Tom Miller's Pissed-Off Reviews
♪He's playing all the games he finds, even ones that make him cry♪
♪The ones that make him scream and shout and make him wanna die♪
♪He's playing all the games And now he's hanging on a thread♪
♪One day playing all these shitty games is gonna leave him dead♪
♪He's the most pissed off gamer that you've ever heard or seen♪
♪Cause he's pissed at every single thing going on behind the screen♪
♪Oh He's pissed off at this thing, he's pissed off at that, he's pissed off cause his mom is really really fat, He's pissed off at games he hates and he's pissed at his favs too, he's pissed off at his comments and he's pissed off at you!♪
♪Welcome, ya'll to Tom Miller's Pissed-Off Reviews!♪
Camera opens on Tom sitting on his couch, angrily looking at the camera
Ugghhhh, You thought that Sonic 06 was bad? you thought Sonic Boom was the absolute WORST the sonic franchise had to offer? No, let me introduce you all to Rock Fucking Bottom.
Tom shows the game disc to the camera
This! I got this piece of shit from my buddy kyle, and i assume HE must've gotten it from a hobo's asscrack because this is the nastiest stinkiest shit that SEGA ever shat! You wanna know how bad this game is?! Kyle literally told me to destroy this thing at all costs in the letter i got it in! Trust me kyle, i get it...but if you wanted it gone you should've done it yourself you lazy fuck!
The problems with this pile of shit starts on the fucking title screen, look at this buggy piece of shit! the water literally flickered between a normal blue and red like fucking blood and sonic's eyes too! how the hell did a full screen graphical glitch this obvious on the goddamn title screen make it past game testers?! and trust me folks, it's all downhill from here.
Next we get to the character select screen, We can choose tails, knuckles and...robotnik? Oh kick-fuckin'-ass! Any game that lets me play as the final boss is badass... Except there's one problem, i can't fucking select him, or knuckles for that matter, because everyone except tails is fucking locked! why give me the option to choose different characters i can't actually choose anyone?! And also what kind of fucking sonic game, can i not play as the goddamn title character, i signed up to play sonic the fucking hedgehog, not tails, knuckles and Dr. Eggfuck! But fine, whatever, guess we're playing as the damn fox. i select him, and the game fucking freezes for like 5 seconds before i get this stupid evil laugh then the game freezes again for like 10 seconds on a black screen. Great, Fucking wonderful.
We finally get into the game and we're in green hill zone, or i guess just "HILL, ACT 1". Great fucking title, Could you be anymore unimaginative? And speaking of unimaginative, welcome to the most boring fucking level in gaming history. I am being dead fucking serious when i tell you that this ENTIRE level is just walking right. I know sonic games are about running but holy shit, can i get SOME kind of gameplay other than running in one fucking direction?! But no, i'm just walking in right and that's it. and then we start seeing dead animals all over the place, Bodies in the trees, bodies on the ground, roadkill fucking everywhere. Hey, You know what would be alot more fun than just walking and seeing bodies all over the place? If whatever did this was here and we could fight them, but nah, just run and run and see some bodies and run so more. Look at tails' face! he's clearly miserable too, glad to know the kid knows this level is shit too. And speaking of shit, listen to this awful music! It's fucking backwards! Who the hell signed off on that? god, this shit is making my ears bleed!
Well anyway i finally make it to the end of this thing and i actually find sonic, he's looking away from tails until he got close and then his eyes opened and they were red and black like on the title screen and then another evil laugh and the game freezes on a black screen for 7 seconds again, Great. After that the game loaded a message saying "Do you want to play with me?" Sonic? is that you? if so then yeah, i do want to play with you but the character select screen wouldn't fucking let me cause this game sucks donkey dick.
When the game finally loaded in i was in angel island except it was all on fire, and the level was called "HIDE AND SEEK". Good, hopefully i'll actually be able to PLAY something now. Tails was clearly freaking the fuck out and panicking. But i don't give a shit because i can't help but notice that there's not much hiding or seeking going on, you know what there's alot of going on? More fucking running to the right! Then suddenly i hear that evil laugh again, the drowning theme starts to play and then sonic starts flying towards tails. Yeah, that's right, Fucking flying. Since when could sonic fucking fly?! And why the fuck is he chasing tails Oh and by the way this section is fucking bullshit, i'm not even sure how you're supposed to get past this part. Sonic just flies faster than you can run and for some goddamn reason your jump button is turned off so i guess you're just fucked. After sonic catches up tails trips and cries like a bitch for 15 seconds because this game didn't have enough waiting i guess. Then sonic appeared again and then the screen cut to black as tails screamed and died i guess... Wait what the fuck?! Sonic and tails are supposed to be best friends, did these chucklefucks even do the most basic research on this franchise before making this piece of shit?!
