Y'iff Goes to College or Skyfur 2
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NSFW WARNING
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"Oh, great Paarthurnax!" Un'ethikl Usar exclaimed. "I am here to ask for you to tell me another story about Y'iff."
"Really?" Paarthurnax asked. "Another one?"
"Why, of course!"
"Alright, but you owe me for this one ..."
Da story yo
"J'zargo is happy to see brother Y'iff return from blowjob in Elsweyr," my brother J'zargo greeted me when I revisited the College of Winterhold. "Perhaps J'zargo shall make you feel better after long trip by getting you into the College."
"Um, no thanks, J'zargo," I rejected awkwardly. "I'd really just rather get back to my house in Northal."
"Nonsense." He was determined to be a complete asshole that day. "Maybe it will make you a better mage, and you can finally learn the expert level destruction spells. Still, J'zargo will learn them first."
"Yeah, thanks, asshole." I went with him to go talk to the arch-mage.
"Hello, I am Savos Aren, the College's arch-mage," he said, and I shit you not, he was the arch-mage of the College of Winterhold. What was his name again: Samus Aran? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was it. "I understand you want to join the College."
"Actually no. J'zargo just wants to be a dick today," I explained.
"Alright, fine: I'll let you in." Fuck. "First, I need to know what exactly you can contribute to the College."
"Um ..." I thought for a moment until I figured it out and answered, "I can shout Argonian maids off really tall mountains."
"THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!" I don't know why he was so surprised. "WELCOME TO THE COLLEGE!"
"Fucking dammit, J'zargo." I sighed. "You're going to pay for this."
"How is J'zargo going to pay exactly?"
"With your anal virginity."
"Perhaps J'zargo was very stupid to have gotten you into the College."
"Indeed, very stupid." I grabbed J'zargo by the ear and dragged him to the living quarters. "Now, let us fuck each other's brains out for the reader's amusement and maybe after that we'll have a quick skooma break before going again."
*PICTURE CENSORED*
"J'zargo only has so much room to carry things."
"You're talking crazy talk! Have you been reading the Elder Scrolls?"
"If you finish inside J'zargo will have you torn apart by angry atronauchs ..."
*SERIOUSLY YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS*
"Nnnnngheeeeeugh!"
"Khajiit feels warmth from your presence ..."
"Get out of my bed: you disgust me now."
"But J'zargo was having so much fun!"
I walked into the ... room with the giant pool thing to talk to Tolfdir.
"Another member of the College, eh?" Onmund greeted me. "I was hoping not to be the only Nord here ..."
"Shut up, Onmund."
"Hey, everyone. I'm some new guy!" Un'ethikl Usar walked in.
"J'zargo was hoping not to be the only Khajiit, but now it seems there are too many."
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" I asked.
"Khajiit was there when you married that lusty Argonian maid," Un'ethikl Usar explained.
"Now I remember."
"That was the last time Un'ethikl Usar goes on skooma break with Y'iff."
"Oh, really?" I grabbed J'zargo and held him close. "Because my brother and I are going on one later and you're welcome to join us ..."
"Fuck ..." Un'ethikl replied. "No."
"Everyone, shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Tolfdir shouted at us. "You're assignments today are to create a spell that dresses you automatically."
"I already know a dragon shout that does the same thing," I spoke up. "Does that mean I can skip this one?"
"I don't believe you." Damn, Tolfdir was unreasonable. "Prove it."
"Okay then ..." I took off my clothes, exposing my naked furry body. I laid them on the floor, looked at them and shouted, "PUT CLOTHES ON!" and all my clothes flew onto me.
"Very well." Tolfdir uncovered his eyes. "You may go back to your room."
"Yeah, I don't think so." I started walking out. "My house is a lot better."
"Actually, before you go ..." Tolfdir interrupted. "There is one more thing you could do."
"What is it now?"
"I need you to go to Markarth and give this enchanted dwarven sword to my old friend Calcelmo. He will be most interested in it."
"In shoving it up his ass?"
"NO, YOU PERVERTED CAT!" he yelled. "IN RESEARCHING IT!"
"Okay ..." I started walking out.
"Un'ethikl Usar will accompany you on this one also."
"Oh, yes ..." This was going to be interesting.
