Framing Aardvarks And Where To Find Them (Pink Panther And Pals Lost Episode)
Alright! Alright! I've had my time! Close my eyes, and let the crow bells shine like a Christmas tree. I never asked for this trouble! All I did was try and make my town a safer place! I didn't realise that I was the real reason that things were going wrong. I'm just a simple child with a love for Flora Butter, what was I to do? Hello, my um... my name is Billy Coolville. Forgive me, for starting on such a sad note, but this story does not have a very happy ending either. I am currently a student at Hartley Dale School... or well at least I was. Allow me to explain, I was failing classes lately by bunking off and robbing sweet shops. The school informed my parents that I was on my last legs, and they tried to get me to care more about school by hiring me an incredibly scary maths tutor named Mr Willis who smells of gone off fish. I ended up kicking Willis in the leg and I never did see him again after this incident. Quite glad of that fact really. My parents never really cared about me anyway, they only wanted me to learn more so that I could one day leave the nest so to speak and attend Coolville University like my father had done so many moons ago. Not longer after the disastrous maths tutoring debacle, my school received a visit from Police Commissioners Sam and Max who had come to give our school a talk all about the different kinds of crimes, and what we can do to keep ourselves safe while the world is still made of bricks and people still have to pay for air. Needless to say, for the first time in forever, I found myself enthralled by the words of my educators.
Sam and Max took pity on me, and they told all kinds of stories from their times as Freelance Police Officers. I even got to have my lunch with them! Sam bit onto a massive chicken leg as he joked, "oh man you should have seen those Swammy Swans go! Man could they sing!" I then told Sam and Max I wished to become a police officer like them in the future, but they very polity shut me down. Max rested his arm upon my head as if it was an arm rest as he remarked, "no offense kid, but you'd never quite make it on the force." 'I'll show them!' I had thought as I pretended to agree to Max's point. Afterwards, I gave Sam and Max a tour of my school and expressed my desires that I wanted more than this provincial life, but Sam and Max had other ideas. The three of us headed outside into the school's brand new parking lot provided to them by Thneed Industries, and we started throwing stones at the bees and wasps which occupied a nearby shrub which was dedicated to Great Grandmother Edgar. I ended up laughing like a deranged seal when one of the bees a big ole bumble ended up causing a leaf it was sitting on to collapse onto the ground. Likely as a result of it's weight. After getting over my laughing fit, I found myself getting pulled back inside the school and getting yanked by the ear by headteacher; Professor Crabblesnitch. That afternoon, I bid farewell to Sam and Max as they left the school in their car. I gave them a wink to which Max responded by trying to shoot at me with his machine gun. Relax, it was filled with banana mush. Gone off banana mush, but banana mush never the less. I was about to head to my final class of the day only to get myself called into the lion's den for an audience with Professor Crabblesnitch who was very angry with me. For the first time since I've known him, Crabblesnitch gave in full rein to his anger as he yelled, "I should have you put away where you can't hurt or maim our bees, but this is Hartley Dale and you're rich and famous!" For some odd ass reason, Crabblesnitch thought that I was the only one throwing stones at the poor little insects, and that Sam and Max were actually trying their best to stop me from harming them any further.
Thankfully, Crabblesnitch was not completely heartless as he informed me that he was not going to expel me right away. No instead, he was going to appoint me as the new hall monitor and I would have to act as hall monitor until he believed that I had learnt my lesson. Needless to say, I was very excited as I have always dreamed of one day getting a chance to become hall monitor. I got handed my brand new uniform and started sniffing like a mad man as Crabblesnitch cleared his throat. Very loudly I might add. Crabby then proceeded to hold up a box full of tissues as he pointed at me and said, "now remember boy, you will have a clean nose so keep it clean or else I shall clean it myself!" Yes, Crabby is obsessed with noses and there's a rumour swirling all around Hartley Dale that he has a whole collection of people's noses stored in his basement or possibly his attic depending on who you ask. After getting my uniform on, I noticed a small red fire ant on the floor next to Crabblesnitch. When I pointed it out, Crabblesnitch slammed his massive sasquatch shoe onto the poor little insect killing it instantly, Ole Crabby was a known sufferer of myrmecophobia so this didn't surprise me too much, but still tone it down a bit will you matey boy? After leaving the lion's den, I started scouting the halls when I heard the bell ring for home time. A door ended up getting swung right in my face as my arch nemesis Blonde Gavin appeared on the scene accompanied by his gang of chimney sweepers. Yes, Hartley Dale High School teaches chimney sweeping as there's a massive job market for chimney sweepers down here in ole Hartley Dale. Gavin pointed at my hall monitor uniform as he joked, "so you're the new hall monitor eh Billy? Oh please, don't make me laugh! Oh that's rich!" The fat prick then started laughing so fucking much to which caused me to awkwardly say, "it wasn't that funny."
