It's scary... what you'll do for your kids
"Dad?"
I rolled my eyes. Once again Jane, my 20-year-old daughter, wanted to draw my attention away from the important things I had going on in life.
"You know how since mom died six years ago, you've never cooked me a meal, done any laundry, took me to school, held a conversation?"
"What's your point Jane? I'm not your mother OK? Christ alive."
"My point is you're a terrible father."
"Oh fine, Jane. Fine. Boo hoo. Like it's so special to be a great father."
"No, dad, I don't care about that. I was going to say, because you're a terrible father, I was wondering if I gave you $50 would you kill somebody for me?"
Jane pulled out a cool, clean 50 bucks and waived it around in front of my eyes.
"Where did you get that money from Jane? Because if that's my $50 and all I'm doing is killing someone to get my own money back-"
"It's not your money, dad. I made it selling drugs, not that you care. Do you want it or not?"
"Sure, I'll take the job. Who's the target?"
"It's mom. She's not dead. She left you and now lives next door"
"What the fuck? Keep your dirty drug money Jane. I'll kill that scoundrel for free!"
After having said so I got up from the toilet and marched next door.
"Barbara, you liar. You told me you were dead. You're not dead."
"I was dead, David. I am dead." Replied Barbara my wife.
"Bullshit, Jane's just sent me round here to finish you off for $50. That doesn't make fucking sense if you're dead."
"That greedy little drug lord wants her inheritance money early that's all that it is. I'll give you two $50, otherwise known as $100, to flatten her face."
"Goddamit Barbara, if you're dead like you claim she'd already have her inheritance money. It doesn't make sense! I've heard enough. I'm killing you right now."
I put my manly hands around Barbara's delicate living neck and stopped her sucking in oxygen until her brain just literally gave up doing what it does.
Then I returned home and to the toilet.
"There Jane, it's done. Your mother is dead for real now. I hope you're happy."
It was in that moment I remembered that Jane had died last week when I reversed over her parking the car.
Credited to koalazeus
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