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There once was a family in some generic-as-hell suburban neighborhood who never gave two fucks. One particular day, their 20-year-old daughter found a mysterious video tape on their porch. Because she was dropped on her head one-too-many times during her early childhood, she decided to play it upstairs in the attic because FAR too many pastas have done this, so will it make a difference where she watches it? Yeah, I don't think so.
She began playing it on some bulky-ass TV that hasn't been touched for years now and pondered why the fuck anyone would keep shit like this.
She gasped in horror at what was playing in front of her eyes.
It was a sex tape of King Krule and Jennifer Aniston.
She was all like "NOPE NOPE NOPITY NOPE, LOLNOPE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOPE." Then she snapped her own neck with a barbwire-wrapped dildo.
The bitchy mother of the now-dead daughter was searching for her 'cause she wanted to stuff her ass with food then bake her for Thanksgiving.
She finally came up to the attic where she began poking her dead daughter's mangled ass and bitching to almost no extent.
She continued that motherfucking bitching till she actually looked at the TV.
She was all like "OH MY TITS LOOK AT THAT SHIT." Then she ate her mangina with a spoon after she pureed it.
Then the rest of the family were all like "BITCH, WHAT'S ALL THAT COMMOTION UPSTAIRS IN THE ATTIC. I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BITCHSLAP THAT WHORE SO HARD SHE'LL KISS THE MOON."
They arrived at the attic and saw the now-pregnant Jennifer giving birth.
The baby fucking shot out of her vagina and began disemboweling the entire hospital staff till she fucking burst out of the TV screen because fuck logic.
Then she killed every single family member by strangling them with a string of frozen semen.
Then she killed the family dog by asphyxiating the bitch (yes, it was female...) with a doughnut-shaped cunt.
Then their senile grandparent's came because they thought it was Thanksgiving already and their sense of timing is fucked with an iron fist and disemboweled and chained to a dirty motel mattress.
When they saw the bloody-ass bodies, they passed out on top of each other and died of old age in that same position and were showcased in a German museum in that same position that really looks like they were humping each other.
Then the videotape disappeared because fuck logic and began reappearing and killing all the other bitches in the 'hood, then focused on America itself.
After the rash of brutal killings by the hands of the tape struck America, it finally got the attention of news reporters everywhere and they decided that, since America was already fucked sideways and in a roadside bitch, they would play it in a continuous loop globally because fuck logic.
And you know what happened next?
All of America died and all of Japan laughed their ass off.
And then Krule began sipping a martini while stroking his cat-beard hybrid.
Written by Necrosanity
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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