"Happy as two pigs in shit"
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This is so messed up, guys! I'm freaking the fuck out right now! So check it: i started hangin' with this chick, Nina, my second year of college. She was mad cute and goth-y and shit and I totally wanted to bone her. She loved reading r/shittynosleep and we would always try to find the spoopiest stories. Eventually, we ended up moving in together but just as friends (although i still wanted to wax that ass).
So, one night we were lounging around watching a movie and cramming down Taco Bell and Mountain Dew. I was casually browsing shittynosleep on my phone and came across a story so 3spoopy420me that I HAD to show Nina. I scooted close to her chubby little ass and gave her my phone.
"Read THAT, you taco loving skeezer!," I bellowed in her ear.
"Why the fuck are you yelling at me you fat, sloppy bastard?!," she shrieked back. She's always calling me cute little names like that. She loves joking that I'm a big fat worthless dickhead with a shitty neck beard and bad skin. Adorable. Anyway...
"Just read it. It's spooooopy as fuck," I told her.
As she read the story she seemed to become sweaty and shaky. "No you dont," I said. "You're staying here til you finish that story."
"Let me up! I think i am going to shit!," she screamed.
"Bullshit," i said, "stop fucking around and read."
Then it hit me.
The gurgling in my stomach. The pressure in my ass pipes.
I was gonna shit, as well.
I jumped off Nina's lumpy lap and made a dash for the bathroom. Nina was right on my heels.
"I need to get in there first, you tubby fuck!" she yelled.
"Not today, bitch! Not to-day!"
Just then I sharted and creamy brown butt-juice sprayed out the legs of my shorts. Nina slipped in the slop and grabbed me for support. We both toppled to the ground as the shit still leaked from my big fat ass. Nina (who, mind you, is no lightweight herself) landed on top of me with a thud.
"You nasty son of a bitch! This is your fault! Now THIS is happening," she warned.
That's when Nina pushed herself up off of me, took down her sweatpants, and squatted over my chest.
"Nina, you don't have to do this. Please, don't."
It was too late.
Nina's ass un-puckered and let loose a hell-fire of chunky salsa shit. She just let it go, man. I was getting coated in shit. It was warm and it stunk like shit.
I screamed.
I cried.
I tried to go to another place in my mind. A happy place.
It was running up (or down, I guess) my man tits and oozing around my neck. The debris from the spray was hitting my face.
"How's that, you dumpy fucktard?," she asked. "You like that, fatboy?"
I have to admit: I kinda DID like it.
Now Nina and I are closer than ever. "Happy as two pigs in shit," she likes to say. It's become our Friday night ritual these days. I bring Nina some Taco Bell and let her load up; she gets to shit all over me, both verbally AND literally.
Happy as two pigs in shit.
Credited to PoopymanV
Originally uploaded on January 30, 2015
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