I Just Wanted Some Good Metal
19th October
My therapist told me to start writing a diary. No clue how it's going to help any of my schizophrenic episodes or my declining mental health... but at least he is more helpful than my parents: The only thing they do is blame any problem I ever have on the fact that I listen to metal. What a bunch of bullshit. Metal helps me more than they do. Anyway don't feel like writing any more for today.
21st October
Skipped a day because I was lazy anyways today nothing happened, another boring day. What I wish for right now is to listen to metal that actually feels heavy enough. I listen to black, thrash, and death, and even Slam metal. All of the heaviest stuff but none of it scratches my brain in that way anymore you know. I guess a lot of black metal artists have done plenty messed up shit but that doesn't make the metal any heavier. The fact is their music is somehow not nearly heavy enough for me.
22nd October
I looked through google for some really heavy songs but all I found was just the typical guttural screams, instrumental distortion, heavy drums and disturbing lyrics.
23rd October
Still just bored. School was boring, Jack from my class got beat up cause a guy thought his clothes were weird and edgy (they were) but there wasn't even any blood, so nothing entertaining. Would look for new metal but I have a chemistry test tomorrow so gotta learn for that.
24th October
Have a pretty good feeling about the chemistry test. I'm hoping for at least a B. Anyways the dude who got beat up yesterday didn't come to school today. Probably just because he's bad at chemistry or something. Still can't find any songs that are heavy enough for me.
26th October
Didn't write for two days because I wanted to chill on the weekend plus nothing interesting happened. The guy who got beat up still isn't back at school. I guess he probably got sick or something.
27th October
Today was really fucking boring…
28th October
Jack is still not back to school. He did get bullied a lot. I'm starting to worry that he actually killed himself. Wouldn't that also be my fault? I mean I did insult him a few times to fit in with the rest. Fuck. If I keep thinking about it I might actually get a panic attack and that would lead to me seeing things again. You know what I'm just gonna listen to some Deathgrind and hopefully that will calm me down.
29th October
Yet another day and he is still not back. I looked for some good metal and found something new: “We will always accept you unless you’re different”. I opened it up and it turns out it's a whole album. The cover is badass: it's black and white with some disturbing imagery: The main focus is on the skull in the middle. It's cracked open and bleeding a black fluid. Its mouth is wide open as if it would be screaming at the top of its lungs. Around its spine a rope is tied. When I looked at some info I saw that it's from an artist called “Mortem Calls” and it came out today. As far as I know Mortem means Death in Latin so pretty badass name. It's apparently a subgenre of Black Metal called DSBM. I looked it up and according to google it is an acronym for “Depressive Suicidal Black Metal”. Sounds badass. Anyways gonna listen to it tomorrow cuz I’m tired as hell at the moment. 30th October
At school the guy finally came back so that's a boulder off my shoulders. He is still in clothing as edgy as ever and got some new gloves so long that they went over his whole forearm. They had a skeleton arm design and he wore them the whole day long. Who would wear gloves in a building but I mean shouldn’t have expected anything less from the edgelord. The teacher made him read something and he was so quiet I could barely hear him and I sit behind him. When the teacher told him to speak up he said he couldn't. Weird. Anyways now I'm out with friends buying costumes for Halloween tomorrow so I'll write my honest opinion on the album I found when I'm back home.
So I got back home after getting a badass costume for tomorrow. Now I have listened to the album and all the songs are brootal as shit. They have some nice sad music and almost ear-piercing screams and screeches. Got some eerie and suicidal imagery so I love it. So I guess I finally found something heavy enough. The worst part is I know that I will get used to this and then the never-ending cycle of needing something heavier will continue.
5th November
Took some time off writing this because of Halloween and chilling with friends. Went to the therapist yesterday. Don’t see a point in writing down more about that since this whole thing is for him and he already knows what happened that session.
6th November
Today I decided to look up that band, “Mortem Calls” to see what else they have besides the album I listen to. The only thing I found was someone under their name posting images on an obscure Metal Forum. Most of them looked like typical DSBM covers, black and white, suicidal imagery and so on. One of them was the cover of their only album that’s out. It was posted before the album dropped so I guess this really is their official account.
7th November
The class edgelord, Jack is gone again, really got no clue what’s going on with him recently. I mean school just started again and he is already sick or something. To be honest he is probably ditching because of the bullying. I kind of feel bad for him. 8th November
Apparently these guy post often on that forum cause there are two new images (the last one was posted yesterday). Haven’t looked at them yet just got the notification so guess I’m writing down my reaction.
