Toy Story: The Tenth One
Toy Story: The Tenth One (Toy Story Ü 6: Because Fuck Ü)
Let's not kid ourselves. You wanted this to happen, didn't you? You wanted there to be another Toy Story Ü movie out there somewhere. You wanted to hear me suffer once again just to fuel your desire for endless entertainment. No matter how many Toy Story Ü movies there are, it will never, EVER be enough for any of you, WILL IT? WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET TO REST, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES? WHEN??? HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO HEAR ABOUT A MOTHERFUCKING POTATO AND A COWBOY DOING HEINOUS, REPREHENSIBLE, DEROGATORY, SCANDALOUS SHIT? HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE DISTURBED? WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE, FUCKING MASSOCHISTS? SERIOUSLY, IF SOMEONE PUT A MOTHERFUCKING GUN UP TO YOUR FUCKING HEAD, WOULD YOU SAY "shoot me, as long as the bullet says "toy story ü 6" on it"? THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING PEOPLE SOUND LIKE. THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE FUCKING PUSHED ME TO.
WELL I'M SURE YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT THERE IS INDEED ANOTHER FUCKING TOY STORY Ü MOVIE.
You knew it wasn't over. You knew there was more to this fucking story and you just couldn't wait. Those motherFUCKERS at Pixar got the fucking Toy Story Ü rights back from Dreamworks and tried to blame Dreamworks for the existence of the entire series. Honestly, it was genius. Selling the rights to these horrible movies to a rival studio under the table, then blaming that studio for the existence of every single one. Who would know better?
The answer is me, of course. I would know better, considering I'm basically the fucking expert on Toy Story Ü at this point. Can't exactly put THAT on a job resume, but it WOULD be pretty damn funny.
In an attempt to clear their name completely, Pixar made a 6th Toy Story Ü movie filled with anti-Disney shit so that people would believe Dreamworks made it, and it is the most horrifying FUCKING Ü movie of them ALL.
The film opened on the Dreamworks Logo for about 10 seconds before what looked like a fucking avant-garde Nyan Cat SLAMMED into it and took the fuckin' logo out. The thing was fuckin' horrifying. It had a fucking hand where one of its eyes should be that was pulling apart the left side of its fucking face like clay, and it's mouth was frozen open in an eternal silent scream, like a Picasso painting.
Then an EXTREMELY deep voice said
"I have been waiting for this for a long, long time"
as a massive grey hand tore the fucking screen away like a piece of paper and the movie began panning up to show Darkseid (pronounced like "Dark Side") from DC Comics menacingly staring into the screen.
What.
The.
Fuck.
"I grow weary of this fuckin' Ü." Darkseid said. "I must destroy it at once."
Seriously, his voice was so fucking deep that it sounded like he was burping every word.
Darkseid opened a portal to Earth and walked through as the fucking Imperial March played. Seriously? Fucking SERIOUSLY? They couldn't give him his own villain theme? Man, fuck this SHIT.
We suddenly cut to Earth, where Buzz was still smacking the FUCK out of Zurg.
I swear, every time Zurg got hit, the film briefly cut to an image of a green Chewbacca eating a box of Dots. Was I fuckin' losing it? What the fuck was going on?
Then Jack fucking Black appeared from out of nowhere and yelled "I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS, JOHN!"
Why was Jack Black here? And who the FUCK was John?
Buzz then started spinning around as green peas began erupting out of his ass and all over Zurg.
"What the FUCK, man?" yelled Zurg, to which Buzz responded by pulling out a human-sized knife and cutting Zurg in half.
What I saw next, however, shocked me.
Zurg started fucking coming back to life right then and there.
Buzz suddenly then tripped backwards, fell onto a piano, and began literally blending into the sheet music. Chords and SHIT started smacking Buzz in the face as the notes in the music slowly began to turn into anrgy screaming Buzz heads. The name of the piece suddenly changed to "Adagio in Q Major" by Donald Trump as a loud, splitting fart noise rang out and the fuckin' piano exploded, shooting Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's dead, decaying corpse into the air to the sound of a live audience screaming and laughing like it was a fucking Friends episode.
Ross from Friends then appeared with fucking gold coins in place of his eyes and started ranting and raving about how the Bank of America is his favorite Mediterranean restaurant before a singing Nintendo Wii with eyes and a FUCKING mouth appeared and shot POOP out of the disk tray, triggering Ross's morbid shit allergy and causing Buzz to leap into the air and explode repeatedly into smaller and smaller little FUCKING explosions.
