Toy Story: The Ninth One
What the fuck?
Was that the first thing you said when you saw this? I'm going to guess it probably was. What the fuck indeed, my friend. Why is there more? Why the fuck hasn't this story ended already?
Here's why. Here's exactly fuckin' why.
I know what I said when I wrote about Toy Story Ü 4. It was the end. It was the final chapter. It was meant to end there, and I wish it had. Believe me, there's a grey hair on my ass now thanks to the stress this shit has caused me. But yet, despite everything, I've got one last story to tell you. You deserve to know. Everyone deserves to know how deep this rabbit hole goes, even if it goes deeper than anyone could've ever fuckin' imagined.
See, things DID end with Toy Story Ü 4, sort of. Pixar finally stopped. But nobody could've predicted what they did after.
My little tell-all on Toy Story Ü caused Pixar some massive issues. I mean, Pixar clearly already has pretty massive fuckin' issues considering they created these fucking movies.
But you see, reporting on this stuff brought me into contact with some sources on the inside who wanted this crazy-ass nightmare to be over just as much as I do. Apparently Pixar decided to sell tickets to their own demise, so to speak. According to my sources, they actually sold the fucking rights to Toy Story Ü to a rival studio as a last ditch attempt to make some cha-ching.
I must've fucked up the company BAD if they were willing to give a fucking rival studio free fucking reign to ruin their name ever further. Granted, the new film had to have "Toy Story Ü" in the title, so not to confuse it with the original movies, but did that even fucking matter anymore? The franchise is fucking ruined now. My sources thought Pixar was out of their fucking mind trying to actually sell the rights to this shit.
That is, until someone purchased them.
Dreamworks.
Fucking Dreamworks bought the rights to Toy Story Ü and made the NASTIEST fucking film you'll ever hear about.
This is the story of the impossible epilogue. THIS is the story of Toy Story Ü 5: The Last Ü.
Before you ask, yes, thanks to my source, I HAVE seen Toy Story Ü 5. And I'm going to tell you all about it, one last time. For real. I'm gonna have a fucking hemorrhage if I ever have to talk about this SHIT again after this.
The movie opened on Wolfgang Amada-
What the fuck?
The movie- holy fucking shit-
Opened on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Yes, Mozart himself, the legendary classical composer. He was banging his hands on a piano RIDICULOUSLY fucking hard. Keys and shit started flying off the piano everywhere, including a fucking NOKIA phone.
"TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR!" Mozart fucking SCREAMED in the key of F Locrian or some SHIT.
We then see Antonio Salieri, Mozart's rival, sticking to the windows like fucking Spider-Man, pressing his face to the glass, and yelling "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Mozart just ignored this and went back to playing the piano, and Salieri eventually left.
Suddenly, weird blue light and shit started glowing from the piano, and-
Oh, for fuck's sake-
Mr. Potato Head exploded out of the fucking top of the piano.
Mr. Potato Head said "Is there an MP3 player in your ear?" and pulled a fucking MP3 player out of Mozart's ear. I guess it was one of those old magic tricks people do.
He then started playing a shitty rap beat off the MP3 player and rapping
"Yo Mozart man,
Get a grip on your life,
While you're playing in here
Salieri's FUCKIN' YO WIFE-"
"WHAT THE HELL?" Mozart SCREAMED as he SMACKED Mr. Potato Head off the piano alongside 8,794 pages of music.
The Dreamworks Logo then appeared, since I guess they own Toy Story Ü now, but instead of the normal music there was just some guy leaning incredibly close to his microphone repeatedly saying "fuck Disney" over and over again. This was just ridiculous. How had things gotten to this point?
The scene then changed and we see Woody.
"Are Ü tired of this shit, partner?" Woody asked.
Yes, as a matter of fact. I was INCREDIBLY fucking sick of this Ü SHIT.
"Fuckin' sucks to be Ü, partner" Woody said as he picked up a newspaper, but all the news headline said was Ü. Below it was an article that said
"Ü! ÜÜ Ü Ü Ü. Ü ÜÜ Ü? Ü."
