The Night The Really Mega Unbelievable Ultra Scary Stuff Happened!

It was nearly ten long years ago…

My name is Cory Cornfield, but you can just call me Nathan. It pains me to drudge up these awful memories, but I must tell you of what I have been through. It was 2014 and winter’s fury was unrelenting, but that did little to disrupt my jolly mood. You see, it was nearly time for the Chanukah festivities to begin! Now, none of my family are of Jewish descent, but mother insists that this is the “proper way” to celebrate the holidays. My father was a Namekian.

I vividly remember the atrocious first of Chanukah. All my anticipation turned to horror. You see, earlier that day my best friend, Paul Polio, told me a chilling tale about what happens to mean children on Chanukah. He called me an imposter, saying I should not celebrate the holiday if I am not Jewish. I pleaded with him to understand that it was my mother, Jill Jinglebells, who was forcing us to deviate from the celebration of Christmas. She called it a “Namekian holiday” and claimed it was sacrilegious of us to celebrate it. Paul, whose birth name was Saul Salamander, called me a filthy geriatric sociopath with autism. I stormed home in a rage!

Mother asked me what was plaguing my sweet, sweet mind. I told her of that accursed story, and anxiously anticipated a reassuring reminder that it nothing but superstition. Instead, a look of grave concern came over her. I asked, “Ma, is it diarrhea? Again?” I initially figured she must’ve just tasted the dog’s treats again, but not this time. She took my hand, “come with me, son.” We headed upstairs toward the basement, and I felt the familiar terror of my youth. You see, five years prior my brother, Lee Wii, traumatized me by dressing as the lead vocalist of Babooshka and chasing me through the basement with a pumpkin carver. Mother never believed my story, as this was two years after Lee had passed away.

Mother warned me not scream before opening the basement door. What I saw absolutely horrified me! It was sure something alright! Probably the single scariest thing I’ve ever seen to this day! I want you to close your eyes and imagine the most frightening imagery you can, and realize that this doesn’t even come close to what I saw.

I asked my mother what it all meant, and what she told me shook me to my core. She explained our family’s wicked history with Christmas, and why she insists we celebrate Chanukah instead. You see, the real reason she, a gentile, made our family celebrate Chanukah was truly a terror to know. I think knowing it affected me so deeply that I changed on a physiological level. Imagine the most deeply upsetting and truly traumatizing thing you could ever be told by your parent, and understand that it didn’t even come close to this.

We went back downstairs, and mother opened up a scrapbook. Inside were pictures of myself, Arnold, and our father. She said to keep these pictures close to me as I sleep, for tonight was the first night of Chanukah. That night, I began to hear strange noises in my bedroom. I had to sleep downstairs in the creepy old attic. I began to hear voices coming from underneath my bed. These haunting voices told me of things to come, and I was beyond terrified of the prophecy of Chanukah. They informed that certain events would take place and our family would never be the same again. I learned the truth about what happened to Jane Jollyrancher, Martin Marshmallow, Joe Torpedo, and all my other deceased relatives! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! You cannot even fathom the sheer volume of fear running through my body. It was the most horrifying truth that had ever been revealed to me, even more so than the previous two occurrences!

Fortunately, nothing unusual happened on the following six nights of Chanukah. Other than Krampus stopping in for some biscuits and duct tape, everything was as it should be. But I was not the same, I knew what I had learned about my ancestors would change my sense of self for eternity. On the final night of Chanukah, the real terror began. You see, as I was going upstairs to meet mother in the galley, I was stopped dead in my tracks by an unholy sight. This unnerved me to the point of losing consciousness, and I woke up in Weenie Hut General. I began to frantically tell the doctors and nurses of my ordeal. But for some reason they were having trouble understanding me. Despite telling them twelve times, they still didn’t know what I was even talking about! If you’re out there, and reading this story, I’m sorry to tell you this but Frieza destroyed Namek, Dad, it’s gone.

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