Winnie the Pooh - The Lost Tapes
Welcome to Pooh Corner was a cherished part of my childhood as it was, I am sure, for many X'ers and Millenials. For those of you who grew up without this gem, Welcome to Pooh Corner was a Disney Channel show in which men dressed as bears, pigs, tigers, and even a donkey would cavort about for our childish entertainment. That's right; Pooh was the first official "live action reboot!"
This is why, dear reader, I nearly swooned when I received a VHS tape labeled "Welcome To Pooh's Corner - Volume 8." Did I find it odd that it seemed to be written on painter's tape in what I assume to this day was strawberry jam? Not at all! Nor did the note from my ex, written backwards and in cuneiform, extolling my soul to the ancient Persian goddess of night and evil, inspire the least suspicion. That Tootie (I'll call her that,) always was a kidder, and it appeared she had finally gotten over that grudge she held after I accidentally maxed out her credit card on that Tigger fursuit with the animatronic blinking eyes. You see, gentle reader, Welcome to Pooh Corner only went to Volume 6 in the US and 7 in the UK. There was nothing on any wiki about a Volume 8. This was uncharted territory for a true Poohphile such as myself.
"My dear Suzy must have forgiven me," I sighed, hands to the heavens. Little did I know that it was out of the doghouse and into the frying pan, for sitting down with my Pooh sippy cup and popcorn bowl to watch this show for children was going to be the most horrifying moment of my existence.
The tape started ordinarily enough, with the theme song performed over images of the toys on shelves turning into their live action counterparts and cavorting about. I hummed to myself as Pooh sang his "I'm Winnie the Pooh and how do you do" refrain, and then the words "Hammer Time" appeared on the screen in large, friendly letters.
"What an odd choice for a title," I said to myself. "If I recall, Mr. Hammer's video was quite racy in its time, and hadn't even come out when Pooh Corner was made."
I didn't have long to think on this anachronism as the screen faded to Mr. Narrator. This character, played by the late, great Laurence George Main, was a friendly-looking middle-aged man in a warm sweater who sat in a comfy-looking chair and served as a sort of book-end to the show. As in most episodes, he was reading an oversized book which would inevitably relate to the story. In this case, the title said "Watership Down", which seemed somewhat odd given the graphic nature of the story and Rabbit's inclusion in the Pooh mythos.
"Oh hello," the narrator said in his friendly English accent, placing the book on his lap. "I was just reading a nice book about a rabbit society! You see, a society is a group of people, much like your family, and much like your family it needs rules about when to have dinner and when to go to bed! Today in the Hundred Acre Woods, our friends were about to learn that very lesson."
The scene faded into the forest and zoomed into Roo, the young kangaroo, who I could see was wearing overalls and a tiny hard hat while hauling several boards and a hammer towards his tree house.
"Oh, what's that?" Roo asked, turning to the camera as the sound-effect of a cartoon spring approached from off-screen. This, of course, was the cue for Tigger, the loveable feline, and my favorite character in the Pooh mythos, who just then bounded on to the scene with a comic flourish and leaned with one arm against the tree.
"Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Hey there, buddy Roo, whatcha doing?" He asked in his regular goofy voice.
"Hi Tigger!" Roo replied cheerfully. "I'm just working on my treehouse!"
"W-with a HAMMER?" Tigger gave a cartoon gasp. He waved his finger at his young friend chidingly. "Nope! Nope! Nope-aroo! Roo, you should ALWAYS ask a trusted adult when it comes to working with tools!"
"Gee gosh!" Said Roo," I didn't think of that. Can you help me, Tigger?"
"That's what Tiggers do best!" Said Tigger, bounding over to take the wood and hammer from Roo's paws. That was my Tigger, I thought as they debated where the board would best be placed. He may have been a real trickster and a bit of a rebel, but deep down he was a good guy who was always there for his friends.
"And a one and a two and a--" he said. With a twirl of his wrist he brought the hammer down in a long arc, narrowly missing the exposed nail to collide directly with his thumb.