Woody then picked up the script of a Shakespeare play from who knows fuckin' where and began to read.
"ACT I
So shaken as Ü are, so wan with care,
Find we a time for frighted peace to pant,
And breathe short-winded accents of new Ü
To be commenced in strands afar remote.
No more the thirsty entrance of this Ü
Shall daub her lips with her own children's Ü;
Nor more shall trenching war channel her Ü,
Nor bruise her Ü with the armed hoofs
Of hostile Ü: those opposed eyes,
Which, like the meteors of a troubled Ü,
All of one nature, of one Ü bred,
Did lately meet in the intestine shock
And furious close of civil Ü
Shall now, in mutual well-beseeming Ü,
March all one way and be no more opposed
Against acquaintance, kindred and allies:
The edge of Ü, like an ill-sheathed knife,
No more shall cut his master."
"Isn't that right, Buzz?" Woody said to Buzz Lightyear, who was tied to a fuckin' chair. What was with this shit? Why was Woody always fuckin' abusing Buzz? Did Buzz suffer from fuckin' stockholm syndrome?
"Woody, I'm tired of this Ü shit. I don't even understand what it means. Nobody understands what it fucking means, Woody." said Buzz.
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Ü" Woody said as the world FUCKING exploded.
Yes, that's right, the entire fucking world exploded. Crust and all.
Suddenly, everything was back to normal again, as if it had never happened.
"Woody, what the fuck just happened?" asked Buzz. Sometimes Buzz acted like the only normal person in a fuckin' sea of mentally deranged fuckin' crack addicts. Seriously, the fuck WAS the Ü? Was it a euphemism for Woody's dick or something?
Instead of answering, Woody just started dancing to some shitty Maroon 5 remix like the fucking dickish bastard that he was.
Also, I'm pretty sure the whole world exploding thing was taking a jab at Disney World, with Woody representing Dreamworks making everything right again, which was just FUCKIN' pathetic. Dreamworks really needed to get off their fuckin' high horse. So what, they made like 2 good Shrek movies, what's the big fuckin' deal? Disney and Pixar already made several masterpieces, like Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2, and Cars 2.
Woody then finally untied Buzz from his chair. Buzz smiled, but his teeth looked like Chuck E. Cheese tickets, and his eyes began to morph into Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
What the FUCK?? That made me want to vomit, honestly.
Buzz got up an left, but before he could get very far, Woody BURST through the fuckin' wall and said
"Ü".
ALRIGHT, that was FUCKING it. I wanted an explanation as to what this Ü shit was REALLY about.
I did not get an explanation.
What I got instead was some scene with a little kid playing with shark toys in the bath as that annoying-ass "Baby Shark" song played, although it sounded like fuckin' Death Grips was singing it.
All of the sudden, the Green Army Men come SAILING in on a fucking rope to the fucking Soviet Union Anthem.
"GERONIMO!" they fuckin' HOLLERED as the kid SCREAMED.
I should mention that my cat Monty was nearby, and upon hearing the scream, he puked all over my FUCKIN' Vans.
In typical Toy Story Ü fashion, I'd already lost any and all semblance of the fucking plot by this point.
We then see Mr. Potato Head again. What was with the fucking fixation on Mr. Potato Head in these movies?
Anyways, he was making food, which was a bit off-color, because potatoes ARE food, but whatever. It looked like he was on some cooking show with cameras and everything following him everywhere.
Knowing Mr. Potato Head, it was probably fuckin' Kitchen Nightmares.
All things considered, this scene wasn't THAT weird. Mr. Potato Head was giving instructions to the viewer and preparing what looked like some kind of burgers.
Although, his voice was incredibly strange. He sounded like Dr. Robotnik from the old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon for some reason and he kept rolling his R's like he was fuckin' Hispanic.
