Massive Shit
Yesterday was my 20th birthday. My family and I went out to my favorite restaurant of all time Del Taco.
I ordered to my delight of knowing I could get how much I wanted even if I wasn't going to finish all of it. I'm kind of a spoiled shit. (Pun not intended).
An hour and a half later I finished all 22 tacos, the plate of nachos, and all six of my large refills of Sprite. <insert food-induced-coma>. We get home from the festivities, and I quickly fall asleep for ten hours and sleep the rest of my birthday away. The only thing that woke me up was the MASSIVE need to vacate my feces. So off to the toilet I ran, like a damn bat outta hell, right
I screech to a stop do a 180 drop my pants, and my dick came up and slapped me in the face. It's an inconvenience you learn to live with.
But this wasn't any normal shit. It hurt like nothing I'd experienced before. I felt like I was going to throw up, and blow my brains out of my ass.
I started sweating like crazy, the room started spinning, and then... it came. I then birthed the BIGGEST fucking log I'd ever seen in my life. The pain that was there before was a knee scrape in comparison to how bad this was. It felt like Pharrell had shown up right out of Blurred Lines and gave me something that would split my ass in two. I nearly blacked out a dozen times, until I finally fell asleep.
Now what made this the unusual shit was this... I woke up again, drenched in my own sweat, and felt the toilet... vibrating. It kept vibrating in small bursts almost like... someone was yelling.
I jumped off the toilet at lightning speed, and then I saw it...
IT WAS THE GODDAMN LOCHNESS MONSTER! IT CAME OUT OF THE TOILET AND STARTED DEMANDING TREE FIDDY.
I said, "Goddamn it, it's the lochness monster! I ain't givin' you no tree fiddy".
It said, "Please, please, I really need it!"
I said, "No, goddamn it, I ain't givin' you no mother fuckin' tree fiddy".
Goddamn lochness monster. It knew I just got four fiddy in birthday money, but it snuck in to my toilet to ask for it knowing I would eat at Del Taco!
Credited to thefalconnamedgreg
Originally uploaded on October 11, 2014
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