"!$##@#" Tigger ejaculated. My head was light, my ears ringing. I barely realized that i had jumped from my comfy sofa, spilling Pooh-flavored popcorn all over my Kanga comforter. They couldn't have said that word! Not in a children's show! Not in 90s Disney! I swung my head left and right, verifying that none of my "edgy" friends had surreptitiously entered the room. I circled the television slowly, verifying that all the cords appeared in their proper place.
I smoothed my now sweaty hair back, laughing. "I must have been imagining it," I said, bending down to access the VCR. "I'm going to rewind it and everything will be wholesome and normal.
I rewound the scene until Tigger's hammer was high in the air, and then pressed play. My favorite tiger once again gave the hammer a showy twirl, and slammed it directly into his fat orange thumb.
I fell on to my back as he again cried "!$##@#"
"Oh dear!" Cried Roo, who put both hands over his mouth. "Did you hurt yourself, Tigger?"
The camera suddenly cut to a close-up of Tigger's hand, which was no longer a friendly, fuzzy felt hand, but looked like an actual tiger's paw had been melded into a human hand. The thumb was black and blue and the nail/claw hung limply by a bit of viscera from its exposed nailbed.
"YOU FILTHY !$##@#!" Tigger shouted, not in voice actor Will Ryan's normal goofy Tigger voice, but in a booming English brogue that sounded like Brian Blessed performing Shakespeare. Roo's tiny feet kicking in the air as Tigger shook him mercilessly by the suspenders. "KANGAROOS WERE NEVER MEANT TO CAVORT WITH WOODPECKERS IN TREES! YOU LAUGHED IN THE FACE OF GOD AND NOW I AM MAIMED! I COULD HAVE BEEN A VIOLINIST YOU MARSUPIAL !$##@#!! I COULD HAVE BEEN A PAW MODEL!!"
Tigger's breath was deep and ragged, the mouth of his mask overflowing with ropes of spittle. The camera zoomed out, and as it faded to black I could barely discern him throw the now limp form of Roo to the ground and stomp off.
I sank into my sofa, deep shaken, as the friendly narrator faded back on to screen. "Well," he said, leaning towards the audience. "That certainly was quite the situation, wasn't it, children? How would you have reacted if you'd hit yourself with a hammer, hmm? Would you have shaken Roo until his tiny toddler neck snapped? These are choices we need to think about."
And with that, he picked up his pipe and went back to reading his comically oversized book, puffing away as the screen faded to black. I was gob smacked to say the least. This wasn't right at all! Murder and tobacco consumption were a complete betrayal of everything Disney stood for, and a horrible example to set for children! Who would do this to the children? I had to know! I would press on through my horror to get to the bottom of this, and for that I would have to watch the next episode!
The next episode opened with the normal intro, only now Kanga had red felt rings around her eyes like she'd been crying and when it would normally cut to Roo it would instead cut to a fresh clump of soil in Rabbit's garden. Not normal at all, I guess, but surely this episode would contain more Pooh, and, as you all know, I love my Pooh!
This episode was titled "A Sticky Situation." Oh, I thought, sticky Pooh! What a treat! The scene faded in on Mr. Narrator sitting in his comfy chair, but this time he was wearing an eyepatch and a bandana on his head, and reading "The Origin of Species."
He put the book down on his lap and gave the audience a friendly "Arr!" Laughing heartily, he lifted up the eyepatch to show that he did, indeed, have a left eye. "Oh don't worry children, I'm not a pirate. I was just playing pretend. Sometimes it's fun to pretend you're something you're not, and not just for boys and girls, but for animals too! And I have a feeling that just might relate to what's happening today in the Hundred Acre Woods!"
The scene cross-faded into Pooh's house where I was surprised to see Eeyore, the donkey, standing on a chair with a noose around his neck while Piglet, the tiny pig in a red jumper, ran about frenetically.
"Oo! Eeyore, you're too high up!" Piglet cried. "You're going to fall! You could hurt your knee! Oooo!" This was horrible! How could they show this? Piglet didn't even seem to understand the danger Eeyore was in!
