Toy Story Ü β: Beta Worldline
In the timeline you know, the story of Toy Story Ü came to an end. The powerful Ü, the essence of the toys' very existence, had been destroyed. There was no possible way for their existence to continue, and in your world, the sacred timeline, so it remains that way.
But time is not just a linear path. In the vast multiverse, there exists a world where the Ü was never destroyed, and this story lived on to tell another chapter.
This is the story of the Beta Worldline.
The Sixth Toy Story Ü movie I watched never ended.
The toys killed Darkseid, and saved the Ü, and then it just....never stopped. It kept going. I couldn't turn it off by any normal means. I think I had a mental breakdown. All I know is that I ended up in a hospital for a long time, but it hasn't solved the problem. The Sixth Ü is gone, but there's more.
I don't even know how these movies are continuing. It isn't making sense anymore. I'm not finding them on shady websites, or seeing them in an email. They're just....appearing. One minute I'll look away from my computer, and the next, the link is just....there. I don't know how. Maybe I got a computer virus somewhere along the way. Maybe I've just completely lost my mind and none of this is even real. Maybe it was never real.
I get the feeling something isn't right. That it isn't supposed to be this way. That somewhere else, in another life, Darkseid destroyed the Ü and everything finished like it was supposed to. But not wherever I am now. Not here. Not for me.
Will this ever FUCKING end?
There's a Toy Story Ü movie on my computer right now, my dear viewer. One that I've never seen before. And since perhaps the only purpose I know that I have in this life is to tell you what it contains, so I will tell you again.
We open on Woody sitting at a table FURIOUSLY writing addresses down on packages to the intense part of the song "Dream On" by Aerosmith. There was no buildup to this scene, it just immediately started at full intensity, and the song was loud as FUCK. If they had showed this in a theatre, the audience would probably would've gone fucking deaf.
Woody looked pissed with an inhuman rage. His grimace was so fierce it went up to his fucking nose, and his eyebrows were furrowed down over his eyes to the point he looked like the fuckin' Swedish Chef. He was putting fuckin' bombs into the packages and mailing them to various random fuckin' people.
Great. Literally 1 minute in and already Woody's the fuckin' Unabomber.
This was unceremoniously interrupted a creepy-ass wooden puppet of George fuckin' Gershwin that came dancing out onto the screen.
The fuck?
The Gershwin puppet then unhinged his jaw and vomited fuckin' whole meatballs everywhere.
The word "Ok" then faded into the screen.
We then cut to Slinky Dog in a fuckin' jungle somewhere watching some gorilla beat the everloving shit out of another gorilla.
"Yes! YES! YES!" Slinky SCREAMED as Gorilla A picked Gorilla B up by the fuckin' legs and hurled Gorilla B into a tree, causing like 5 other trees to collapse as well as some stupid fuckin' birds' nest.
Some Chinese guy came out of nowhere to explain how peace is always the answer, not violence, but his head exploded.
We then cut to real life footage of a guy trying to pet some morbidly obese Golden Retriever who rolled over and promptly pissed right into the guy's face.
The next bit appeared to be a recreation of the movie "American Psycho", but with Mr. Potato Head as "Patrick Potateman." We see Mr. Potato Head going to work and talking to his yuppie business buddies, who were all still regular humans.
"Hey Ron, look at my business card." said one of the other guys, Paul.
"Very professional, Paul. Have a look at this." said Ron as he pulled out his own business card.
"That's nice, Ron, but look at this". said Mr. Potato Head as he reached for *his* card.
Ron looked frustrated. "I haven't even shown mine ye-"
"That's nice, Ron, but look at this." Mr. Potato Head said again as he shoved his card in Ron's face.
"Alright man, c'mon." said Ron. "Knock it o-"
"That's nice, Ron, but look at THIS!" Mr. Potato Head abruptly YELLED as he pulled out a fucking gun and blew Ron's brains out across the room.
This abruptly cut to the scene later where "Patrick Potateman" goes to dinner with Paul Allen, secretly planning to kill him.