Fuck that’s messed up. The first image was normal but the other. It is an actual arm with wounds on it. They look like they were self inflicted. There was a rolled up black glove on it I could see white skeleton fingers on the hand. It was the same glove that Jack from our class wore but there is no way that’s actually him. I know no one can tell through text but I’m panicking. Who the fuck would do this? I’m gonna listen to some music to calm myself.
9th November
Yesterday was fucking terrible. I actually started seeing things. I thought listening to some Death Metal which is not that heavy would help. I assumed that putting on Slam, DSBM or something like that would have stressed me in that mental state. Anyways I really only saw one thing as I sat in my bed. A rope attached to my roof. Someone hanging from it: Jack, blood spilling from his freshly inflicted arm wounds, sinking into the gloves he wore. He had black and white corpse-paint on himself. I kept staring at the scene knowing that part of the blame was mine. Someone killed themselves because of me but now it’s better. I know that I just had an episode and Jack is definitely not dead and probably not cutting himself.
10th November
I remember that I wrote yesterday it was better turns out I was wrong but now it’s fine, good even. What happened yesterday made me understand why DSBM is the greatest genre to ever exist: After finishing my diary entry I sat down at my PC and wanted to look at the metal forum but then the fear kicked in. I did not want to see anything disturbing again but now I was thinking about the fact that Jack might soon be dead because of the bullies, me having been one of them. I started listening to music. This time even tried to listen to something happy like pop but I started seeing him again. This time showing off all the self inflicted wounds all over his body, his arms, legs, hands. I kept looking at the floor but that didn’t help neither did the music. Somehow I ended up pressing onto “My feet atop the chair, the rope in my hands” by Mortem Calls. Then ten seconds into the song my head moved up. He moved it. Jack was somehow no longer hanging. The blood-soaked noose was now alone behind him. He then said in almost a whisper: “Come on I’m just showing you all the cool wounds I got only thanks to you. Now pay attention to the best one”, the calm intro of the song kept playing as Jack took of his shirt, to show me a deep and large knife wound in his stomach. A lethal wound. A wound that killed a person irreversibly.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, the song properly started with a screech that perfectly matched with my scream besides the fact that the song’s one was filled with far more misery. What came out of me was just what a human could do to express their soul however the song showed how a hurt soul truly sounds like. How mine sounded at that moment. The next time the singer shrieked I did not even need to make a sound because it felt like that sound was already me. Then I calmed. What I realized that day is Happy music is used to cover up the pain but if the misery is too strong it won’t work however Depressive Suicidal Black Metal will never fail for it lets the soul get all of its negative feelings out by truly representing how a hurt individual feels on the inside. Now nothing can wound me anymore.
11th November
He came again. We had so much fun, Jack and I that is. He had a new necklace, or what one could call a hangman’s rope around his neck, probably for the DSBM aesthetic. Jack even showed me how to properly write DSBM. Explained the aesthetic, then we brainstormed lyric ideas. He showed me his instrument skills but I could never, I’m not talented nearly enough for an instrument but on the other hand I could do the vocals pretty well even without him showing me anything. Afterwards he taught me proper technique and I followed him exactly step by step. Did you know that almost all DSBM Vocalists cut themselves during singing for better performance?
12th November
Jack told me he has a surprise for me tomorrow. Looking forward to that!
13th November
I can’t stop laughing! My class is so stupid! You know what happened today? The teacher came into class looking all worried and informed us that our classmate, Jack had been found hanging in his room. Suicide! That’s when I saw how stupid our class really is because Jack was sitting right next to me as they said that he just grinned at me, his eyes and corpse-paint were barely differentiable. Just like the black make-up around his eyes, they were void black and reflected the light in the room. After seeing his grin I could not help but laugh and that made my friend laugh too. Every time his body moved up or down while he giggles a bit of blood flew out of his mouth and landed on my t-shirt. I think it fit my outfit pretty nicely! Also now my t-shirt and his blood-soaked gloves match! Apparently my laughing was “disrespectful” so I get sent home. Honestly how stupid are they? Jack didn’t hang himself. He was sitting right next to me in class! Whatever he did to make them think that is brilliant, just hilarious. I’m so happy that I’m in on whatever Jack did because if I would believe the stupid teacher I would blame myself for his “death”. My biggest fear was always to be the cause of anyone’s death. 14th November
So today Jack decided to continue showing me proper DSBM singing. The better I get the deeper the cuts become but at this point I love it so much that the screeches are somewhat happy. While we were voice-training I asked Jack about him not having any white skin paint on today. “I prefer my natural dark purple skin tone,” he said.
Jack is saying my vocals aren’t miserable enough. He says they need more pain in them. Luckily he will help me suffer properly, he says.
This is where the diary ends and only ever gets picked up again by the writer’s traumatized parents.
Credited to Krallero
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