Ultimate Ritual

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Go to the nearest fruit-bearing tree on the northeast side of any suburban town within twenty-eight miles of the Gulf of Mexico. If the town you have chosen has no fruit-bearing trees on its northeast side, GO TO ANOTHER TOWN YOU FUCKS. Anyway, once you have located the nearest fruit-bearing tree, you must stare at it for five to six seconds. You must then turn your head sharply to the left. After holding this position for exactly 2.013795 seconds, you must turn your head--slowly--back to its original position. After you are facing the tree once again, look at the ground below you. Contemplate it. CONTEMPLATE IT. 

After about twenty minutes of this, turn around. Take off all your clothes. If you are not immediately arrested, begin patting your head and rubbing your belly simultaneously. Do this until you hear the sound of police sirens, whereupon you must get the hell out of there. When (*cough*if*cough*) you manage to get away, beat the shit out of the nearest passerby and steal his or her clothes. 

You must then stare directly at the sun. Stare at it. STARE AT IT.

After ten minutes of this, hail the nearest taxi. Make sure to not get in the taxi, but in the car directly behind it. If the car directly behind it is also a taxi, BLOW IT UP AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.  If it isn't, though, you must throw the driver out of the car and drive off while laughing maniacally. If you did all these steps correctly, you should be teleported back to the fruit-bearing tree with your vision fully intact (you should have gone blind from staring at the sun, if that wasn't readily apparent). You will also be a wearing a bear suit for no discernible reason.

At this point, you will see a button on the tree that was not there before. You must press it, but not immediately. You must first wait exactly 56.73895001306328954322001 seconds before pressing it. Once you press it, you will hear heavy metal music blasting out of a hidden amp in the bushes. You must proceed to headbang along to the music (even though you're in a bear suit and you can barely move) until it stops.

You must then pick one of the fruits from the tree. Take a bite. Now stare at the fruit. STARE AT IT. Now throw it at the nearest house in the vicinity. If it crashes through one of the windows of that house, you will instantly be teleported back to your computer, reading this, with no recollection of ever having done any of this.

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