Ultra Machine: A game even WORSE than Grand Prix Mania
I...I don't believe it. I can't even believe it. I just can't believe it. I managed to find a video game that's somehow even worse than Grand Prix Mania. I-I-I can't even properly finish a freakin'... maddening sentence without going through pain, & agony! That's how absolutely abysmal this game is! Oooohhhh, you really think I am able to describe how bad this game without going mental, do you? Do you!? DO YOU!? DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD MAKE A SINGLE PARAGRAPH TALKING ABOUT THIS PILE OF VOMIT INDUCING CRAP WITHOUT GOING ON A MENTAL BREAKDOWN THAT'LL MORE THAN LIKELY END UP WITH ME YELLING ON TOP OF MY LUNGS ABOUT AWFUL SOCIETY IS!?!?!? You're wrong, so wrong, so incredibly wrong in every way, shape, & form that you could possibly imagine! I don't even know how long I can even last going through this part of me without just breaking open my chest, & splatting my blood all over the floor until I pass out because I can't even... ok, maybe I'll describe this udder nuclear disaster of a game, & then absolutely, destructively tear the developers, who also published the game themselves, a new... no, I'd rather verbally nuke them off the face of the Solar System 'cuz it means they will be sucked into a black hole for good, because THAT'S THE BEST PUNISHMENT I CAN THINK OF, RIGHT!?!? RIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHEDHHOVDJHAOJVOAVJAVJVAP
First off, the freakin' putrid looking box art. OOHHHHHHH my god, oooohhhh, ohhhh it's so, so incredibly terrible, & tasteless that not even Satan himself would want to look at it! The machine in the box """"""art"""""" is supposed to be some combination of I don't know, a tank, & a ferrari, maybe? Except it looks hideou-no, it looks ABYSMALLY OVERHEATEDLY UNCONTROLLABLY HORRIBLE!!! In fact, that goes for everything on the box!!! The buildings, the humans, the aliens, j-j-j-j-just EVERYTHING. None of the lines look remotely stable, the colors aren't properly put in correctly, the colors were so bad it actually made me want to take a blindfold on so I could actually open the box because I felt like I was about to vomit if I didn't, every single freakin' part of the humans looked so disgustingly ugly that it made that awful OC from I'm Not Starfire look gorgeous in comparison, & just about EVERY SINGLE OTHER ARTISTIC SIN YOU CAN THINK OF, LIKE I'M TALKING OVER 60 SINS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE REPEATED, BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO TICK PEOPLE OFF WITHOUT THEM EVEN STARTING THE GAME!!!
But enough of that freakin' vomit inducing """"""artwork"""""", let's find out who made this son of a taco bell toilet mixed with last week's "garbage all over town" incident. Oh look, it's by Anthrax Entertainment. Now, who were those? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEARCH THEM UP. No way, I ain't even taking a single freakin' chance to search that up, I've already wasted a month of my life dealing with this dumped overbaked excuse of a CD!!! Oh yeah, this game is on a CD... IN 2009 ON THE AMIGA PPC!!! And as you are about to see, IT DOESN'T EVEN TRY TO USE ANY OF THE ADVANTAGES OF THE PPC!!!
Once you start the game, you get treated to a 5-minute long, unskippable, wall of text explaining the """"""story"""""", ok, I'll stop with that stupid gag. Oh, & there are about 48 OF THESE. Yup, you heard that right, FORTY. EIGHT. UNSKIPPABLE. FIVE TO EIGHT. MINUTE LONG. UNSKIPPABLE. WALLS. OF. TEXT. Oh, & they're not just any walls of text either. They're walls of text filled to the brim with everything that can go wrong. Grammar issues are everywhere, 97% of words, even the simplest of words, are spelled incorrectly, & inconsistently too, with the only thing being consistent is that they are never spelled CORRECTLY, except for machine for whatever reason. Not to mention that every word is capitalized, except for the I's because they seriously want to make people explode like 100 grenades going all at once, there are literally no punctuations throughout it all, the font is absolutely hideous & disgusting to look at, they sometimes repeat the word over 30 times in just one wall of text, then repeat another word over 30 times in the next wall of text, then again, & again, & AGAIN for literally no reason what-so-ever, &... you know what... I'll just show you a particular sample from the 5th wall of text, which is sadly one of the better ones. Yes, I said one of the BETTER ones.
"Tha Machine Ready Tuu Priparr Etselh For Weaks Fewt Naxt Whill i Ticadeed Too Goe Hua Slapt Lluu Muo Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Bod Muunaeeght Brukkfoot i Weke Up Becuzz i Wezz Borred Toe Kanf Going Tro Tah Stoon Too By Now Penhz For Tah Machane"
I'm not even gonna bother with the rest of it, you get the basic idea in how the text in those games go. Now, as for the graphics, oh dear lord, they're even worse than the box art! It has all the mistakes from the box art, & then just MULTIPLIES THEM BY A THOUSAND!!! Like, really now!? REALLY NOW!?!? D-D- I can't even BEGIN to describe just how much worse it is other than that!!! Oh, & it constantly flickers random colors at lightning speed too, as if it was already bad enough... BECAUSE SURELY WE NEED MORE PEOPLE TO DIE FROM CONSTANT OVERLOAD OF PUKE INDUCING COLORS BEING SPEWED THROUGHOUT THE SCREEN, RIGHT!?!?!?! NO YOU STUPID BIG EGO MANIACS OF DEVELOPERS, ABSOLUTELY NO!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN CHECK IF ANYONE COULD GET A SEIZURE PLAYING THAT!?!? AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music!? What do you mean music!? That game don't have music, well, unless you count ear-bleeding high-pitched notes as music that are extremely annoyingly off-sync, like Grand Prix Mania's music, except they take it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!!! The pitches are even higher, it's OVER A BILLION TIMES as ear-bleeding as it was in Grand Prix Mania, & it's so off-sync that at one point, you got 5 of the same notes playing all at once, which led me to turn off the sound, & leave the room immediately so I can presumably calm down, except I didn't, because everything is just so horrible that my mind just keeps taking a left turn to whatever horrible place I could think of, including whatever the heck Hellifornia was, as if California wasn't already abysmal enough as it is! Never in my life would I ever expect there to be music worse than the music in Grand Prix Mania, but I mean, just about EVERYTHING is worse in every way, shape, & form, & I gotta talk about it ALLLLL before I end up going on some stupid panic attack that'll cost me another hour of useless time being wasted!
