The Bone Gnomes II
Jerry is doing his standup routine in front of a crowd
Jerry: "I think most people here would say they are honest people. At the dentist office, we always lie though. I can count how many people on my hand in this room who actually floss every day. Every 6 months you tell your dentist you floss, but you never do. If you're like me, I'll do it the time before my appointment, but he always knows. He always knows the truth. You can't fool a dentist. They deal with more liars than anybody."
*Bassline*
Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment looking exhausted. Jerry is flossing (No not the Fortnite kind, the teeth kind)
Elaine: "Hey Jerry..."
Jerry: "Hew Elaine" He say with floss stuck in his teeth
Elaine: "Why are you flossing, it's three in the afternoon."
Jerry yanks the floss out of his teeth, because it was stuck. He had not flossed in 6 months.
Jerry: “I’m seeing Dr. Whatley in an hour, and I don't want him to give me crap about not flossing. What “brings you here?
Elaine: "You know how last week I was running all over town to find those bone gnomes?"
Jerry: "Oh yeah what about it?"
Elaine: "Well Mr. Peterman has gotten me run all over town just to sell them. We even have a gnome for the front cover of the catalogue. It looks like we're selling something for spirit Halloween."
Elaine holds up the catalogue to show Jerry
Jerry: "Why does it have a blue eye?"
Elaine: "I don't know, maybe it's the way its dressed."
Jerry: “So… have you had any luck?”
Elaine: “They sold like hotcakes, but Mr. Peterman thinks we could have gotten a lot more for them. So now Mr. Peterman wants me to get some of them back so we can sell them for more.”
Jerry: “Like stealing”
Elaine: "Borrow…ing? Flip...ping? May...be?”
Jerry looks at his watch
Jerry: “Well good luck with that. I’m going to be late. I'll see you later."
Kramer bursts through the door right as Jerry is about to leave. He gets a good look at the catalogue that Elaine is holding
Kramer: "Yikes!" He runs out of the apartment like a Scooby Doo Character
Elaine: “If you see any out in the wild, can you buy any if they are under $30. Mr. Peterman will give you $50 for everyone you find.”
Jerry: “I’ll be sure to keep an eye out.”
Jerry leaves the apartment
*Bassline*
Dr. Whatley is giving Jerry a dental cleaning in his office.
Dr. Whatley: “I see you did a last minute flossing.”
Jerry: “Nya nya nya nya”
Dr. Whatley: “Whoops sorry kitty cat”
He pulls his instruments out of Jerry’s mouth.
Jerry: “Come on… there isn’t any gunk between my teeth”
Dr. Whatley: “You have gingivitis. I’ve seen hundreds… maybe thousands of last minute flossings”
Jerry: “A last minute flossing?”
Dr. Whatley: “A last minute flossing!”
Jerry: “Alright… alright… I’ll floss next time.”
Dr. Whatley: “Lies, lies, lies… every 6 months you give me the same spiel and you always disappoint me. Anyway… I’ll need to see you next week to get this gingivitis thing under control.”
Jerry sits up in his chair and is immediately met with a whole shelf of bone gnomes.
Jerry: “Gyahh… why do you have all of these bone gnomes.”
Dr. Whatley: Because they remind me of calcium and calcium is good for your teeth. I’ll go get you a card and we’ll get this appointment set up.
Dr. Whatley leaves Jerry alone in the room with the dozens of gnomes.
*Bassline
George is sitting in Jackie Chile’s office
Jackie: “You want to sue the post office”
George: “Yes… they filled my apartment with bone gnomes”
Jackie: “Bone gnomes? You mean these little elves from the Peterman catalog.”
Jackie pulls a bone gnome out from under his desk. George: “Yes those. You see, I used to be the owner of every single one of them in New York City.”
Jackie: “And you gave them to the Peterman catalog for free? Do you know how much I could sell one of these on eBay for? Hundreds. maybe thousands a pop.”
George is internally struggling. He realizes now that he could have easily been a millionaire if he sold his 25,000 bone gnomes instead of giving them away to Mr. Peterman.
George: “Well… could you see this as an opportunity for me to… you know… recoup my losses?”
Jackie: “Recoup your losses? Why heck… the government has money… and if we can win a million dollar case… ooh maybe I can get a new wing in the law school named after me at Stanford with a case like this. Let me see what I can do.”
*Bassline*
Jerry meets up with Elaine at Tom’s Restaurant.
Jerry: “Hey Elaine. Look what I’ve got” Jerry pulls out a backpack full of bone gnomes.
Elaine: “No… way! Mr. Peterman will be estatic to see this. How much did you pay for them?”
Jerry: “Don’t worry about it. Consider it a favor. You don’t need to pay me for them.”
*Bassline*
Newman is on the witness stand in court. Jackie is questioning him. George is sitting down at his table.
Jackie: “Now Mr. Newman. Did you drop off 500 boxes at Mr. Constanza’s house?”
Newman: “Well… uh… umm… I plead the fifth.”
Jackie: “And these boxes… were they addressed to Mr. Costanza? Was Mr. Costanza’s name labeled anywhere?” Newman: “I… I… I… plead the fifth.”
Jackie: “ Did you know that this was the residence of George Costanza?”
Newman is now crying and sweating, acting hysterical
Newman: “Alright I admit it! I gave Newman the bone gnomes! There was no address! I didn’t expect him to get mad! I had to drop them off somewhere!”
Judge: “Mr. Newman… we find you guilty. Although this will not go on your record, we will ask you to pay a fine of… four dollars” Newman: “Please… please… please! Mailmen misplace mail all the time! I’m not the only one! Believe me! Please… don’t ruin my life!”
George: “Tell it to the judge”
Judge: “…”
Jackie: "Thanks for wasting my time George. I'm only walking out of here with... one dollar and thirty six cents in lawyer fees."
*Bassline*
Jerry is back in Dr. Whatley’s office for his gingivitis appointment.
Jerry: “Well… Dr. Whatley… I’ll have you know I flossed every day since I last saw you.”
Dr. Whatley does one check in Jerry’s mouth
Dr. Whatley: “I don’t believe you. Alright lets get this show on the road, but there is one thing I’d like ask you about. Do you happen to know where my Bone Gnomes went?”
Jerry: “You mean those little elf guys you had last week.”
Dr. Whatley: “I know it was you.” He says as he pulls out a bone gnome out of his pocket, holding it out to Jerry like he’s offering it to him
Jerry: “So… let me get this straight. I steal your bone guys… and you come back to me and give me more elves!”
Dr. Whatley: “This… is gnot a gnelf”
Dr. Whatley throws the bone gnome on the ground and it fucking explodes, breaking all the windows in the building with debris crashing down onto pedestrians down below.
Dr. Whatley: “This… is gnot a gnoblim… It’s a gnome… and you’ve been gnomed.”
*Outro Bassline*
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Credited to Pf_Farnsworth
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