"Is that Ivana Trump?" Mr. Potato Head said as he gestured to a fucking scarecrow that was sitting at one of the restaurant tables.
"No, Patrick, that's a scarecrow." retorted Paul.
We then see Paul not so subtly trying to slip medications into Mr. Potato Head's dinner. Clearly, he thought the guy fucking needed some meds, and so did I if we're being completely honest.
The two ate their meal in relative silence for a few minutes until Mr. Potato Head loudly muttered "Why does my chicken taste like Xanax?"
Time itself seemed to enter slow motion as Mr. Potato Head slowly peeled apart his chicken to find tiny pieces of the pills Paul had put there. Mr. Potato Head unleashed the longest, most ridiculously fucking drawn-out gasp I had ever heard as he looked up at Paul with EXTREME disappointment.
"NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!" Mr. Potato Head screamed like he was the fuckin' Riddler in the 2022 Batman movie as INTENSELY suspenseful music played. "OHHHHHH FUCK! FUCK! OH FUCK NO!"
Mr. Potato Head then looked at Paul, muttered "rosebud", and fuckin' exploded all over the restaurant.
I heard the soft *clink* of his plastic eyes hitting the fucking wall as Paul tried to clean the bits of potato off the table and from his shirt and hair.
Paul started having a fuckin' panic attack and passed out, loudly SMACKING his head on the table which caused him to wake up and scream for all of two seconds before he SMACKED it again on the floor and fuckin' died.
This then cut to Mitt Romney giving a speech about absolutely fucking nothing for 12 minutes. I have never heard a less coherent speech in my entire fucking life. I genuinely do not know what the FUCK he was trying to say, other than that he cremated his dead dog last week and was trying to run his car with the ashes instead of gas. I don't know who the fuck uses dead dog ashes to run their car, but apparently, Mitt Romney does.
It didn't get any better when Jared fuckin' Leto showed up in hideous makeup and started explaining why I should join his spooky-ass fuckin' cult as well as watch his new movie Morbius.
Jared Leto played Paul Allen in American Psycho, by the way. He also played Paul Allen in the horrifying Potato Head clips I just described. Why the fuck did he agree to this? Was his career really going THAT far down the FUCKIN' drain?
The entire fucking Morbius movie then began playing on my PC, but it was in literal fucking 1p quality and I couldn't tell what the fuck was going on. It literally looked like about 5 pixels changing color and moving across the screen.
I tried turning my PC off, but it went to the installing updates screen, got stuck at 69%, and then started playing some scene from the show "Succession" that for some reason involved a horrifically realistic Sulley from Monsters Inc. with beady black eyes bursting into the office with an assault rifle and fucking killing everyone.
The next scene was horrific ground footage from fucking Ukraine in the midst of the Russian invasion. We see the fucking Green Army Men (yes &, the Toy Story ones) fucking SCREAMING at the top of their plastic lungs as a fucking massive tank rolled right towards them and crushed then all to bits.
A fucking sock Puppet of Vladmir Putin then appeared and pissed all over everything. Before you ask how sock puppets piss, I'm gonna stop you right there. You don't wanna know.
This scene then randomly gave way to extremely fat people having sex.
I almost threw up. I'm sorry but it was fucking disgusting. I really don't wanna offend anyone here, but I was beyond relieved when the fucking scene changed.
The next scene was of Forky from Toy Story 4 being picked up and stuck into a fucking outlet, causing a massive graphic fucking explosion.
Forky, who had been turned completely black by the explosion, picked up a fucking boombox, began dribbling a basketball, and started rapping.
Really? The whole joke was Forky becoming black? That felt a little insensitive, if you ask me.
We then see Ludwig van Beethoven fucking smacking his head into a wall over and over again. The wall turned into sheet music, which Beethoven suddenly sat down at a fucking computer and posted to fucking Reddit.
This made no sense, because Ludwig van Beethoven died exactly 178 years, 2 months, 28 days, 3 hours, 22 minutes and 56 seconds before Reddit was founded.
