Jeff Sends Letters to Santa: Difference between revisions

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{{NSFW}}
__NOTOC__
==January 1st, 2011==
==January 1st, 2011==


Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,



I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was ''impossible.'' But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over ''in a single night.'' Obviously you know what you're doing.
I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was ''impossible.'' But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over ''in a single night.'' Obviously you know what you're doing.
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For ''your'' New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:
For ''your'' New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:
==My List (entries are open till Dec. 13th)==


===My List===
*Lasers

*A Japanese bullet train
* Lasers
*A time machine
* A Japanese bullet train
*My beautiful face carved into Mount Rushmore
* A time machine
*A private continent
* My beautiful face carved into Mount Rushmore
*A private solar system
* A private continent
*A PB&J (no crust)
* A private solar system (preferably one with an Earth-like planet so I can ENSLAVE THE POPULA...I mean, act as a friendly ambassador from Earth)
*An iron maiden
* A private galaxy
*A Zeppelin
* A private UNIVERSE
*400 sticks of dynamite
* A PB&J (no crust)
*400 metric tons of Napalm
* An iron maiden
*A nuclear warhead
* A Zeppelin
*A spiked metal dildo
* 400 sticks of dynamite
*A talking gorilla
* 400 metric tons of Napalm
*A rhino
* A nuclear warhead
*A hippo
* A spiked metal dildo
*A herd of flamingos
* A talking gorilla
*An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Perrier
* A rhino
*Flamethrowers
* A hippo
*A big knife (the last one broke)
* A herd of flamingos
*A chainsaw bayonet
* All the bacon my stomach can handle
*More lasers
* An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Perrier
*The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
* Flamethrowers
*A gun that shoots guns that shoot guns that shoot guns that shoot ninjas that shoot knives that EXPLODE
* A cloned T-Rex with an anti-aircraft gun mounted on its back
*A lifetime supply of marijuana and LSD
* A minotaur to keep pesky adventurers and vigilantes out of my hideout
*Every Pink Floyd album ever (including the compilations)
* A big knife (the last one broke)
*A giant dragonfly from the Carboniferous era
* A chainsaw bayonet
*A harem of beautiful slave wenches with huge gazongas (no implants, please)
* More lasers
*A full-grown Sumatran tiger
* The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
*A guillotine
* A gun that shoots guns that shoot guns that shoot guns that shoot ninjas that shoot knives that EXPLODE
*The Necronomicon
*A room full of Turkish Delight
* A lifetime supply of marijuana and LSD
* Every Pink Floyd album ever (including the compilations)
*50 pounds EACH of gold, silver, platinum, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and freshwater pearls
* A giant dragonfly from the Carboniferous era
*A diamond-encrusted Mercedes-Benz
* A harem of beautiful slave wenches with huge gazongas (no implants, please)
*A panda-skin rug
* A full-grown Sumatran tiger
*100 of the finest mink coats
* A guillotine
*A fully-functioning death ray
* The Necronomicon
*12 tons of Kobe beef (maintaining my super strength requires a lot of protein)
* A room full of Turkish Delight
*2 dozen bottles of 150-year-old Rothschild
* 50 pounds EACH of gold, silver, platinum, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and freshwater pearls
*15 white cashmere hoodies
* A diamond-encrusted Mercedes-Benz
*A cloning machine
* A panda-skin rug
*MOAR LASERS
* 100 of the finest mink coats
*2 barrels of mead
* A fully-functioning death ray
*A harpoon. No sinister reason for that one, I just really like harpoons.
* 12 tons of Kobe beef (maintaining my super strength requires a lot of protein)
*A two-million-dollar home theatre system
* 2 dozen bottles of 150-year-old Rothschild
*A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze
* 1500 white cashmere hoodies
*A giant killer mech shaped like myself
* A cloning machine
*Every video game Nintendo has ever made, ''including the unreleased ones''
* MOAR LASERS
*An antimatter ray
* 2 barrels of mead
*A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky)
* An Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant
*A freakin' sweet waterslide
* A giant armadillo/tank hybrid
*An enchanted, indestructible suit of armor (not one that will turn on me or curse me, please)
* A harpoon. No sinister reason for that one, I just really like harpoons.
*Massive pecs, washboard abs, and buns of steel
* A two-million-dollar home theatre system
*near-godlike virility
* A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze
*A katana that shoots lightning
* A giant killer mecha shaped like myself
*A five-star restaurant that will serve only ME (oh, all right, Smiledog, and you too.)
* Every video game Nintendo has ever made, ''including the unreleased ones''
*A body double to throw off that damn detective who's always on my case. Damn him! No matter what I do to him, he JUST WON'T STAY DEAD!!! Oh. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah...
* An antimatter ray
*Functioning wings that can support my full weight and that of another person, preferably batlike
* A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky)
*A huge velvet cape and warlock collar so I can look like a ''proper'' supervillian
* A freakin' sweet waterslide
*A huge, sinister pipe organ. I really don't know how to play one, but I took piano lessons for four weeks when I was eight. That's good enough, right?
* An enchanted, indestructible suit of armor (not one that will turn on me or curse me, please)
*A vast, opulent palace and my own private island to store it all
* Massive pecs, washboard abs, and buns of steel
*Oh yeah, and Smiledog says he wants a new squeaky bone. (mumble mumble...stupid needy mutt...)
* A 12-inch dick
* Near-godlike virility
* A katana that shoots lightning
* A five-star restaurant that will serve only ME (oh, all right, Smiledog, and you too.)
* A body double to throw off that damn detective who's always on my case. Damn him! No matter what I do to him, he JUST WON'T STAY DEAD!!! Oh. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah...
* Functioning wings that can support my full weight and that of another person, preferably batlike
* A huge velvet cape and warlock collar so I can look like a ''proper'' supervillian
* A huge, sinister pipe organ. I really don't know how to play one, but I took piano lessons for four weeks when I was eight. That's good enough, right?
* Something that covers my farts, I get embarrassed from farting during a kill
* +puts pinkie to mouth+ One BILLION dollars
* A vast, opulent palace and my own private island to store it all
* Oh yeah, and Smiledog says he wants a new squeaky bone. (mumble mumble...stupid needy mutt...)


