff instead arranged a private meeting in his office for Tomasino and himself. At the meeting, Heathcliff praised Tomasino for getting them more money by aligning himself with the Scarpa Family. Heathcliff had actually served the Scarpa Family as an enforcer way back in the mid 1980's. Heathcliff then suggested that Tomasino use the funds made from his sales to Scarpa to invest into the Suburban Redevelopment Fund which pledges to speed up housing developments for returning addicts of extra crunchy crisps. Tomasino happily agreed and is now a proud investor in Elysian Fields Developments who front the Suburban Redevelopment Fund.
Extra crunchy crisps have also inspired people to make stories about them. One man named Osmund Oasis was so inspired by the crisps that he made an entire cult dedicated to them. The cult called themselves the Crispy Cult. How original. Anyways, Osmund Oasis and his friends have taken over a small village in the mountains of rural Spain. He has injected all of the villagers there with blended up extra crunchy crisps. Rather than kill them, the crisps has turned the villagers into ravaging killers who can only eat extra crunchy crisps with a cup of smelly tea which smells so bad you can smell it from as far as north as Frisco.
Osmund Oasis has Mr Heathcliff and Tomasino on his payroll for big money. They supply him with all the extra crunchy crisps he could ever want. Once a government agent named Leon S Kennedy tried to get the scoop on Osmund's schemes only to get captured by the crazed villagers. Osmund then had Kennedy injected with the crisps which turned him insane as well. Kennedy became Osmund Oasis' bodyguard and accompanies him everywhere he goes. Osmund mainly did this as he needed someone to drive his car. He couldn't drive much anymore due to his sandals making it hard for him to press on the pedals.
Way back in Autumn 2011, two officers named Mike Stubbles and George Glasses tried to investigate into Walkers by sneaking into their factory late one night. They managed to find Tomasino's payroll book which revealed all of the police officers and business people who were part of the Walkers Conspiracy. "I'm taking these sons of bitches down." Glasses proclaimed as Stubbles asked, "what all by yourself?" Sadly, both officers were caught leaving by Mr Heathcliff who handed them over to Osmund Oasis and his Cult. Both men were killed soon after. So sad. Well not really they were kind of assholes. Stubbles was a corrupt cop anyway as he was on Scooter's payroll and Glasses was just a prick with glasses. Nothing much else to say about that I'm afraid.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has commented on the situation with Walkers but seemed to be indifferent about the whole thing. In a press conference, Mr Johnson said, "Walkers are a great company and I believe all this talk of corruption and conspiracies is all a load of Christmas tree if you ask me." It is also worth nothing that following this press conference Boris was seen riding on his bicycle in Kensington. Yes Kensington the royal burrow up top. That's not the strange thing bit though. No the strange part was that Boris was shown eating a HUGE bag of Walkers extra crunchy crisps whilst riding his bike along the deserted streets. They were deserted for obvious reasons. Sorry the world is still made of bricks. No going outside for you. Gosh I'm such a prick aren't I reader? Ooh despicable me.
Police Chief Worrell was also in on the scheme and used his status as police chief to help cover up the conspiracy from being exposed. He also demoted LAPD detective Cole Phelps to the arson desk at the smelly station as Phelps had begun investigating into Walkers and was close to finding out the truth. As well as Worrell's connection to the whole thing.
Now believe it or not, the Walkers Conspiracy was actually exposed after a private DM from Tomasino to Scarpa was leaked online. However thanks to Tomasino and Heathcliff's connections, the conspiracy was heavily covered up. The only place that heard about was the North Pole so poor Santa I guess. Look I don't fucking know alright!?
So to conclude, extra crunchy crisps are evil and you should never ever buy them. If you need a snack just go and murder an M&M. That M&M was rude anyway as it insulted you for not getting a bigger bowl. That's just sick. I hope it croaked on a frog like some kind of Karl Pilkington. If I were you, I'd steer clear from buying any crisps from Walkers. Stick to buying Doritos or Monster Munch or Wotsits. You could even buy What Zit Tooya Crisps which are absolutely horrible and will break your teeth the second you bite into them. No joke it's like eating a brick. Bloody horrible. So that's the end now if you excuse me I'm gonna go and have a snack. Yeah a nice little crunchy snack.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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