Anyway, text came up on the black screen again, this time saying "You're too slow, want to try again?". Yeah nah, i'll pass. that level sucked ass through a straw, i'm moving on.
I was sent back to the character select screen, with tails fucking dead and crying blood and shit. I'm forced to play knuckles now, because of course i only have one option. Sonic laughs again and then guess fucking what? Yeah, 10 seconds of black screen again. I'm not even sure what i'm supposed to be commentating here because so far, this entire piece of shit has literally just been walk right and wait 10 seconds on black screens to do anything. We load into the level and we're in scrapbrain zone with a red cloud background and the level is just called "YOU CAN'T RUN". Yeah, i figured that out last level. And also yeah, the level is literally just walking again. Great, just the greatest fucking level design ever. Can i get some actual fucking gameplay already?! And remember, we keep having to wait 10 fucking seconds on a black screen for this non-gameplay. How fucking poorly optimized does your game have to be to freeze for like 10 seconds every time you have to load a level with nothing in it?! After walking and some blood stains knuckles walks past, sonic jumps knuckles and we get another black screen with text saying "FOUND YOU!". And then i guess i get dropped into some kind of boss against sonic. Well you know what fucker? I'm glad you found me, cause i'm not hiding, i'm playing fucking knuckles and i'm punching your shit in you shitty little prick! Or at least i would if i could fucking hit him! This boss against sonic has to be one of the cheapest bosses i've ever seen. Look at this, look at this shit! I'm just going back and forth trying to hit this dickhead and he just keeps teleporting and laughing like a fucking douchebag! Like, is there a trick i'm missing here or something?! this is fucking ridiculous! Get over here you bastard! Eventually after pulling my hair out trying to hit this blue quilly fuck knuckles just gives up or something, i don't fucking know. He just dropped to his knees and started crying into his hands. You know, like how knuckles would never ever fucking do if this game was made by someone who knew a single fucking thing about sonic. And after that sonic just kills him, great. Text pops up on screen again, saying "So many souls to play with, so little time... would you agree?". Yeah whatever, there's also so many better games to play with rather than this piece of shit.
Normally this would be the point where i throw this pile of shit in the garbage but i've got a job to do here. So i guess we're playing as Dr. Fatass now. The level starts and it's literally just called "..." Yeah it's official, they just fucking gave up at this point. And Get this, i'm playing as eggman but i'm not even in the fucking eggmobile, i'm the lardass doctor standing at the top of a set of stairs. i couldn't get away from this motherfucker as tails and couldn't hit him as knuckles and you expect me to beat this piece of shit with this fatass without his gadgets?! gimme a fuckin' break! And another thing i gotta mention, the music that's playing, admittedly it's pretty nice but one small issue. it's the same fucking song that played in tails' level except not reversed. These fucks were so lazy that they made 1 custom level song and then reversed it to use as the theme of another level. This song belongs in a much better game made by people who aren't lazy fucks. There is literally nowhere to go except down the stairs so you know what time it is folks! That's right! Walking right with no other form of gameplay whatsoever! Goddamnit i am so fucking bored. This level is basically just the first level with tails except with stairs. You walk forward, you go down stairs, you walk forward for like another minute and then guess what? you walk down some more goddamn stairs and then walk some more! and the only change is that the screen gets darker as robotnik goes further forward. Just truly the most steller gameplay of the decade right here. And then without even pretending to give me a chance like it did in the other sections, sonic just fucking appears out of goddamn NOWHERE and then there's 15 fucking seconds of red static. And then this big scary realistic sonic face comes on screen, i guess mocking me for losing to his unavoidable bullshit. After a good 30 seconds of this jackass grinning at me like he's hot shit There's that stupid red static again and there's now text under sonic saying "I AM GOD."
More like "I am a Motherfucking cocksucker."
The camera cuts back to tom on the couch
This game sucks absolute goddamn monkeyfuck! the characters are massively out of character, Sonic randomly has demon powers with no explaination, And speaking of a lack of explainations The storyline is fucking non-existent, and the only thing more non-existent than the story is the fucking gameplay which is literally just holding one button for every fucking level, And the levels themselves are some of the most ball-bustingly impossible bullshit i've ever seen in a game made worse by the fact that you only get one attempt at each level because the characters just fucking die when you fail. This isn't just the worst sonic game ever made, this is quite possibly the worst piece of shit i've ever reviewed on this channel! I'd rather get tortured by a fucking demon than play this shitload of fuck ever again. Kyle, you were totally right about this piece of shit. And i'm finally gonna do something about it!
Tom pulls out a large hammer and throws the disc on the ground and begins repeatedly smashing it and stomping on it
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
Camera cuts to the smashed up bits of the disc on the ground
Yeah, Some fuckin' god you turned out to be, jackass!
The channel's instrumental outro music plays and tom walks out of the room
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