An Englishman's Horror
-THIS WAS TAKEN FROM A DIARY ENTRY FROM THE MAN NAMED ENGLISH McMAHON-
31st February, 1952
Oh hello there nosy reader! Now what might a plonker like yourself be doing in my diary? Oh anyway, I was thinking of making a little diary thingy to keep my cracking events recorded, 'know what I mean? Well, I just hope that I can keep my noggin to remember to write in this wee booklet. I'll see how it goes, eh?
So how do I start a new day? Do I just wait until tomorrow then write the date? Ah I'll just do that then. G'Night then pal!
1st March, 1952
By Golly! Isn't that just nifty! I started a wee booklet diary thingy and the day later a cracking thing happened! Not exactly cracking in a good way, but it was rather peculiar. My tea was gone! For golly's sake I was going to have some while I watched Harry Potter! At least I have my buttered cheesy crackers eh? I could have done with a diggy though... Ah well, I've already written this in. And I need to catch that pesky tea thief, whoever that bloke might be.
3rd March 1976
Haven't written in a few years. Wanna know why?
Because I couldn't be arsed.
Anyway, after a few years I haven't got my tea back. Or I could just pop down to the shoppie and get some.
No tea. FOR GOLLY'S SAKE!
Well apart from that, when I was down at the shop there was this bloke in small rimmed spectacles, scruffy black hair, and he was wearing some strange robes.
Where had I seen him before? Hmm, now my noggins working I'd seen him on the telly.
Oh well too late to get an autograph now eh? Haha, that's really it today, all I did all day was whack a brick against my noggin and eat diggies, or digestive biscuits. And I WOULD of had tea IF I HAD ANY! Oh well, G'Night!
2 hours after I wrote that, my diggies are gone! What in golly's name is happening?! This must be a true nightmare. G'night.
4th March, 1976 Time is currently 4:00pm
Still not found any diggies or tea. This is worrying. I can't live with no diggies or tea! But I have set up a wee trap. I popped down to the shop to get some diggies and I've set them out in the garden. Now, my tea got stolen a few years ago at the exact time of 4:55pm. Wait a second, so did my diggies! So if I wait until 4:55pm, then this pesky thieving lad should come at that time. Ok, it's all planned out now. G'night! Wait, the next entry won't be tomorrow, and it's not even night time. So I guess... See Y'later? Cracking!
4th March 1976 Time is currently 5:10pm
You'll never believe who it was. Ok, yeah maybe you have guessed it by now since it's so cliche. It was that bloke I saw at the shop! Hmm, yes his appearance is finally coming to mind. Oh my. No. No way. I need to check this.
IT'S HARRY POTT- Ahem, DANIEL RADCLIFFE! Meh, what's the difference everyone knows him as Harry Potter anyway.
But still! Why would a brill lad like him come stealing my precious gems of tea and diggies? I need to ask him.
29th June, 2014
It took me so long to find him since he is so busy wasting his time with movies. But when I did ask him, he simply said
"For the English dream."
What?
4th July, 2014
Now he's taken my Harry Potter movies.
Gosh.
But why?
What is the English dream?
So many questions...
Oh no. On the news, it says the Queens crown has been STOLEN! And apparently, the thief has not been caught.
5th July, 2014
Oh gosh... I'm feeling a wee bitty groggy today. There is some blokes voice going around in my head saying "It is almost complete..." Things on the news saying, "Harry Pott- Daniel Radcliffe Missing!" And even "Crackers in Britain are becoming scarce."
Is this the English Apocalypse?
6th July, 2014
By far, this is the oddest day of the lot. I woke up in a blank white room with an English flag on the floor. But in the red cross section, there was a big black cauldron with a white and red mixture inside. A man with a wand was stirring it.
IT WAS HARRY POTTER!
Behind him, in the far corner of the room, was a stash of all sorts of thingymabobbers. Such as crackers, tea bags, diggies, and the queens crown. There were also an English flag, the whole Harry Potter series, and even a man.
"Ah, here you are. Now to finish the ritual I need your pen that you write your diary with."
"Wait, why?" I exclaimed.
"To finish the ritual of course."
I would do anything for Harry Potter. Without hesitation I handed over the pen.
He slipped it in the cauldron, it sparking.
Then crackers.
Then the flag.
...
And finally the teabags. There were now nothing left in the corner, it all went in the cauldron. Including the man.
He stirred it up with an invisible force with his wand.
I just stood there golly-mannered.
"Yes, it's finished! Now English McMahon drink this."
How did he know my name? Well, he IS a wizard... I digested the rather odd tasting potion.
It tasted of...
Crackers, diggies, tea, cheese, everything cracking!
"The ritual is complete! And now all crackers, tea, digestive biscuits, and everything english is gone! You may ask why, well I'm tired of the stereotype of English people just drinking tea and watching Harry Potter all day!"
Everything English?
EVERYTHING?!
Oh no, I'm English!
Oh golly go-
I died... so stop reading. I got cut short from what I was saying because I vanished so... if you were expecting me to finish that sentence... YOU GET THE IDEA I'M DEAD OK?
-THE DIARY SUDDENLY STOPS, WE SUSPECT HE VANISHED FROM EXISTENCE. THIS DIARY HAS BEEN USED AS EVIDENCE OF HOW LIFE WAS LIKE FOR THE ENGLISHMAN. NOW HERE, IN 2398, ENGLAND NO LONGER EXISTS.-
The end.
...
Why are you still here?
Oh yeah, AND THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT OF THE REMAINS OF ENGLAND.
Just like how England vanished...
...YOU'RE NEXT (to vanish)
There. Ugh I'm not very good at endings. Just leave. Uhh what's a good word to end a story on... Ooooh, how about a word related to the story, that'll make it REAL spooky! How about...
G'Night... (2spooky4u huh?)
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