There was a reason why Blonde Gavin hated me so, but I couldn't for the life of me say what it possibly could have been. After escaping Blonde Gavin and his crew who started dancing towards me because they knew that smelly dance moves have the power to make me sick real quick. I took a quick detour past Crabblesnitch's office where I overheard him after having a heated discussion with head of the maths department; Mr Hattrick. Hattrick was very fat and also was known for having a rather violent temper, and this is the reason why people dreaded handing in their test papers to him. He would eat the papers up in order to demonstrate how truly cross he was. "Look, I'm telling you Boss, I overheard that someone or some people are planning on releasing fire ants during your big speech to the visiting schools at tomorrow morning's assembly." I grinned ear to ear after hearing this development, but naturally ole Crabby being a man of very dull imagination dismissed Hattrick by shouting, "a complete load of bullocks! Please tell me Hattrick this isn't just some vain attempt to get some get out of work time now is it?" Leaving the school, I felt ecstatic that I had finally gotten my chance to impress Professor Crabblesnitch with my skills, as well as prove to Sam and Max as well as my parents that I am fully capable of becoming a police officer in the future. Tomorrow was Friday, and my school was receiving a visit from the schools all around Great Britain and beyond including Bazooka City, Oakton City, and even London. What about Yorkshire? We can only dream friend we can only dream. The idea to release fire ants during Crabblesnitch's big speech was of course in a way a very smart and brilliant plan, it would send ole Crabby baby running for the hills while the rest of the student body and visiting teachers are attacked by waves and waves of incredibly dangerous and seriously pissed off fire ants.
Naturally, my first suspect for the crime was Blonde Gavin, so I decided to hang around the Hartley Dale churchyards which was a great place to break legs, and from across the street, I could see Gavin and his boys toilet papering some old duffer's house. Sensing an opportunity to prove myself, I ran towards Blonde Gavin and his boys screaming like a mad rat as I did so. Confronting Blonde Gavin, I pulled out a pen and notepad as I said, "son you are in a whole heap of trouble." That's when the front door to the house ended up opening as Blonde Gavin and his crew of chimney sweeps fled the scene. I ended up getting the last laugh however as Blonde Gavin ended up getting ran over by a car. I meanwhile was held at gunpoint by the house owner; Don Archimbaldo who was holding an old Victorian style candle and he had a parrot sitting atop his shoulder. "Who is you?" Archimbaldo asked as he got ready to lay down the law, but that's when I came up with a rather sneaky plan. What if I were to lie? "Just your friendly neighbourhood Junior Police Officer." I said with a smirk. Archimbaldo couldn't see through my quite frankly terrible lie as he proceeded to invite me inside his crib for some honey comb. The honey comb was really bad even though I kept licking my fingers after every bite. I mean the bloody things had bee larvae inside of them, but I had to keep eating as Archimbaldo was watching me all the while pulling the smuggest smug face that has ever been smugged. After just managing to force down the honey combs, Archimbaldo headed into his kitchen as he said, "I have more food!" He then pulled out large plates full of salmon sandwiches which is when I made up an excuse claiming to have gotten an urgent radio call.
