Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii goes On a Computer
At the end of the school's semester, I burnt all my textbooks. I can't read so it was the simplest thing I could do.
(Note that since I live in my mother's basement I had her write this story).
I started off with Science -- the study of rainbows and butterflies -- along with Socials, how tequila came to be; English (praised be my mom); and I somehow spared my Math book -- it was 700 much trouble.
I carefully put it in a dusty old drawer in the attic, setting the top on a pillow and then a blanket to keep it warm. One day my dad said 1+1=2, but I took out my textbook to prove him wrong. As I flipped the pages open, I saw my teacher's note on Page 68 reading: "My husband's away for the weekend. Please come rape me."
I said it out loud.
And then, I saw a shiny object fall down from Page 666. At first I thought it was da Wheel of Fortune!! Because I'm stupid, however, I stepped on it. Then I realized I only broke the casing.
Moreover, a yellow butterfly flew out of the drawer. It was the most beautiful tiny organism I had ever seen; I didn't like it. Suddenly it hit a wall. Only it wasn't a wall, but a spider web...the spider came down on it and ate it. So I went to my room to masturbate.
I forgot about the CD until the next day.
I got into the attic while listening to Daft Punk's Get Lucky on my iPod; sadly I misheard the background vocals, We're up all night to get lucky for We rob a Mexican monkey.
When I finally laid my hands on the compact disk, however, I soon noticed that all was written on it read: Chatroom 98 in permanent marking...(again my idiot instincts took over and since "chat" means "cat" in French, I thought it was about the 98th clowder -- long story -- or the clowder had 98 cats. But what I saw was much darker, scarier.)
Once I put the disk in my laptop, a mid-sized white chatroom spawned. It reminded me of MSN Messenger, only the two boxes where you'd normally see your -- and your friend's pics were non-existant. Anyways, who the Magnum Double Caramel Fudge even uses MSN Messenger anymore?
No one typed yet so I randomly entered, "(*&%^&#!^&%#*)))" (it was at that moment that I called my dog; dogs are smarter than humans, which explains why I can't read).
To my surprise, Muñanas #3 started a conversation with me. I suspected it was one of these highly-developed Internet AIs considering how old the CD was.
Muñanas #3: Hey
Me: Who are you and how old are you?
Muñanas #3: I have herpes.
Me: I like you?
Then, something took a turn for the worst: all my sentences ended in "?"
Muñanas #3: How old are you? 69, 68, 70 and do you have any family?
Me: I was born in 1666, I have three brothers; one is a bitchgoblet, the other is a midget; while the last went full retard?
Muñanas #3: Have they ever raped anyone?
Me: LOL yep? Richard has HIV, the other two went to Helsinki?
Me: Do YOU have any siblings?
But Muñanas #3 changed the subject entirely.
Muñanas #3: You are single child, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.
Me: What? How did you know? Did you use my toothbrush? Is my teddy bear actually a pedo?
Muñanas #3: Look behind you.
I did as I was told, expecting all but a mere joke, but it wasn't quite the truth. After a full swivel with my chair from my part, I saw something horrific.
Right on my screen was a man's face -- not just a face -- it was pale and fluffy. Red eyes and a over-hyped smile.
IT WAS JOHN MADDEN!!! HE WAS HOLDING A FOOTBALL IN HIS LEFT HAND!!!
Then, it happened. I heard him saying, "Hey Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii, wanna play NFL 2015?" As a hockey fan I couldn't help it but smash my computer and kill myself.
As my soul transferred from the real world to a happy place I saw people's faces flying all around me.
Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Bill Nyde the Science Guy...Conrad Black; Justin Bieber. And for the worst 5 minutes of my life I saw...
A FUCKING MEXICAN DONALD TRUMP!!! The worst part, he was...smiling. :'(
In my face bro, in my face.
Finally, when my nightmare was over, I woke up to the sound of something roll under my bed. It was the Stanley Cup with a note reading,
"To: Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii"
"From: John Madden 2015."
So I guess, I can't take it anymore. I'm going to jump from this building's third story and -- oh boy. Clowder 98's a-comin'. They're all chanting "Meow, meow".
I see something in the window's reflection.
I don't have time to finish the story as I realize that my mom was a cat all along.