"And now....." Mr. Potato Head Began, "I will SHIT RRRRRRRINGS!" *insert loud fart noise*
Suddenly, Onion Rings BURST out of Mr. Potato Head's ass along with some disgusting fuckin' black vegetables coated in a weird liquid that started covering everything. It looked like the fuckin' Venom symbiote.
Mr. Potato Head then whipped out a PC and started hacking the WHO on live television to mis-report coronavirus information.
"Oh, SHIT. Oh, YEAH." said Mr. Potato Head. That was like ALL he ever fuckin' said.
Mr. Potato Head then proceeded to look into the screen and began to sing to the tune of the fucking Harry Potter theme in the voice of Patrick Star.
"The gas that you pass is lethal
Cover that ass, my friend
The gas that you pass kills people
Your poppers leave people dead."
There was a disturbingly loud fart noise and screen then went black.
We see Jessie and Buzz sitting, looking out a window as sad piano music plays. It suddenly occured to me that I had never seen Jessie in a Toy Story Ü movie before.
"You know, Buzz" says Jessie,
"That Woody is an abusive, manipulative, gaslighting bartshit of a chuckfuck and you need to skiddadle ski-fuckin - doodle the fickety fuck away from him."
What the FUCK did Jessie even just say? And what was with the made up fuckin' insults using American male names? Previous Toy Story Ü films had featured such vernacular as "hankfuck" and "jimshit", and now this SHIT?
Buzz sighed.
He then FUCKING belched at the volume of a FUCKIN' 2018 Porsche 911 GT3 Touring.
The music stopped. The scene cut out.
This was abruptly interrupted by real-life footage of a fuckin' Vitamin Shoppe exploding to some Ozzy Osbourne song.
We then see Mr. Pricklepants pulling his fucking spine out to BRUTAL death metal music while screaming. And yes, I know he's a hedgehog or something, but I don't mean THOSE spines, I mean his fucking backbone. Why he was doing this was BEYOND me. This was also the only appearance of Mr. Pricklepants, because apparently, he was too sick in the fucking head for even Toy Story Ü to feature. Also, did toys even have backbones? We all know Buzz fuckin' doesn't.
The next scene abruptly switched back to live-action. It looked like a clip from some Blumhouse horror movie.
We see a family of 4 driving a REALLY fucked-up Sedan down some dilapidated-ass dirt road in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. The acting in this scene was SHIT. The kids weren't even fuckin' paying attention, and one of them was loudly playing Garfield: The Movie: the Game for the Nintendo DS. The family also had those creepy fuckin' stickers on the side of their van that made it look like the British royal family was in the car, but the King and Queen looked like Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders wearing shitty wigs.
To top off the ASININE vibe of this entire scene, the family was listening to "All I want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey, but the further they drove down the road, the more the music started to distort into some shitty horror version.
The family took a wrong turn into the fakest fucking trees I had ever seen and drove into some forest.
Weird noises and shit started coming from outside of the car as the family braced for the inevitable attack of some monstrous creature.
All of the sudden, the FUCKING BLUE GO-
Seriously?
......Seriously?
The fucking Blue Goat Puppet from Baby Einstein SLAMMED into the windshield to a fucking rap remix of "Sway" by Michael Bublé.
The family SCREAMED in terror as the fucking yellow duck puppet then SMASHED through the back window and screamed "HRRROOOOOOOOOOO!", in an angry Mexican voice, which was the most VILE fucking sound that I had ever heard.
Then Bard the fucking green dragon puppet BURST out of the exhaust and yelled "YO, Y'ALL GOT ANY MALBORO CIGARETTES?" before the fuckin' Red-Eared dog puppet came BLASTING out of a fucking manhole with a fuckin' block of C4 in its mouth.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. Attack of the FUCKIN' Baby Einstein Puppets? At this point, I was convinced that whoever created Toy Story Ü in the first place had been deeply traumatized by fucking Baby Einstein Puppets as a child.
The cow puppet then appeared carrying a fuckin' noose as two more puppets started pushing a MASSIVE fuckin' guillotine out of the woods to execute the family with.
