You Can't Bank On Scrooge
Being a millionaire isn't all it's cracked up to be ya know? To be honest, it's quite annoying. People constantly beg and try to charm you out of our millions. Sometimes, people will even go as far as to try and rob you for your money. It's out of fricking control I tell ya! I don't even have any real friends. Any friends that I have I bought them off eBay along with some beer. I guess I should explain some things.
I own a massive oil company up in Riker's Field. The company is extremely profitable and makes around one million dollars every minute. My company was for the longest time the most profitable oil planation in the entire United States of America. Because of how money my company generates in a daily quarter; I've tried investing my money in the local bank; but after awhile they started to refuse my money as I was clogging up their vaults. So instead I have to store my millions in a massive vault in my mansion. Yes I live in a super mansion with a room for a view. I'm so rich I even own a swimming pool inside a swimming pool. Now that just shows you how rich I am doesn't it friend? I also own a private jet, my own clothes line, and two tickets to Universal Studios. Cha ching!
With all the money my company makes; as you might expect a lot of people try to scam me out of my millions. One time, two charity collectors named Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker came to ask me for a donation to the Winnie The Pooh Charity Foundation. "What might I put you down for?" Dr Honeydew asked as he rested his face upon my desk while I was trying to do some important paper work. "Nothing!" I yelled angrily as Dr Honeydew asked, "you wish to remain a hippopotamus?" "Oh forget this!" I yelled angrily as I began chasing the pair down the road with a broomstick. "If you come back here! I'll send my grandson after ya!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as Honeydew and Beaker disappeared into the sunset.
My grandson's name is Sonny, and he acts as my second in command at the oil company. Sonny is addicted to coco puffs, and has been trying his best to get rid of his addiction by taking up a cycling hobby. He hasn't had much luck yet. and I doubt he ever will. So sad. Back in the 1960's; Sonny and I travelled the Rub' al Khali Desert for weeks upon weeks in search for oil. We had both grown up poor on the streets of Empire Bay, and were desiring to one day strike it rich. That's when we both found it. A huge oil spill located in the very centre of the Rub' al Khali. "Oh Gramps we'll never get that!" Sonny cried as I said evilly, "old Sonny can't resist the taste of Coco Puffs!"
I held the box of Puffs close to Sonny's face as his face turned into a drill. I used Sonny to drill underground as we began collecting all of the oil. One week later, my oil company was built upon the foundations of a local disco club with Sonny becoming my second in command. I still often use Sonny's addiction to my advantage in order to exploit him for my own gains. Yes I'm quite an arsehole, but can you blame me really? No you can't! So don't even try!
Sorry for that incredibly long tangent; now as I said before; I am very miserable because even know I'm a millionaire I have no real friends apart from Sonny. Even Sonny is just staying with me so he can keep making a million dollars per day. That's just sick and wrong in my humble bumble opinion. Now because of my depressive state; I've been spending a lot of time recently just chilling in my swimming pool watching some cartoons like Futurama, SpongeBob SquarePants, Ed, Edd, N Eddy, The Simpsons, Courage The Cowardly Dog etc. However, one show that I had become extremely attached to in the last few months was none other than Mickey Mouse.
Just to be clear my dearies; I'm talking about the 2013 Mickey Mouse series not the awful and downright heart-breaking series that is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I rarely use this kind of language especially when Sonny's around; but fuck that show man! Moving on from my hatred towards Mickey Mouse Clubhouse; let's talk about the downright amazing 2013 series. Not only is it incredibly faithful to the old Mickey Mouse cartoons of the 30's and 40's; but it also has a certain level of charm to itt which it has successfully managed to maintain for a total of 94 episodes plus 2 specials. Ain't that swell? The show was actually the sole reason I bought a subscription to Disney+. It's the only Disney show I actually care about.
It recently came to my attention that Mickey Mouse was premiering the official season six premiere. I was very excited to see it. Sadly, I had to spend the entire day of the premiere at my company. We were sorting out some problems with an unruly customer who smelt like tacos. "Give me some oil!" The customer yelled angrily as I responded with, "oh okay." I then proceeded to hand the customer a huge cup full of oil. The customer drank the oil down as he yelled, "gotta go fast!" He then died and I had him thrown in a nearby dustbin. Dustbins make your teeth go grey!