Bring all these to me '''''OR I WILL KILL YOU'''''
Bring all these to me '''''OR I WILL KILL YOU'''''


Love,<br />

Love,

Jeffrey
Jeffrey


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Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,



You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing ''anybody'', yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Yet you gave Smiledog his dumb squeaky bone! What's he got that I ain't got?! Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and ''I will kill you.''
You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing ''anybody'', yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Yet you gave Smiledog his dumb squeaky bone! What's he got that I ain't got?! Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and ''I will kill you.''



Jeff
Jeff


==March 18th, 2012==
==March 18th, 2012==

Dear Santa,



WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN
WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN
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FUCK EVERYTHING
FUCK EVERYTHING


Jeff


==Aftermath==
==Aftermath==


Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear.
[[File:Polar_Bear.jpg|thumb]]
[[Category:Trollpasta]]

[[Category:Jeff the Killer]]
Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear. This makes Smiledog very sad.
[[Category:Jeffery]]
[[Category:Holidays]]
[[Category:SUPER ULTRA MEGA BUTTHURT]]
[[Category:BAWWW]]
[[Category:SOMEONE STOLE MY SWEETROLL]]
[[Category:Animulz]]
[[Category:SANTA]]
[[Category:Lolskeletons]]
[[Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS]]
[[Category:Delusional retard that should be in an asylum]]
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]
[[Category:Pettiness]]
[[Category:Shok ending]]
[[Category:Jornel]]
[[Category:Jornel]]
[[Category:Collab]]
[[Category:Collab]]
[[Category:Smiledog]]
[[Category:WHAT A TWIST!]]
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]]
[[Category:Old Shit]]
{{Comments}}

Latest revision as of 22:29, 18 April 2024

  NSFW WARNING

This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations.
...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

January 1st, 2011

Dear Santa,

I realize you are a busy man. It must be hard keeping track of all the kids who write to you each and every year. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that such a task was impossible. But, as you have proven time and time again, you are perfectly capable of delivering presents to kids the world over in a single night. Obviously you know what you're doing.

So, tell me this, Santa: why is it that I haven't gotten any presents FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS? Is it because I killed my parents that one time? I don't see how that's such a big deal. Maybe it's the ten-thousand other people I've killed since then. Does that qualify me as "naughty"? If so, you could at least leave a lump of coal in my stocking so I could BASH YOUR SKULL IN WITH IT AND RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS AND LAUGH AS YOU DIEDIEDIEDIEbut I digress...

As you know, it is a new year, which means it's time for people to make their New Year's Resolutions! For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to give up killing. No longer shall I make people "go to sleep" (so to speak). Rather, I shall wait for them to go to sleep by themselves before I STAB THEM AND DISMEMBER THEM AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND STAB THEM AGAIN AND WAIT, what was I talking about? Oh yes, no more Jeff the Killer. I swear to never kill again.

On one condition.

