Scary Man
I have to make this quick because my phone is in Low Power Mode, and I've even closed all my apps to conserve as much battery as possible. But if I don't warn the world of what's to come, I worry you'll all find out on your own.
I'm talking about Scary Man. Born in New Jersey, yet conceived in South Carolina, Scary Man first opened his eyes on February 29th, but NOT on a Leap Year. They say his mother lost his Social Security card on a trip to Busch Gardens when he graduated elementary school, so the government no longer can keep track of his whereabouts, despite their best efforts.
Perhaps what makes him so scary is that he appears to be so... normal.... He, just like you, stole his parents' money as a child to buy a Foil Charizard from a convenient store down the street, only to trade it for two unique packs of Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape. Swallowing them whole, scientists agree the gum is still festering in his stomach. Scary Man makes fitting in a crowd almost seem effortless. But here are some features to look out for. He is most easily identifiable in winter, when he wears sunglasses the most. If you should ask him why he wears these glasses when it's so cold out, he will most likely cite snow blindness, as the snow frequently reflects the sunlight into his empty eyes. Scary Man is void of any social circles, making it a complete rarity for him to text and drive, ironically making him a very safe driver. But do not let this fool you, on the off chance he happens to choose to run you head on in his car, you may find it difficult to ever identify his car. This is because he always forgets to install his front license plate, but claims to always remember at inconvenient times, like when he's out grocery shopping.
My phone has just warned me that I'm at 10%, and it has a history of diving down to 1% immediately after, so I must go now. I hope you have taken my words to heart, and be safe out there friends.
Credited to tnt-bizzle
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