That evening, I headed home to my super mansion; and plopped down on my master bed in my master bedroom in order to view the official series six premiere of Mickey Mouse. I held my tablet tight with my feathers as I scanned through the list of episodes until I reached the first episode of series six. The episode was called; "You Can't Bank On Scrooge." The teaser picture for the episode had a picture of Scrooge McDuck getting thrown out of his mansion by two bulldog police officers. The synopsis of the episode was, "Scrooge McDuck ends up becoming bankrupt after Donald spreads rumours to the police. Scrooge then has to learn the hardships of working a normal job." I was even more excited to see it as Scrooge McDuck was my favourite character in the entire Mickey Mouse franchise. Not wanting to wait any longer; I hastily clicked play on the episode as It began with a brief advertisement.
I must admit; I found this rather confusing as Disney+ was supposed to be a commercial free service but I didn't mind really. I was rather high on PG Tips at the time anyway. The commercial which had an Indian man sitting by a really dirty river as a small bottle floated by him. "What's that? A bottle!" The man proclaimed as he ran inside the river and picked up the bottle. He put his hand inside the bottle, and pulled out a small sheet of paper. He looked at the paper and said, "The contents of a liver sausage will always be a mystery." The man then began busting out into a groovy dance which lasted for two hours straight. I wish I was joking. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! They can sing they can dance after all this is France!
Ahem sorry about that; anyways after that nonsense ended the episode began with the title card which read, "You Can't Bank On Scrooge." A horrid picture of Scrooge McDuck's face came on screen, and scared the heck out of me. My feathers were even beginning to turn white!
The episode then began with an outside view of McDuck Manor. Inside the house, Scrooge McDuck was shown sipping on cups of tea in his fancy living room. He was sitting with a small group of wealthy aristocrats. I certainly hope they weren't aristocats. Ha! Anyways, Scrooge and the aristocrats were chatting about how much money they all have. "I say Mr Scrooge how much money do you think you have currently?" One of the aristocrats asked as Scrooge responded with, "how the heck should I know?" Scrooge then took another sip from his cup of tea as a loud knock occurred at the front door of the Manor.
Duckworth answered the door; before getting rudely pushed out of the way as a large team of police officers stormed into the Manor. They made their way inside the living room, and grabbed Scrooge by his neck. "What the heck are you doing with me!? Let me go!" Scrooge demanded as one of the officers responded with, "no can do Mr McDuck. I'm afraid you're under arrest for felony tax evasion and money laundering." "Money laundering? Tax evasion?" Scrooge asked confused as he was thrown inside a patty wagon. "No wait I can explain!" Scrooge cried as the wagon began to drive towards the Palace of Justice.
At the Palace of Justice; Judge Claude Frollo revealed to Scrooge that Scrooge's nephew Donald had told the police that Scrooge owned a massive money printing warehouse over in Mohawk Avenue, and was also heavily involved in money laundering. Donald then went on to tell the police that Scrooge would sell his counterfeit money over to the Faustin Family who would make it into soup. Soup was banned in Mickey Mouse Land so Scrooge was given 25 years in prison. "But... but..." Scrooge was cut off as he was dragged off to jail by two police officers.
A time card then came on screen which read; "two months later." Scrooge McDuck was shown leaving jail having been let out early thanks to Mickey and Goofy bailing him out. Mickey and Goofy had both come to see Scrooge after he was released. "So what are you going to do now Mr McDuck?" Mickey asked as Scrooge responded with, "First I'm going to get my revenge on my nephew, and then I'm going to get my fortune back." Scrooge then turned to face Mickey and asked, "speaking of Donald where is he?" Mickey then laughed nervously while rubbing the back of his head. "What's going on?" Scrooge asked. It was Goofy who answered him by saying, "well Mr McDuck; with you rotting in jail; Donald took control of McDuck Manor. He's converted your money into bitcoins, and is planning on building his very own castle on a hill."
Scrooge then excused himself from the pair's company as he began walking down the streets in order to think about a plan of action. Scrooge sat down on a bench at the local park as he began to contemplate the entire thing in his head. Could Scrooge really be mad at his nephew? Could he really sacrifice a family relationship just for the sake of getting his damn money back? No he couldn't. Scrooge couldn't blame Donald in all honesty. If Scrooge had been in Donald's shoes; he'd of done the exact same thing. Donald's plan in a way had been genius. Lie to the police that his uncle was involved in criminal activities so that he would be able to inherit the mansion. Scrooge had to hand to his dear nephew; he wasn't as dumb as he looked. No Siree he absolutely positively was not! That's when Scrooge decided that he needed a job to help get his mind over the fact he had lost all of his money to Donald Duck.