"That's sort of the idea I guess," said Eeyore. "Kanga doesn't wanna be with me anymore. Said she needs to concentrate on finding her son or daughter. Or whatever. May as well die."
Was this episode about suicide? Sure, they'd dealt with dark topics like child abduction in "Too Smart For Strangers," but this seemed very dark for a children's show! Also, Kanga and Eeyore being in a relationship was canonically inaccurate to say the least! Just then Pooh came in through the door to his bedroom.
"Oh hello, Pig-a-let!" Pooh chirped happily, apparently ignorant to the morbid scene unfolding before him.
"Oh, P-P-Pooh! Eeyore is going to fall off that ch-chair and hurt himself! Make him get down."
"Oh Eeyore you big silly," Pooh sighed. "it's time to pooh or get off the pot!"
"Wh-what??" Piglet asked. "Aren't you going to stop him?"
"He's the one who tied the noose." Eeyore said.
"I was sick of his grumbling," Pooh said. "It's really for the best! Let me sing you a song about it."
A cheery piano number played and Pooh began to do a lively jig and sing about how some people are truly a waste of air, and helping them is simply not worth your effort. I was gob-stopped! Literally!! My gob was actually vapor-locked! How could Pooh be so cavalier about this? Eeyore was his friend and he needed help! This needed to stop.
Pooh was getting a little carried away with his dancing, and during a particularly difficult pirouette he tripped over the leg of the chair, which tumbled over. The following happened all at once:
- Pooh snout-planted into the floor.
- Eeyore fell. I could hear the noose tighten and his neck snap like firewood.
- His weight caused the house to shudder.
- A jar of honey toppled from a shelf, cracking across the supine ursine's fuzzy yellow skull and coating the floor in shards of brown and rivulets of golden sap.
"Pooh! Pooh!" Piglet cried, bending down to gently push on his friend. "O-oh dear! Oh DEARY dear! I'm going to get Rabbit!" And with this he dashed out the door.
The scene wiped back to Mr. Narrator, who leaned warmly towards the camera. "My, what an exciting story, hmm?" He said.
"What?" I demanded. "Did you not see what just happened? Eeyore is dead, and Pooh is badly wounded! You need to go help, Narrator! Reverse the story! You have the power!"
"I guess you could say that Eeyore is finally at the end of his rope!" The narrator chuckled. I couldn't believe it! My childhood friend were either hurt or dying, and this man I'd grown to trust was laughing?? "Yes yes, while he's hanging about, let's see what Piglet and Rabbit are up to!"
It cut back to Pooh's home, where Pooh was now pacing about wearing a zoot suit and hat whilst mumbling phrases that ended in "see" like an old-timey gangster. Eeyore was nowhere to be seen, but the rope had been cut and a trail of honey lead past the stove and out the window.
"Oh P-Pooh thank goodness you're okay!" Piglet cried.
"You'll never take me alive, see!" Pooh mumbled.
"What's he talking about?" Rabbit asked. "And where's Eeyore? You said he was hurt quite badly, Piglet!"
"That dirty rat stool-donkey was gonna sell me out, see!" Pooh exclaimed. "Sell me down the river to Sing-Sing, see!"
"Ooo! Pooh must have lost his memory when he got hit on the head!" Cried Piglet.
"I'll go get Owl!" Said Rabbit. "He'll know what to do! Piglet, you stay here and make sure Pooh is okay!"
The scene cut back to the narrator, who was laughing. "How fun," He declared. "I say, Pooh thinks he's a gangster, just like in those old movies you eighties children have never seen. I wonder if he and Piglet will play a game of cops and robbers!" He chuckled again, making finger-guns at the camera. "Pew pew as you Americans would say!"
It cut back to Pooh's home. Pooh was still pacing nervously in front of a happily-glowing stove, while Piglet was nowhere to be seen. Just then, Rabbit burst through the door with Owl close behind.
"Here he is," Rabbit said. "He's wearing a detective hat and talking all funny."