When we got to Calcelmo, he was being a huge dick. Un'ethikl mentioned to me on the way that he couldn't read because the Nords of Skyrim refused to educate Khajiit and it turns out he spent his whole life in Skyrim. I asked Calcelmo to teach him to read, but he refused, saying, "It involves years of personal toil in the most dangerous Dwemer ruins in Skyrim!"
"Reading is that dangerous?" Un'ethikl Usar asked. "Can't you just show me a book and tell me what all the letters mean?"
"No." Calcelmo was such a dick that I had forgotten why we visited him in the first place.
"Then we'll be back when you decide to not be a complete asshole." Un'ethikl stood up to leave.
"Very well," Calcelmo said as he took out a book and started reading it.
"Wait! You're just reading in front of me to anger me!" Un'ethikl stared at his book. "What does that mean?"
Calcelmo turned the page.
"No, wait! That one!"
Realizing Calcelmo wasn't going to help him out, we went into the Dwemer ruins to try to teach Un'ethikl to read. The ruins were flooded with guards, but those idiots kept stepping on all of the traps.
"I really wonder what it must be like applying for a job here," Un'ethikl Usar said.
"Yeah, it must be like, 'Okay, so you have to stand on a bunch of traps for eight hours a day.'"
"'Sounds alright!'"
"'Good! Start now!'"
There wasn't anything there that might have been able to teach Un'ethikl to read, so we decided to go back to Calcelmo to see if he was being less of an asshole.
"So will you teach me to read now?" he asked.
"Yes," Calcelmo answered.
"Fuck yes! It's time for a montage!"
While Un'ethikl was musically learning to read, I went to harass the local guards. "Hey, I killed all your worker friends. Go to work tomorrow, they won't be there. They're all dead."
The guard drew his sword and got into a combat stance. "You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people! What say you in your defense?"
"Oh, yes. I've been a bad kitty," I replied.
The guard looked at me, confused.
"I think I need to be punished."
"Oh, alright ..." The guard grabbed me. "You're sentenced to an hour in the dungeon. Rid yourself of any stolen property and we'll get going."
"But I don't wanna take off my pants, Mr. Markarth guard."
He whacked me in the head with an Orcish warhammer and I fell to the ground unconscious.
I woke up in a small cell with a crazy Nord sitting on the bed next to mine. "Hey, you got any skooma on you?" he asked.
"Luckily for you, my friend, I have forty-nine-million, eight-thousand, three-hundred and twelve skoomas smuggled in through Mianus."
*skooma break*
When they finally released me and gave me my shit back, I decided to go back to the College. Tolfdir was pretty pissed at me for simply disposing of the dwarven sword in the ocean rather than giving it to Calcelmo like he asked me. He even tried to get Samus Aran the arch-mage to kick me out of the College, but he was still amazed at my shouting abilities to send Argonians flying off mountains.
After taking some more skooma, I decided to go fuck with J'zargo again. When I went to his room, I saw him in bed with ...
"Un'ethikl Usar! What the fuck are you doing with my brother?!"
"I'm sorry, Y'iff! His southern Khajiiti ass was just too tempting!" he exclaimed defensively.
"FUS ..." I shouted.
"No, please! Don't!"
"RO DAH!" I finished the shout, sending Un'ethikl flying out of the window and into the Sea of Ghosts.
"But J'zargo was having so much fun!"
"But Y'iff doesn't give a shit about J'zargo's fun."
"Perhaps Y'iff is right."
Da present yo
"I'm fairly certain that never happened," Un'ethikl Usar corrected Paarthurnax's story.
"That's only because you hit your head on a rock when he shouted you out the window and lost half your brain function," Paarthurnax explained.
"Oh, yeah ..."
"Now, when I said you owed me for this story ..."
"Yes?"
"You know how part of it was set in a dungeon?"
"Yes ..."
"Basically, I'm into bdsm."
A few seconds later yo
"Yes!" Paarthurnax moaned. "Whip me harder!"
Un'ethikl Usar continuously whipped him. "You've been a bad dragon, Paarthurnax!" he scolded. "You've been ... um ... setting a lot of humans on fire!"
"Ah, yes! I'm such a bad dragon!"
This mentally scarring trollpasta is brought to you by Asdfpotato, making you not only doubt your faith in EVIL PATRIXXX but possibly drive you to suicide also.
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