Woody then appeared again with Rex the Dinosaur.
Rex looked HORRIBLE. His jaw was falling off and one of his arms had been replaced with a fucking straw for some reason.
"Hey, partner." said Woody as he turned towards Rex. "Do Ü wanna see a magic trick?"
Rex nodded his head enthusiastically, and so Woody snapped his fingers and somehow magically repaired Rex to his regular state.
"Wow! Thanks, Woody! I really feel better!" said Rex.
Suddenly Woody began unrolling a massive banner with the Pfizer logo on it.
"That's great, partner! And Ü know what would make Ü feel even better? Getting vaccinated against COVID-19!"
THE SCENE THEN FROZE AS JOE BIDEN WALKED OUT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN.
"Hi, folks." said Biden. "It's really important that we get everyone vaccinated against the poop pox."
A fucking cane came out from the side of the screen and dragged Biden away as the sound of someone yelling at him could be heard far away.
Biden then walked back out.
"Excuse me. It's really important that we get everyone vaccinated against COVID-19. Now back in my day, the hair on my legs used to-"
Biden's head fuckin' exploded.
Donald Trump then appeared, but a rocket trumpeted out of his ass and everything burst into smithereens.
Alright, well that was weird, and felt politically motivated, although I'm not exactly sure who it was motivated by. I don't know what the fucking any of this is supposed to mean, honestly. There was no substance to any of this. There was no meaning. It was just an assortment of clips that simply.....existed.
We see Twitch, the weird bug guy, who was really living up to his name. He kept shaking violently and screaming "GOTTA FIND MY PILLS! GOTTA FIND MY PILLS!" as he frantically kept grabbing at items on a desk and knocking them over, none of which were actually his pills.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" he SCREAMED as he flipped the entire desk over and started having a fucking seizure.
This was abruptly interrupted by very realistic footage of somebody cooking. It was literally just some random woman making dinner for her family. She was putting a bunch of vegetables into a pot, like tomatoes and carrots and stuff.
Suddenly, she picked up the Peas in a Pod from Toy Story 3, who started screaming "OH NO! OHHHH NO! PUT US DOWN! PUT US DOWN!"
The woman did not seem to be able to hear the peas.
"PUT US DOWN, PLEASE!", they screamed again, but the woman still could not hear them.
"I SAID PUT US THE FUCK DOWN, YOU FAT FUCKIN' CUNT!" one of the peas SCREECHED in an Irish accent as a loud censor bleep played to cover up his usage of the c-word, but didn't manage to actually prevent it from being heard.
THIS caught the woman's attention, who immediately put the peas down, walked over to her husband, and started smacking the shit out of him.
"What the FUCK did you just call me, Robert?" she HOWLED.
"The FUCK?" Robert screamed. "I DIDN'T SAY SHIT! I'VE BEEN READING THE NEWSPAPER! IN SILENCE!"
This randomly cut to exactly 3 seconds of Stretch the Octopus floating in a toilet.
"Oh hi!" he began to say as the scene cut out.
We then finally see Buzz Lightyear. Buzz looked tired, and had somehow grown 5-o-clock shadow. He was sitting on a shelf somewhere that looked kind of familiar, but I couldn't exactly place why.
"I'm gonna fuckin' kill Woody." Buzz announced suddenly.
"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm actually gonna fucking do it." Buzz started erratically muttering to himself as he opened a gun cabinet with shaking hands and pulled out a rifle that was much bigger than he was.
Suddenly, Zurg opened the door.
"Zurg, if you don't get out of my way, I'm going to fucking kill you. Now I'm not talking no monkey business this time. There's not gonna be any cartoony fighting. I'm not gonna use any goofy-ass beams or any weak-ass punches or anything like that. What I am going to do is take this motherfucking gun and I'm going to commit an actual fucking murder." said Buzz forcefully.