Scrooge managed to land a job at the local grocers. The grocers was run by a live action man named Norris Fieldsworth. Scrooge quickly grew to despise Norris as he was constantly moaning about things that he didn't even need to moan about. Norris was constantly moaning about the quality of sweets that the shop sold. "Just look at these monstrosities!" Norris moaned before continuing with, "what's wrong with Midget Gems and Shurbert Lemons?" Norris was also constantly worrying about how much money the shop was losing on a daily basis as the grocers was robbed on a weekly basis. Sometimes, daily depending on the direction of the Sun. Ha!
One day. a customer returned a bottle of milk to the store complaining that it was way past it's expiry date. Scrooge happily gave the customer a new bottle of milk along with a refund. That's when Norris appeared on the scene. "You can't be giving out refunds boyio!" Norris yelled angrily as Scrooge asked, "well why not if I may ask?" Norris then proceeded to slap Scrooge across the face as he yelled, "have I taught you nothing boyio!? We keep handing out refunds all willy nilly then we'll have no money left!!" Norris then slapped Scrooge across the face again which prove to be the final straw for Scrooge.
Scrooge got up from the floor and yelled, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Scrooge then proceeded to beat the crap out of Norris. No joke. He beat Norris to a bloody pulp. He then threw Norris out of the window as he yelled, "and stay out!" That's when Scrooge decided that perhaps it was time to get a new job.
I paused the episode briefly and asked if Sonny had finished cooking us dinner. "Sonny you there?" I asked. No response. I assumed that he was probably out at the local Tesco's trying to buy some more Coco Puffs. I went back to watching the episode. However, the nagging worry was still there. Where was Sonny?
I pressed play again and saw that Scrooge had now gotten a job at Captain Hook's boat. Captain Hook owned a massive shelter for the homeless mice and ducks of Mickey Mouse Land. Scrooge was in charge of preparing soup for the mice and ducks to eat. Unlike Norris, Captain Hook was a much more intelligent and far less annoying boss. However, Hook did still have his fair share of problems as he was very stingy and always kept bugging Scrooge about how much soup he gave out for dinner. However, Scrooge could understand Captain Hook's plight as he didn't exactly have that much soup going around.
However, one day just like Norris; Captain Hook ended up pushing Scrooge's buttons too far when Scrooge discovered that Hook had been keeping leftover soup all for himself. "You greedy man!" Scrooge yelled as Hook asked, "what do you think you're doing in my office Scrooge?" "This." Scrooge said as he grabbed Captain Hook by the neck before proceeding to throw him out of the boat into the river. Then a crocodile began tick tocking towards Captain Hook who yelled, "Smee!" Mr Smee then came crashing down the river in a small rowing boat as he began riding off towards the sunset. Hook swam after Smee all the while getting chased down by the crocodile.
Scrooge had finally had enough. He wanted his mansion back. He began driving the boat towards McDuck Manor. Arriving at McDuck Manor, Scrooge crashed the boat into the side of the mansion which created a huge fricking hole. Scrooge used the hole to gain entrance to the mansion. Inside the mansion, Scrooge fought his way through waves upon waves of Donald's guards who had once served Scrooge many moons ago.
Scrooge eventually reached the master bedroom where he saw Donald was just chilling playing GTA V. Donald waved at Scrooge and asked, "hey what's going on Uncle Scrooge?" Scrooge then sat himself down on the very edge of the bed as he gave Donald a very sinister glare. A glare so sinister that even Gordon Ramsey would be scared by it. "Why did you do it Donald?" Scrooge asked as Donald responded with, "do what Uncle Scrooge?" "Why did you sell me out to the police for a crime I didn't commit! Do you have any idea the kind of shit I've gone through these past few months!?" Scrooge yelled angrily at the very top of his lungs.
Donald then sighed heavily as he began to explain his story to Scrooge. Basically, Donald had always dreamed of becoming a millionaire much like Scrooge had in his younger days. Donald had long since grown tired of living in a council house with Huey, Dewey, and Louie. He longed for something more than this provincial life. Was he going to ask Belle to be his wife? Ha only joking friend! I can see you trying to hold back that mighty sailor chuckle. Well keep holding it in boy I've just finished washing the carpet. Donald then went on to say that all he wanted was to drink hot chocolate whilst listening to Cliff Richard without the fear of his damn nephews annoying him all the time.
Scrooge then gave a small light sigh as he asked, "you really mean all that Donald?" "Ha no!" Donald laughed evilly as the doors to the master bedroom swung open as a large army of soldiers came in holding very powerful weapons. They all pointed their weapons towards Scrooge and asked, "any last words dirtbag?" "I love Kung Fu!" Scrooge sang as he was shot full of bullets by the soldiers. Scrooge then collapsed dead covered in wimp rat juice as Donald turned to face the screen and said, "ahoy there!"