The kid playing Garfield on the DS started nervously farting repeatedly until one of the puppets started SCREAMING at him to stop because the woods were starting to smell like a fuckin' Taco Bell.
All of the sudden, Garfield himself appeared holding a plate of nuclear fuckin' lasagna, which irradiated the puppets and killed them.
Garfield then bowed, said "Namaste" in a monk-like voice, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
The family started driving again like none of that had even fuckin' happened, and the scene changed.
Wh-what?
What?
After this we see Barbie and Ken enjoying a nice dinner together.
Did you say "Oh, no" just now? Are you just WAITING in anticipation for this scene to be interrupted by something HORRIFYING?
Well, it wasn't. Barbie and Ken just had dinner and talked about life and stuff. I mean, I literally watched them eat their entire meal, which took like half an hour, but other than that, this was pretty nice as far as Toy Story Ü was concerned.
Barbie and Ken were still pretty fuckin' weird in these movies, but at least they had a stable relationship, unlike whatever the FUCK the abusive friend dynamic Woody and Buzz were going through was.
Ken even asked Barbie's permission for something when they saw a birthday cake being carried to some kid's table. Barbie agreed to whatever the fuck it was Ken wanted to do, and then he abruptly BURST out of the fuckin' cake at supersonic fuckin' speed and yelled "YÓ, ANYONE ORDER A STRIPPER?" while throwing his toy clothes off to some shitty.....stripper music. Everyone screamed and the one of the wait staff picked Ken up and threw him.
*Sigh*
Really?
They were just re-using fuckin' jokes now?
Suddenly, the song "Crawling in My Skin" by Linkin Park began to play as the scene was immediately interrupted by an uncomfortably loud video of Number 5 from the Umbrella Academy pulling his pants down and SCREAMING as he took a fat shit straight down the toilet with such ferocity that it BURST back out of the water and all over the walls and ceiling. The shit-splosion kept replaying from multiple different camera angles like it was a fucking strike in Wii Sports Bowling as the caption "FIVE CRAPPING" appeared in large Impact Font like an old-school meme.
Number 5? More like Number 2, if you ask me.
Lightning Mc-Fuckin'-Queen then SMASHED through the fuckin' wall in slow motion to Mozart's Requiem as Number 5 teleported off the toilet and screamed again.
McQueen then collided with the toilet, drenching himself in shit. A video game-style message telling me I had unlocked "Shitty McQueen" appeared.
We see like 2 seconds of gameplay where someone is using "Shitty McQueen" in what looked like Cars 2: The Video Game, but Tokyo Mater yelled "HHRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!" and the game fuckin' crashed.
We then see Woody. When the fuck are we not seeing Woody? We're always fucking seeing Woody. I'm gonna start seeing Woody in my nightmares. THAT'S where I'LL be fuckin' seeing Woody.
Suddenly, Buzz BURST through the roof and started firing missiles n' shit as "Yeah" by Usher and Lil' John played.
"Buzz, you're really starting to become a pain in the fuckin' Ü" said Woody.
"Enough with this Ü shit, Woody." Buzz said. "If one more FUCKIN' Ü passes your FUCKING toy lips, I will shoot you."
Woody just laughed.
"Don't you mean 'I will shoot Ü', partner?" he said, and so Buzz unloaded like 5 fucking rockets straight into Woody's face.
Oh shit! Was Woody dead? Did Buzz just fuckin' kill Woody?
Unsurprisingly, no, Woody wasn't fuckin' dead, and he was holding a fuckin' Captain America shield to block Buzz's missiles, except the shield had a big fuckin' Ü on it.
"Looks like I'm Captain Ü now, partner."