Don Archimbaldo sank down onto his chair placing his hands onto his face. The parrot whose name was Prado by the by took a dump on his master's head, as Archimbaldo said, "it's a darn shame. I really wanted to ask for some police assistance." "Oh and why is this?" I asked as I began picking at one of the many salmon sandwiches much to Prado's disgust. Archimbaldo pointed up towards the ceiling as he said, "the guy who lives above me, he's the restless type. The other day, I saw him loading five massive crates into his apartment which were all labelled South African Fire Ants." Archimbaldo cleared his throat as he then continued with, The Council and I have told him time and time again, that's he not too have any pets or animals of any kind while living here. If he don't like it, Prado and I have told him he can just find himself somewhere else to live." I offered to scope the person out as I knew I had finally found myself my culprit. Ushered upstairs by Archimbaldo, I was rudely thrown into the lodger's apartment which was very smelly and damp. i made my way over to the fridge and saw loads of really dodgy looking food which were all wrapped inside plastic bags with zippers on them. I opened up the freezer and saw a seal monster hybrid wiggling about singing tunes from his time working on the oil rigs. I slammed that damn freezer shut when I heard the front door a clicking as the lodger made his way onto the scene. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was Honey Monster! Former mascot for Sugar Puffs cereal and Sugar Puffs Incorporated. What's he's got a hold of Vercetti's leash? I ducked behind the sofa, as Honey Monster came into the living room discarding his various bills onto the pavement as he said, "oh man what a day! I must phone Dominic about getting the rest of my stuff over here."
Ole Honey Monster headed into his kitchen in order to get himself a little snack, I meanwhile crept on all fours towards the basement whose door thankfully wasn't locked. Inside the basement, I was overjoyed to see box after box after box stacked up. Grabbing a nearby crowbar, I opened up one of the crates only to discover it was filled with boxes of delicious Sugar Puffs. I tried another box only to have the same thing happen. More Sugar Puff boxes. You know something? I don't think he did ya know? Wanting to question Archimbaldo about his claims, I got ready to leave the apartment only for Honey Monster to come out of the kitchen right as I was heading towards the front door. I hid behind the couch as Honey sat down farting violently as he did so much to my disgust. There was a balcony on the far side of the living room which overlooked the various rooftops of Hartley Dale, you could even see the school over in the distance. I debated making a break for it, but decided against it when I heard Honey put his legs up on the coffee table as he began flicking through the channels. Eventually, he stumbled across Boomerang which was showing a brief advertisement which had my mother's best friend since nursery; Chef Walrus cooking up some Rilla Roo stew. "Ah you owe me fresh meat for my pot!" Chef Walrus proclaimed as he pulled out Rilla Roo who was strapped to a chopping board with an apple wedged into his mouth. Rilla Roo managed to spit the apple out which made me feel hard like a motherducking race car, he then cried, "oh Ramie Roo!" Rilla Roo then hopped off the chopping board and made a break for the fire exit all the while getting chased by Chef Walrus. Dawning a meat cleaver, Chef Walrus could be heard yelling off screen, "come back here boy!"
After that horrid ad ended, I heard the boomerang announcer guy say that Pink Panther And Pals was coming on next and it was going to be a super special episode all about Ant and Aardvark. I hadn't seen Pink Panther And Pals in fucking years! It's basically a modern day retelling of Pink Panther and his friends' adventures. I didn't really care that much for the Pink Panther and Big Nose bits when I was a wee little three year old, as i was more interested in the antics of Ant and Aardvark. Oh, how I really fucking hate that Ant! He has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard! Seriously, I just want there to be an episode where Aardvark eats that little bugger! That bastard ant is so sick and cruel that he actively teases Aardvark to chase him even when the latter is busy trying to focus on his stamp collecting hobby. Do you have a death wish or something Ant? I hoped that this episode would have that happen to Ant, and even though I was in a hurry to escape the apartment and speak to Archimbaldo, something in my ass told me to watch the episode first. So i did. Oh man, that was pretty fucking stupid. Honey Monster let out another massive fart as he began digging into a bag of cheesy quavers very loudly I might add as the episode began with a brief cold opener. Pink Panther was shown walking through the desert when his fur turned green. Pink clicked his fingers which made a glass of lemonade appeared in front of him magically. He drank the lemony lemonade down which caused him to explode into a million tiny bite size pieces! Pink's head then fell onto the floor and it turned to face the screen as Pink gave me a wink. That's when I felt the unmistakable urge to vomit!