WHAT the FFFFFFFFUCK did I just witness? Whatever tiny semblance of a plot these movies had had before was completely gone now. This was complete and utter tripe. Bollocks, me phoockin' wankers- what the FUCKING HELL? Am *I* going crazy? Are YOU? Maybe you're the fuckin' maniac here. Maybe none of this is fucking real.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK PISS ASS SHIT CUM FUCK PISS ASS SHIT TITS. You're the gec you're the gec you're the gec YOU'RE THE GEC YOU'RE THE GEC YOU'RE THE FUCKING GEC. THE FUCKIN' ONE HUNDRETH GEC.
Y'know, I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and I just couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't stop laughing at the thought of all the shitty Chinese food I had last night coming back up and spraying all over her. Wanton surprise, motha fucka. Do you think dumplings taste better before or after they've been SHIT OUT? The world may never know.
By the way, I fucking HATE Joss Whedon. FUCK that guy. Do you remember when the Joker stuck his face through the door in The Shining and yelled "I'm Mr. Moon?" That was pretty funny. If Joss Whedon were a sandwich, I'd cut his fucking crust off.
And honestly, Princeton is a SHIT school. Don't send your fuckin' kids there. Debt. Debt crushes Americans every day. Do you really want to be paying debt to FUCKING PRINCETON? I wonder what you'll pay more for? Will it be the tuition or the FUCKING DRUGS, DRUGGO? Sorry, I shouldn't assume. I watched Harold and Kumar once and think I know everything about Princeton now. I don't.
You know what I do know everything about? Toy Story Ü. Have you heard the song "Return of the Mack" before? No? Well go listen to it, but replace every instance of "Mack" with "Ü" and maybe, just maybe, you'll begin to be able to understand what EVERY WAKING MOMENT IN MY LIFE FEELS LIKE. I HATE TOY STORY Ü. I FUCKING HATE IT. THESE MOVIES WERE A MISTAKE AND THEY'VE RUINED BELOVED CHARACTERS.
Do you know what fish and cheese have in common? NOTHING, dipSHHHIT!
Return of the fuck.
Where even was I?
Right. We see Woody.
- Sigh*
If I have to type the words "we see Woody" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a bomb up my ass.
Woody was standing on top of a laundry basket idly scribbling the letter Ü in magic marker all over the clothes in the basket.
He seemed to be....humming to himself.
"Ü, Ü Ü Ü, Ü, ÜÜÜÜÜÜ" Woody hummed to some weird tune before looking into the camera.
"Oh. Hello, partner. I didn't see Ü there. Haven't Ü ever wondered why us toys don't ever seem to......die?"
Well, yeah, I actually was pretty curious about exactly that.
"It's the Ü, partner. The Ü is our life force. The Ü is our essence. The Ü sustains us. When a toy dies, or, as I like to say, 'bites the fuckin' Ü', the Ü eventually brings that toy back to life."
To demonstrate, Woody pulled out a gun and fucking shot himself. Almost instantly, weird fuckin' white particles started swirling around his body and brought the fucker back to life.
"Do Ü finally understand now, partner? Do Ü understand what the Ü is?"
Before anything else could happen, a fuckin' portal opened above Woody's head and Darkseid came CRASHING through, landing on Woody and splintering him into like 500 fuckin' little yellow pieces.
"WHERE IS THE Ü?" Darkseid SCREAMED.
Woody reappeared behind Darkseid with his Panzerfaust 3 and tried to shoot him, but Darkseid effortlessly picked up Woody and fucking annihilated him all over again.
"You know, partner, Ü are really starting to piss me off." said Woody as he summoned the fuckin' Crucible Sword from DOOM and fuckin' sliced Darkseid in half.
"No one can destroy the Ü, partner." said Woody.
We then see a flashback scene.
The- Oh, fuck no.
The Potato Head Wedding Anniversary.
We see Mrs. Potato Head in a beautiful field with flowers everywhere making a trail.
A trail to some fucking dilapidated shed.
"Come inside, honey!" rang out the voice of Mr. Potato Head.
Mr. Potato Head was sitting in a wreath of flowers.
Beautiful cinematic music began to play.
"Honey, I shouldn't have ever cheated on you." He began.
"I'll never do it again, I swear. I promise yo-"
Mrs. Potato Head flipped the light switch on.
Suddenly, a fucking crowd of hookers BURST down the doors whilst twerking at Mrs. Potato Head. The loudest, most obscene rap song I had EVER heard began to play as fucking confetti erupted from the ceiling.
"OH, FUCK!" Mr. Potato Head screamed with TERROR.
A conga line of strippers burst into the shed followed by 50 bags of cocaine.
