The COVID Vaccine Makes Me Sexy
Author's note: I'm not one of those stupid conspiracy theory believers, I just wrote this as an absurdist joke.
I remember when the vaccine first came out and all the girls that were mean to me in high school kept talking about how it would “kill you” or “implant a microchip in your brain so the government could watch you.” as a suicidal exhibitionist with a power imbalance kink, both of these possibilities appealed to me so I got the vaccine 13 times. I would disguise myself as my friends and use their IDs just to get the sweet sweet nectar into my veins. I would break into hospitals and hold the staff hostage so I could load the vaccine into a pipe and smoke it like it was my last hit of that blue Walter White shit.
However, the other morning I woke up and realized something—it’s been over 2 years and I am still alive and also the government has never told me I look pretty or even sent me flowers. I also noticed that my ass had grown 3 sizes—it wasn’t an illusion, it literally looked as if Dr. Miami had snuck into my room at night and given me a BBL!! I also noticed that my skin had cleared up and the bunion on the side of my right foot was gone. I immediately went out to buy a pair of same-sized shoes and flaunt my big new behind. It was all fine and good until I woke up for realsies! I bolted upright in a panic, only to feel a hand rub my shoulder lovingly. I rolled over to the side of the bed, where the United States government was curled up next to me. “it was just a bad dream honey, maybe your chip got knocked out of place. I promise you’re still ugly and will die soon.”
I know it was just a dream, but I’ve been getting them more and more lately. Has this happened to anyone else since getting the vaccine? I e-mailed Fox News about it but they only responded with the full-length video of Ben Shapiro reviewing the Barbie movie. Please help.
Credited to thecuckchair
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