Needing to vomit, I ran out from cover which caused Honey Monster to tackle me down onto the ground. He got ready to thump my daylights out as he yelled, "who the heck are you!? What are you doing here in my place without an invitation!? Start talking cookie!" He then began strangling me with his immense strength as I pointed at the TV which now had Rilla Roo twerking on it. Honey Monster turned to face the TV as he covered his eyes with his hand as he yelled, "ah!" He then proceeded to jump out of his window while I made myself comfy on the sofa. I turned my attention towards the TV as the theme song then finally started for real. The theme was wrong but in a funny way. For starters, Big Nose's dog ended up leaping on top of Big Nose and tore him to shreads. During the part, where Aardvark is shown using a jetpack he ended up crashing through the ceiling which caused Ant to smile at the screen with the smuggest face that I have ever seen and trust me I've seen Smug Attack 1 and 2. Also, for some reason, Aardvark was green instead of blue during the theme song which made me gag violently. Thankfully, he went back to being blue for the regular episode, but don't do to that me ya know? After the theme song ended, the episode began with the title card which read, "Framing Aardvarks And Where To Find Them." It featured Aardvark looking at some tiny foot prints with a magnifying glass. Pink Panther is also there eating a donut and looking at the screen with a very smug face albeit not as smug as the one that Ant pulled earlier. Thank goodness for that I say!
The episode started in the smelly jungle, Aardvark was shown placing some apples out of Ant's home. "Oh yes, these'll do the trick! That little ant eats these and he'll be deader than Dead Bart." Aardvark said as he then hid behind an old oak tree. Ant came out from his ant hill and looked over the apples over. Knowing fully well that Aardvark had done something to the apples, Ant decided to pull a wicked prank on a nearby security guard named Jerry Gas. Jerry Gas was an incredibly sad man who sells clothes to people in an attempt to forget about his wife who is forcing him to put his sons through to Fordham much to his chagrin. Ant offered Jerry one of the apples, and Jerry gladly accepted it. He ate the apple up, but then held his stomach in pain as he cried, "oh no!" He then proceeded to slowly waddle over to a nearby restroom as his intestines started to burst out from his body. What on Earth did Aardvark do to those apples? "Oh I really hate that Ant!" Aardvark whined at the top of his lungs as he jumped out from behind the oak tree, and gave chase to Ant. That Ant was so cruel as he ended up leading Aardvark all around the jungle until the latter eventually needed to take a breather. Leaning up against a rock, Aardvark started to feel a little peckish which is when Ant offered him one of the apples from earlier. Too hungry to even think about it, Aardvark happily took one of the apples and shoved it into his massive gob. His intestines then proceeded to burst out from his trunk... I think as he then leaped high into the early morning sky. The Ant using a pair of binoculars was able to watch Aardvark as he flew far away and he remarked, "an apple a day keeps the aardvark away!" Fucking Ant. Following a lengthily visit to the hospital, Aardvark was able to get his guts stuffed back in and he decided that it was time to quit chasing Ant once again.
It's worth noting that Aardvark had tried quitting once more, and he took up a very nice stamp collecting hobby. He had a pretty sweet collection going too. It was all going well until that bastard Ant came by and tempted Aardvark to chase him. Oh, I hate that Ant! I really do! Aardvark sank onto his half rotten sofa as he started browsing the TV in order to hopefully give some ideas on what career path he'd like to pursue. He eventually stumbled across a Nate Hamilton comedy stand up special, and realised that perhaps being a stand up comic was his one true calling in life. So that very same day, Aardvark booked himself an audition at the jungle talent agency and they were so impressed by his performance that they offered him a spot in their farce live show; Comedians At Breakfast. Comedians At Breakfast was an incredibly smelly stand up morning show which was made in the hopes of getting people so happy that they can make it through the day. But that would be penny foolish if I may so myself. The following morning, Aardvark had his very first performance which featured him wearing a beatnik sweater and a cigar as he talked about his times working on the shipyards over in New Bordeaux. His performance was a hit with audiences who loved it when Aardvark began to share some comedic anecdotes about his time chasing Ant. After performing his first show, Aardvark was approached by talent producer; Governor Frank Burning who was so impressed with Aardvark's performance that he wished to give him his very own live tour. Gobsmacked, Aardvark ate a salmon egg roll as he asked, "you're kidding right?" "I'm deadly serious!" Frank proclaimed like some kind of local bishop as he called out a contract from his ass for Aardvark to sign. "Just sign right here at the bottom of the page." Frank said whist handing Aardvark a bull point pen.