The last screen of the episode was of Donald sipping on some hot chocolate in front of the fireplace. Cliff Richard could be heard playing on the radio as Donald said; "ah you did good Donald you did good." And with that the episode ended with no credits. Instead Disney+ just shut itself off.
I then heard a small murmuring noise from behind me, and I turned around to see a weird boot which had eyes and a mouth. The boot said, "hey there Alister!" "Who on Earth are you sonny Jim?" I asked confused. "I'm The Great Bootleg Leg." The boot proclaimed happily as I joked, "sounds like a bunch of hot air to me!" "Wanna see something real bad?" The Great Bootleg asked as I responded with, "no." "Well too bad." The Great Bootleg said as it caused my tablet to start shaking violently. It eventually stopped as I grabbed it in order to take a look at what this so called Great Bootleg had done to my beloved tablet. I switched it on. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW!
The screen of the tablet showed my bank details. All my money had disappeared and I now had $0.00. All of the millions had long since disappeared. How incredibly tragic! How could I have been so foolish? Suddenly, the door to the master bedroom swung open as world famous estate agent Richard Beck came in. I was thrown onto the streets while Sonny was handed the keys by Beck. "It's yours my friend!" Beck said happily before making his leave. "Sonny you got to help me out!" I cried as an unmoved Sonny responded with, "nah!" I was then chased down the streets by Sonny's guards. While running, I ended up running past Honeydew and Beaker who were drinking tea at a local café. The pair pointed and laughed at me. Well Honeydew pointed and laughed at me while Beaker just gave me the middle finger. After awhile, the guards eventually gave up and I began resting at the local library. That's when I realised that I needed a job.
I eventually managed to land a job at my local grocers. My boss who looked remarkably like Norris Fieldsworth treated me like scum, and was very cringey like some kind of Jake Paul. I also didn't have any where to live now so I was forced to stay at Captain Hook's boat. Captain Hook charged people $1 a night to sleep on his boat. It was very smelly on the boat, and Captain Hook always serves fish and chips for breakfast. It's not even cooked very well either. He also always wakes you up at like 5'o clock in the morning before any other creature on this planet has woken up. That's just sick!
One day, I decided to see if I could possibly rent a house from Pig Homes. Pig Homes is a non government funded service which provides easily affordable homes for less fortunate birds like myself. I made my way over to their headquarters, and managed to rent a nice little condo just north of my old mansion. Sadly, problems began to arise when I quickly ran out of money to pay the rent. You see; you had to pay Pig Homes a small loan of $30 each week. It doesn't sound like that much, but trust me when you're working in a grocers it is.
Eventually, I got a visit from my landlord Mr Piggy who owned 75% of Pig Homes. I tried my best to explain to Piggy that I had no money left in my account. This caused Mr Piggy to yell, "do you know what happens when you don't have any money!?" "Um..." I was cut off as Mr Piggy threw me into a small cat carrier. "Now you work for me!" Mr Piggy proclaimed as he took me outside towards his car.
Mr Piggy put me to work on one of his salt mines over on the outskirts of Hyrule. Mr Piggy is a horrible little pig if you don't mind me saying friend. He has a horrid temper. If anyone refuses to do their work; Mr Piggy hands the little fecker over to Big Smile Lee. Now that's true fear isn't it friend? I help Mr Piggy mine salt which he then sells on to Tesco or other Supermarket chains. Mr Piggy makes a killing from this and is able to use that money to buy houses. The houses are then put on sale for Pig Homes. Mr Piggy and his boss who is on the scheme have made sure that the rent on the houses is so unaffordable that people are forced to work for Piggy at his salt mines. He owned about 10 salt mines which spanned across the entirety of Hyrule. Only Link can save me now.
Perhaps I deserved all this cruelty in the end. After all, all I ever did when I had money was bitch and moan. So perhaps karma finally got to me. Working for Mr Piggy isn't so bad as he always thanks us profusely for all our hard work. However just like Scrooge McDuck; I'm beginning to contemplate getting revenge on my piece of shit grandson. He stole everything from me. Last I heard; Sonny had just taken a private jet to Vice City. That bastard! He probably snitched on me to the police just like Donald did to Scrooge in that episode. Oh I've got to go now friend. For I've got some scheming to do!
Originally on Geoshea's Lost Episodes Wiki
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