"WHAT THE FUCK, you DICK?" Mrs. Potato Head SCREAMED.
"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FLIP THE FUCKIN' SWITCH!" hollered Mr. Potato Head.
"Who WAS supposed to flip the fuckin' switch, you SON OF A BITCH?"
"ME! After your SKANK ASS LEFT!" retorted Mr. Potato Head with ferocity.
I was horrified.
What was with the depiction of Mr. Potato Head as some fucking FIEND?
Then, Mrs. Potato Head did the unthinkable.
She picked up a fucking detonator.
"I'M BURNING THIS SHIT DOWN, YOU HANKFUCK!"
What the HELL was a "hank fuck" anyway?
"HOLY SHIT, HONEY, NO!" Mr. Potato Head screamed.
Suddenly, a loud FUCKING beeping started playing as a computerized voice said "We interrupt this broadcast to give you the most important video known to man".
The opening of the children's language learning program Muzzy then appeared at an ass-rippingly loud volume.
We open on Muzzy on the beach. He was just kinda sitting there, with what looked like dried blood all over him. One of the first things I noticed was that this was definitely more modern animation. The movement was much cleaner, and the art style was strangely resemblant of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. I was expecting a logo to appear any minute, but instead, the screen blacked out to the fucking Wii Glitch noise and the words "Muzzy vs. Mental Health" appeared in yellow comic sans.
What the fuck? Muzzy vs. Mental Health?
We suddenly cut to what appeared to be a scene from 'The Purge'. I thought whoever was controlling this broadcast must have accidentally switched the video or something.
This was not the case.
Suddenly, several men in Corvax masks (y'know, Corvax the Muzzy character) with creepy black eyes appeared and started setting a fucking car on fire to some HORRIBLE Indian rap song.
That wasn't supposed to be in 'The Purge'.
I heard distant snickering as the scene changed back to animation.
We see Corvax, but it was a HORRIFICALLY racist charicature of an Asian Corvax with slanted eyes and massive teeth. He looked like he had a permanent smile stuck on his face as he came dancing out to the Siamese Cat song from Lady and the Tramp.
He started singing along, but it was barely understandable. It sounded like he was singing in made up toddler screech SHIT.
I could have sworn the scene was randomly changing from animation to a guy in a suit, as sometimes he would scream a random Chinese word and his face would look incredibly plastic. He started laughing like a fucking Muppet and yelling something in Spanish as tacos rained from the screen and he emerged from the taco pile with a sombrero and maracas as some shitty Mexican horn music played.
What the fuck?
Muzzy then appeared in FULL JoJo style, eating clocks at a rapid speed as fuckin' Giorno's Theme played. Suddenly, he SPAT out one of the clocks as the background changed to a real life nuclear bomb exploding and "Bless us All" from A Muppet Christmas Carol began playing in a minor key.
Muzzy began to read off the Wikipedia pages of several horrific real-life events as the screen turned red.
What was this shit? Was this someone's idea of a sick joke? Or did someone at BBC just lose their fucking marbles and make this pile of steaming ass fat?
We see the Queen, but she's on one of those shows about basically being too fat to live. We see her try to get in bed before it breaks everywhere.
"FUCK!" she yelled. "KING! GET THE FUCK IN HERE, I JUST BROKE THE FUCKING BED!"
The King walked in muttering "Shit!" over and over again under his breath.
The sudden swearing caught me off guard. This was fucking Muzzy for crying out loud.
We then see a picture of what looked like fucking Bob Marely with a massive joint in his mouth before the scene cut to Silvia doing a triple backflip and saying "Ah yes, I am beauty incarnate. I am a narcissist."
Bob, or Juan, appeared, and said "I am the master of time itself" in an obviously computerized voice.
Corvax appeared and began ranting about his incredibly high IQ in Chinese.
Why the fuck was Corvax Chinese?
We then see Muzzy getting in a car with the rest of the cast. The animation and art style suddenly changed to the classic look.
Muzzy pulled out a map and said in a rather average American male voice "Alright, where we goin for food?"
One by one, everyone in the car said McDonald's until it got to Corvax.
"P.F. Chang's." said Corvax in barely understandable dialect. The audio quality of the part was really loud and shitty.
Muzzy turned the car off, started talking in a voice that was so fucking distorted I couldn't even make out what he was saying, and then, the camera cut to a real car with a guy in a Corvax suit getting smashed through the power door.
Chinese credits rolled.
What.....the fuck?
Woody then appeared on-screen and said
"Did Ü enjoy that, partner?"
No. No I FUCKING didn't.