Before Aardvark could get a chance to sign the contract, a loud scream ended up taking him and Governor Frank Burning out of their thoughts as they raced out of the studio and into the parking lot where they saw a very stupid looking elephant which had a massive splinter wedged into it's foot. I don't know what elephant feet are called alright? Anyways, the elephant was crying as Frank Burning placed a cigar into it's mouth and asked, "who did this to you?" Suddenly, Ant appeared from the shadows behind the elephant and pointed accusingly at Aardvark as he said in a harsh but wet voice, "he did this! Aardvark did this!" He glared right into Aardvark's soul much to my chagrin. Aardvark placed a hand onto his chest as he said, "oh that's crazy talk... I mean really." For some reason, during that last line, Aardvark sounded very aroused likely trying to remember how much a bottle of water costs while on the train after a lengthily day of Christmas shopping. All the animals proceeded to gang around Aardvark, but he kept protesting his innocence. Governor Frank Burning glared at Aardvark as he began tearing the contract in half only for Aardvark to grab hold of it as he sang, "now let's not be too hasty!" "Why not?" Frank asked as he fully believed The Ant's story. Aardvark not wanting to cost his possible future in the stand up comedy business protested that he be given a chance to prove his innocence as part of the Coco Pops promise. Frank Burning rubbed his chin in contempt as he said, "oh well, I never thought of it that way. Very good point dearest Aardvark." He then proceeded to light himself a cigar as he said, "you gots three days to prove yourself at the County Hall just past Droser Station. Ya know it?" "Um come again?" Aardvark asked, but this was ignored as everyone had already departed the scene including the elephant with the splinter still wedged into the sole of it's feet. You know, you might want to get that out of there you stupid elephant before it contracts the gangrene
There was only one person in the entire jungle and surrounding city that could help Aardvark out on a job like this. He needed.... he needed.... he needed a tailor. Ha! Only joking, he needed Pink Panther. Just one problem, Pink was busy filming an advert for Pink Panther Wafer Biscuits. The ad featured Pink bored while being given a very boring tour of the Grierson Gallery. He ends up nearly falling asleep in front of an old oil painting of the Tetley Tea Factory, but he wakes himself up by eating a Pink Panther Wafer Biscuit. Although, Pink never actually got to eat the biscuit as he was pulled away by Aardvark who wished to speak to him urgently. Once outside the gallery, Aardvark sat down on a bench as he explained his predicament over to Pink who laughed hysterically at the parts where Aardvark talked about his stand up comedy routine, and how he hoped to pursue a career in stand up as opposed to chasing Ant for the rest of his life. "There's a million other ants out there, and I'm busy focusing on one! Just one!" Aardvark cried as Pink using sign language asked him some questions regarding any possible suspects. It was quite clear to the pair, that Aardvark was being framed and they had no doubt in their minds that Ant was behind it. But what if not? What I mean to say is; what if Ant only part of the scheme and that the whole thing was being plotted by someone much bigger and far more dangerous that Aardvark and Pink Panther could ever possibly imagine. For the remainder of the episode up until the big court case at the end, the episode was now shown in a black and white noire animation as Pink and Aardvark dawned themselves stereotypical detective clothes and began riding around the jungle in a rusty old 1950's Cadillac.
