My Life With a Satanic Antivirus: Difference between revisions
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the computer still ran really fucking slow. I decided I needed an antivirus. I |
the computer still ran really fucking slow. I decided I needed an antivirus. I |
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went onto the web and searched for legit anti-viruses. The problem was that the |
went onto the web and searched for legit anti-viruses. The problem was that the |
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ones that weren't shit had trial versions for free. I |
ones that weren't shit had trial versions for free. I can't afford that. I was |
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starting to give up after a few hours of searching. I was thinking about |
starting to give up after a few hours of searching. I was thinking about |
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trashing this thing and try to get my money back. |
trashing this thing and try to get my money back. |
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After the thing finally shut up, I |
After the thing finally shut up, I |
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went onto internet explorer, but it was different. The homepage |
went onto internet explorer, but it was different. The homepage wasn't Ask.com |
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anymore, it was a new engine called Super Satan Demonic Search. I was spooked. I |
anymore, it was a new engine called Super Satan Demonic Search. I was spooked. I |
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ignored it and went to the steam website, which had a red tint for some reason. |
ignored it and went to the steam website, which had a red tint for some reason. |
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this fucking antivirus was doing its job. I went to the control panel to uninstall |
this fucking antivirus was doing its job. I went to the control panel to uninstall |
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it, but when I tried to, the Robot Hell song from Futurama started playing on |
it, but when I tried to, the Robot Hell song from Futurama started playing on |
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loop. |
loop. That's it. My computer needed a fucking exorcism. I called the local |
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church, and the Priest picked up. |
church, and the Priest picked up. |
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Satan himself" I yelled |
Satan himself" I yelled |
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"What are you talking about? Computers |
"What are you talking about? Computers don't |
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exist" he said. |
exist" he said. |
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I took the pizza and then flushed the dead guy down my toilet. I got back to |
I took the pizza and then flushed the dead guy down my toilet. I got back to |
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the laptop, which was still on fire and now playing MIDI's backwards. Oh and |
the laptop, which was still on fire and now playing MIDI's backwards. Oh and |
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the depressed cows were still screaming at me. |
the depressed cows were still screaming at me. Don't they have better things to |
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do? I decided to unplug the laptop's charger and wait for it to run out of |
do? I decided to unplug the laptop's charger and wait for it to run out of |
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battery so I could use it again. After about 4 minutes, the laptop ran out of |
battery so I could use it again. After about 4 minutes, the laptop ran out of |
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decided that enough was enough! I was going to get rid of this evil thing once |
decided that enough was enough! I was going to get rid of this evil thing once |
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and for all! I decided to go onto the spooky search and look up 'how to get rid |
and for all! I decided to go onto the spooky search and look up 'how to get rid |
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of evil computer Satan. |
of evil computer Satan.' All that came up were death threats, porn, Pewdiepie |
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memes, and Kermit x Fozzie fanfictions. Then the antivirus window came up and said |
memes, and Kermit x Fozzie fanfictions. Then the antivirus window came up and said |
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that I must give myself to Satan to free the computer. I said no. It asked why |
that I must give myself to Satan to free the computer. I said no. It asked why |
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"Hmmm. I think I have a solution. Just upgrade to |
"Hmmm. I think I have a solution. Just upgrade to |
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windows 10. It |
windows 10. It won't be able to be compatible with it." said Bill. |
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"Fuck you, Bill" I said as I hung up. |
"Fuck you, Bill" I said as I hung up. |