Buzz then looked into the screen and said "Fuck Disney." Alright, alright, I got it already, this was made by Dreamworks because they wanted to make a fuckin' Toy Story Movie, and they didn't like Disney, so they put anti-Disney shit in the movie, just like they did in fuckin' Shrek, even though Toy Story is also made by Pixar. They could've made Buzz say "Fuck Pixar", but noooooo, they had to go for the head honcho. Honestly, I'd be kind of offended if I were a Pixar employee. All this work on the original Toy Story movies and not even a "fuck you" from Dreamworks in acknowledgement? Damn, that's kinda rough.
The movie then briefly displayed an image of Mickey Mouse with evil slanted Pac-Man eyes wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights. Again, I got the point, but this was just REALLY fuckin' excessive.
Buzz Lightyear then started twerking his plastic ass and firing missiles out of the secret ass slot. This was a nice callback to the original Toy Story Ü, I guess. Only real Toy Story Ü fans remember. Is there even such a thing as Toy Story Ü fans? Did anyone actually ENJOY this shit?
Woody started breakdancing to "SAD!" by XXXTENTACION as Buzz's missiles flew by before doing several flips through the air and smacking Buzz in the face with a MASSIVE brass letter Ü.
This was the last straw for Buzz, who pulled out a comically large spoon and SMASHED Woody so fucking hard he exploded into spoon emojis.
"You could dodge the missiles, Woody, but you couldn't dodge the spøøn." Buzz said.
Finally, this sick, demented version of Woody was gone.
But suddenly, the ground started glowing a really fuckin' gross shade of blue-ish green. Seriously, the fuck even WAS that color? Fuckin' puke?
Then, Buzz Lightyear's arch-nemesis, Zurg, ERUPTED out of the fucking ground holding a MASSIVE staff.
"Ü SHALL NOT PASS!" Zurg SHOUTED at Buzz as he SLAMMED his staff into the ground.
Zurg then started fuckin' zoning out as he began to go on some demented tangent about how OJ Simpson was actually responsible for the death of Princess Diana.
Ok, seriously, what the fuck?
Buzz fuckin' SMASHED into Zurg with the force of a fuckin' train and screamed "WHOOOOOOOOO!", then Zurg turned around, called Buzz a quote "fucking incel" and started rapping some fuckin' Quavo song.
"Hey, Buzz, what is a skeleton's favorite snack?" Zurg asked.
"Zurg, what the fuck? I don't know. What IS a skeleton's favorite snack?" Buzz asked.
"SPARE RIBS, DUMBASS!" Zurg SCREAMED as he fuckin' suplexed Buzz. Buzz then opened another secret compartment in his ass and started taking some kind of fuckin' pills before he suddenly got WAY stronger (probably thanks to the pills) and fuckin' SMASHED Zurg's head in, destroying his stupid-ass horns.
"Yo, knock the shit out, Buzz!" Zurg said as he started clutching his crotch.
"Zurg, why the FUCK are you doing that?" Buzz asked.
"I gotta pee, dude! Seriously!" said Zurg, and so Zurg took a thick purple piss straight off the fucking dresser he and Buzz were fighting on.
"Dude, why the fuck is your piss purple?" Buzz asked.
"Because I piss LEAN!" Zurg SCREAMED. Apparently whoever made this movie thought I wanted to see Zurg PISSIN' purple drank down the side of someone's fuckin' dresser, but I didn't. I really FUCKING didn't.
Buzz then responded by saying "Wow, that sure is something, Zurg! Why, back at Star Command, we call that a "piss-a-shitto-tronic-fuck-a-fuck-a-FUCK-a-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-hee-ho-pissy-doodle-piss-piss-potcha-hoo-"
That was FUCKING IT.
I closed the computer I was watching the film on, picked it up, and fucking drop-kicked it. That FUCKING PC went careening through the motherfuckin' wall, into my next door neighbor's apartment, then 5 apartments down.
My friend, you need to get the FUCK away from Toy Story Ü. Seriously, it's for your own good. I thought it was done last time. It should've been. But it wasn't. And now you know. So just get the fuck away from it.
But, y'know,
You still got a friend in me, partner.
Credited to Chimichangar
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