The pair's first stop was an old dodgy alleyway just north of Bunker Street. Aardvark opted to check it out on his own, while Pink checked out the local churchyards which as stated earlier are a great place to break legs. Arriving at the alleyway, Aardvark found himself confronted by a gang of smelly cats dubbed by the press as The Back Alley Cat Mafia. The Back Alley Cat Mafia were very rude towards Aardvark, and didn't seem to understand why he bothered to hunt ants for. Maybe because he's a bloody anteater you dolts! Then for some unexplained reason, the Back Alley Cat Mafia decided to have themselves a really horrid musical number which was so bad it'll make you ass itch and bleed out egg shells at a rather alarming rate. "What do we care about ants? What do we care about feet?" The Cat Mafia sang as they ganged up on Aardvark. They then started clicking their paws as they got closer and closer to him. At one point in the song, the Alley Mafia's faces appeared on a billboard as the song suddenly switched to being a dark and gritty rock opera all about how you should not buy kitchen roll, and should instead buy tea bags made from Tesco. What was Tesco sponsoring this episode or something? Eventually, the Alley Cats ended up falling down a conveniently placed sinkhole as Aardvark started to reconvene with Pink.
Elsewhere, Pink wasn't fairing much better as he had decided to skip the churchyards in favour of instead asking local milkman; Scott some questions. Ole Scott was a milkman obvs who had a real hatred for cats. But he was known catnaper as he preferred to poison cats by feeding them tuna laced with sunflower oil. Scott The Milkman was very rude towards Pink and threatened him over the counter by sending his army of fleas after Pink. Yes, Scott keeps an army of fleet trapped inside an old wood chipper in the hopes of causing a world wide flea epidemic which will cause all the cats and dogs in the world to be thrown into the river much to his delight. Well, I did say he was no catnaper but I didn't say he was no psycho did I? After getting some fleas on his fur, Pink offered to paint Scott's house for a fee, and he did so very terribly as he ended up drilling a hole right through Scott's painting of the Yorkshire Hills. Scott pulled a shotgun out from his ear and aimed at Pink as he threatened him with, "you best leave right now, if you know what's good for you." Ruling out Scott as the most likely candidate, Pink left Scott's shop and was very interested in seeing what Aardvark had come up with. The pair reconvened in the town square in order to discuss their findings. Just across the square look at Quasi there! Sorry about that, now, Aardvark could not believe that Scott would attack an elephant as he owned a baby elephant for some years until he eventually sold it to an elephant crisis centre in Bazooka City which isn't run very well. The lady running the crisis gets very distracted by the handsome security guard who keeps nicknaming her New York because quite frankly he's rather racist.
While Pink had been busy interrogating Scott The Milkman, Aardvark had done some more investigations of his own and eventually found out about an elephant charity organisation based in the very heart of the jungle just a few square yards from Aardvark's home turf. "It's called The Elephant Heater Society." Aardvark explained while showing off some pictures of the organisation and their work to Pink. The Society's aim was to make wooden slippers for elephants who were extra chilly and for elephants that had to load crates out in the cold, cold, cold! The slippers were also made for elephants who needed a little help getting through the briar bash. Stealing a nearby smelly kid's skateboard, both Aardvark and Pink began racing towards the Society's headquarters based in the parking lot of the local Tesco Extra. Yes, there was seriously a Tesco Extra in the middle of the fucking jungle, and this was the result of some big wig property developers who had bigger plans than trees if you catch my drift. Arriving at the Society's headquarters, Aardvark and Pink were denied entry so a montage then showed the pair trying various things to get inside the headquarters. They tried using morse code, doing a little puppet show all about sometimes you feel hot and that's called arousal, and then an improv magic trick from Pink. The magic trick went horribly wrong as Pink ended up sawing his assistant in half for real as he didn't know how the trick was supposed to work. The security guards and nearby paramedics who had been chowing on a sandwich came to the assistant's aid as Aardvark and Pink crept their way inside.
