Madea goes to Hell: Difference between revisions
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The madea films are known by many to be some of the greatest landmark pieces of cinema in movie history. The list goes on. Wizard of Oz. Citizen Kane. A Madea Christmas. The woman, or man, whoever it is, is a genius. These are the highlights of the human experience, outlined by the quality writing, excellent cinematography, and the fact that Madea is a no-nonsense grandma with a heart of gold.
But- something strange happened when I went to see a madea movie this weekend. I thought it was called "A Madea Halloween." As in, the madea, celebrating Halloween. Boy, was I wrong. I
I went to the theater. Got in line, bought my ticket. The owner of the theater was really sinister and started to scare me. "Dear boy!" He smiled, evilly. "What Madea film are you in the mood for today?!" He smiled a sinister smile. I looked at the marquee. "Madea goes to hell- 9:30" "Madea Goes to hell- 11:30" "Madea Goes to Hell- 2 p.m." My god! Every film on here was Madea goes to hell! "Kind of a crowded house tonight, eh?" I said to the theater operater. "Yes, some say this showing will be… a scream!" I
The floor was really hot and I noticed the temperature getting hotter as I entered. Well, I figured I could cool myself off with a cold and refreshing, bubbly drink from the concession stand. But I noticed…something strange. All of the food items cost $6.66, except for the twin burritos, which each cost nine dollars and eleven cents.
I ordered the twin burritos, which were so scalding hot that I got third degree burns all over my hands as the cheese sauce entered my body. And the coca cola tasted like hot and fiery sulfur! Never mind that, it was time to watch Madea. Also, the thing at the concession stand looked like an angry druid.
I walked into any theater because they were all playing madea. There was an old man blocking the door, though. "
I sat down in the front row. You may say
The film started. There was a trailer for some weird movie about skeletons. Skeletons: The Motion Picture. Strange. Very odd. And then the movie started. You see madea walking down the road when she trips in front of a car and dies.
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Then she goes to hell. You see her fall through the 200 circles of hell only to end up at the last circle: "MADEA!" A voice boomed. Satan. "YOU MUST REPENT FOR YOUR LYING WAYS!" Madea walks up and slaps the devil on the face with her handbag, knocking him over. Madea winks, turns into a cartoon and the credits play.
"BOO!" I yelled. "BOO!" I paid 11 of my own hard earned dollars on that?! That
When I got home, someone had entered through the window. I noticed broken glass.
I stared into my living room, astonished and horrified. There, dressed in traditional madea garb, rocking back and forth on MY family rocking chair, was madea, knitting a sweater. "I see you have come to face the burden of
I recalled the baseball that the other madea had given me in the theater. My grip tightened on it. "What is the meaning of this?!" I shook my ticket stub angrily, flustered, irritated and more than just a little peeved. "My dear boy." Madea smiled. "whatever do you mean? Madea goes many places. She may even end up in her next feature film: "Madea breaks into your home and murders you!" I had the feeling madea was going to murder me. Call it gut instinct, like when a dog instinctually knows to piss on your shoes. It was something like that- just- something I
"
Madea grew more evil now, and I could see two red triangles like evil devil ears appearing around her wig. Then, a man appeared at my window and yelled something. It was that old man from earlier! "
I shot the wig in the face. Highly realistic hair-gore poured from the hollow realistic holes from the overly sensitive hairpiece. Madea grew more sinister now. Her eyes became red as firey hot coals and she got really upset with me. "I am irked! Lord have mercy!" She screamed.
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Her eyes exploded and two very sinister serpents popped out of the holes. Her bug eyes rolled around deflated on the floor as the very floor beneath her began to burn away from her hooved feet! She leered angrily and flustered, demanded to be shown some respect and fell on the floor.
I called 9-1-1. While Madea was probably the right hand of lord Lucifer and a second child of the anachronistic dynasty in the seventh circle of hell, she still
I drove to the hospital to make sure that dear Madea was ok. In the waiting room, I noticed a copy of Time Magazine that said that Madea Goes to the Doctors was coming out soon. Strange. Anyway, when it was time, I entered the E.R. to join the bedside of dear unconscious madea.
"Doctor!" I screamed. "Please save grandmamma Madea!
Suddenly I remembered the baseball from earlier. "No!" I screamed. "No!" As madea swung the bat at my jaw I produced the magical baseball, throwing it underhanded into the baseball bat.
Madea hit a grand slam! The baseball bat flew out the window at a fast and blinding speed! My god! Madea was a world series champion! The baseball later landed on the head of another evil madea who was shopping for gardening supplies just down the road. "Lordy lordy! I hit a grand slam in more ways than one!" And then, Madea took me to
Madea was later inducted into the baseball hall of fame for greatest bat ever conceived by human hands. She still lives with me, and we share an apartment together. I know- I know "Oh she tried to kill me!" Well republicans are trying to kill you, and you still vote for them.
As for the real Madea, some say
The end.
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