The next scene was Barbie and Ken talking about how their fucking thumbs looked like the little Among Us guy.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Ken then hid in a fucking trashcan just to burst out of it and yell "YO, WHEN THE STRIPPER IS SUS!"
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
Then, there was a scene of Rex the Dinosaur giving a fucking PSA on how many dinosaurs are year are murdered to make dino chicken nuggets. He went on and ON on this fucking DIATRIBE about shit I just did NOT fuckin' care about before fucking shilling for a fruit chews company at the end.
The next scene was just Eminem rapping but every word was "Ü", followed by an edited scene from IT where Pennywise turns into Buzz Lightyear and dropkicks an elderly man.
My computer suddenly took a fucking picture of me as Woody walked out and started scribbling tattoos and facial hair and shit onto my face.
As usual, I was in utter FUCKING SHOCK. I have seriously FUCKING had it with this TOY SHIT.
We then cut to a random scene of Forky, the toy from Toy Story 4, BURSTING into a live production of Hamilton and rapping about sticking your fingers up a cat's ass.
Suddenly, this creepy-ass red smoke started filling the screen as Marquis De Lafayette started maliciously grinning, pulled out a computer, and began to read off the credit card data of hundreds of Disney+ subscribers while more horror music played.
Hercules Mulligan started repeatedly slamming Lafayette's head into the computer to try and make him stop, but it was too late.
A guy in a HUGE Mickey Mouse suit came SMASHING through the back wall like the fuckin' Kool-Aid-Man, grabbed Lafayette, and dragged him off stage.
We see King George 3 from Hamilton, but instead of his normal robes, he was wearing what looked like Homer Simpson's dead body as he strolled onto stage.
He started trying to sing, but his voice sounded extremely deep and gruff, like he'd been smoking for 20 years or something. He got like one line into his song before he lurched over the stage and vomited straight into the audience. Someone screamed. He then started wobbling around and slurring his speech like he was fucking drunk before finally getting on all fours and barking like a dog at the audience.
Thomas Jefferson then came leaping onto the stage yelling "BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEEP!" and running around with a shopping cart. King George looked straight at him and told him to quote "Knock that the fuck off", but Jefferson just kept doing it. He wouldn't stop. He just kept fucking doing it for what felt like half of a human lifetime.
King George then yelled "MISS THIS, ASSHOLE!", whipped out an AK-47, and gunned Jefferson down before singing another weird song about alternate timelines and Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
This was the interrupted by Woody appearing and gunning everybody down.
Woody then started chanting in some horrible backwards Latin as a massive fucking letter "Ü" came crashing down from the sky, resurrecting everyone immediately.
"Do Ü see the power of the Ü, partner?" Woody said as he looked straight into the screen.
Then Darkseid reappeared out of nowhere, bitch-slapped Woody out of the way, grabbed the fuckin' Ü, and broke that SHIT in half.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Woody SHRIEKED at the pitch of a little girl as Darkseid walked over and stomped Woody's fucking head off.
This time, Woody didn't come back to life.
The nightmare was finally fucking over. The Ü was no more.
Buzz Lightyear then appeared with a fucking pink lightsaber and started trying to duel with Darkseid, but Darkseid killed him easily. Mr. Potato Head showed up in a massive armored truck and yelled "OH, SHIT. OH, YEAH!" but Darkseid destroyed the fuckin' truck and the potato within.
One by one, Darkseid destroyed every single one of the toys until the legacy of Toy Story Ü was finally at an end.
I breathed a sigh of relief so FUCKING strong I accidentally unclenched my bladder and pissed all over my computer monitor. Those fucking demonic toys were finally dead for real.
"It is done." Darkseid said.
But just as he was about to leave, the fucking BLUE GOAT PUPPET FROM BABY FUCKIN' EINSTEIN CAME CRASHING THROUGH THE FUCKIN' WINDOW AND SCREAMED.
The Blue Goat puppet launched a fuckin' shoop-da-mothafuckin'-woop-ass mouth laser at Darkseid, nearly killing him.
Suddenly, the fucking fuck puppet- I mean DICK puppet- I mean DUCK PUPPET appeared and loudly proclaimed "there's some whores in the house" before Darkseid fuckin' screamed and shot an Omega beam straight at the goat puppet's laser blast, creating a massive explosion that destroyed Darkseid, the puppets, and everything else in a 500 mile radius.
I was expecting another scene, but all that appeared was a still image that said "The End".
The end.
Finally.
Now, go home and stop asking about the next Toy Story Ü. The story's over, kiddo. Go outside...or some shit like that.
Credited to Chimichangar
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