My Son Is Not Human
my wife and I went out to eat a couple weeks ago. My five year old son was sitting across the table from me, picking at his meal.
I looked at the little brat. I really looked at him.
He looked just like my wife.
If I know science, I know no one looks that similar to their mother...
Here's a little backstory. I missed my son's birth because I was playing pool with a couple of the guys from work and Rick was being a fucking dick, and bet 600 that I couldn't make a shot. I couldn't call a taxi when I got the call because I was betting all the cash I had on me and there was no one to prove that I even got the call. I didn't really want to see the birth because that's kind of gross. Anyway, I lost the pool game and I was a little drunk so I slept at Ted's house for a couple days before I remembered that my wife had the baby so I called her and told her I'd be there soon.
When I got to the hospital, the baby didn't look like my wife. This I know. He looked very much like a strange, pink creature, hooked up to wires in a little plastic crate. They were to "help him breathe because he's having some little issues". I believed it alright. I was a sheep.
So fast forward to a couple years later (he's about five or six now), we're at this restaurant and he's fussing over his food. He says the mac and cheese is too cold and he wants more Hi-C. I don't think any human really likes Hi-C. Anyway, I decided to drill him on his math questions. He didn't miss a beat. I even asked him the ones I struggled with when I was young. 1+5, 5+7. He got all of them. Soon he started to roll his eyes and ask for his Hi-C. Maybe his batteries were running low and it was the juice he needed to refill them. I started talking loudly (not yelling) and my wife said stop yelling at him. I slammed my fist on the table and everyone started stating.
"What are you looking at?" I demanded calmly. I sat back down. Five minutes later, the manager came up to us and said I was making a few customers uncomfortable, and if I could please stop yelling.
The conspiracy became so clear to me, so I stormed that trashy establishment. I came back home but I've been ignoring my son until Christmas eve, where things got stranger.
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Credited to ConcernedPappy
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