"Watch yet mouth, see!" Pooh snapped. "No one makes a mark of Dubious James Malone!"
"I say, Pooh old chap, are you all right?" Owl asked. "And where's Piggie?"
"That gumshoe?" He laughed. "I put that pig in the fryer before he could put me in the cooler!"
Rabbit clasped both hands to his mouth. "The fryer?? Owl, you don't think he could mean--"
"I do say, Pooh old bean," Owl said, approaching slowly. "what's in that stove for cooking?"
Pooh gave a deep belly laugh before popping open the oven to reveal something that will scar me for life. Lying on a platter was Piglet, still wearing his jumper, hogtied with his own yellow scarf. His felty flesh was singed a lobster red and he had an apple in his mouth. "Soo-ee!" Pooh chortled. "That's what I call bringin' home the bacon, see!"
"Oh my goodness!" Rabbit managed before vomiting what looked like a carrot slurry all over his oversized felt feet.
Owl stood staring awkwardly into the stove while Pooh ducked behind the window, pretending to shoot make-believe coppers with his honey-drizzler. "I say," Owl said at last, "Now that the deed is done and all, there's no sense in letting Piglet, you know, go to rot?"
"You're surely not suggesting we EAT him," Rabbit stammered.
Owl gave a sheepish shrug. "Well, I am ever so peckish just now, and you can't say you've never been a trifle curious about what the old boy tastes like! I've heard bacon is ever so delish!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! They were going to eat Piglet?? Their FRIEND?? I'd never in a million years believe that the Hundred Acre Woods characters could be so tasteless! As these were all men in mascot suits, this was basically cannibalism!
It cut back to the Narrator, who just then was reading A Modest Proposal in his boxers. "Well," he said, "I guess we can all learn a thing or two about eating a balanced diet, eh?"
"No!" I said, standing up to shake my fist at him. "It's horrid! You're horrid! Pooh would never kill his friends! Never! This is a blasphemy to everything Disney ever intended! I'm going to turn you off right now and sue!"
"Oh I wouldn't touch the VCR if I were you," Mr. Narrator warned, looking into the camera, into my eyes, with a very deadpan expression. "We all know what happens to bad little boys, don't we, JAMES!"
I looked up into his eyes, stunned. My name wasn't James! "How do you know who I am?" I asked anyways.
"Oh we at Disney know many things, Shane!" He said, cocking his head and shifting his gaze in a way that would have been very spooky if it were at all in my direction.
"My name's not Shane," I said.
"But," Mr. Narrator leaned towards the camera in a terribly conspiratorial way. "while you were watching me on the TV, did you consider who might be sneaking up behind you??"
I spun around, expecting to be jump-scared by a man in a yellow bear suit. Nothing. Disappointed, I scanned the room nervously, expecting to see Tigger crouched behind a curtain or a hephalump under a chair. Then I saw it!
"My wallet!" I cried, "It's at a slight angle!"
I glared daggers of accusation at the narrator who laughed! "Ha HA ha HAHA HAW!" He also faded to black. The tape ejected from my VCR, singing "Baby Hit me One More Time" backwards in a minor key in ancient Sumerian whilst spewing spools of magnetic film across my living room.
I cared not! I dashed over to my wallet and dug through it. Oh no! My Premiere Mastercard card was missing! I whipped out my phone and feverishly logged on to their site. As I had to confirm my phone number, mother's middle name, the distance from the earth to Jupiter on the day I was born (in Biblical cubits of course,) and my college roommate's jockstrap size, this took three days, at which time I found $185,439.32 had been charged to my card. I clicked one of the receipts to check the signature.
"Tootie and Mr. N." I sighed, hunkering down in defeat. "Of course."
Yes, gentle reader, Pooh was nothing but a cruel ruse. Suzy and Mr Narrator created the whole thing through AI. They had teamed up to swindle me of my precious credit, maxing it out to purchase beef bullion cubes and Schillings Earl Grey Tea. I sank down in my chair, knowing they were already halfway to Botswana, and all I could do was sell my organs to pay off the finance charges.
THE END??
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