The headquarters was a very beautiful building but it soon turned dark once Aardvark and Pink came across some rather DISGUSTING looking pictures of elephants getting splinters jammed into the soles of their feet. Aardvark rubbed his trunk along one of the pictures as he said, "now who do you suppose...." He was cut off as both he and Pink were knocked out by a mysterious assailant. Awaking some hours later in a daze, Aardvark found himself dangling above a huge scary plant which could actually talk and was singing about how you needed to feed it. It was quite funny actually, but that's when the head of the Society came in and revealed himself to be none other than Big Nose himself. He was accompanied by Ant. "Ant!" Aardvark yelled as he then continued, "I should have known you'd of been behind this! I tried to go straight why do you delight in torturing me so?" "When I was a little ant, all I ever wanted was to torment aardvarks." Ant explained as he then continued, "y'all can't hate on me Aardie, that's just the way I was raised. Me pop he used to fight the aardvarks during The Great War Of 87. Tormenting aardvarks is just in my DNA. Without tormenting you, I lose my purpose in life and my parents will sell me to the chocolate factory over in Townsend Street which produces chocolate ants." Oh my gosh Ant! Get to the fucking point will you!? Ant and Big Nose's evil plan was simple, They planned to frame Aardvark for the splinter incident, and they also planned to blame him for getting splinters into the feet of elephants all across the world. It was part of a massive conspiracy ya see, Once Aardvark is locked up, Ant and Big Nose will use their funds to leave the jungle and begin a worldwide genocide of the aardvarks. Ant then turned to face the plant as he sang, "time for dinner time for dinner. Are you ready? Are you ready?"
The plant latched onto Aardvark with one it's vines, but just as it was going to bite into him and Pink, Aardvark ended up screaming an both average scream as the ground beneath the headquarters began to suddenly shake violently. "What's happening?" Ant asked like some kind of Aku Aku as all of the sudden a massive hole appeared in the ground as a big lipped alligator leaped out from it. The alligator ended up crashing onto the ceiling where it grabbed a hold of a massive lever which controlled the water system for the headquarters. Naturally, he gave that lever a right good pull which resulted in the entire area flooding very quickly. Big Nose attempted to swim away only to come face to face with the Big Lipped Alligator who proclaimed, "hello handsome!" He then proceeded to chase Big Nose down brutally eating him alive but that was in a deleted scene of course. Elsewhere, Aardvark, Pink, and Ant had managed to escape the scene unscathed as the waters from the headquarters ended up flooding the entire jungle. Ant surfed through the air on a massive surfboard, until he eventually got picked up by Aardvark who sang, "oh look it's some circling birds, bet you they're gonna eat our corpses!" Before Aardvark could have a chance to eat Ant, he ended up getting picked up by a flock of seagulls who proceeded to carry him off into the sunset. Meanwhile, Pink picked up Ant and eyed him up and down. He then proceeded to shove Ant into his disgusting ear lobe as he looked at the screen with the most smug face I think I have ever seen.
With Ant and Big Nose dead, there was no one left standing in Aardvark and Pink's way. Aardvark ended up abandoning his dreams of becoming a stand up comic and instead went back to his stamp collecting hobby eventually taking up a job as a postman. Governor Burning understood completely why Aardvark made the decision he did, and was more than supportive which seems very out of character for ole Burning if we're being honest here people. Meanwhile, Pink using the rundown ruins of the Elephant Heater Society Headquarters, he was able to build his very own dog grooming business which earned him a great deal of dosh. The episode then ended with the credits which were in slow motion, and after the credits were over, a SICK clip was shown which had Red and Yellow M&M using an X Ray on each other's bodies. Yellow attempted to use the X Ray on his own body only to be heartbroken when he saw there was nothing more than a simple peanut. Red looked very aroused as he turned to face the screen and remarked, "ooh seasick!" His eyebrows.... were so fucking huge. Please help I really don't like the look of them! I nearly shit me self as the TV came to show some commercials as I suddenly realised that it already Friday morning! Where had the time gone? It would appear that time does indeed fly fast when you're having fun. Just as I was about to get off from the floor and leave the apartment, I saw the TV cut to static as a brand new scene came on which had Blonde Gavin and his goons waving at the screen. Don Archimbaldo was also there and was pulling a triumphant face. It was just as I had expected! The pair had lured me into a trap! Honey Monster was nothing more than an elaborate red herring, Blonde Gavin had paid Archimbaldo to trick me into thinking that ole Honey was responsible. While I harassed Honey, Blonde Gavin and his goons were free to steal as many ants as they possibly could in order to humiliate Doctor Crabblesnitch. Not wanting that to happen, I ran out of the apartment screaming like a mad man which caused one of Honey's roommates who was wearing a horrifying green goblin mask to throw a brick at me.
