Madea goes to Hell: Difference between revisions
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The madea films are known by many to be some of the greatest landmark pieces of cinema in movie history. The list goes on. Wizard of Oz. Citizen Kane. A Madea Christmas. The woman, or man, whoever it is, is a genius. These are the highlights of the human experience, outlined by the quality writing, excellent cinematography, and the fact that Madea is a no-nonsense grandma with a heart of gold.
But- something strange happened when I went to see a madea movie this weekend. I thought it was called
I went to the theater. Got in line, bought my ticket. The owner of the theater was really sinister and started to scare me.
The floor was really hot and I noticed the temperature getting hotter as I entered. Well, I figured I could cool myself off with a cold and refreshing, bubbly drink from the concession stand. But I noticed…something strange. All of the food items cost $6.66, except for the twin burritos, which each cost nine dollars and eleven cents.
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I ordered the twin burritos, which were so scalding hot that I got third degree burns all over my hands as the cheese sauce entered my body. And the coca cola tasted like hot and fiery sulfur! Never mind that, it was time to watch Madea. Also, the thing at the concession stand looked like an angry druid. I’m not sure what that means.
I walked into any theater because they were all playing madea. There was an old man blocking the door, though.
I sat down in the front row. You may say that’s too close for comfort, but you can never be too close to quality, in this case, a Madea film. However, another person came into the theater and sat right next to me. I got up and moved to another part of the theater. Wait a minute- was that Madea? In the theater?” Madea sat next to me, leering.
The film started. There was a trailer for some weird movie about skeletons. Skeletons: The Motion Picture. Strange. Very odd. And then the movie started. You see madea walking down the road when she trips in front of a car and dies.
Then she goes to hell. You see her fall through the 200 circles of hell only to end up at the last circle:
When I got home, someone had entered through the window. I noticed broken glass.
I stared into my living room, astonished and horrified. There, dressed in traditional madea garb, rocking back and forth on MY family rocking chair, was madea, knitting a sweater.
I recalled the baseball that the other madea had given me in the theater. My grip tightened on it.
Madea grew more evil now, and I could see two red triangles like evil devil ears appearing around her wig. Then, a man appeared at my window and yelled something. It was that old man from earlier!
I shot the wig in the face. Highly realistic hair-gore poured from the hollow realistic holes from the overly sensitive hairpiece. Madea grew more sinister now. Her eyes became red as firey hot coals and she got really upset with me.
Her eyes exploded and two very sinister serpents popped out of the holes. Her bug eyes rolled around deflated on the floor as the very floor beneath her began to burn away from her hooved feet! She leered angrily and flustered, demanded to be shown some respect and fell on the floor.
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I drove to the hospital to make sure that dear Madea was ok. In the waiting room, I noticed a copy of Time Magazine that said that Madea Goes to the Doctors was coming out soon. Strange. Anyway, when it was time, I entered the E.R. to join the bedside of dear unconscious madea.
Suddenly I remembered the baseball from earlier.
Madea hit a grand slam! The baseball bat flew out the window at a fast and blinding speed! My god! Madea was a world series champion! The baseball later landed on the head of another evil madea who was shopping for gardening supplies just down the road.
Madea was later inducted into the baseball hall of fame for greatest bat ever conceived by human hands. She still lives with me, and we share an apartment together. I know- I know
As for the real Madea, some say it’s just Tyler Perry in a wig, dancing and singing all the way to the money bank. That may be true, but if it is, that doesn’t explain who these other madeas are. The murderous one. The friendly one. That guy in the theater, also madea, maybe. Rumors area it was a clone experiment by Tyler Perry, who so and so, and such, and such, and such. But in the end, the only thing that matters is that we’re happy- and we have the biggest stack of buttercream baseball pancakes in the batting cage
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