For your New Year's Resolution, Mr. Santa Claus, you shall promise to bring me exactly what I want for Christmas, every Christmas. You shall deliver the following gifts to me by December 25th, 2011, at exactly 12:00 AM:

My List

  • Lasers
  • A Japanese bullet train
  • A time machine
  • My beautiful face carved into Mount Rushmore
  • A private continent
  • A private solar system (preferably one with an Earth-like planet so I can ENSLAVE THE POPULA...I mean, act as a friendly ambassador from Earth)
  • A private galaxy
  • A private UNIVERSE
  • A PB&J (no crust)
  • An iron maiden
  • A Zeppelin
  • 400 sticks of dynamite
  • 400 metric tons of Napalm
  • A nuclear warhead
  • A spiked metal dildo
  • A talking gorilla
  • A rhino
  • A hippo
  • A herd of flamingos
  • All the bacon my stomach can handle
  • An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Perrier
  • Flamethrowers
  • A cloned T-Rex with an anti-aircraft gun mounted on its back
  • A minotaur to keep pesky adventurers and vigilantes out of my hideout
  • A big knife (the last one broke)
  • A chainsaw bayonet
  • More lasers
  • The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
  • A gun that shoots guns that shoot guns that shoot guns that shoot ninjas that shoot knives that EXPLODE
  • A lifetime supply of marijuana and LSD
  • Every Pink Floyd album ever (including the compilations)
  • A giant dragonfly from the Carboniferous era
  • A harem of beautiful slave wenches with huge gazongas (no implants, please)
  • A full-grown Sumatran tiger
  • A guillotine
  • The Necronomicon
  • A room full of Turkish Delight
  • 50 pounds EACH of gold, silver, platinum, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, and freshwater pearls
  • A diamond-encrusted Mercedes-Benz
  • A panda-skin rug
  • 100 of the finest mink coats
  • A fully-functioning death ray
  • 12 tons of Kobe beef (maintaining my super strength requires a lot of protein)
  • 2 dozen bottles of 150-year-old Rothschild
  • 1500 white cashmere hoodies
  • A cloning machine
  • MOAR LASERS
  • 2 barrels of mead
  • An Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant
  • A giant armadillo/tank hybrid
  • A harpoon. No sinister reason for that one, I just really like harpoons.
  • A two-million-dollar home theatre system
  • A 200-foot-tall statue of me cast in solid bronze
  • A giant killer mecha shaped like myself
  • Every video game Nintendo has ever made, including the unreleased ones
  • An antimatter ray
  • A sacrifical offering of 20 virgins to satiate my bloodlust (either male or female ones are fine, I'm not picky)
  • A freakin' sweet waterslide
  • An enchanted, indestructible suit of armor (not one that will turn on me or curse me, please)
  • Massive pecs, washboard abs, and buns of steel
  • A 12-inch dick
  • Near-godlike virility
  • A katana that shoots lightning
  • A five-star restaurant that will serve only ME (oh, all right, Smiledog, and you too.)
  • A body double to throw off that damn detective who's always on my case. Damn him! No matter what I do to him, he JUST WON'T STAY DEAD!!! Oh. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah...
  • Functioning wings that can support my full weight and that of another person, preferably batlike
  • A huge velvet cape and warlock collar so I can look like a proper supervillian
  • A huge, sinister pipe organ. I really don't know how to play one, but I took piano lessons for four weeks when I was eight. That's good enough, right?
  • Something that covers my farts, I get embarrassed from farting during a kill
  • +puts pinkie to mouth+ One BILLION dollars
  • A vast, opulent palace and my own private island to store it all
  • Oh yeah, and Smiledog says he wants a new squeaky bone. (mumble mumble...stupid needy mutt...)

Bring all these to me OR I WILL KILL YOU

Love,
Jeffrey

December 26th, 2011

Dear Santa,

You did not bring me the presents I requested. That was a mistake. I went a whole year without killing anybody, yet you still did not come. You didn't even come anywhere near my house. Yet you gave Smiledog his dumb squeaky bone! What's he got that I ain't got?! Let this be your final warning, Mr. Claus: If you give me the presents now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Jeff

March 18th, 2012

WHERE'S MY PRESENTS FATMAN

I TOLD YOU WHAT I'D DO IF YOU DIDN'T BRING MY PRESENTS

I'LL END YOU

I'LL KILL YOU SO HARD, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE

I'LL GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND BURN DOWN YOUR WHOLE WORKSHOP AND KILL ALL YOUR ELVES TOO

I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR ELVES

AND I'LL STEAL YOUR REINDEER

FUCK YOU SANTA

FUCK EVERYTHING

Aftermath

Jeff gets eaten by a polar bear.

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