Arriving at Hartley Dale High School, I snuck past the various classrooms and made my way to the very back of the stage where I found Blonde Gavin and his mooks had made their way upstairs onto the platform which overlooked the entire assembly hall. I made my way up there and tricked Gavin into thinking that I had come to arrange a parlay. I offered him and his army of chimney sweeps some cups of hot chocolate. After drinking the hot chocolate, Blonde Gavin's eyes became worried as he and his cohorts bolted downstairs farting violently as they did so. I had laced those darn hot chocolates with an entire bottle of Mega Colon Blow. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll be fine. At least, I hope they will anyway. I mean after all, Richard Bagg turned out fine didn't he? Sometime passed, and Doctor Crabby I mean Crabblesnitch made his way onto stage in order to give the speech. That's when I noticed that a large bucket of ants was hanging on the edge of the platform and I went go and grab it as Crabblesnitch began his big presentation with, "ladies and gentlemen; today is such a very special day. I am delighted to see so many new faces from schools all across the country and even some of our friends from across the sea." Oh dear! The balcony ended up collapsing due it being very rusty and the buckets of ants ended up falling on top of Crabblesnitch causing him to scream and scream some more. I tried to protest my innocence, but I had nothing to work with. No not now! The evidence was as clear as Christmas pudding, and as I said earlier I simply had nothing to work with.
That same day, I was taken to the Palace Of Justice where I found myself being held in contempt by Judge Laser Beam and his gang of scary jurors including one who looked remarkably like The Joker. Laser Beam pointed accusingly at me as he yelled, "you have been charged for having a very hot middle toe, stealing Mint Imperials, causing God knows how many traffic violations, and lastly causing a act of terrorism on your headteacher." I looked over to Crabblesnitch who was sitting on the table across him wearing a nick brace and crutches. I looked over to my lawyer who was quite frankly terrible at his job. He was very cheap though so what did I expect. He didn't help me out at all during my trial and just keep making gestures with his hands. Why did I hire that guy? I guess it was the weather. Judge Laser Beam got ready to slam his gavel down as he yelled, "this court hereby sentences you to 30 years in a federal state...." He was cut off as I brought up the fact that I had not eaten lunch yet. My lawyer looked at me with contempt as he asked, "what has that got to do with anything?" "This!" I proclaimed as I was allowed to eat my lunch by Judge Laser Beam. I pulled out my lunchbox and ate in awkward silence as I brought out three large steamy slices of cheesy pepperoni pizza. Upon eyeing the pizza, Laser Beam licked his lips as sweat began to pour from his brow. His lips trembled as he proclaimed, "I'm totally radical for a cheesy pizza!" He pointed at me as he yelled, "release him!" So, I was allowed to go away free just like that. I knew I could break him. My folks ended up taking Laser Beam out for lunch at the newly opened pizza shop which was is located on top of a very smelly hill. It may be smelly, but when the Sun hits that hill just right it sings. No seriously, it sings it has a record contract with Phil Collins and shit. Don't believe me? Well ask the dishes!
I was still expelled however, but it didn't matter as my family and I ended up moving shortly after my court case to Nottingham where I became part of a travelling show. I know it's not much but it's the best that I can do. As I begin my new life in Nottingham, I begin to wonder if the ups truly do outnumber the downs. They certainly don't in Nottingham. I'll tell you that much! Now in regards to my feelings towards that Pink Panther And Pals episode, i thought it was good. It was good yeah that's really all I've got to say about it. I'm just glad that Aardvark was finally able to get his long awaited revenge on that bastard Ant. I always hated that damn Ant! He was nothing like the Dean Martin eques Ant of the original Ant and Aardvark cartoons, but whatever it's chicken town now. I simply must go! For I don't know about you, but I'm feeling totally radical for a cheesy pizza!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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