My House Keeps Talking Shit About Me And I Do Not Like It

I recently moved into a new house, it looked pretty cool from what I saw online. I set up everything and immediately went to sleep on this fancy bed. As I was getting all snug, I heard some kind of voice.

"Hey fatso! Get yer ass offa me! I might collapse from the weight!"

I woke up a little and wondered who said that. I'm not even fat! I'm just big-boned! My doctor is wrong about me, OK?

"Hey! You! Maybe you should go sleep on the floor next time, ya overgrown walrus!"

It was then when I realized it was the bed. The bed was making fun of me! Well, I'll show him! I went to the bed and started farting on the pillows!

"Geez louise! And we thought ya smelled bad enough!" one of the pillows laughed. I was not amused anymore.

I ran out of my bedroom in a huff. Maybe it was time to watch some TV, maybe that could get my mind off things. I went to the living room and sat on the couch...

"Wow! I thought the bed was kiddin' with how much you felt like a burlap sack of dumbbells! Har har har!" the couch said. I just ignored him and fumbled for the remote. I tried to go and find some good ol' football. But my fingers kept slipping, shoving me through different options.

"Yowch! Watch where yer tappin', dumbass! Do ya even know how those things work?" The remote forcefully changed the channel to some stupid edutainment show for babies. "Maybe this is more of yer speed, eh numbskull?" I decided to power the TV off and go to the bathroom. I really needed to take a shit.

As I went to take a shit, the toilet just unbolted itself from the ground and ran away. "I'm fuckin' done with this!" it said as it left through the back door.

Overall, this house sucks, everything in it hates me, but on the other hand, this is the only conversation I've had since I have no friends. You take what you can get.

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Credited to JustSomeWeirdBloke 

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