Zurg looked shocked. "What the fuck, man? We're toys! This entire rivalry is about us being toys and doing toy shit. Not grabbing real-ass guns out of the fuckin' cabinet and killing each other! Now come on, let's have a toy fight!" Zurg said as he whipped out his comically oversized toy canon.
Buzz sighed and promptly shot Zurg with his fucking gun.
Pieces of Zurg went fucking flying everywhere as the bullet ruptured his entire body. I mean the fucker just burst into smithereens.
Buzz then walked out the door, seemingly unphased by having just taken a life, and went to find Woody.
We see Woody sitting in a fucking fish tank. He had earbuds in, the wires of which were connected to an iPod that was sitting on top of the tank. I don't know what he was listening to, before you ask, but it was probably rap, the music of violence.
Buzz suddenly BURST through the wall behind Woody and knocked the iPod straight into the fuckin' fish tank, causing Woody's shitty music to shit out.
"What the fuck are Ü doing, partner?" Woody said.
"Getting even, you Wild West Wanker." Buzz said as he pointed his gun directly at Woody's head.
"Buzz, you need to calm the fuck do-"
Buzz shot Woody straight in the fucking face before he could finish.
Just like with Zurg, tiny bits of Woody went sailing across the room as graphic blood started spewing out of Woody's face for some reason, followed by what looked like black piss and the Venom symbiote from Marvel.
"BUZZ YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Woody screamed with whatever was left of his face. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"No, Woody. *I'm* going to kill *you*." said Buzz as he shot Woody in the face again, causing his head to explode completely.
"Holy fucking shit, I did it. I DID IT YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD, I FUCKING DID IT!" Buzz started SCREAMING as he jumped around and whooped like a fuckin' schoolgirl.
Buzz started fucking fapping over Woody's dead fucking corpse before a massive portal suddenly opened behind him and out stepped....
Out stepped Gru from Despicable Me.
"Who in the world are you?" Buzz asked irritably.
Gru sighed.
"My name is Felonius Gru. I don't know how to tell you this, but this universe is not supposed to exist. When I destroyed the Gru Variance Authority, which turned out to actually be the Everything Variance Authority, I accidentally unleashed every possible timeline in the multiverse. That means that whatever this Ü thing of yours is was able to still exist in an alternate timeline."
Gru then looked directly at ME. He wasn't just looking towards the screen, he was fucking. Looking. At me.
"It's why you're here too. I'm sorry this timeline ever existed at all."
What the FUCK? How did the actions of some cartoon character have an effect on real life?
Gru returned to looking at Buzz. "This is the alternate timeline. It shouldn't exist. I'm sorry, Buzz Lightyear. But now I must fix the accident I have caused."
Suddenly a MASSIVE machine sprung to life behind Gru. It looked like a fucking baseball, but a 30 foot high-tech baseball.
This machine began destroying the entire universe. I'm going to be honest here, I'm too lazy to fucking explain how. The basic idea here is that Gru is destroying universes that he accidentally allowed to exist. If you want to know how, go read or listen to the story Despicable Me: Gruicide. All of these stories are connected. ALL OF THEM. Do I need to spell it out for you any further? Every. Chimichangar. Story. Is. Connected. I don't know who Chimichangar is, but I know that I, the narrator, am merely a work of fiction. The Toy Story Ü series ended and now it's back in an alternate fuckin' universe because of Gru, and now it's going to end again because Gru is destroying it. GOT IT? I'm sure someone smart can figure it out if you can't. I don't care. I told you the stupid fucking story and now my job is done and I'm going to be destroyed with the rest of this universe. I'm a fictional character. Boom. Big reveal. It actually explains everything across all of the stories in a way that borders on genuine fucking genius, or at least genius at the Christopher Nolan level, but if I have to spell everything out for you it's going to be WAY less fuckin' cool. And by the way, if you see a story that has the letter Ü in it that was written by someone other than Chimichangar, ignore it. It's not real. It's a figment of your imagination. And it probably sucks.
I'll see you in the next stupid fucking story.
Credited to Chimichangar
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