Oh, & how about the freakin' gameplay? Is it deep? No. Is it fun? No. Is it worth your time? ABSOLUTELY BOTTOM-OF-THE-BARREL TO THE MIDDLE OF THE DEADLY GROUND NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!!!!! Is it HORRIBLE beyond all belief. Firstly, the controls are abysmal. To move around, you press A, V, 6, & F3. No, really. A is to go up, V is to go down, 6 is to go left, & F3 is to go right. How does that make sense!? HOW!? WHAT KIND OF MADMAN DECIDED THAT THIS WAS EVEN REMOTELY OKAY!?!? THEY REALLY JUST WANT ME TO GO KABOOM, AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN WITH THE REST OF THE GAMEPLAY!!! Your movement is DELAYED, & I mead delayed by 29 SECONDS. Not 2 seconds, TWENTY-FLIPPIN'-LEAF-EATING-NINE!!! And like in GPM, you only move one pixel, & guess what... there are enemies EVERYWHERE, & they move at lightning speeds, sometimes heading straight towards you with no mercy, & you're a one-hit wonder, so good luck even trying to survive! Oh, & you want to know something else!? YOU. CAN'T. EVEN. A T T A C K ! ! ! WHAT KIND OF SICK MORON WITH NO LIFE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, A TIKTOK USER, A TWITTER USER, A FREAKIN' I DON'T KNOW, VINCE PERRI WANNABE!?!?!?!
With all of this mind, you're wondering how many levels there are. Well, I'll say that there are no less than 112 LEVELS IN THIS ENTIRE GAME!!! ONE-HUNDRED-AND-TWELVE!!! JUST WHY, WHY ALL OF THIS, WHY THE HECK WOULD THEY MAKE YOU SUFFER THROUGH THIS PUTRID PILE OF ABYSMALLY ATROCIOUS MEGA BABIES-ESQUE CRAP THAT SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET ONTO MAIL ORDER FOR OVER 5 THOUSAND DOLLARS EVEN THOUGH CLEARLY IT SHOULD'VE STAYED UNRELEASED, & DESTROYED INSIDE THEIR BASEMENT!!! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS GAME ANYMORE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!! I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I JUST... OFNAORFJOWANPFVNHIHWIHPOEHVWVAHNAHVRHOHAPWVHPOVMHOAWVHVMINRGNAIWOELCHLFEPNWU08A4U NH9FNEh0[wam0uamw[a0 wzim]rv [va/w\vr['b\rvfkg kkb[0mj0[rj[0 sebjm[0 rjgr0[jre0[ j0[grwhm[awno 03[8fu0 m0 arop npobtsehn p bornh roebeberuof hrv0o apmwa0r[nua-] 4m]wu-g4p[raug-]wpm g[ae[pmr bom eprjppibbpijmapmbopnwapij mwpnrnb prpibm
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I'M SO ANGRY THAT I STARTED TO HAVE A FREAKIN' PANIC ATTACK THAT FORMED INTO AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE MESS OF GIBBERISH THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FREAKIN' SENSE. THESE PEOPLE AT ANTHRAX ENTERTAINMENT ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE, INHUMAN, PILES OF GARBAGE EVER TO HAVE BEEN PUT ON THIS EARTH, ALL OF THEM, ALL 29 FREAKIN' MEMBERS OF THIS PUTRID ABOMINATION!!! YES, THERE WAS 29 MEMBERS IN THE GROUP, I CHECKED THE STUPID CREDITS BECAUSE I NEEDED TO SEE HOW IT ENDED!!!
What, you want to know how it ended? Well... guess what you get after defeating the final boss? An ending scene, another wall of text, perhaps a simple "The End" message? Nope. Instead you get A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER ALONGSIDE EVERY SINGLE AWFUL BLOOD, & GORE RELATED CLICHE ALONGSIDE EVERY SINGLE HORRIBLE KIND OF GROSSOUT HUMOR YOU CAN THINK OF!!! JUST... UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?!? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'M LOSING MY MIND, HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?!?
Wait, what's that, THE DEVELOPERS ACTUALLY COMMITED MULTIPLE TERRIBLE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, & NOT JUST THIS!?!?! Oh my FREAKIN' LORD ALMIGHTY THIS IS JUST... I CAN'T... I CAN'T EVEN... IRJJGRPRJSDNOJHR9BHJ9UJV[0SUGVJ0EF0W8UW0E[U0UWGR0[UW0GUBJ0SJB08JVS0UUJSUJS0SUJS-USD-ISD-GGIKR-G9RF9GR-RGJRG-RG-REEG-GWIG-KJD-9GBJ-B9NJ-9FBF-FJFF9JF
Credited to Extreme Wreck 2000
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