My Son Is Not Human 3
Well I didn't find no drawing in the trash but I did see it on the fridge and I threw a real fit (calmly) when I opened it and I didn't find my Froot Loops in there getting all chilly and such. I like them chilly and my wife always got an attitude when I tried to chill them a little. She said there is no space in the fridge, which is just plain tomfoolery because she has about seven purses taking up a whole drawer in our dresser, so I say that I get to chill my Froot Loops. My son even gets an attitude and says he doesn't like cold Froot Loops. They conspire against me and they take them out and put them back in in the morning before I wake up, and I can tell because once a telemarketer from India, one of the real sexy ones (Her name was Judy Smith) called me up late at night and I saw the Froot Loops on the fridge but I was distracted by Judy and she needed some money to be able to fix our computer so I gave her my bank information, and I know that it's not a scam because scammers usually got them Indian names but this woman's name was Judy. So I put them back in the fridge that night and there was some real attitude in the morning at the table when they saw I got my way.
Well, the drawing was in the trash because my sneaky wife cheated me like that. I threw it there after ripping it off the fridge. On the drawing, it was me and my kid and wife in a family van, smiling. (I was gonna send y'all the picture to see but I don't have y'alls AOL.) This is weird because I don't have a family van, no way. And we are never happy in the car because they use a lot of attitude because my wife says my son needs a car seat. So this version—or the robot that is my son, doesn't have the hardware to remember how the car works and junk. And also my head and arms were all misshapen and junk, and my body in real life is all functional and junk.
I was gonna bring out the drawing and ask for an explanation, but my wife started hollering, telling me it was time for presents.
There wasn't as much attitude going on so I sat down and ripped the wrapping paper up, and I kept it because sometimes we run out of printer paper and such and I don't believe in waste.
Suddenly my son got an attitude and he tried to open one of my gifts. My wife started to tell him no but I said let him, since he wants to be a little brat. She tried to tell me to take it from him, but it was too late and my son was dumping out the box onto his lap. Lady underwear and socks! My son said "Ewwww".
I pointed at my wife, betrayed. "You want me to wear lady underwear?"
She tried to fake an explanation, but I'm a quite intelligent fella and I saw right through her lies. So I got up and pointed at my son all accusatory like and I said "I know what you are" and he started to cry real loud and fake. My wife picked him up even though he's too big. "He's a grown man, woman, let him solve his own problems!"
Well she said he ain't a grown man, you fool, you drunk. He's a boy. I told her I didn't see no difference anyhow. She said get out of my house. So I did, and I took the lady underwear and the drawing with me.
Most importantly, I took the Froot Loops. I also took my phone. I knew just who to call. Someone I've trusted since the start. Judy Smith. Once I found a nice cheap motel, the type with the kitchens that smell like my daddy's truck engine that remind me of the good ol' days. My card got declined three times and the service lady got an attitude, she was one of them college age fellas and she was pretty with a little I called Judy back at her number and waited for my love to answer.
"You have reached the IRS, how may I assist you?" It was Judy Smith's beautiful exotic accent on the other side.
"Judy, darling. I need your help. Something bad is happening." I remembered something I heard in a movie so I said it. "Something real bad,"
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Credited to ConcernedPappy
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